desperatewf Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Let me start by saying I love my husband. I love him a lot. The problem is that I am not happy in my marriage and haven't been for awhile and I feel my feelings for him are changing. When we first started dating of course things were wonderful and he did everything he could to make me happy. About a month after we got married he just fell off. I told him I was not happy and he didn't do anything about it. I kept talking to him and telling him and he didn't do anything about it. Eventually I got tired of fighting, gave in, and just accepted that things had changed. He wasn't doing horrible things, I just wanted more. So fast forward four years and here we are practically in the same boat except this time I have firmly stood my ground. We decided to seperate today (he's moved into another room in our house) and I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to him but he only wants to do what he wants to do and it's like he's not listening to me to my needs and wants. Our romantic life sucks and our sex life is even worse. I've made all types of suggestions and even made lists on what he and I can do to improve both but the lists have fallen on def ears. I just don't know what to do. I still love him but am I trying to hold on to something that I don't need to? Will I look back in four more years and think I should have left then? He is a good man, but I am just not sure if he is the man for me. I'm so confused. I think a part of me doesn't want to leave him because of all we have been through this year. We have lost a total of 4 children and my most recent miscarriage was last month. He stood by my side through all of this so should I just be a big girl, suck it up and stay? Please, any help and/or advice would be appreciated.
Ronni_W Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 My sympathies on your losses. As for your marriage, nobody else can say when it is time for you to call it quits. Have you considered individual therapy and marriage counseling to try to sort things out? You could also check marriagebuilders.com -- particularly the 'emotional needs' articles and questionnaire, and maybe the 'lovebusters', too. Perhaps those might give you some new ways of expressing your feelings to your husband, and hopefully help him understand where his marriage is. I don't know why it happens that one's partner becomes complacent to the point that it comes across that they don't really care very much at all. I just know that it happens more than makes any sense. I don't think that they actually stop caring, though, just that they don't realize how negatively their lack of caring and loving actions impacts their partner. I don't think they get it...until after she leaves. I'm sorry that you're going through it. Best of luck.
floridapad Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Desperate At some point the H is going to have to man up and meet your needs. There is only so long you can stay unhappy. While I beleive "acceptance" of the spouse is essential in long term relationships, I do not beleive "settling" is necessarily good for personal happiness. While he may not be perfect or have the ability to meet all your needs (no one person does) he has a responsibility to listen and at least try to meet the needs he can. You may want to check out marriage builders. There may be things you are doing that may be inadvertantly sabotaging the message you are trying to get across. But having said that, if he is not wiling to meet you half way then it is a moot point. They have to meet you half way. You can't feel like you are doing all the work or you will build resentment and you will be done completely. Good luck.
Recommended Posts