Seymore Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Hello, all - I've been lurking, but I'm still kinda new here. I guess I'm having some trouble since it's the holidays...I was in a 15-month relationship and we've been split up for 11 months now. I was doing very well for the longest time, I've done things for myself and made improvements in my life. But still I feel lost without her. A lot of people would claim codependency, but that really doesn't sound like me - I've never needed anyone to make me feel good. I actually work very well as a loner because I know what I like to do and what I'd like to try, and I enjoy my alone time just as much as time with another person. Anyway, here's a decent portion of the backstory...I had my eye on her for a couple of years before I finally got the courage to ask her out. Our first night out she had told me she was 3 months out of a 2-year relationship where they were actually engaged. On top of that, she was doing a FWB thing about a month before I met her and 2 weeks before we met, he had stopped coming around and calling her. I guess it's safe to say right there that I was a rebound. She had also told me up front that she was abused as a child and a load of other things. I got really cold feet after that night, wondering what I was in for, but I decided to give her a fair chance. The next day we spent the day together and had a good time. She actually seemed like a caring, decent person, and since her younger sister worked, she took care of her sister's toddler son, who joined us on our dates sometimes. On our second or third date, we went to a bar. She got sloshed and I had to drive her home. She'd kept saying "Don't you want me?" all the way back to her house. I did, but it was too soon for me, plus she was drunk. I carried her into her house and to her bed since she couldn't walk, and off her clothes came. I got caught up in the moment and took my clothes off, but couldn't bring myself to do it. I told her it wasn't right, not right now, and I held her until she fell asleep and let myself out, wondering if this is how she was with every guy she just met. As time went by, some things made me suspicious about her. I had driven her into the city (which I'm terrible at navigating) so she could pick up her shoes from her work. I couldn't park, so I figured I'd circle the block. There was construction, and I got wrapped up in one-way streets all over. She couldn't call me since her phone was in my car, and when I found the building again, it was 40 minutes later. She got in the car and as I was apologizing, she YELLED at me, swearing up a storm. I apologized again calmly and she would just not let up for the next 5-10 minutes. So I shut up since she wasn't listening to me explain myself. She threatened to end the relationship if I was just going to be quiet and not talk about it. As you can imagine I was confused. Throughout the 15 months, these outbursts of hers continued, sometimes followed by her kicking or throwing things (not at me though), then apologizing or telling me I was too sensitive because her anger wasn't directed at me, and then doing it again. She'd curse at me, hang up on me...I didn't know what mood she'd be in as I was approaching her house, and I found myself reading over my text messages to her 3-4 times to make sure she wouldn't take anything out of context and fight with me again. Sex was almost nonexistant - I'm talking once a month, maybe twice if I was lucky. However, she had no problem flashing me or rubbing her boobs in my face, or just stripping naked and sitting next to me on the couch. When I'd make a move right then, she'd say she wasn't in the mood. Many of the times we actually did do it, I know it was only because she was drunk. I felt terrible, almost like she didn't find me attractive unless she was drunk. Or high. She had told me when we first met that she wasn't into drugs. A couple months later, she confesses she lied and that she smoked pot on a weekly basis. That night she told me, she got high with some friends and me sitting there. It was a little uncomfortable, but mostly because she was rubbing all over me, and when she was sober in the days before that, she was never in the mood. I just felt I was a turn on as long as she was in an altered state of mind. The first night she got plastered, I was holding her hair as she was throwing up in my toilet. She called me by her ex-fiancee's name. I let it slide, but 8 months into the relationship, and she told me to turn around when I was driving towards the city her ex-fiancee lived in. She flipped out when she had seen him in traffic a couple months after that. Sometimes she'd accuse me of not loving her. I'd pay attention to her, always was there for her, took her out every weekend, gave her massages a few nights a week, write her poems, leave love notes in her windshield wiper while she had her car parked at the train station to go to work, etc...when I brought those things up, she replied "Those are just THINGS." I never knew how to make this girl happy. Sometimes she'd start crying and not talk to me for no reason at all (her own words - "I don't know" why), and sometimes she'd snap at strangers, one time almost got her in some serious trouble and I had to help out. I'm not going to go into much more detail, but this kind of behavior and more continued throughout the relationship. She had been seeing a therapist when we'd met, but she quit 3 months into our relationship. The thing is - she would do some of the nicest things for me that any girl has ever done. When things were good, they were great, we made such a good team and many people said we were such a good couple, but they didn't see the whole story. Many days she would be the sweetest thing and I could totally see a family with her, and other days I felt like I was her enemy - it literally felt like there were two sides to her. I'm not perfect, but I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I was a DAMN good boyfriend to her - she even said in an e-mail after our breakup that she realized I was just being the best boyfriend I could be and that she gave me credit for that, and that she didn't know if she could've put up with what I had put up with in her. I couldn't take the abuse anymore and I finally got the courage to leave, going NC immediately. She tried to e-mail and call (she actually called me almost 115 times in one hour when I wouldn't pick up, she was hysterical), to convince me she was going to change, but we'd split a couple of times over the same thing and she'd SAID the same thing. I couldn't believe her anymore. She said she was going to focus on school and keep looking into affordable therapy options. Well, it looks like with lots of other things (like her jobs) she didn't stick to that for long, either. I found out a couple months ago from a mutual friend that a month after I left her, she met an old boyfriend of hers and a few months later, moved to another state to be with him, not to mention he's a married man. It SO did not seem like something she'd go and do, not to that degree. I had told myself "That's it - I guess I didn't know her like I thought I did", but STILL I hold on to hope that she might change for the better and that good side I loved so much would stay and she'd come back. I can't understand why I still hope for a future for us - there WAS good in her, but it came through more and more seldom - I began to feel sometimes that she didn't want me around, even though she claimed she wanted to marry me and that I was her best friend, etc...I just get this hope that she'll mature a bit and shed that nasty part of herself. It hasn't crippled me - I've met other nice girls (although all are taken), but for some reason I feel like I lost something really special in HER, even though it was coated in this nasty black goo. I don't get why I feel this way. Any insight would be appreciated, and if you made it through this, I truly thank you for taking the time to read.
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