pregnant, alone, bad breakup...will he come back?

[babs81]

Dear All,

 

Need advice on this problem. I am currently 21 wks pregnant. My partner has been on and off with me ever since finding out about the pregnancy. Didn't really take the news v well. I am 28, he is 49. Whenever we have had a break - he hangs out with female friends. We both work in the same place - its been a week now since the breakup and we were both supposed to attend a meeting today. I turned up but he didn't show nor did the other lady he sat beside in the last meeting. My mum works at my place too so I sat beside her but she even noticed too and just said nothing however I could sense that she felt so sorry for me. Last time I went to the meeting - we were on a break too, he was flirting with this woman right underneath my nose and I just managed to keep my composure and ignored it but he lingered in the hallway after and I just blanked him and walked past. That night he contacted me and wanted to get back. So we got back for a week till I saw he was doing all the s**t that led to the breakup in the first place. Today he didn't bother to attend at all. I wonder if the relationship is actually over this time and how can I get over him then if he has moved on SO quickly? why would he do that if he wanted a child so badly before. I never pencilled him in for bailing. I thought he was the 'reliable stay with the woman' type given his age. Why does he hate me so much to hurt me like this? He knows how bad my history has been i.e. I lost a child from neonatal death (severe brain damage sustained at the birth) 2 years ago so to give me this grief during pregnancy. I find it so unfair cos I am scared enough of a repeat. It gets worse. I recently got gardnerella (b.v) been on medication for the past week to overcome it. When we got back together last week. I didnt do it with him and I told him I wondered if I had caught this infection from him. He denied it as he had no symptoms. Anyway, I still demanded he get treated to but he just put canestan cream on his penis and I said its not just a yeast prob - its gardnerella - please take the flagyl antibiotic etc. He said he would but I dont know what he did in the end. What is making me upset is, is this an std? I know its debatable. I havent slept with anyone else. That is why I wondered if he gave it to me. I cant stomach to ask the other woman. The other woman is separating from her husband at the mo and has two kids with her husband so she looks v different to me. I'm trying to move on and forget him but instead have been pining for him for the past week. I don't want to be miserable as I know children have a way of sensing that. I need a distraction but my trust in all men is now totally shot and I wonder if I can ever overcome this. If he comes back I know I wont sleep with him until there is some trust again. But a day before the breakup we were so close so this breakup has come out of the blue. He told me its over and that he wont be back this time. He said it in anger. I tried to breakup with him first as he now tells me he cant see himself ever committing so my point was..well what is the point of me staying with you if this relationship is leading absolutely nowhere. Out of anger, he rang me the next day to tell me its over and I wont be coming back this time. He has kept his word for this entire week but cos we have had so many breakups and makeups..I didnt know if he meant it... and now well..how can I forget him when there is a baby inside me...the other men who have showed interest in me were a bit of a let down too cos I guess they feel confused over their feelings cos of the pregnancy. So will he be back? if he does come back how can this relationship ever be salvaged. The trust is shot and if I move on I cant stomach to be with anyone else which makes me impossible to get when I go on dates. I dont want to be dating when I am pregnant :-( so now I am just taking care of myself for the babys sake. So at least I havent neglected on the food front..

Edited November 30, 2009 by babs81

[Boundary Problem]

I assume you are keeping the baby because you didn't mention other alternatives.

 

So the second trimester you can be active.

 

But expect to be low energy during the third trimester, so if you will be single, you need to have all the baby gear organized during the second trimester. Plus consider child care issues, returning to work part-time etc.

 

 

To tell you the truth - no real time for a man at this point - assuming baby daddy has checked out. He might show more interest when the child is a few years old (out of the crying/diapers stage).

 

 

Maybe he'll come around, but doesn't sound too good.

[babs81]

Thanks yes - am keeping the baby and funny you write that cos he told me he is only good with children from about 3 yrs onwards. Yes am keeping the baby, I don't want this instability to stop it from having a great life. So at least I made a decision there. How does it not look too good with him staying in my life?? if he does decide to come back??? cheers.

