Hiding my feelings deep inside - 2 years later

[Fluffsticle]

Hi,

 

Something has been on my mind for some time, if someone could help me please..

 

I was in a long term relationship for 7 years. My ex fiancé broke up with me almost 2 years ago. I was shocked to say the least as I'd never felt about anyone the way I did about him.

 

His reason for breaking up with me was because he wasn't happy, and he said he didn't love me. I wasn't the Girl he wanted to marry and he thought we should break up. I had changed over the years. The relationship consumed us and we were feeling trapped. I accepted this and we divided our stuff and I moved out.

 

About 1 month after the break up, he got some housemates to move into the house. About 1 month after that again he got together with the female housemate whom he is still with. It hurt a lot because we had met 7 years previous in a Student house where we both randomly moved into a house and hit it off immediately. So it seemed he was repeating history or comepletely replacing our memories with someone new.

 

About 6 months after the break up, my ex contacted me via email and asked how I was etc. Emails went back and forth and he wanted to meet up with me. I was answering questions from him and I didn't understand why he had contacted me and why he wanted to meet, so I wanted to be clear. He said he never stopped loving me. But we were unhappy and he had to push me away as I needed to get my life back and that's what would make us happy. He said he wanted to get to know me again, to see how I am to start from the beginning etc. I think his emotions ran away with him in the email.

 

So we met up that evening over a coffee, and we sat and talked for 2 hours. We were both shaking with nerves and excitement. It was so strange. Bearing in mind he was still with his Girlfriend and I was seeing someone too. His reason for contacting me while still with his Girlfriend he said was so I wouldn't say that he just wanted me because he was just lonely (which is what happened a few weeks after the break up).

 

Anyway, I needed to think about what I wanted. I didn't feel sparks when I met him, but he did. Was this because of all the hurt that had gone past, or was it because I felt nothing for him as I should have?

 

I was curious to see what he would do to win me back. As he had said to me that he knew what he wanted and he was willing to do anything to win me back. I had slight aprahension in my mind but I still loved him and he was always the one that I wanted to be with forever, he was the only one. So we talked a bit over the following few weeks. He got offered a job promotion and moved country. I left the decisions to him, and whatever happened if we wanted to be together we would be I thought.

 

The weeks went on and on and neither of us were breaking up with our other halves. I felt safe with my partner, and I guess he did too. There were no complications and it was easy. 7 weeks after he first contacted me, we had a telephone conversation and he said that he couldn'y do it. Going back with me would mean he would have to risk hurting me again if it didn't work out. He said he was scared that if it didn't work out that he would feel forced to stay in the relationship if he was unhappy again because he couldn't hurt me like that again. I was relieved and heartbroken all in one. As I couldn't tell if it would work the second time and I was scared taking the chance again. What was all this about? Was it that he just didn't want me, or like he said was it because he was scared of hurting me? I'm not clear. Any ideas/suggestions?

 

We didn't speak after that. I changed my number, he had a different number from moving country and I deleted it and luckily I didn't know this off by heart. I asked him to leave me to go and live my life and to accept whatever regret he may have. He respected that and said he never wanted to hurt me.

 

Recently he emailed me telling me he's going traveling with a friend and if I could tell him about the Vaccines we had when we went traveling. He said he kept contacting me as a last resort and that he hoped all was well with me and family etc etc. I ignored the email. Something inside doesn't believe that he was contacting me about the vaccines. Surely a last resort would be just go and get them all again and be safe?

 

Sometimes I'm guilty of reading into things too much. Is this one of those instances? Maybe he did just want to know about the vaccines? Or is it like the last time he emailed me?

 

I love him, but not like I used to love him. I can live without him. I am a strong person. But deep down I miss him so much. I am scared that he could have feelings for me, but perhaps he can't contact me because that means he could hurt me again. How is this a way to live your life?

 

I always swore I would never initiate any contact between us, and I never have. But I wonder is this the right thing to do too? Is he really in the wrong? In fact I think it has been the best thing for me the break up. I'm like a new Person. But I miss him every day.

 

Sorry about the long post and any advice would be brilliant...

