mikeldalene Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 My husband and I have been married 2 yrs. We moved to a new state a little over a year ago. It has been really tough on us emotionally, physically and financially. I couldn't find a job and fell into a depression. It wasn't too bad, I found a part time job making little money but it was something. Then my husband got laid off. The only job he could find was 2 hrs away and for 2 months he stayed in a hotel there during the week. We moved to the new city and again hitting the same problem - I can't find a job (I work administration). I really fell into a depression deeply. (within the year, car was repossessed, all credit cards defaulted and we lost our house to foreclosure in MD) I barely spoke to my husband, I ignored him (I realize all this now). he said i pushed him away and he felt abandoned. Well I busted him cheating with a woman he works with. I even acknowledged her that I knew what was going on and please back off my husband. She hasn't. He says he has an emotional attachment to her and feels bad he brought her into our mess. To say the least I also turned into pyscho wife. I hacked into his emails - but I have to say up until 2 months ago there were no secrets, hiding anything. I always had his password and we had always left our emails up and opened in front of each other. Well, this weekend he is out of town at his fathers funeral (which he is/was estranged from) and I went into his email and she had emailed a pictured of them together with his arms around her. (Taken on Thanksgiving day) I got so crazy about it, that I sent him the picture through his phone, went into his facebook (which once I busted them he wouldn't delete her) and I changed his profile picture to a picture of us together on our wedding day. He got so angry, he blocked me from facebook, changed all his passwords and sent me an email saying "Seriously, move on with your life". 4 hrs later when I saw the email, I emailed him back asking "Is this what you really want". 3 hours later he emailed back "yes". But yet he keeps texting me with little things about his father the last few days. I think he's just checking up on me. I am so heartbroken, I never thought this would happen to us. My question(s) is - Is my marriage really over? Is he really going to leave me? I know our marriage has been rocky and I have admitted, accepted and apologized for all my faults. But he hasn't yet. And now he wants to end it? The financial situation we are in, neither one of us can move out anytime soon. We are in a new city with no family or friends near by.
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 My husband and I have been married 2 yrs. We moved to a new state a little over a year ago. It has been really tough on us emotionally, physically and financially. I couldn't find a job and fell into a depression. It wasn't too bad, I found a part time job making little money but it was something. Then my husband got laid off. The only job he could find was 2 hrs away and for 2 months he stayed in a hotel there during the week. We moved to the new city and again hitting the same problem - I can't find a job (I work administration). I really fell into a depression deeply. (within the year, car was repossessed, all credit cards defaulted and we lost our house to foreclosure in MD) I barely spoke to my husband, I ignored him (I realize all this now). he said i pushed him away and he felt abandoned. Well I busted him cheating with a woman he works with. I even acknowledged her that I knew what was going on and please back off my husband. She hasn't. He says he has an emotional attachment to her and feels bad he brought her into our mess. To say the least I also turned into pyscho wife. I hacked into his emails - but I have to say up until 2 months ago there were no secrets, hiding anything. I always had his password and we had always left our emails up and opened in front of each other. Well, this weekend he is out of town at his fathers funeral (which he is/was estranged from) and I went into his email and she had emailed a pictured of them together with his arms around her. (Taken on Thanksgiving day) I got so crazy about it, that I sent him the picture through his phone, went into his facebook (which once I busted them he wouldn't delete her) and I changed his profile picture to a picture of us together on our wedding day. He got so angry, he blocked me from facebook, changed all his passwords and sent me an email saying "Seriously, move on with your life". 4 hrs later when I saw the email, I emailed him back asking "Is this what you really want". 3 hours later he emailed back "yes". But yet he keeps texting me with little things about his father the last few days. I think he's just checking up on me. I am so heartbroken, I never thought this would happen to us. My question(s) is - Is my marriage really over? Is he really going to leave me? I know our marriage has been rocky and I have admitted, accepted and apologized for all my faults. But he hasn't yet. And now he wants to end it? The financial situation we are in, neither one of us can move out anytime soon. We are in a new city with no family or friends near by. mikel - sorry you are going thru this. Really! I believe finances are one of the biggest stressors on any marriage. Can you guys start marriage counseling (MC)? It all seems so sudden. Maybe this affair has been going on longer than you think? There seems to be a little of a trust issue too. Email hacking, facebook updating, ... Also, I think it is great that you are here on LS, it will help you tremendously. You will see that. But, there is a lot of info missing. Are you still living together? The timeline is incomplete. Who is / isn't working now? Any kids? The more info. you share the better advice you can be given. I don't think the marriage is necessarily "over" now, but you two need to start working on it now. MC, end his other affair, real communication, ... If it gets worse you may need to start NC and do a 180. For you! (you can search for it here on LS) And to let him know you are ok. Keep posting... PEACE!