[Vampire]

Things like this always get to me.

I was with my ex for 10 years and brought up her son as my own.

She always said we'd have kids, but we never did, due to the fact that she decided she didn't want any.

I feel at 37, I've lost my chance of being a dad.

 

And then you have guys who are responsible for getting a woman pregnant, but then wimp out and want nothing to do with either.

It sickens me as some of guys would die to have that family.

 

Dunno what to say Babs. I just really hope your situation improves and he lives up to his responsibility, otherwise you and mini-Babs are the priority.

[babs81]

Thanks Vampire and hope my story did not cause you pain or upset. Yes I hope he becomes interested again and well I don't think you lost your chance at raising your child. Stay positive - perhaps tell the woman in question if possible that you really want to take up this role. Am sure you can come up to some sort of agreement. Its only fair to both of you anyway...

[Vampire]

I wish it were that that easy Babs.

We split up back in June. Yesterday, it was exactly 5 months.

Now I feel as if I'll never meet another woman that'll make me feel like she did.

 

Here's my story.

[babs81]

Don't worry...I am sure you will but I know totally what you are getting at. Its like a raw connection cos of the fact you made a child together. In your case, you still can be a dad...in fact up until you are 75! Anyway...the feeling is horrible after a breakup. It suddenly causes you this horrible blockage when you try to get over the person...cos you feel you have failed in every way...and no-one ever likes to admit that. If you ever want to talk: [email protected] you can mail me if you like...but yeah..been trying to get over him tonight. He is good at ignoring! I give him that. I thankfully havent bothered but its not really what I want to do either. My best friend spotted him staring at a lake so I don't know.

Edited November 30, 2009 by babs81

[Vampire]

It's the ignoring I never understood.

I absolutely hate that feeling of indifference.

How do you go from being such an important part of their life, to a nothing?

 

Thanks for the offer Babs. I'll take you up on that.

[TheLoneSock]

He wants out. If he really cared about you, there would be no breaks, no other women, and no other BS. He's 49, I would have thought he'd be man enough by now to be able to step up to the plate - he's acting like a 22 year guy who's scared and just wants out of the situation. In other words, don't count on him, and don't wait on him at all.

 

If keeping it is something you want, don't let him discourage you from it. My advice is start getting your legal affairs in order now, know what it is you'll have to do in order to secure child support and anything else you'll be eligible to get from him.

 

I hate to throw another guy under the bus like this, because I know it would be scary. But he's 49 - he's not a little boy anymore. With you and you alone in mind, and If he isn't going to man up and step up to the plate, my advice is do what you want regardless of what he says - and get what ever you can out of him. If he's going to pussy out of the situation, fine, but he'll still have financial obligations to you.

 

If he wants to make it work, fine, but don't let him dissuade you from what you want to do, and don't let him talk you out of persuing funds from him. Get yourself taken care of first, if he still wants to work it out after the civil affairs great, if not, then you'll already have that stuff taken care of.

 

If he is not present for the birth, the hospital staff is going to ask you for a name (of the father), and they won't let you leave the hospital in most cases until they have one. He IS responsible for part of or most of the hospital bills, and the hospital will find a way to collect. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst, learn your rights and learn the laws of your state.

[babs81]

Thank you to both of you. I do agree his behaviour is a bit strange and certainly not acceptable. I just wish I would stop pining. He took a long break from me when he first found out but he never stayed away for longer then 3 days on average till he wanted to get back with me..so not sure why he is not bothering this time. I stupidly sent him an email yesterday explaining my feelings - but got no reply. I wasn't expecting a reply either. I basically said am OK with the breakup though am not really. I said that if he was to get back with me the issues have to be sorted out first and I outlined them all in order to help myself...but I just find this plain depressing. Thanks to write to me. You are all a great support.

Edited December 2, 2009 by babs81