jeepmanw518 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Okay. I have been married 2 plus years. I am in the Army Reserves and was deployed several years ago long before i met my wife. last october my wife lost her job at the school she taught at and continued to work at her part time job periodiacally. Every year I go away for several weeks and while i was gone for three weeks in august my wife left. she has an apartment near her mothers house but doesn't want me to know where. its a good two hours away from our house. we had an arguement prior to our anniversary in which she expressed her desire to have a trial seperation. i was the typical husband and i couldn't beleive any of what was happening to me. she asked about counseling and i said i didn't want to see a stranger about our problems. we discussed children and the fact she may not be able to have any and like an idiot i told her i wanted my own children and adoption was out of the question. i thought we had come to an agreement and went out for our anniversary twice because the movie we went to see sold out that was in july. in august i went away for three weeks. we talked every night on the phone the second week she went to a confrence for her coaching job its part time also. when she returned she aparently called the movers and by the time i came back she had taken everything. i got a text message from her the night i was to arrive home. my father and a freind showed up and talked to me so i wouldn't flip out. i arranged to meet my wife that sunday (two days later) things didn't go so bad i was very emotional begging and pleading. she agreed to see me again. i met her at a mall and had her help me pick out weddign gifts for some friends of ours. i went to the wedding by myself. we made a date and went bowling we had fun and then she went out of town for work again. several weeks went by and i convinced her to go to counseling. she went and the therapist told us to make a date. after the session we spent several hours together. we planned a date and went on a haunted hay ride. i think it went okay we laughed alot and she commented on my hair and it was nice to see me shaven. i had been calling her like everyday i know it was a bad move. we sceduled some more sessions which she claimned to be sick. the flu was going around and she couldn't talk on the phone she had no voice. so the fourth session was coming up and i reminded her about it but she told me she wasn't going to make it and wrote me an email. in it she dropped the bomb. i was shocked as i thought things were going better. so i left her be for a whole week and asked her to go to the next session. i cleaned the whole house and took her all the possesions of hers i could find. she showed up for the session and the therapist asked me to step out for a few min. i came back and my wife had told her that the relationship is over but she wanted us to be freinds. i was upset and she left and waited for me in her car for 30 mins. or so. I went out to our cars and we talked and decided to go to a local coffee shop. she loaded all the stuff in car and we left. we talked for a few hours again and we laughed she even started the ribbing. a woman i do business with suggested to me i should take my wedding ring off before the next time i met my wife. she had taken hers off in september. while i was eating i saw her look at my hand and then back to me and then back to my hand. she looked very hurt from the realization of what i had done. we hugged and she said she would look in her appartment for more of my stuff she took when she moved out i made 14 boxes of her stuff she left behind and i got a shoe box. she wrote me another letter confessing to me her sins against me. she didn't repsect me and all the decisons i made about our future. i work a full time job and have a business on the side. she claimed she flirted with men to help boost her ego she claims nothing ever happened. she was sorry for not keeping the house in order. so i have read several books she moved out "the divorce remedy" among others i have decided to leave her alone and not call or anything. over the holiday my family text her. my brother sent her a message telling her he was sorry they had not talked lately and if there was anything he could do to help he would be there for her. my father wished her a happy thanksgiving and hoped things were different. so here is my current dilema. yesterday after work she text me "555-5555 is mom or dad? my old phone wont turn on" i waited and knowing it was brother called him and asked why my wife would be asking me about his phone number. once i realized what he had done i simply replied "neither its my brothers #. i get "ohhh ok. i don't have anyones in my book thanks." so then she text me "5555 is moms right?" i replied again nope thats dads number. i waited several mins and text her "moms # is 5555" and to that she replied "thanks jeepmanw518 bunches!)" to that i have replied nothing. my original plan was to not call her until the 18th of november and offer to meet her for coffee at a borders in the mall. i had planned on meeting her for 20 minutes and then tell her i have shopping to finish before christmas and leave her wanting more. i would appreciate any help and thanks for reading i know this is a really long post.
