minutebyminute Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 The OM moved on, I'm trying to accept this. What I don't accept is the way he told me. In short version, I had a love affair with a man I thought was the love of my life. Nothing new to LS. It wasn't a mutal agreement to end the relationship on either end. I was loosing my business and headed for total collapse of everything I & the H had worked for. I wanted out of my M before I met the OM, I just wanted to build my business, sell it and cut the sheets with my H. I have 2 kids. The other man and I talked about the kids, my expectations, my dreams for them etc. He never commited to them and I was pinched, my kids came first no matter what. I had options, but they were slim, job options for a single mom in that area were nill & dealing with bankruptcy it is a lengthy process and isn't just a few signatures here and there, that's it it over, its grueling, mind f-king and hard. I moved with the H & kids, they started school in a new state and all was fine for everyone except for me. I called the OM. He would never respond. I texted him. Nothing. We agreed well into the affair we would always remain friends no matter what.. .I wanted to die, I couldn't get it together for months, it was so hard there was no closure. He knew I loved him, how I felt, hell I told him in every message. Finally, I gave up for a while. Then I got a TEXT message from him telling me he was going on the adventure of a lifetime. He missed me, he loved me for loving him and the time we had together. He would leave me a number I could get a hold of him. I replied, please call, I have questions about your well being, thinking he was going on a job, DUH!!! He called the next day. I finally got to talk with him. He told me he was going cross country with, well in his words, "Let me tell you about Lori-I moved in with her as a roomate and one thing led to another, we made love one night, she said that will never happen again." "Well that lasted about one week, then she told me she loved me!" She is so beautiful, she could have anyone she wants, but she chose me, I don't know why." "The thing is she is 34 and I am 50, but she says that doesn't bother her, she says she is the happiest and luckiest person in the world." I asked him if he was in love with her and he said "Yeah, I think I could be", I told him not to get married while cross country and he said. "Oh, we dont believe in marriage." Total opposite of what he said to me. He also told me he wanted to keep in touch with me, would give me her cell phone # as his didn't work out of state. I told him that was inappropriate and if I was her I wouldn't like that, he said "she's not like that, she can appreciate that I have friends, I asked him if she knew about me, he said no (of course) i told him again that it was probably a mistake and he insisted on giving me her number via text which never happened and I am happy for. Anyway, long story short, why did he burn me like this. I loved him more than life itself and told him this. WHY WAS HE SO CRUEL TO ME????? Why didn't he call to tell me he met someone and thought he might love her, and he was moving on I have made great strides moving on, but this has a strong hold on me. Please help, all comments welcome!!
lonelyandfrustrated Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 People who you think are your friends, are not your friends. I almost bet this guy thought that since you were married, you two were FWB, so he thought nothing of telling you that he'd met this wonderful girl and assumed you would be happy for him, since he was willing to keep you around as a friend. With possible benefits. Since that's all you were available for. 'Cause you're married. Please don't love this guy more than 'life itself'. He didn't return the favor. See it for what it was. A fling, an in-between...something easy for him to hit. He already knows your level of commitment, and he's probably looking for something a bit...sturdier.
Virgo1982 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 It sounds like he wanted to hurt you because he felt you were stringing him along. If a man doesn't care at all, he won't call. So many games. So little time...
ForumFool Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I am sorry you clearly are hurting..I just think the dude is a jackasz and finally showed his true self centered self Hugs to you
Author minutebyminute Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I wish it were me that strung him along, but in reality it was he who strung me. Giving me silent options he was unwilling to fullfill. He knew my level of commitment when he pursued me, not me pursuing him. I never thought I would ever be in this positon (everyone laughs) I seriously wonder if he wants a sturdier commitment, i have little faith in that perspective, my thoughts are he just wanted to hurt me, but why? I would have left everything for him, he was the coward not me. I told my husband, my family as well as my H family that I was in love with him, (the OM) minus the intimae detalis, I was willing to give it all up for the othe man. Why did he treat me so terribly? I did nothing but give to him, help him, take care of him, confide in him, love him. I'm lost. . not as hurt as I was 5 months ago, but in search of answers!