Thanks

[Beeotch]

Wow...I can relate to this post so much. I will give a better response after I think about it, but reading it, I can relate in so many ways and have many of the same concerns, worries and questions.

[sean1970]

Sometimes I'm guilty of reading into things too much. Is this one of those instances? Maybe he did just want to know about the vaccines? Or is it like the last time he emailed me?

 

You google to learn about vaccines; you don't eMail the ex out of the blue. You have to assume that indeed it is like the last time.

[worldcavedin]

You google to learn about vaccines; you don't eMail the ex out of the blue. You have to assume that indeed it is like the last time.

 

Sean, how you feeling these days?

 

Hope that is not you with a picture of your ex in bed?

 

be strong

[sean1970]

Sean, how you feeling these days?

 

Hope that is not you with a picture of your ex in bed?

 

be strong

 

The pic is actually Jim Carey from Me, Myself, and Irene.

 

I had it pretty rough just before Thanksgiving. Was treated to seeing the ex in pictures with her new boyfriend. I was a basket case for a few days but better now. Seeing family, and oddly enough, helping my brother move that weekend helped.

 

Burried my cousin that died earlier in the month on Sunday. While the ceremony was difficult, family after was therapy.

 

Thanks for asking worldcavedin...

[Beeotch]

Posting my similar feeling and predicament from another thread....

 

Update

 

....well not that anything significant has happened, I guess just update on what has NOT happened and my feelings.

 

So about 2 weeks ago or so after intermittently appearing in my life and checking on me etc while with his rebound, my ex breaks up with her and informs me. Then later on tells me he misses me and he knows I might have hang-ups about hanging out with him and he knows he has to get me to trust him again and he has no problems with that and he knows he did lots wrong and he apologizes....then the next day he speaks to me on google chat, nothing important.

 

But pretty much since then he has NOT initiated anything substantial. I will admit that in my dreams I wanted him to magically realize his folly (not in terms of only me but the deeper issues within himself), magically be able to articulate every wrong he has done and that he gets how it affected me, magically acknowledge and articulate his deeper issues, magically confess his love and want for me in his life and magically decide to work on himself and our relationship and magically even go through romantic lengths and widths to make it up to me (romantic getaway, jewelry, making some changes on my terms, a dozen roses..all that jazz). I dreamed of all that occurring in ONE phone call (preferably the one in which he said he missed me) or at least within the same week. If that occurred then I would feel significantly more happy and less anxious and life would be beautiful right? I would get everything I want?

 

Even typing this...I can see where maybe there is a huge discrepancy between what I want and dream of and the way things actually work in reality. I love writing out my thoughts and feelings because I can really step back and see what is going on with me.

 

I think a big part of me is fully aware that my ex is NOT READY to approach me in any substantial way. I know his issues and it makes perfect sense that being one who tends to like easy street, he is not ready to put in the work for me or even himself. He is in what is known as the "contemplation stage" in the process of change...where you realize you have a problem, you realize you need to do something about it, you know what you would like but you are simply not ready to do anything about it yet. I knew this...when he spoke to me it felt exactly like that. EVERYTHING I have thought about my ex has come to pass....so I am not going to second guess myself on this matter.

 

The problem is....I don't give a shyt! Sometimes I hate being so understanding as sometimes being ignorant and unaware allows you to just act in irrational ways that atleast feel good for a while. I want what I want in my dreams....I do not want perhaps the reality of things which is...he is going to be ready in his own sweet time.

 

A big thing for me is that he has done soooooooooooooooooo much after our break up. Every single day I miss him and imagine our future IF he were to get on track but then they are clouded by angry thoughts and digust at everything else and just venom at the fact that he is still not ready to change and still doing the same ol' same ol'. I KNOWWW that change takes time, it is hard and it is very much a process and cannot be on MY terms therefore I can't be tooo too upset at him and atleast give him some credit (since his issues lead him to this fake arrogance) for atleast admitting certain faults and flaws, that probably was a lot for him...but I find myself thinking "So effing wat? Hooray for you! What about MY feelings????" I am also mad that he told me thank you for forgiving him when I SAID NOTHING about forgiving him .