nobmagnet Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 NC = no contact...............180 =turn it on them but behaviour strenghts and.coping. I feel for you I really do I am in a similar situation emotionally but as feelinglonly said ifyou are strong enough to share more infowe allmight have a better insight as to how totry to help you through this. xx
Author mikeldalene Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Yes, we are still living together. The time line has been 2 months. He friended several of co workers from work on his facebook. I started noticing him chatting with this one girl. Apparently there was contruction going on at where offices were being moved and she was doing a lot of complaining because she wanted more space. It was going on right in front of me, my husband would tell me about the conversation and I even would read their chat sessions going on (we sat right next to each other). But then several weeks ago around the beginning of November, I started to become leary of it. I stated to him that I thought they were conversing a little too much outside of work. I told him I was uncomfortable with it and I felt it was inappropriate. He said they are just friends. Then 2 weeks ago, I picked up his cell phone and found 3 messages on it, 2 from her and 1 to her. 2 of the messages were sexual in content and 1 message from her said "home baby". I flipped, he said he has not slept with her that they have been "sexting". He was the aggressor, he started it with her because he felt I pushed him away and felt abandoned. Of course we have been pretty much fighting ever since because he wouldn't end the friendship. By that I mean he wouldn't delete her from facebook. 3 days after finding the texts and 3 nights of arguing and both crying, we had a small breakthrough. We had wonderful sex. Later that night I got up and went to the bathroom, walking past his computer, his email was up. (I have to tell you, that until 2 months ago nothing was ever hidden. we shared everything and had nothing to hide) I noticed an email had come in from a weird email address, I looked at it and it was a link to a website on how to perform a certain sexual position. I did a reverse lookup of the email address and it came back to her! It really pissed me off because I know my husband had told her that I was in all emails, facebook, phone, etc... I felt she did it just to stir up a fight and that's exactly what she did. so the fighting has continued. He has to work thanksgiving day and the email of the picture of the two together was taken on that day because I ironed the damn clothes he was wearing. But I have to admit my fault in the marriage too...I lost my sex drive from depression, plus sex has been painful for me. I started to see a dr last year about it and then my husband was laid off and we lost our insurance. I am seeing Dr's now and having tests done and I go back next week for all the results. but he says my ovaries are enlarged and he believes I have masses on them and will needs surgery. This is my husbands 2nd marriage, his first was a tumultuous one for 20 yrs. This is my first marriage. I know during my depression, I ignored him, barely talked. In all honesty, I never shared my life before and my reaction to my depression to me was normal. I didn't realize at the time how bad it was affecting him. I feel and know I was a bad wife in an emotional and physical sense. Why do we always realize stuff too late? We have no children together, he has 2 that are grown from his first marriage. I have apologized to him. I am so heartbroken and don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my husband but i feel I am the one who pushed into another woman's arms. I have lost 13lbs in 10 days, can barely eat and the emotions I am experiencing are overwhelming. i have become a complete nutjob!
bhgirl Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I can tell you there is hope my husband and I recently reconciled, but I was the same way as you going bananas and just acting crazy. You have to give him his space and not go off when you see him. I am telling you being as happy as you can be will peek is curosity. It was and is hard at times to keep on a happy face, but if you show you are not this weak emotional wreck it will work in my opinion. The more you fight with him and argue the further you will push him away. I think my seperation was one of the best things that happen because it gave me time to reflect on what I had done to push my husband away. I to was ignoring him and taking him for granted. Sometimes we don't realize it until something like this happens. I am so sorry you are going through this, but if you just take a deep breath and work on you it will work out in the end I promise you.