mem11363 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 That your marriage actually has a chance now? Had your husband already fallen out of love with you at the time the A started? Or was he crushed by the A as much as you are crushed now? Is there a reason your M cannot be repaired? I wish it were me that strung him along, but in reality it was he who strung me. Giving me silent options he was unwilling to fullfill. He knew my level of commitment when he pursued me, not me pursuing him. I never thought I would ever be in this positon (everyone laughs) I seriously wonder if he wants a sturdier commitment, i have little faith in that perspective, my thoughts are he just wanted to hurt me, but why? I would have left everything for him, he was the coward not me. I told my husband, my family as well as my H family that I was in love with him, (the OM) minus the intimae detalis, I was willing to give it all up for the othe man. Why did he treat me so terribly? I did nothing but give to him, help him, take care of him, confide in him, love him. I'm lost. . not as hurt as I was 5 months ago, but in search of answers!
Holding-On Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 You don't know. He's suddenly hooked up with a hot, easy going porn star 16 years younger... possible. He's laying it on thick and she's not that hot or not that great or not that young OR doesn't exist at all... also possible. That you got under his skin and he needed all those games to let you know that he doesn't get dumped... seems most possible of all to me.
jennie-jennie Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Just guessing here, one possibility could be he actually fell in love with this new girl and wanted to make sure you would understand it was all over between you and him. Another possibility could be he was not all that into you after all, and was ready for his next conquest. In that case he was not worthy of your love. I understand you are hurting. Now that he is gone though, the pain will eventually come to an end. ((((MBM))))
Ellin Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Maybe he's just an idiot and an insensitive one. Then it will be easier for you to get angry and eventually move on. Or he is just naive and so excited that he couldn't keep the details to himself. Other option is that he got badly hurt by you and this was his 'revenge'.
HarmonyHope Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 You moved out of state with your H. What clearer statement could you make to him that he was not who you'd be spending your future with? Of course he's not going to pick up the phone - you rejected him in a major way! Actions speak louder than words and yours screamed. Besides that, I can't help but imagine how it must have felt for him knowing you were still having sex with your husband that whole time. Probably about like you feel now. Still, with that said, I'm sorry that he chose to go into revenge mode by hurting you back. It's quite possibly all fiction anyway.
Elephant Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Hi, Sorry to hear of your heartache, but maybe what I feel has happened is quite basic, he wanted you probably for sex & to get this he copied what you wanted, telling you what you wanted to hear & once he was on the right path he colud play this out knowing he was getting what he wanted. however there comes a time when things move on because it gets tiring to walk this path without it progressing, so probably he wanted out but could not do so by hurting you face to face & admit that he had strung you along all the time, remember you were very vaunerable he would have know this & maybe at the end did not want to hurt you even more. But I expect his end game was always to leave before you found him out by trying to move things to the next level. You did nothing wrong he & you were enjoying each other but on this occaision its was just a short term affair, only he did not tell you this. Hope this helps Bx
RedDevil66 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 There is one thing I learned in therapy when I was healing, the fastest way to insanity is to try to wonder why someone said or did something. You can ask him but even then, you may never get the truth I would suggest you stop wasting your time wondering why HE did what he did and think about why YOU did what you did by chosing to lie and deceive your husband and family.
RedDevil66 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Hi, Sorry to hear of your heartache, but maybe what I feel has happened is quite basic, he wanted you probably for sex & to get this he copied what you wanted, telling you what you wanted to hear & once he was on the right path he colud play this out knowing he was getting what he wanted. however there comes a time when things move on because it gets tiring to walk this path without it progressing, so probably he wanted out but could not do so by hurting you face to face & admit that he had strung you along all the time, remember you were very vaunerable he would have know this & maybe at the end did not want to hurt you even more. But I expect his end game was always to leave before you found him out by trying to move things to the next level. You did nothing wrong he & you were enjoying each other but on this occaision its was just a short term affair, only he did not tell you this. Hope this helps Bx She did nothing wrong? Having an affair is not wrong?