 

 

*exhale*

 

I thought I would feel a lot of relief to have my feelings finally confirmed that this chick was a rebound (he has not even admitted that in those words, but skirted around it), that he in fact does miss me and can't replace me that easily and all that....BUT I DON'T! I feel more anxiety NOW than I did when everything was all based off my intuition and intelligent speculation. I guess it is because they did not happen how I want them to or the truth is...he has not addresses much of anything in a way to let me understand or atleast confess he is an idiot or anything.

 

When he occasionally popped up, clearly making random convo and randomly inviting himself to visit while he has a gf...it was funny to me. It was interesting to see him squirm ridiculously and make these ridiculous excuses to be in my presence while pretending it was something else. I lived my life and when those moments came around they were like entertainment for me BUT now...it is like his rebound is over and we're still not even on track for even working a normal friendship out...so it leaves me with anxiety and dread and fear. It leaves me waiting to see what he is going to do next, is this the end of the line forever, after all is said and done is he still full of empty promises, too lazy to change? Am I going to feel devastated that I still care for him and have to try to forget him all over? Am I going to end up hating him? Is he going to come with some lame reasons that will just infuriate me and make me realize I really DONT want him and then have to go on that journey to again move on?

 

Because in truth I felt I was waiting. Not consciously waiting for him to run back to me, but all my intuitions and feelings and the particulars of the situation made me realize that it was not completely the end and that he has digresses to be a fool bc of his issues....so while he had his rebound and did a bunch of BS...I said NOTHING to him because "I knew how the movie would end" is what I call it. I just had that feeling of knowing.....knowing that underneath all the facades, what was really occurring. So it is no surprise now that things have come to what they are....my fears are just trusting myself perhaps, because I do believe he needs a lot more time. I do believe he is not ready and in no way up[ to par to really step to me in any substantial way but I am scared to feel like I am waiting for him to be. I want to completely not care...and then IF he does get ready then he can reach me wherever I am at in life and I can see from there what we can do. But I don't want to be disappointed. I don't want to take 50 steps forward as I have done since we have broken up only to take 150 back by mentally and emotionally involving myself with him.

[Fluffsticle]

 

The problem is....I don't give a shyt! Sometimes I hate being so understanding

 

I know exactly what you mean. It's like all the while during the break up I understood how he felt. I took off my engagement ring and handed it back to him. We spent that night in seperate rooms. The next day I packed up and left. I understood where he was coming from. I never wanted him to be unhappy.

 

I also understood when he met someone that he had to do that like I did. I also understood when he got confused and thought he had falled in love with a friend of ours after the break up.

 

I always understand.

I am tired of understanding and feeling like something that I want is slipping through my fingers, and I'm ok with it because I want him to be happy.

 

All of my friends tell me that they can see how happy I am now that I have my own life back, my own friends, my own hobbies and intersts in life, and they ask me why did we break up again?! The answer is because we turned into one person and lost the People we were. That made us miserable inside. But now that reason for breaking up seems to be gone.

 

I am tired of understanding, but I don't know if I should contact him. I swore that because he initiated the break up, I never should initate contact or anything btween us, and I never have. But sometimes I don't know if this is the right thing to do or not. I want him to climb mountains to get me back. Have I pushed him too far by asking him to hold in his regrets and live with them, by changing my phone number, and as far as he knows blocking his emails. He doesn't know where I am living. He only knows where my parents live.

Have I made it too hard for him to come back to me, Even if he did want to come back?

 

After he spent 2 months trying to get back with me, and then he said he couldn't go back because it would mean he may have to hurt me again. I asked him to leave me alone to live my life, to meet someone else, and get married. I asked him to stick with his decision that he didn't want me one time, and to live with whatever regrets he may have. I was heartbroken again, but I knew that I was a strong person, and I needed to build on this.

 

Now.. I am a strong person, and although I feel that I will never find that love again. I can live without it. I can survive without him. I am happy. I am still able to love. But my heart is missing a piece.

