Gatormaniac Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I've been struggling with something for the last few days, so I figured I would write it down here and solicit some feedback: I have been with my SO for about 9 months. I'm 53 and she's 50. When we met, it was instant attraction. No doubt about it, we " clicked ". In late June, we went to Chicago to visit her family, which was great. In October, we went to Connecticut and NYC to visit mine. Unfortunately, we had to return to Connecticut in early November, because my mom was deathly ill. She died before we got there. We have also taken several trips in between, mostly the beach. We see each other every day, and we stay at either her place or mine 2 or 3 nights a week. We talked about a future together. We had our ups and downs but always handled things pretty well. We are a good team. On Saturday morning, I found out that she had been having an affair with her ex-BF ( Whom she claimed to despise ) since July. If not for a chance email encounter, I never would have known. She says that the affair was not physical, but one email mentioned " spooning ". They signed off with " love " and also used the words " sweetheart " and " Babe ". One of the e-mails even talked about a future together. Apparently, they have been meeting for lunch, sharing e-mails, and talking via phone. I confronted her with this and all hell broke loose. All she would say is that she loved me, not him. When I asked her why she was seeing him, she said she doesn't know. I've been a mess over this until this morning. One minute I want to tell her to go pound sand ( or him ) and the next I wanted to work it out. She told me this morning that she wanted me, and me alone, and said the affair is over. I believe her. I decided to give it a second chance, because I love this woman like none I've loved before, and I believe she feels the same about me. We are going to counseling ( her suggestion ). My trust is torn and my heart is badly bruised, but I'm a strong person and believe our love is worth a second chance. Am I doing the right thing, or should I just take my lumps and end it? What would you do? Thanks
Beeotch Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I've been struggling with something for the last few days, so I figured I would write it down here and solicit some feedback: I have been with my SO for about 9 months. I'm 53 and she's 50. When we met, it was instant attraction. No doubt about it, we " clicked ". In late June, we went to Chicago to visit her family, which was great. In October, we went to Connecticut and NYC to visit mine. Unfortunately, we had to return to Connecticut in early November, because my mom was deathly ill. She died before we got there. We have also taken several trips in between, mostly the beach. We see each other every day, and we stay at either her place or mine 2 or 3 nights a week. We talked about a future together. We had our ups and downs but always handled things pretty well. We are a good team. On Saturday morning, I found out that she had been having an affair with her ex-BF ( Whom she claimed to despise ) since July. If not for a chance email encounter, I never would have known. She says that the affair was not physical, but one email mentioned " spooning ". They signed off with " love " and also used the words " sweetheart " and " Babe ". One of the e-mails even talked about a future together. Apparently, they have been meeting for lunch, sharing e-mails, and talking via phone. I confronted her with this and all hell broke loose. All she would say is that she loved me, not him. When I asked her why she was seeing him, she said she doesn't know. I've been a mess over this until this morning. One minute I want to tell her to go pound sand ( or him ) and the next I wanted to work it out. She told me this morning that she wanted me, and me alone, and said the affair is over. I believe her. I decided to give it a second chance, because I love this woman like none I've loved before, and I believe she feels the same about me. We are going to counseling ( her suggestion ). My trust is torn and my heart is badly bruised, but I'm a strong person and believe our love is worth a second chance. Am I doing the right thing, or should I just take my lumps and end it? What would you do? Thanks Since you are going to counselling that might help you to figure it out. My rule about apologies are: if the person is unable to articulate everything they did wrong, WHY they did it, WHY they're sorry and WHY they won't do it again and what has now changed...then it is meaningless, as it is a reflex to apologize once backed into a corner. If you did not happen across this email, chances are the affair would have continued. Apologizing because you are caught is not the same as coming clean on your own. She is perhaps sorry for being caught. How long has she been apart from this ex? You could possibly be her rebound, or "safe option". These are all things to consider. It is easy to "believe" her because ofcourse you want it to be true that she is sorry so you can move on and not hurt....but the painful truth is better now than comfortable delusions that end up crashing down. I think you should get to the bottom of her and her ex and not accept "I don't know" as an answer. That is VERY lame and ridiculous. There is no way my man could cheat on me with his ex and simply say "I don't know why I did it. Sorry" and I accept it and move on happily. HELLLL NO! That is for the naiive. I am only 21...so I even expect this less from someone with as much life experience as you should have. Something is fishy....even if the relationship can work, counseling is a good move and you should really THINK about everything and get to the truth as if she does it again in the future...sorry to say but this was a HUGE red flag, blaring red flag and you would have ignored it and it would be none other than you to blame.
