BlueeyedJonesy Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I am new here and I'm in desperate need of advice. I will try to keep it short.. My H and I have been married for a year. We've been together for 6. We have 2 kids. (4yrs & 5mos) we are very happy together..to say the least. Right now things are rocky because a few months ago he went to the strip club THE NIGHT BEFORE OUR 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY. lied to me about where he was, then about a month later I find out through our credit card statement. I called him (he was away on business) and he told me that they had gone to a SC but he didn't want to go and he didn't do anything..so a few days pass and I know that 60 $ is alot of money to spend at a SC when your just watching...so I confront him and he tells me that he had two lapdances! Now here is my issue with everything. H and I have been to the SC together before and I am fine with that, but we both agreed we would never go without one another. At the time of all this happening I am at home feeling severly depressed with postpartum and in no way feeling good about myself so his excuse was "I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would hurt you" which I think is BS. anyways this isn't the first infidelity hes had. Back when we were dating I uncovered a whole secret world of phone sex and spending hundreds of dollars on it over a 10 year time period. Again he had an excuse that it was something he started doing when he was young and couldn't quit because it was a habit. Then on 2 other occasions he has been put in situations where I questioned his faithfulness to me. but I thought he was always honest with me. He is very good about telling me the truth, or so I thought until this last incident. Last march I also found out he set up an account on sexsearch.com and his excuse was that he just did it out of curiosity. I am so lost and I feel so stupid when I write this all out and read it..I'm thinking why the hell are you still there? I love him with all my heart, we have an amazing relationship but right now things are horrible..I feel like I can't trust him at all anymore. I feel like the whole time I was being the 'cool wife' by not nagging him, not snooping, and letting him go out and do things. Now I feel like I have to watch his every step and I have this feeling in the back of my mind that hes cheated on me. I really need some advice.
Miad's Princess Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 So he says "I didn't want to tell you because it would hurt you" Hunni if he really didn't want to hurt you he would never have went in the first place, let alone have not one but two lap dances and then lie to you . I really don't know what advice to give you if it were me I would be damned hurt too and doubting everything he does/says. If I were you, I would leave him to all his dirt and find someone who loves cares and respects you in the way you deserve to be treated I am sorry I couldn't be much help to you but I didn't want to just read and run. *Hugs*
ComeUndone Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I am new here and I'm in desperate need of advice. I will try to keep it short.. My H and I have been married for a year. We've been together for 6. We have 2 kids. (4yrs & 5mos) we are very happy together..to say the least. Right now things are rocky because a few months ago he went to the strip club THE NIGHT BEFORE OUR 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY. lied to me about where he was, then about a month later I find out through our credit card statement. I called him (he was away on business) and he told me that they had gone to a SC but he didn't want to go and he didn't do anything..so a few days pass and I know that 60 $ is alot of money to spend at a SC when your just watching...so I confront him and he tells me that he had two lapdances! Now here is my issue with everything. H and I have been to the SC together before and I am fine with that, but we both agreed we would never go without one another. At the time of all this happening I am at home feeling severly depressed with postpartum and in no way feeling good about myself so his excuse was "I didn't want to tell you because I knew it would hurt you" which I think is BS. anyways this isn't the first infidelity hes had. Back when we were dating I uncovered a whole secret world of phone sex and spending hundreds of dollars on it over a 10 year time period. Again he had an excuse that it was something he started doing when he was young and couldn't quit because it was a habit. Then on 2 other occasions he has been put in situations where I questioned his faithfulness to me. but I thought he was always honest with me. He is very good about telling me the truth, or so I thought until this last incident. Last march I also found out he set up an account on sexsearch.com and his excuse was that he just did it out of curiosity. I am so lost and I feel so stupid when I write this all out and read it..I'm thinking why the hell are you still there? I love him with all my heart, we have an amazing relationship but right now things are horrible..I feel like I can't trust him at all anymore. I feel like the whole time I was being the 'cool wife' by not nagging him, not snooping, and letting him go out and do things. Now I feel like I have to watch his every step and I have this feeling in the back of my mind that hes cheated on me. I really need some advice. This sounds like a terrible position for you to be in. He is a liar, coming forward with the truth only after he's been caught. He's not been honest and therefore you don't trust him, and without trust what do you have? IMO he is a sex addict on some level: strip clubs, phone sex, websites etc while lying to you about everything. From my experience I think problems like this are next to impossible to work through. A man with this much disrespect for their SO's and such a primal drive to continue messing around with sex sites and such is one that I would choose not to continue a relationship with. Been there, done that. Mine ended up actually cheating on me in the end... big surprise. Perhaps your situation isn't as severely on the rocks as mine was though. At the very least I would try marriage counseling or, if he won't go, individual counseling for yourself to learn ways to cope with this, ways to talk to him to possibly gain results, or how to gain the strength to leave should it come to that. Good luck.
Author BlueeyedJonesy Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Thanks for the advice. He is seeing a sexual addiction therapist. and I think that its helping. I am seeing a therapist as well for the amount of insecurity I feel at this point. No matter what happens I feel like I will always feel this way. There will always be something on the side..and no amount of counseling will make me feel secure again. Its been 2 months since the whole SC thing was revealed and It still hurts just as much. He really is trying but I feel like I am beyond repair. I am 23 years old and I feel way to young to have this much experience in heartache.. sorry if that doesn't make sense.. I am just so lost. I started taking prozac today. Hopefully it will help. Thanks for your strong words.
New_Life08 Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 Oh yeah, I know about the "I didn't want to hurt you" excuses. What that really means is "Damn, I didn't think you'd find out!" Sex addiction is like any other addiction, and going into a place like that knowing he has a problem with it is not a good sign. His therapy is out the window, he will have to start over. If he doesn't take it seriously, the lies will continue and he will only find better ways to hide it from you. I hope he gets the help he needs; you know as well as I do that the offense itself isn't half as damaging as the lies to cover it up. Personally I am not okay with sexual and emotional indiscretions. I make those boundaries very clear to anyone I am with. If they don't like it they can find someone else to put up with it. In your case, you two set boundaries that you would not go without each other and he not only violated that promise, he tried to deceive you too. I think you should have a very serious talk with him. You may have to agree not to go to those places at all. It seems the atmosphere would only reinforce his addiction. I hope you two can repair this and move ahead. It is a hard situation to be in when you have 2 babies to think about. All my best. Hang in there.
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