Why was he so cruel with the gory details. ..

[carhill]

So, it sounds like the OP has rewritten her marriage to match up with her feelings and is concerned about the way she has been treated by the OM. Why not rewrite that to match up too?

 

This is where a psychologist would do his or her work. There's a focal point here and the OP hasn't seen it yet. A mirror would be helpful. That's my opinion as a MM and OM. Best wishes

[whichwayisup]

I'm not remoresful at all. My sex life has improved with my H ten fold.

 

Reverse the situation, imagine your husband having a sexual affair with another woman, and it ended..And now him making love to you is bareable, better than before BECAUSE now he feels sexy (because other woman desired him and made him feel good again), so he's able to make love to you. HOW would that make you feel?

[herenow]

There was a similar post a while back and a guy having an affair with a married woman answered (or it may have been a thread that was started by the single guy). He said that he didn't feel the relationship with the married woman was ever going to be anything more than an affair. He thought the MW felt the same way. When he shared details of his "real" life with the MW, she was upset. Thinking that they were on the same page, he didn't understand why. He felt that, as friends, he could tell her that he fell in love with a single woman and she would be happy for him. Maybe this man sees you as a friend that would be happy he found love.

[minutebyminute]

No it's not cool, nothing about the/an affair was/is cool. It was not right. It was wrong.

 

My husband has never "made love" to me, until recently. In and out. .done. He loves me, but at my urging, never spent any time trying to figure out what made me satisfied, BUT if he wanted sex when he wanted it, how he wanted it, the way he wanted it, it was all good.. .for him. He made me feel uncomfortable and sometimes ashamed to ask for sex or tell him what I needed. I went for months without sex, on several occations over periods of time, not because of me, because of him. Then when he finally wanted it, I guess he thought I would be grateful. In and out done.

Sorry, the A woke me up sexually, and I feel alive again. Now I think I want to share that with the H.

 

Why do you all feel the H is tortured? I am very aware of his mental attitude, we talk, he says he is very happy right now. He is lovey & touchy towards me again, like it was 25 years ago.

 

I feel better from my experience BUT I KNOW IT WAS WRONG!

 

As far as the other man, some people need closure, others just simply walk away, I need closure. the end.

 

Herenow, thanks, maybe you are right on about this guy, if you recall the thread I would like to read it.

 

Thanks for all replies

[Impudent Oyster]

Am I understanding this correctly?

 

You're married, your "BF" is single and you're upset that he found a single woman and started a relationship with her?

 

Is this a joke?

 

Honest to god, there are times when I wonder if I'm living on the same planet as some of these posters.

[Impudent Oyster]

Just one question, Why is an affair not an option if a marraige is not working?

 

If the marriage isn't working fix it or end it. THEN you can start a new relationship.

 

What is so hard to understand about that?

[mem11363]

There are some professional psychologists who say that an affair can reinvigorate a marriage. Sounds like yours did.

 

Many women who - right or wrong - feel that they have been ill treated and their needs have been ignored for a long time - they simply can't let go of the anger. After all - how do you settle the score after 20 years of unfair treatment. Seems like this is a way that worked for you.

 

Interesting story.

 

 

You may be right about the EA.

 

However, when all this was going on, I asked the H for a divorce. Not for the OM, I was sick of his treatment for well over 20 years and my heart didn't trust him anymore. Yes, he has no reason to trust me, I'll say it before you do. I was planning on declaring the big B, and moving in with my Mom & Dad, in another state.

 

We had long talks about things we should have talked about years ago and the subject of the A came up. He got emotional, of course, and couldn't stop thinking of me WITH him.

 

I never confirmed our sexual relationship, as at the time I didn't think it was necessary I was leaving with the kids and that was that.

 

Fast forward. . . I don't have any guilt about the sexual part, am I sub-human? I know the A was wrong. My feelings have always been, if you are unhappy leave, don't hurt someone. Move on and only then have a new relationship. (me) Such a hypocrite, so judgmental of others.

 

I still feel okay with not talking to the H about the sexual part of the A.

It would not be of any benefit to either of us, but since it has been brought up, what do ya'll think about that. Do you move on from it all, or does it need to be discussed?

[herenow]

 

Herenow, thanks, maybe you are right on about this guy, if you recall the thread I would like to read it.

 

Thanks for all replies

 

I don't recall the name of the thread and I wouldn't know how to find it. I remember it because is was eye opening to read about a man who was having sex with a woman without emotion.

 

From what I remember, he thought the MW knew that they were having a no strings affair. He was confused when she was hurt that he could fall in love with someone else. He told her about his new love because he believed they were close friends and she (the MW) would be happy for him. He really didn't understand the MW's hurt or anger. Does anyones else remember the thread and know how to find it? It may have been in the infidelity section.

[fooled once]

Just one question, Why is an affair not an option if a marraige is not working? Im sorry thoes of you who say its not, either have not lived life or speak with no experience at all, we need to experience thigs to make us better people

 

Are you serious?

 

How about a divorce instead of an affar?

[herenow]

Are you serious?

 

How about a divorce instead of an affar?

 

I believe that this is what most people do when they don't love their spouse anymore. That is why we have so many marriages that end in divorce. Don't know why there are those who don't see divorce as a kinder option.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Closure is when you started to rebuild with your husband. The OM cannot say anything that's gonna give you closure, that's an illusion!!!

 

Good lord do you not understand, the more you dwell on it, you wont move on!

[minutebyminute]

Yep, CB you are right. Some of us real dumb azz ones just need to keep

hearing that over and over.

 

My original question was why was he so cruel when he told me about his new relationship.

The reason I care?

My take on MY situation, we are all here on earth for a reason. We are human and make mistakes, what seperates each person is the lessons we are supposed to be taught by our actions, whether they are good or bad.

 

If we don't learn we don't grow. If we can't grow we make the same mistakes over and over. If you continue the same path, life becomes very sad and stagnant.

 

Part of growth requires hurt and pain in my experience. I'm trying to get over the hurt and pain so I can move on, put this behind me and take on whatever is waiting for me and my H.

[whichwayisup]

Make your own closure. You don't need the OM to help you with this.