He resented me because I had a miscarriage and left.

[cvalencia]

I've never used a forum in my life, but I feel the need to reach out to someone out there who is going through what I'm going through.

 

This is my story:

I met my husband when I was 13 in junior high. There was always a connection with him. He became a good friend - he was so funny and a fun person to hang with. We lost touch for the better part of our high school, but regained our friendship senior year when I had him in a class. He had grown eight inches and became attractive in my eyes. We became very close friends. One day, he tells me that he is in love with me, but I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship - I had been hurt before and I didn't feel ready to be with someone. He waited patiently for me, but he eventually wore me down. We had our first kiss during our senior prom. I knew that night that I was in love with him right back. We officially became an item two days before graduation and his 18th birthday.

And it was beautiful, the love we had. We couldn't stand to be apart. We were so in love, I felt like my heart would burst. We went to college together, and enjoyed each other immensely.

Around this time, my father left my mother, and it was just my mother and me at home. He was very protective of me and took care of me and my needs. I appreciated him so much for being there for me. Meanwhile, his father and him were not getting along, and he eventually dropped out of college to work full-time because his dad was not helping him out financially. Eventually, things got worse between them, and his father kicked him out of the house. My mother took him in with us. She loved him like a son - she helped him buy his first car by co-signing for him, since he was 20 and had no credit at the time. He lived with us for a few months. My mother, who is a Christian woman, felt that we should get married. He and I discussed this various times, and he said he was completely ready - that he loved me more than anything and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So he bought me a beautiful engagement ring. We got married in court and it was the happiest day of my life. He said the same thing. As we drove to Las Vegas on our honeymoon, he realized that we got married on the same day that he told me he loved me five years before - March 15. At the same time, he had lost his job, and my mom was helping us take care of things. I graduated college and got a job working as a teacher. He ended up getting a job as a phone operator. My mother moved out of the house and rented a place of her own. Everything was coming into play.

Throughout the course of our marriage, we had financial difficulties-we didn't make lots of money, but had acquired lots of debt. We lived paycheck to paycheck for a long time. Being young, we misspent money as well. But, he and I both got better jobs and things were slightly better, but still a little financially tight. I'm no saint - I love to shop. But always after the bills were paid. He ended up buying a nice sports car. Young and stupid.

Three years into our marriage, I had a miscarriage. The horrible feeling was indescribable. We had always said we didn't want children, at least not until we were financially stable and owned a house. But I knew at that point that I did want a child. He was not the easiest person to talk to. I felt that if I mentioned this, he would run for the hills. He had made it very clear that he didn't want kids. So we never talked about it. We just kept saying that we didn't want children.

As the years went on, I felt a disconnect from him. This past year, the disconnect was intense. We were hardly intimate, his kisses and hugs were not the same, and he never said "I love you" anymore. I made the excuse that it's because he had a new, stressful job that was far from home. Prior to this, he had lost another job and was out of work for 6 months. He was feeling down, but I tried to make him feel better. I told him that maybe this is a sign for him to go back to school and finish up, and I would support him somehow. We left it in God's hands. Thankfully, I was able to pay the bills and he got a little umemployment money as well. So when he got this new job, we were elated - it paid him more money and things would be good.

But deep down I knew better. A year before he left, we had a huge fight, and I asked him if he even loved me anymore, and he said he didn't know. We made up and he apologized for that, but I never forgot. I brought it up a few times later on when we would have bad arguments, and he kept telling me that he regretted saying those things to me. A month before we left, during an argument, he reveals to me that he resented me for having the miscarriage. That he just realized it at that moment. My heart sank. He resented me for something I had no control over. He proceeds to tell me that because of this resentment, he started to nitpick at my other "flaws" and he no longer wanted to be with me. I begged him to give us another chance, and he stayed.

We started saving up for a house, I was controlling my spending as much as possible, and I felt like we were moving forward. But one morning, after I talked about intimacy the night before, he said he was done. He no longer loved me and wanted to be on his own. He was tired of taking care of me and just wanted to be "selfish" and think of himself. This time, I didn't beg him to stay or argue. I let him leave.

I instantly thought it might another woman, but he has vehemently denied it. I still don't know. A month has passed, and I asked him to come over so that we can talk. I said I was willing to fight for our marriage. That we could start over again - maybe begin dating each other and get to know each other again. He doesn't want to. He's done with me. Now he is living with his father in his five-year old niece's bedroom on a mattress, but he says he's at peace with his decision.

In our recent conversations, he has been so callous, cold, almost evil. The things he has said to me were meant with malice. Meant to hurt me.

I can't believe this is the man that I loved, that I still love. He doesn't even look the same anymore. He's a stranger to me.

Even after everything he has said and done, I miss him. I miss my best friend. He and I always had something to talk about. Even when our marriage didn't seem like a marriage anymore, we always had something to talk about. We had become friends who were married.

Making things tougher is that I'm very close to his sister and niece. I'm his niece's godmother. I vowed to always be there for that little girl, and I want to keep my promise. He is also very close to my nephew, who is about our age. Our lives are so intertwined.

Now I'm left wanting a baby and a home with my husband. But he's gone. He's not coming back. The pain is unbearable.

People keep telling me that I deserve better than him, that I sold myself short when I got with him. They say I was better-looking, smarter, nicer, good heart. They tell me I'll find someone way better than him. But none of that makes me feel better. He's the one I wanted as my lifemate.