Author jeepmanw518 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 the phone thing bugs me because she knew it was someone from my family and she could have called them instead of asking me who it was that contacted her.. maybe i shouldn't have responded
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 she has overdrawn our joint bank account more than once since she left. i noticed she has been getting netflix with that account. should i close that account? i asked her to release me from our cell phone account so i could get my own plan but when i tried to do that she had a portion of the bill in collections so i payed the over due amount and the current bill. i will go this weekend and see if its feesible to stay on the account and pay it or get my own and let her deal with loosing the phone.
mark982 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 jeep, by all means close ALL accounts,checking,savings,credit cards the whole nine yards. and pay attention to your credit report,could open up accounts w/o you knowing.
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I have not been served with divorce papers and it has been almost a month since she told me she wanted one. should i be concerned? should i consider filing myself or will that upset her?
mark982 Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 don't see how she can afford a lawyer as she's overdrawing the accts. you did close them right?? if your in a hurry to get divorced then by all means file. but you gotta protect yourself---close those accts NOW.
floridapad Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 Sorry jeep man but that is a long detailed post and I'm noit 100% sure what the crux of the issue is other than her overdrafting your accounts. Obviously close them if she is doing that. You say not contact seperation but you are reading divorce remedy so it seems like you want to make it work? NC is not the solution if that is the case unless she is in the middle of an affair. Please if you can summarize the major issues. The global high level issues.
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 I want to work on our marriage. i'm not the one who wanted the divorce so i won't file. As far as the no contact during the seperation goes. it is a combination between what our marriage counselor told me to do and a technique that i have read about. the counselor said that you have to stop the chase which was also in the divorce remedy. also i read in a get your ex back book that staying out of contact could make your ex stop running away. making them look back and try to figure out why your not chasing them. i believe that my actions toward her are the main reason for her wanting out of the marriage. IE being lonely. I would work extra to offest her lost income. forcing me to work two jobs to keep the bills payed. I asked her several times to get a job after her surgery. i think it was too soon for her. she had been on bed rest for he months of april and may. when she started doing more around the house i thought she was healed fully. we had an arguement about children where i said i wanted my own children and adoption was out of the question (this was in the heat of an arguement). we have not ever even tried to have kids. she has been on birth control our whole marriage. so we had not exhausted all our options.
D-Lish Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 You should find out what the divorce laws in your State are. You want to make sure that you don't file first, only to find out later doing so might be to your financial detriment. Consult a lawyer and find out your best course of action. It sounds like she was initially looking to work things out with a counsellor, and might have started looking for a way out after you told her you weren't interested. She might have taken that as non interest on your part to get serious about working things out. It might have been too late in her eyes when you agreed to counselling. Sometimes people use counselling as a means to an end, rather than a way to reconcile. If you want your own children and she can't have children- she might see this as an issue that can't be solved. Regardless, I am sorry you are going through all of this (hugs).
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 I dont know, if this marriage is salvageable. I mean no kids, she wants to walk away, doesnt even try... I mean your in the army reserves, c'mon it's not rocket science. I'm thinking if it came down to it, your gonna get fed up with her running away from her problems. I mean you guys are supposed to have each others backs and be a team. I dont see how you guys will reconsile if you guys stay seperated. Plus she doesnt want to get a job??? Your working two jobs to support her and yourself, what the F is she bringing to the table? I know she probably was hurting after the surgery but seriously she doesnt sound like a stable woman mentally or financially to be your long term partner. So maybe this is the end. I know you love her... but damn maybe you see things differently if you two guys are apart. I'm all for saving the marriage, but when you have one spouse walking away, what's the damn point?
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) i forgot to mention while she was on bed rest i tried to make the most comfortable that i could. so like an idiot i slept on the couch(i flop she calls it didn't want to hit her stomach) when she brought up counseling in july when i turned it down i think thats when she decided she was leaving. i'm not giving up just yet. she started a new job on monday thanks to facebook Edited December 4, 2009 by jeepmanw518
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 i plan on trying to meet her for coffee still. i was thinking that i might send her parents a christmas card?