 

I don't know if I should risk opening my heart to him again. Or if the ball is in his court to come back to me.... Or if it is just over, and better left buried...???

[Fluffsticle]

Bump this.

 

Can anyone see how this lies now? Should I contact him? Or is it up to him since I am the dumpee?

Is it one of those tragic cases where 2 People don't get back together out of stubborness?

 

I'm not sure what to make sense of anymore.

 

Or... is it better just left alone and buried? Would I be able to live on with that.

 

Sigh.....

[silic0ntoad]

I think you need to let it all go. The guy clearly isn't coming back. If he was, he would have dumped new girl straight away.

 

I know that's the last thing you would want to hear, but honestly, it's over... what else needs to happen now before you start to move on?

[Bobbe]

You only live once!

Ask yourself this: ten years from now, will you regret not talking to him? To see what would've happened?

 

It's been 2 years since the break-up, after so much time I don't think it matters who dumped who..

 

I asked him to leave me alone to live my life, to meet someone else, and get married. I asked him to stick with his decision that he didn't want me one time, and to live with whatever regrets he may have. I was heartbroken again, but I knew that I was a strong person, and I needed to build on this.

When you said this, the ball switched to your camp. If you want to talk to him, you have to make the first move.

 

It seems to me you want to do this but are just afraid to get hurt. Sometimes in life, you just have to take risks and jump in blindly imo.

 

When I read your story, it seemed to me you both want to get back together but are both afraid to get hurt or hurt the other person.

Edited December 2, 2009 by Bobbe

[Fluffsticle]

silic0ntoad I don't know what else needs to happen for me to move on. I am not hanging on for him. I am living my life and enjoying it. But I can't help but admit what my heart has been feeling. Yes he would have come running back if he wanted me. This is true, and he would have broken up with his Girl. But..... I too was seeing someone and even though in my heart I wanted him, I didn't break up with the Guy I was seeing. I was too scared. He was a good person, and I had to think sensibly. Perhaps I am making excuses for him on behalf of my heart. Thanks for your post.

 

Bobbe.... Yes I so want to believe that you can see that we both want to be together. It looks that way. But I'm scared that I am being biased, and am seeing what I would like to see.

 

Someone once said to me to take the leap and no matter how high it is a net will always appear to catch you. I believe this. But when I've mended the wound so much, it is very scary thinking about opening it back up again. Is it better to live in the dream that he does still love me, or maybe find out that he doesn't love me at all...

 

But do you think it was maybe just him having a bad few weeks when he came back and wanted me back, and perhaps he just didn't want me, and that it was all lies that he was afraid in case it didn't work out??

 

Maybe he doesn't want me at all, and he was just acting selfishly to see if I would take him back?

[Bobbe]

You know him best, do you think he would lie about something like that?

From what you told, it seems to me he's being honest and caring about you. Off course, this is all from your point of view. But you were with him for 7 years, you know him best. Do you think he can make stuff like that up? I don't know the guy, how could I know or any other person on this forum.. Only you can!

 

Personally, I think the only way for you to find closure is if you contact him and find out what he really wants. It's been 2 years! and you're still not over him. Just ask him. You can't go on like this, wondering 'what if' and constantly thinking it over. (I get that impression from your posts)

 

You get back together or he rejects you. Either way, you have your answer and can really move on.

 

Don't let your fears stop you, I've let my fears overtake me and I lost the girl of my dreams. Don't make the same mistake. If you believe he's worth it, then just go for it.

 

Just jump in the water! We will be here to help you back on shore if you start to drown!

Edited December 2, 2009 by Bobbe

[Fluffsticle]

The person I klnew would never lie like that. He was always honest with me and I don't think he would intentionally ever hurt me.

 

The flipside is. He has a girlfriend. Maybe he is happy now. Am I being disrespectful/selfish by throwing this at him?

 

Thanks Bobbe for your support, I'm not a very strong swimmer, so I might take you up on rescuing me!!. I want to follow my heart, but a part of me wonders if it's the right thing to do.

 

Thanks so much. Will keep you updated. Maybe I'll send him the link to this thread!!

Edited December 3, 2009 by Fluffsticle