Author mikeldalene Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Thanks bhgirl! But how do I do it with us living in the same house? His son arrives here tomorrow and his son's girlfriend on Thursday. They'll both be here a week! There goes our guest room that I have been in for the last 2 weeks. Not only have I been a nutjob, but today my emotions are - I'm scared.
FeelingLonely98 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 bh and mikel - don't either one of you blame yourselves or say you were a "bad wife". Your HUSBANDS have a responsibility to discuss any lesser feelings they are having about the M. They are NEVER excused for having an affair. You may have contributed to the A in small way but you are the victim, not him. Do not blame yourself. I too blamed myself for the first month and lost 30 lbs. but I realized it really had nothing to do with me and it was her issues that caused it. That realization helped me tremendously. That is what "saved" me. We're still separated but as far as ME (FL98!) goes, I'm ok, and I do not beat myself up anymore. It still hurts but it's not my fault. PEACE!
Gunny376 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 (edited) bhgril is right but you need to carry it to its maximum level. In part what she did say was some of the 180's. There not always that easy for someone such as yourself who finds themselves in your current situation. First of all refuse to fight ~ argue. Just refuse to do it. That's the first thing your going to have to do. Who wants to be around someone always in your face? Right? Someone who everytime you walk in the door? ITS OWN! Second quit worrying. Easier said than done I realize, but there no sense in worrying about something you can't do anything about ~ right? Most of the things we worry about never come about 99% of the time. Its the other 1% that we don't even think about let alone worry about that hits like a Louisville Slugger in the back of your head. And that includes him and her. The harder you pursue ~ the further and faster he's going to run away ~ in to her arms. Quit snooping in his e-mails, my space, facebook, telephone. It accomplishes nothing, achieves nothing, prevents nothing. That is but two things? It feeds the fire of both your current troubles, and your imagination. In the end? Your only going to accomplish sirring up his trust issues, invasion of privacy and space issues. So stop doing that! Your only hurting yourself and jeopardizing any chance of possible reconciliation. Now some on here will tell you to expose the affair, (be it just an emotional or an actual physical. In the current economic condition we're in, and especially your current financial situation, exposing the affair might not be such a good idea. Especially are work. So your going to have to be careful with that one ~ and think about it long and hard. The harder you work to stop the affair? The more you fuel it. You asked for the 180's list, so I'll print it for you here. This is from Michelle Weiner Davis' book Divorcebusting: Quote: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes I wouldn't implement this until AFTER she refuses compliance. Instead, I'd be fairly cooperative with her right up until Legal Separation. After that, I'd do 180's and let her stew a little. She'll be off balance because she's no longer in charge, and she'll be wondering if you're moving on without her. 180's are best done while you're still in contact. The idea is to be ATTRACTIVE, but not solutions. You're pleasant, you're charming, but you're also doing what you need to do in order to protect your family. Right now, you don't have to worry about going to NC (no contact). You're nowhere near needing that yet. This is from the thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=95838&highlight=wolfe Which to my knowledge to my knowledge is one of a handful of couples that reconciled (DW had mental health issues). Meanwhile you take all that pent upped enegry at put it toward introspection about your role in all of this. Examine the past ~ but don't beat yourself up about it. What was? Was! And what is? IS! And what will be? Will be! Its just that plian and simple. There's the person you were, the person you are, and the person your going to become because of the other two. Choose, no matter what the outcome to make this a positive experience in the long run. Work on yourself, improving yourself and your own personal situation. I wouldn't worry too much about the debt situation. The house has been foreclosed and in this market it won't sell very soon. They come after you for the difference between what you owed and what the house eventuallly sells for until they sell the house and that will be years in coming. Dittio for the car, which will occur rather suddenly. I would't worry about that one either. Oh you'll get phone calls and letters, but people change their phone numbers, calling plans, carrers all of the time. As well as addresses. But its mostly harasement and intimidation in a an effort to get you to pay ~ hoping that you will pay? Most don't but there's a per centage that do, (very small) The charged off credit cards are different. Every state has statue of limitations on different types of debt. For example in Maryland, for a loan obtained thorugh an oral agreement is 3 years, for a written aggreement 3 years, for a promissory note ~ Mortgages and such ~ 6 years, and for open -ended accouts ~ credit and department