GorillaTheater Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 You're in a tough spot, and you have my sympathies. I looked at some of your past posts, and found this form June of '08: Ask yourself this question: " Can I ever trust her again?" If you answered " yes ", chances are you're lying to yourself. Now, I know we're talking about a different context here, but do you think your earlier words might have some bearing on your current situation?
sean1970 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I'm sorry for you. Very tough spot to be in. Remember, she did not end the relationship because she wanted to (quite the contrary from what you found), she ended it because she got caught. In the end, you are looking at a woman that can, and will, lie, cheat, deceive, and manipulate? Is that a woman worthy of your respect and love? If you can live with it (and I hope you cant), remember, trust is never fully restored after infidelity. Never.
Author Gatormaniac Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Since you are going to counselling that might help you to figure it out. My rule about apologies are: if the person is unable to articulate everything they did wrong, WHY they did it, WHY they're sorry and WHY they won't do it again and what has now changed...then it is meaningless, as it is a reflex to apologize once backed into a corner. If you did not happen across this email, chances are the affair would have continued. Apologizing because you are caught is not the same as coming clean on your own. She is perhaps sorry for being caught. How long has she been apart from this ex? You could possibly be her rebound, or "safe option". These are all things to consider. It is easy to "believe" her because ofcourse you want it to be true that she is sorry so you can move on and not hurt....but the painful truth is better now than comfortable delusions that end up crashing down. I think you should get to the bottom of her and her ex and not accept "I don't know" as an answer. That is VERY lame and ridiculous. There is no way my man could cheat on me with his ex and simply say "I don't know why I did it. Sorry" and I accept it and move on happily. HELLLL NO! That is for the naiive. I am only 21...so I even expect this less from someone with as much life experience as you should have. Something is fishy....even if the relationship can work, counseling is a good move and you should really THINK about everything and get to the truth as if she does it again in the future...sorry to say but this was a HUGE red flag, blaring red flag and you would have ignored it and it would be none other than you to blame. Yes, the answer is lame. I told her that people do things for a reason. This is especially true since this was not just a fling. I hope to get an answer in counseling. If not, I ill have to reevaluate. Yes, I was a rebound guy. The best I can tell, we met about a month she split with her ex. BTW. her ex cheated on her. Can you explain what a " safe option " is? I am older, but somewhat naive when it comes to this situation, Thank-you all for your responses, please keep them coming. It goes a long way as I try to unravel this.
sean1970 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Can you explain what a " safe option " is? I am older, but somewhat naive when it comes to this situation. Safe option is the one that she knows she can count on to be there for her emotionally. Someone that wont hurt her.
Author Gatormaniac Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 You're in a tough spot, and you have my sympathies. I looked at some of your past posts, and found this form June of '08: Ask yourself this question: " Can I ever trust her again?" If you answered " yes ", chances are you're lying to yourself. Now, I know we're talking about a different context here, but do you think your earlier words might have some bearing on your current situation? I have asked myself that question. The answer is; I don't know. I do know a lot of damage has been done.
Author Gatormaniac Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Safe option is the one that she knows she can count on to be there for her emotionally. Someone that wont hurt her. The word " safe " has been mentioned. Actually, she called me safe in an e-mail.
sean1970 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I have asked myself that question. The answer is; I don't know. I do know a lot of damage has been done. The problem is Gatromaniac, its not just trust issues you need to be thinking about; its also her character flaws and her total lack of respect for you. While I know it hurts like hell, it should also piss you off plenty. The trust factor, in my opinion, is just the final nail in the coffin.
Author Gatormaniac Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 The problem is Gatromaniac, its not just trust issues you need to be thinking about; its also her character flaws and her total lack of respect for you. While I know it hurts like hell, it should also piss you off plenty. The trust factor, in my opinion, is just the final nail in the coffin. Yeah, I'm pretty pissed off about everything. And, yeah, it hurts. Still, I believe I should give it a chance. Although, I will go in with eyes, and ears, open wide.
shaman Posted December 16, 2009 Posted December 16, 2009 Gatormaniac your story could be mine. I tried to make it work but she did it again. This time she went back to her ex. Although he wasnt her ex yet. She was seperated but not yet divorced. Now her ex is out of the picture and she wants to get back with me. Shes a serial cheater I think. Good luck to you, but dont be surprised if it happens again. They were making plans for the future. Theres probably more there than you think and shes probably still communicating with him. Be very careful.
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