New Here - need advice

[srgnt72]

Here's my story. We are both married. I reconnected with an old friend on facebook about 9 months ago. At first it was an occassional email, IM and than a text. A few months later the texts starting getting flirty and sexual. We would text all day long, it became a habit, something we both looked forward too. We finally met up after a few months of talking, texting and the chemistry between was very strong. We only kissed that night. The texts became more and more and we finally met up again, this time it was sexual. We met up a few more times for sex and it's been nothing but amazing. We have such good chemistry. Obviously it's hard to see each other as we are both married. The last time we hung out was about a month ago and things changed. His wife accused him of cheating on him and of course my relationship with him has completely died down. He denied any cheating, but i guess she just doesn't believe him. He said he needs to lay low for now because he's afraid his wife will find out. I respect his decision, but am just so upset that things can not be how they use to. I told him that maybe it's best if we just said our goodbye's, but he insisted that he still wants to be friends, he just wants to lay low for now. I took that as he still wants to see me, but when things at home die down. But now i'm so confused because i don't receive texts from him and i can't refrain from texting him. I get dissapointed when the texts aren't the way they use to be, fun. He says that he's really depressed with things at home that's all. He IM'd me the other night and i was a little distant and he sensed it and asked me why i was being that way. I can't be all happy when i'm not. So we ended the convo and than IM'd me again and said i'm being mean to him and he doesn't like it. I reassured him that I was fine and i wasn't being distant that i was just tired.

 

I want to totally end it with him, but I can't seem to do it. I don't think he wants to totally end it with me either because he still wants to be friends and he's still concerned about my actions towards him. I'm so confused. Being in an affair is the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

If i end all contact with him, does it get any easier? Do u think if I stopped all contact with him he will start chasing me again?

Edited November 30, 2009 by srgnt72
forgot to add title

[Boundary Problem]

Big Picture - what is your goal with him?

 

 

Then work backwards in time until you reach today.

 

 

People get obsessed with this NC as a 'tool' to manipulate the other party. Why would you try to manipulate someone you cared about? If you have to trigger the abandonment fear part of their psyche to garner their interest, then the relationship is inherently unstable. no thx.

 

 

Realistically in your situation - you are indulging in something you shouldn't be indulging in. So why are you doing that?

[D-Lish]

I think it's obvious that your MM is of the typical kind. He's willing to cast you aside as soon as it could jeapordize his marriage. What that says is that you aren't his first choice, you aren't a priority, and you aren't included in his long term goals. Why would you be willing to settle for that?

 

There is obviously a lot missing in your own marriage- why not take this opportunity to figure out what that is and whether it's worth fixing.

[lkjh]

I think it's obvious that your MM is of the typical kind. He's willing to cast you aside as soon as it could jeapordize his marriage. What that says is that you aren't his first choice, you aren't a priority, and you aren't included in his long term goals. Why would you be willing to settle for that?

 

There is obviously a lot missing in your own marriage- why not take this opportunity to figure out what that is and whether it's worth fixing.

 

 

Gotta disagree with the "there is something missing in your marriage" theory. Her actions and her lack of remorse(judging by the content and tone of the post) shows that she should not be married. Cheating comes way to easy to this person.

 

 

Op get a divorce, the other guy used you for sex and he cut it off because it was getting to serious for him. When hes horny he will text

[fooled once]

Here's my story. We are both married. I reconnected with an old friend on facebook about 9 months ago. At first it was an occassional email, IM and than a text. A few months later the texts starting getting flirty and sexual. We would text all day long, it became a habit, something we both looked forward too. We finally met up after a few months of talking, texting and the chemistry between was very strong. We only kissed that night. The texts became more and more and we finally met up again, this time it was sexual. We met up a few more times for sex and it's been nothing but amazing. We have such good chemistry. Obviously it's hard to see each other as we are both married. The last time we hung out was about a month ago and things changed. His wife accused him of cheating on him and of course my relationship with him has completely died down. He denied any cheating, but i guess she just doesn't believe him. He said he needs to lay low for now because he's afraid his wife will find out. I respect his decision, but am just so upset that things can not be how they use to. I told him that maybe it's best if we just said our goodbye's, but he insisted that he still wants to be friends, he just wants to lay low for now. I took that as he still wants to see me, but when things at home die down. But now i'm so confused because i don't receive texts from him and i can't refrain from texting him. I get dissapointed when the texts aren't the way they use to be, fun. He says that he's really depressed with things at home that's all. He IM'd me the other night and i was a little distant and he sensed it and asked me why i was being that way. I can't be all happy when i'm not. So we ended the convo and than IM'd me again and said i'm being mean to him and he doesn't like it. I reassured him that I was fine and i wasn't being distant that i was just tired.

 

I want to totally end it with him, but I can't seem to do it. I don't think he wants to totally end it with me either because he still wants to be friends and he's still concerned about my actions towards him. I'm so confused. Being in an affair is the hardest thing I have ever done.

 

If i end all contact with him, does it get any easier? Do u think if I stopped all contact with him he will start chasing me again?

 

Well, his wife was right, he was cheating on her.

 

I have such a hard time when women say "I can't end it", or "I can't refrain from contacting him".

 

YES YOU CAN - you are choosing not to.

 

People who are blind can't see. People who are paralyzed from the waist down can't walk. Those are things that can't be overturned.

 

YOU CAN not contact him. YOU CAN get through it. YOU CAN stop cheating on your spouse.

 

He isn't that into you. He got what he wanted. Sex. He got caught, LIED about it and now his wife is onto him.

 

He wants you to be around the next time the coast is clear to have sex. You want him to chase you???? Can I ask how old you are?

 

Is that what you want? To be his playmate? Why are you cheating on your spouse? Where is your concern for your spouse? Why is your only thought "boo hoo, when will he contact me again to get together?"

 

Either get IN your marriage or GET OUT. This is unfair to your spouse.

[1Angel]

Read and reread all of the replies here. They are good ones!

This line struck me:

 

I can't be all happy when i'm not. So we ended the convo and than IM'd me again and said i'm being mean to him and he doesn't like it.

 

Manipulation pure and simple! but then if you aren't contacting him so he will "chase" you, then you are the same. Good luck with that one.

 

Run, run, run away as fast as you can from this guy. Unless you like settling for crumbs, being used for sex and thrown under the bus when it suits him.