store cards ~ 3 years. What all that means is that is that you fall the statue of limitations laws of protectoin of "absolute defense" which means they your no longer obligated to re-pay the debt. Your credit score, (aka FICO or "Beacon Score) will take a hit for up to seven years, (anything you do in paying anything on the account moves that date further out. That is to say that if you make a partial payment a year from now? You've just moved that seven year date out a year further) Don't fall for the "Well settled this $5000 debt you owe use for $1000) Not only did you just move that seven year window further out ~ but the IRS will be sending you a letter that you owe them taxes on $4,000 (the difference between the original loan amount and the $1,000) I wouldn't file bankruptcy. Better to ride it out for the initial three years until you hit the statue of limitations within three years and ride it out re-building your credit (which you start doing in as little as year or two using a 'secured Visa or Mastercard'. Bankruptcy now stays on your credit report for ten years, while if you just ride it out for seven years while re-builing your credit and credit score. Now that doesn't mean you want be getting the phone calls and letters in the mail. Initially from the original creditor who will then write it off their books and sell the debt to a debt collection agency for say .80 cents on the dollar. THey'll try and collect, then write it off their books (and get a tax credit in doing so) and sell it to another debt collector for say .60 on the dollar, who will do the same thing over and over until it gets to the bottom dwellers. The bottom dwellers will tell you're they're going to come over and break your legs, convince you that not paying your debt is a crime and they're going to swear a warrant for your arrest, call HRS and your going to lose your children ~ all of which is illegal! Just tell them FO and to go pound sand in their @zz! You might want to Google a website titled "DebtProof Living" it is to personal finance what Love Shack is to interpersonal relationship. Its a paid website, ($5.45 a month) but will get you access to all of the fourmn and back e-newsletters which is chaulked full of everyday people dealing with real everyday financial problems ~ recipies, canning, making your own cleaning supplies, (using rubbing alcohol @ $1 a quart to clean and polish stainless steel ~ instead of $6 a pint of aersole "Stainless Steel" Cleaner, (which you guessed it? Contains 99% rubbing alcohol) to making your own beauty products. It also has a lot of ideas for Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthdays when your dollar is short. Its run by Mary Hunt who has several books out. She believe it or not was in worse shape. Along with a mortgage (in California ) and two car (f)leases, she and her husband owed over $100,000 in credit card debt. It took them thirteen years, but they got out of the car (f)leases bought and drove used cars, (I would recommend the next car you get be a Toyota Corrala ~ those babies just keep on running and running! They don't stop for anything but gas, tires, and oil. Ok you do have to do maintenance on them ~ but they hold the world's record for the most milage ~ 1,000,000. Think I'm kidding? Walk through the mall or WalMart and look at how many 1980 model Toyotas are in the parking lot? They look like hell, but they're running!) paid off the mortgage and the $100,000. Her book "DebtProof Living" is all about how they did it. Its also about what each of us need to do to keep from finding ourselves in financial straits. Its because I read her book that I'm a couple of months away from being totally of debt, have a years income sitting in CD's in the bank, have contingencey funds ($5,000 alone for auto repairs ~ I'm not a "Shadetree Sam" kind of guy? I can change out a battery, alternator, starter and such ~ but beyond that?) I know that you didn't ask for all of the financial advice, (BTW you can probally find her book(s) at the library. Also check out to see if you can find a book titled "DivorceBusters" and another must have book is The Reader's Digest "Fix It Yourself" as well as Popular Mechanics version of the same. But I figured given your sitiuation you could use some additional "news you could use" type info. Finally, sorry to hear about your medical condition ~ that's some serious scary ****ake! I had a former HS GF that went through the same thing. I won't go into details ~ which I know you will apppreciate. You said your in "administration" In this economy you've got to take any and everything you can find ~ well tolerate and stomach. Retiring from the Corps was really, really tough. A lot of people and companies don't won't to hire military veterans for some reason. I had a really hard time finding a job when I got serious about finding one after college (business finance major ~ lot of good that did?) When I got the job that I have now? I found out why? The number ONE employeer in this country are family owned businesses that employ less than 100 people. (Actually most of them emply less than 50 ~ OK less than 20.) Where I work at? I work in a lab. The top lab manager ~ Top Dog has his daughter, his son, his grandson, his grandson's GF, his niece'susband (SOB doesn't do anything except take up space and air ) his first cousin, the plant manager's step-daughter (Complete air-head) working there. That's on that side of the lab. One of the guys