MizzBlue72 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 OMG - YES having an A is WRONG.... believe me, as a former OW, WE DO KNOW THIS. Sorry you are hurting. Maybe he thought since you were married - you were safe to play around with. It does sound like he is playing with a new woman who is young and stroking his ego. Try to focus on you hon -- realize it is over and move on.
Author minutebyminute Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Thanks for all the input, I need to hear these things, good or bad. Hearing it over and over helps to let go faster. As for the OM, I did call him back after his phone call, I was in shock. I wanted to tell him thank you for the call, but I felt like someone just punched me in the stomach. He was using code, uhuh, etc. that's when I heard her voice in the background. I guess they were packing her car for the very special trip they were going on-whatever, poor girl hope she sees it coming. I participated in the A & yes it was so wrong. Don't hang me for what I am about to say, but I am glad I did it. It made me stand on my own two feet and stand up to my husband. No more being pushed around,abused, etc. He used to ask me, who would want you? Well, this showed both of us I am desirable and sexy to other men. This wasn't a power move, not pre-meditated, but I craved love, intimacy, and sex from my H. I needed to feel loved. The OM made me feel loved, he made me aware of my body and my sexuality-he made me a whole person, even though looking back I think I was just a toy to him, which hurts like hell. Now that it is over, my H is like a new person. We have never fully talked about the A, he seems okay with it or has come to terms with it. I have asked him if he is happy with me, he says happier than he has been in a long time. He tells me he has realized many things in his life and wants to start living life for today. In other words, I think this A has helped our M?!Crazy, such extremes. He is a much better lover, I can actually talk to him about my sexual needs and his without him getting disgusted with me, he takes his time with me, listens to me, pays more attention to me AND the kids AND before you all bash me for what he does for me, I have always doted over him, taking care of the finest details, listening to his dreams, paying attention to his every move. Now, I have backed off somewhat so that he can do those things back for me. Seems to be working. Again all, thanks for your input, still open to hearing more though.
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Anyway, long story short, why did he burn me like this. I loved him more than life itself and told him this. WHY WAS HE SO CRUEL TO ME????? So you would get over him. Remember those days back in high school? Guys would just be act like a-holes? Well, this guy has no balls, instead of being honest and respectful, he's been an a-hole to you on purpose so you'll get over what you feel for him. Bottomline is, and I hate to say it, you are married and the OM didn't want to wait around for you, didn't want to have responsibilities thrown on him (your kids) and maybe to him, it was just an affair, not a life long journey that was going to turn into marriage one day. Your H probably thinks you had an EA, he doesn't know details of it being a physical affair so in his mind maybe he thinks you didn't cross those 'lines'..
Author minutebyminute Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 You may be right about the EA. However, when all this was going on, I asked the H for a divorce. Not for the OM, I was sick of his treatment for well over 20 years and my heart didn't trust him anymore. Yes, he has no reason to trust me, I'll say it before you do. I was planning on declaring the big B, and moving in with my Mom & Dad, in another state. We had long talks about things we should have talked about years ago and the subject of the A came up. He got emotional, of course, and couldn't stop thinking of me WITH him. I never confirmed our sexual relationship, as at the time I didn't think it was necessary I was leaving with the kids and that was that. Fast forward. . . I don't have any guilt about the sexual part, am I sub-human? I know the A was wrong. My feelings have always been, if you are unhappy leave, don't hurt someone. Move on and only then have a new relationship. (me) Such a hypocrite, so judgmental of others. I still feel okay with not talking to the H about the sexual part of the A. It would not be of any benefit to either of us, but since it has been brought up, what do ya'll think about that. Do you move on from it all, or does it need to be discussed?