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 5, 2009 Author Posted December 5, 2009 I went to family day for the Army today man was that hard..... I saw lots of happy families some with children and some without.. it has been a rough day!!
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 7, 2009 Author Posted December 7, 2009 Well i'm on day 19 I have to admit it is gettign easier every day.
mark982 Posted December 7, 2009 Posted December 7, 2009 hey jeep, great for you. keep going it gets better.
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 8, 2009 Author Posted December 8, 2009 I am on day 20 of no contact. i went to the bank today and closed our joint account. i'm sure she will be upset when she doesn't get her netflix movies in the mail but then again she never asked me to use our money for that. I wonder if i am doing the wrong thing by hanging on? she has not tried to call me.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 8, 2009 Posted December 8, 2009 my advice is to keep moving!!! ignore her and stay nc.
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 SO am I wrong to want to break no contact next week in hopes of meeting her for coffee? the only time she has contacted me in the last three weeks was about text messages received by her from my family regarding thanks giving. when she sent these messages she refered to my parents as mom and dad. am I nuts or was she checking up on me because she hadn't heard from me? she sent my parents photos of the cabinet my father made for her after her grandmother painted it. she also posted them on facebook commenting that her father in-law built it for her.
Chrome Barracuda Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 So WHAT??? It has nothing to do with you, dont read into anything circumstantial. Keep ignoring her and keep it moving. Dont call her in any form. dont communicate in any form she has to feel what your doing is real. NC is for you alone to regain self respect and dignity. She cant respect that now, so keep it moving until she does. One day you'll realize that in the end, you did right by her and you cannot tolerate what she's done. simple as that.
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 I'm on day 23 of NC. spent a long time the night before in the plow truck ugh. The wife used to hate my long nights and cold feet when i got home so yesterday was hard for me.
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 12, 2009 Author Posted December 12, 2009 i'm on day 24 of NC. i have been reading today and i think i decided to give her the divorce she asked for last month as a christmas gift.
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 14, 2009 Author Posted December 14, 2009 OKAY. day 26 I had a bad day saturday I'm going to see this through. I love her too much to jump the gun.
Author jeepmanw518 Posted December 21, 2009 Author Posted December 21, 2009 update. I went to meet her for coffee friday night. she was hungry so we went to the food court in the mall. she picked on me for starting my shopping so soon! lol told me i looked good commented that she liked my shirt. picked on me about the grey hair i have now. we spent about four hours together shopping and talking. I never brought up our relationship. she has a new job that she loves helping kids. so she is no longer depressed and seems very happy. she was bouncing around like i haven't seen her do in quite a while. she hugged me and told me i am too skinny. i have lost 20 pounds since june (alot of that i attribute to drinking diet soda). i asked her too call me and she said she would on christmas eve. her new job had her working like 80 hours a week. I guess i shouldn't get my hopes up. I asked if she would like to go to a hockey game and she said she would like that (we have never gone as a couple). she needs to go to a doctor (specialist) for female problems and commented she would have to spend the night. its two hours from my house and four from her appartment.
mikeymad Posted December 21, 2009 Posted December 21, 2009 jeep, if you read the divorce remedy- the first rule once you make contact again is GO SLOW. you advancing only pushed her away before, and if you come at her full speed, she's gonna bolt again. I would advise against spending the night, because it seems like it's going to put you in either a bad state because it reminds you of "what was", or she is seeing what she can get you to do without committing herself. You already asked her to call you and make a date, which seems like overboard after NC for 20+ days. You have to seem busy with your life and that you don't have all the time in the world.
Author jeepmanw518 Posted January 5, 2010 Author Posted January 5, 2010 well today i just found out she has had sex with some other guy. i'm numb she hasn't served me yet. anyone got a clue where i should go from here?
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