that I work got the job because his Daddy use to run with the accounting manager back during their "Wild Hog" days back in the day. Another guy got the job because he was slaving away in the plant on third shift while earning his college degree. It was one of his co-workers (hard, sweating, mannual labor) that got in one of the lab techs faces while he was out at the plant? My point? Its not the newspapers that's going to find you a job? Its not the employment office that's going to find you a job? (What is it those people at the state employment office do anyway? Its NOT HELP YOU FIND A JOB?! ) Its your SOCIAL NETWORK! And the reason you can't find a job is because your away from friends and family ~ out of state ~ and you've not built up a social network. Go to church! If I were out of work? I'd join five or six of them and attend them on alternating Sunday's. Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, Luthern, ~ Hell it wouldn't matter. Hell I would join the Knights of Columbus and I'm not even Catholic! I would join the Son's of Union Veterans even though my great-great grandpappy fought for the otherside at Gettysburg. Bottom line? Its not just what you know? But who you know! The daughter of our "Big Boss" is a so called "Office Manager" making big bucks ~ when the truth of the matter is? She's just a data entry clerk that they had to hire two part time HS students to do to get the job done/ The first thing you need to do is get out there and build yourself a social network, then work on building your a 'fallback postion" and even then a position of last resort. The position of "last resort" is your worse case secerio. DH runs off with the OW, (As if you should be worried about that ~ most affairs are full of puff, fluff and smoke! He's on a fool's errand) You need to be thinking about what you would do and would have to do if the worse case secerio came about ~ and that's not about your DH running off with the OW. Its about putting a roof over your head, a ride under your @zz, food in your mouth, health care, dental care, clothes on your back. The OW is the least of your worries and troubles. Forget this bumb! Monkees conme and go! But there's no one monkey that makes a show! Someone leaves you! All that means is you've got to go and find yourself someone else and someone new! Someone who appreciates what they've left behind! Someone who appreciates what you've got and what you've got to offer. What your bringing to the table. What one will refuse? Another can certainly use! Your marriage may be or may not be over! But your Life isn't! Get busy living it! Get busy living your life! Or get yourself busy dying! You did just fine before you meet him, and your goinf to do just fine without him. You lived just fine before him! You laughed, you smiled, you enjoyed Life and all it had to give before you meet this @zzhat! And you will again! You enjoyed music, and danced to it! You celebrated Life and lived Life! Reclaim your life! I want you to feel good about Life! I want you to feel impowered about Life! No one person defines our lives ~ we define ourselves. Whatever we conceive? We can acheive! The possibilities are limitness! We need but believe. But the one single thing we need to belive in? Is in ourselves! Edited December 1, 2009 by Gunny376
luv2shop Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 My husband and I have been married 2 yrs. We moved to a new state a little over a year ago. It has been really tough on us emotionally, physically and financially. I couldn't find a job and fell into a depression. It wasn't too bad, I found a part time job making little money but it was something. Then my husband got laid off. The only job he could find was 2 hrs away and for 2 months he stayed in a hotel there during the week. We moved to the new city and again hitting the same problem - I can't find a job (I work administration). I really fell into a depression deeply. (within the year, car was repossessed, all credit cards defaulted and we lost our house to foreclosure in MD) I barely spoke to my husband, I ignored him (I realize all this now). he said i pushed him away and he felt abandoned. Well I busted him cheating with a woman he works with. I even acknowledged her that I knew what was going on and please back off my husband. She hasn't. He says he has an emotional attachment to her and feels bad he brought her into our mess. To say the least I also turned into pyscho wife. I hacked into his emails - but I have to say up until 2 months ago there were no secrets, hiding anything. I always had his password and we had always left our emails up and opened in front of each other. Well, this weekend he is out of town at his fathers funeral (which he is/was estranged from) and I went into his email and she had emailed a pictured of them together with his arms around her. (Taken on Thanksgiving day) I got so crazy about it, that I sent him the picture through his phone, went into his facebook (which once I busted them he wouldn't delete her) and I changed his profile picture to a picture of us together on our wedding day. He got so angry, he blocked me from facebook, changed all his passwords and sent me an email saying "Seriously, move on with your life". 4 hrs later when I saw the email, I emailed him back asking "Is this what you really want". 