WhereToGoFromHere Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 The EA has lasted a little over a year and never gone past EA. Started as close friends and we're both in other M's and both BS's know about most of the interactions. They're both watching us closely but we've found ways to still make contact. We know its wrong and we've tried several NC's mostly initiated by her and then also broken by her. The longest ever has been 6 days until now. Honestly, how could I have ever imagined a different outcome than this? I know now that she needs to remain in her marriage and with her family. I know she loves me but I'm learning that she doesn't love me enough to give that up for me. As for me, I think I do love her that much. I'll admit that my marriage isn't where I want it to be but I think that's easy to say now and if it ever came to that, could I really ever give up my marriage and family for someone else? I know it has to end and I'm determined to respect this NC and I will only continue to encourage her if she tries to make contact again. There are many weak moments for me right now that I lose this determination. I have no one to talk to about any of this. My family/friends all know about it, but they don't understand so I thought I'd try here for some support. I know time heals everything, right? I know I'll feel stronger as time goes by. I'm was worried this morning that she'd try to make contact today, and now I'm devastated that she hasn't. Pretty pathetic, huh? Nothing, not a single word. I do love her enough to let go too so thats what I'm doing. I will not initiate contact and I haven't in most of the other NC's. I know what this is. I know how bad it is and I know that EA's can be considered worse than PA's. I know that it's cheating and I know that I'm a cheater now because of what I've done. I know all of that so spare me the condemnation. I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement and I have no place else to go. Right now, I pass the time watching TV or movies and I really have a hard time concentrating on work. I know it will get better, and I really am looking forward to be able have my life back, but for now this is horribly difficult. I sound like a high school girl. (no offense meant here).
jennie-jennie Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 (((((WTGFH))))) It was very powerful to read your post. A man writing that. I am sending you all the support I can over Internet. I know how extremely hard NC is. I did not even last 24 hours. Yet I had to continue for another 6 days because my MM had more endurability than I had. I wish you all the best. Be strong.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Do you miss her and love her enough to leave your wife? Also, how do you feel about your wife? You aren't doing her any favors if you don't love her.
fooled once Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I am sorry you are hurting and yes, TIME will help. But you also have to WANT to get over the EA. If you aren't willing to do that, then you will be stuck with the hurt. Kinda like a smoker -- if you don't want to quit, you won't be able to.
Jaspe_Loco Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 The EA has lasted a little over a year and never gone past EA. Started as close friends and we're both in other M's and both BS's know about most of the interactions. They're both watching us closely but we've found ways to still make contact. We know its wrong and we've tried several NC's mostly initiated by her and then also broken by her. The longest ever has been 6 days until now. Honestly, how could I have ever imagined a different outcome than this? I know now that she needs to remain in her marriage and with her family. I know she loves me but I'm learning that she doesn't love me enough to give that up for me. As for me, I think I do love her that much. I'll admit that my marriage isn't where I want it to be but I think that's easy to say now and if it ever came to that, could I really ever give up my marriage and family for someone else? I know it has to end and I'm determined to respect this NC and I will only continue to encourage her if she tries to make contact again. There are many weak moments for me right now that I lose this determination. I have no one to talk to about any of this. My family/friends all know about it, but they don't understand so I thought I'd try here for some support. I know time heals everything, right? I know I'll feel stronger as time goes by. I'm was worried this morning that she'd try to make contact today, and now I'm devastated that she hasn't. Pretty pathetic, huh? Nothing, not a single word. I do love her enough to let go too so thats what I'm doing. I will not initiate contact and I haven't in most of the other NC's. I know what this is. I know how bad it is and I know that EA's can be considered worse than PA's. I know that it's cheating and I know that I'm a cheater now because of what I've done. I know all of that so spare me the condemnation. I guess I'm just looking for some encouragement and I have no place else to go. Right now, I pass the time watching TV or movies and I really have a hard time concentrating on work. I know it will get better, and I really am looking forward to be able have my life back, but for now this is horribly difficult. I sound like a high school girl. (no offense meant here). My story is documented here already so I won't get into it again, but there are some similarities between you and I. In the first year of my EA with a MW, we tried NC several times. At one point, we had NC for over a year. I would have the same feelings as you. I would dread the day knowing that there was a possibility she would contact me only to be devastated when she didn't. I don't know if it's pathetic or not, but I do know it hurts like hell. I had a very difficult time just living. One thing I realized during out separation is that I have to live for me. I needed to find something that I enjoyed doing for me and no one else. Once I did, I began living again. Don't make anyone your life. Have a life and let others participate if they so choose. Good luck Bro. I hope it helps to know that you're not the only guy that occasionally feels like a high school girl.
Ellin Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I sypmpathise and understand your pain. I tried to go NC several times with my MM and all I managed was a few/several days.. I just couldn't function during those times. And I'm teffiried when I try to imagine myself in a situation when I have to be NC for good. I guess I'm not much of a help for you. I think that as long as you believe that there is a possibility of her contacting you again at some point it will be very difficult for you to move on. You will just keep waiting and hoping against your intentions.. In any case it won't be easy, but time and effort to fill your life with things that make you feel better will make it easier.. Thanks for sharing this and there's nothing wrong with the way you feel.
MizzBlue72 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 (HUGS) EAs are hard. You will get through this. Try to find activities to occupy your time. The less time you are alone in your head the better ... Good luck.
1Angel Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 One day at a time, even one hour at a time whatever it takes. It won't always be this tough.
Author WhereToGoFromHere Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Thanks for the responses. Today is now day 11...no signs at all . I guess at least if there is nothing from her, I won't be tempted to respond. I want whats best for her anyway, thats always how I've been. I've felt this was coming for a month or two now so its not really a suprise. It's helpful to know that you all understand what I'm going through. Like I said before I don't have anyone to talk to really about this. I'm trying to get an IC but my W doesn't really want me to unless its an MC that we share. I really think I need someone that is just for me. I will get through this. I will figure out me and I will focus on me. I'm glad I'm not the only male highschool girl I still feel pretty pathetic sometimes, but this was the most amazingly powerful experience I've lived through and its just really hard to see it end. I am also terrified that I'll never see/hear from her again. Thats always been something that I've never been able to grasp. I do miss her and I do love her and I know I always will.
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