woddah Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I guess they were packing her car for the very special trip they were going on-whatever, poor girl hope she sees it coming. I may have missed something, but sees what coming? As far as I can tell here, you all of the sudden moved away with your H after this OM expected you to be with him. He was probably shell shocked and knew without even coming here he should be NC with you. As far as "poor girl", she probably has nothing to worry about if she doesn't plan on leaving him suddenly out of the blue. The only thing bad thing this "poor girl" has to worry about is the fallout this guy is probably still getting over after you moved away.
torranceshipman Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Sorry if I have got this wrong as I don't know your back story...but was it the case that you were having an A with this guy, then said you were leaving your H, but moved to another state with your family instead? I am only reading the posts here so may have it wrong. But if that's what happened, it's pretty obvious that a single guy would feel incredibly rejected by your actions and view you as a player/not interested/whatever....so did what he needed to do, to move on. If that was the case, I am sure that he presumed you weren't that into him.
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 If you want your marriage to work then you need to tell your H the truth so HE can decide if he wants to stay married to you. Otherwise, you're starting off recovery with a big fat lie..And, what if one day he finds out the truth on his own or what if someone tells him? Can you stay faithful to your H? What if a year or two from now some other man turns your head..Will you cheat on your husband again? I ask this even more so since you feel no guilt about what you've done.
carhill Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Help me understand, since your M is better than ever, why you even care one whit about the OM and what he is or isn't making you feel? Ask that question in the office of a therapist and work on that.... the answer will be at the root of keeping that M 'better than ever'.
Elephant Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Just one question, Why is an affair not an option if a marraige is not working? Im sorry thoes of you who say its not, either have not lived life or speak with no experience at all, we need to experience thigs to make us better people
carhill Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 The better question to ask is, IMO, if your W is unhappy with you as an H, is it 'better' for her to gain that experience with her legs and heart wrapped around another man? Brings it home for me
Author minutebyminute Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Sorry, I try to be specific on these posts because I know the interpretations can be so varied. I have other threads leading me to believe the OM was a con, a player, a user. My plan was to D my H, and move away & live with my parents, until I was on my feet financially. I talked to the OM about this. I told him I wanted him to be a part of our lives, but I had baggage to deal with that was not his and only then could we have a relationship. He agreed and actually agreed to move and have a relationship with me & my kids. I ended up staying with the H, as the more the OM and I talked about the future I could see it was only with me and not my kids. My H & I had long talks about the D I wanted. He asked if we could make every effort to try and salvage the M, he thought if we moved we would have a better chance new surroundings, friends, jobs, etc. I agreed. We agreed to go to MC or IC and if that didn't work then we would be in a better spot for our kids and could D. Thanks Elephant, not that it makes everything okay, but shows difference of opinion. Whichwayisup, guessing you are right. Need IC before I make that decision and no, no no no more outside activity. This was very painful for everyone. H & I are in a better place mentally. As we heal and try to salvage our marriage, we will make the decision to stay or D. I will never put that hurt on my husband or my kids for anyone-I will leave first. As far as not being remorseful of the sexual part of the relationship, it was a HUGE spot that needed to be filled, the end. I love sex, but my H treated me like it was my job. in and out done thats it. Yes, I was always curious what it would be like with another man. I have been with my H for 25 years and have only had 5 lovers,(not including the OM) one highschool boyfriend (LTR), three one time only encounters & my H. I'm not remoresful at all. My sex life has improved with my H ten fold. Sorry folks, make me out to look like a whore, but I feel like a sexy woman again.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 WHAT DOES IT MATTER IF YOU ARE MARRIED!!!! Good lord, does she not understand that the OM has no ties to you, has no bond, moral or legal. Stop focusing on this jackass! Ad elephant are you saying it's okay to cheat on your spouse??? Is it okay to bring home STD's to your loved ones' get pregnant by someone else? Is that cool with you. I wonder if you would take care of OM's baby if your wife decided, hey an affair is cool. What would you say to a new batch of HIV??? I mean affairs dont require condoms right, and they break right? I mean it's cool right?
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