3 hours later he emailed back "yes". But yet he keeps texting me with little things about his father the last few days. I think he's just checking up on me. I am so heartbroken, I never thought this would happen to us. My question(s) is - Is my marriage really over? Is he really going to leave me? I know our marriage has been rocky and I have admitted, accepted and apologized for all my faults. But he hasn't yet. And now he wants to end it? The financial situation we are in, neither one of us can move out anytime soon. We are in a new city with no family or friends near by. hello.. i really understand and feeling what u are going through.. let me tell u something. im going through with the same thing as u are .. asking myself is this marriage really over? well ive been seperated 6 months already from being married 7 years and he was my first everything. we have a beautful daughter one year old together and split up when she was 5 months.. his mom lived with us .. lied financially and she lost her job so that meant when i was on my maternity leave i wasnt getting much neither was she. she got fired and so he was the only one paying for our rent.. how did he choose her over me.. being an only child she acted like a wife. i didnt feel like i needed to be there. she was involved with my decisions for my daughter.. that witch. so one nite when my daughter was crying he asked "why: and then he blew up . u know what im not happy.. i said the same thing.. so this was in march he gave me an ultinatum to decide if i want to continiue to work this out.. i said no.. in may i went to look for my apartment closer to my family ( thought they would help) i thought wrong.during that time he kept asking me if we can sit down and talk .. i said no.. i was confident i can live on my own and handle my daughter. the main reason becuz of his mama.. she wouldnt leave me alone .. telling me what to do. if she had somethign bad to say she would tell him.. the week came when i was about to move. we had to let go of tht house and i asked is it to late? i didnt continue anymore. when i moved alone. i was depressed crying emotionally physically lost my confidence.. lost my esteem for my life.we split when my daughter was 6 months old.. we missed her growing up together.. i felt sooo guilty and sooo alone.. i was working graveyad and thought about him.. thought about if he missed me read books my life is a roller coaster with no tracks.he cared in the beginning and then shoved me away one nite when i tried to put a smile on his face. i said forget it.. im not a women on the street .. im his wife.i went to church .. prayed and a blessing came that my daughter was the only thing that i knew loved me..i wanted to commit suicide .. but i thought about my bb and she needs me for a long time.. when we see each other to give him time for her we dont say anythin. i thought back then this would be solved by now. its been 7 months and im still dwelling on him. he texts me about my bb and says all these things.. rotten things. i do the same. but i need to stop saying rotten things to him. it will lead mowhere.ive ased he wants to work this out.he doesnt respond and he knows i still love him.. isince i moved on my own . ive been having body aches all over everyday i am taking motrin and im 30.. im still young. stress builds up and my neck hurts .. financially im struggling. i have a car under his mmoms name. i cant even pay for my car .. ;( im sooo devastated. my 2 family members passed away . my grandma passed away and i was soooo depreseed until now im still depressed.. i know this is normal. if he stil loved me he would still do somehing rite.. but hes a complte jerk . is he just ebeing this way to pretend he strong.. im soo sad and holidays are coming have no spirit
hopesndreams Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Is my marriage really over? Is he really going to leave me? He has already left, even though you are both still living together. The question you need to ask yourself is, is it worth the bother of trying to get him back? You will not see it now because your emotions are all over the place, and rightly so, but the answer, you will one day find, is no. Only 2 years into the M and he is looking elsewhere. He started checking out when the problems started. Instead of supporting you at your time of need he selfishly sought out another. Your gut told you this and you did right by snooping. It's good to know the enemy! Sadly, it will be a battle that may not be won, which goes back to the above, is it worth the heartache and abuse to continue fighting? No. Not if you are the only one fighting for the M. 3 days after finding the texts and 3 nights of arguing and both crying, we had a small breakthrough. We had wonderful sex. This is what's called hysterical bonding. Enjoy it for now but it will in no way solve the problems in the M. It's a welcome respite from the agony you are experiencing that he has inflicted on you. Do not blame yourself for his cheating ways. You didn't make him have an A. It was his choice, and his choice only. He needs to own it 100% and be completely transparent with you, otherwise, you are fighting a losing battle and the M is doomed. Do not kid yourself or believe the lies that this is an EA. He has known her far too long, works with her, the opportunities for sexual contact are there. They are 2 adults involved in deceit and they have strong physical needs that need to be met. Open your eyes to this and go get tested for STD's. He has shown you how much he really cares about you by putting your health at risk.
Author mikeldalene Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Wow! I wasn't expecting such great advice from everyone. Thank you so much! I'm glad I found this forum to help me get through this with everyone's support! I am sure as time goes by, I'll be posting my emotions here instead of showing them. Thanks so much!
FeelingLonely98 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Wow! I wasn't expecting such great advice from everyone. Thank you so much! I'm glad I found this forum to help me get through this with everyone's support! I am sure as time goes by, I'll be posting my emotions here instead of showing them. Thanks so much! Exactly what I told you in the first post above. Three things will get you thru this no matter the outcome: 1. A good support system - family, friends, etc. 2. MC or IC 3. LS. keep posting. PEACE!
bhgirl Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 FeelingLonely98 I don't blame myself for the state my marriage fell into, i just realized that I did play a role. No I am not making excuses of course affairs are never the answer to things that maybe lacking in a marriage with your spouse, but again we all play a role is what I was trying to get at. mikeldalene Being in the same household makes it tough, but do your best to keep your emotions in check and if you have to go out and do something. It really helped me to just hang out with good friends and be amongst people. We often get into a funk and depressive state and wind up not wanting to leave the house. You have just pick yourself up and try and do your best to continue living. If you are still in the same household you are better than me. My husband and completely left the house so at least he has not left yet. I know alot of advice is always to dump the cheater, but you have to do what is best for your situation. I do believe you can get past an affair, but things do have to change and counseling probably will need to be part of the equation.
Author mikeldalene Posted December 9, 2009 Author Posted December 9, 2009 OK, living in the same household has not been easy at all! His son and girlfriend are here till Sunday so in a way that has helped. Who knows how it will be once they leave. I took some of the advice...I don't ask him questions, I make myself attractive and have been constantly smiling. It works in some sense...I cannot lie, we've had really awesome sex that last 5 nights in a row. Each night he gets more affectionate towards me. But in the morning, it's like he's ice and very stand offish from me. And I know he is still in contact with the OW. All I know where my marriage stands right now - is he confused. He still swears to this day he hasn't slept with her, that it's an emotional attachment. I do know that she is separated from her husband and has 2 little kids. I have been applying for jobs like crazy as usual and actually had an interview yesterday. I thought it went well but it was a pre-screening process for a 2nd interview with the big boss. OK, my question to everyone is (it's long) - I know sleeping with him every night is not going to mend my marriage or return his heart to me, but my sex drive has been in overdrive. He still leaves for work in the morning at 7:30 and doesn't return home till 7, 8, 9pm. He says working, he does 3 different complexes throught the city and has to go to them all. He was called in on Sunday (but part of me thinks he was with her and not work). I want to move out, I can't live like this. When is he coming home?, Is he going to come home?, Is he with her/, etc... It's driving me insane. I will need his help to move, I do not want to move with friends. I would have to go back to MD for that. I want to tell him that I would like to move out for awhile while he figures out his confusion and decides what he wants. (And I know he may decide to just end the marriage) Would that be out of line and detrimental to any reconciliation possibility?
nobmagnet Posted December 9, 2009 Posted December 9, 2009 STOP STOP STOP. please I emplore you not to sleep with him again. I know you are getting comfort in the night but the morning????????????? its hard but sex is not the answer. (its good! ) but deffo not the answer. It will mess with your head and make you feel foggy and unclear where you stand.
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