 

Forgive me for this long message. I felt I needed to let all of this out. There's so much more to be said. But at this point, it's not going to change anything.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

[trippi1432]

First, sorry to see you here.....but welcome to the boards. Secondly, this man resents you for having a miscarriage (totally beyond your control), yet he never wanted kids?? To me, that sounds like he wanted to find something to hurt you at your core.

 

Understandable that you miss him, or the him he used to be....but to me it sounds like you are much better off without him.

[cvalencia]

Thank you for your encouraging words. I know that, in the end, I am better off without him. He is not a good person anymore.

His leaving no longer bothers me. It's his words that have shaken me to the core. The viciousness behind them.

[Angel1111]

He probably feels like he has to be mean to you in order to break the connection with you. A lot of men do this. They can appear to be very cold but usually it kills them to hurt someone. I think it really, really hurts him to hurt you, but I also think he really wants out of the marriage. The two of you got together at a pretty young age, had a lot of responsibility and problems, and he probably is wishing he had done other things and had experienced more life. I think what he really meant about the baby is that he resents the fact that you got pregnant. I think he sees that as a betrayal. Maybe I'm wrong, but that makes more sense. Unless he thinks you did something to cause the miscarriage. I don't know. It's a strange thing to be angry with someone about unless there are underlying reasons.

 

There's not a lot you can or should do about this because if you coerce him into coming back to you, he will become restless again and not be happy. I think it's always good to listen to family and friends about relationships because they see things that we don't always see. If your family doesn't think much of him, then you might want to look at this as a good thing. It's an opportunity to start a new chapter in your life, to grow and become less dependent on others, and to find the new side of yourself. It's all about what you choose to do with it.

[cvalencia]

I think you're right. I don't want him back at this point. Too much has been said that can't be forgotten.

It doesn't even bother me that he's gone. I had felt him leave emotionally a long time ago. His words are what still ache.

As for the miscarriage, he told me that when I announced that I was pregnant, he was overwhelmed with joy and looking forward to having the baby, even though he was nervous because we weren't financially ready. When I lost the baby, he felt devestated. But he never told me. We never talked about it.

After he left and we had heated discussions, he did try to find blame in me for having lost the child. I couldn't believe he would say or think that.

We did get married young, but I felt completely ready. I never wanted to be out there in the dating/partying world. I think he has realized recently that he does want to party and "be selfish".

Thank you for your perspective.

[Angel1111]

Just because a person is single doesn't mean they have to be in the partying world. It's all what you choose to do. I think he just needs his freedom and needs to discover himself as a person. That's not something you or anyone else can do for him.

 

I think it's more important for you to focus on yourself. Yes, it's hard when relationships end but they always teach us something and always cause us to grow. You probably don't like hearing that right now but in hindsight, you'll look back and smile.

[cvalencia]

I think you're absolutely right - I will grow from this and learn from my mistakes. I appreciate your words. The worst part of my recovery will be getting over his words. But I have to forget about him and his cruel words and move on with my life. I have to learn that his words are just that: words. They don't define me, and I know I'm better than any insult he throws my way.

 

But sometimes, it's easier to say these things to myself than actually believe them.

[LisaUk]

Hi, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My thoughts? Marriage is tough, b/c life is tough. Life has it's ups and downs and so does marriage and pregnancy and birth and children and peoples health and debt etc etc.

 

It sounds to me like he is not grown up. Don't berate yourself for his choice to walk away, life is not always plain sailing and neither are relationships, it is remembering why you are with choose to be with your love in the first place that keeps commitment going.

 

You H has choosen to forget that, he needs to grow up, man up and take responsibility for his commitment to you and your marriage, unfortunately he doesn't appear to want to do this, preferring, like so many walk aways to desecrate you instead. Don't allow him to take your dignity, you are willing to work on your marriage, despite the fact that you too have been unhappy in it, if you can honour your commitment why shouldn't he? Just b/c you married young does not provide some automatic get out clause when he decides he wants out, to experience other things or whatever. That isn't how it should work and it isn't how life works either. I'm not advocating someone stay in a unfixable unhappy marriage, but you should try, with MC if needed before walking, otherwise what is the point of marrying someone in the first place?

[trippi1432]

I think you're absolutely right - I will grow from this and learn from my mistakes. I appreciate your words. The worst part of my recovery will be getting over his words. But I have to forget about him and his cruel words and move on with my life. I have to learn that his words are just that: words. They don't define me, and I know I'm better than any insult he throws my way.

 

But sometimes, it's easier to say these things to myself than actually believe them.

 

Hang around cvalencia, I have an entire text thread that I might post from my STBXH, might even be things you've heard before. I don't know....for some reason today...they were just words on a screen.

[cvalencia]

Hi, I'm so sorry for what you are going through. My thoughts? Marriage is tough, b/c life is tough. Life has it's ups and downs and so does marriage and pregnancy and birth and children and peoples health and debt etc etc.

 

It sounds to me like he is not grown up. Don't berate yourself for his choice to walk away, life is not always plain sailing and neither are relationships, it is remembering why you are with choose to be with your love in the first place that keeps commitment going.

 

You H has choosen to forget that, he needs to grow up, man up and take responsibility for his commitment to you and your marriage, unfortunately he doesn't appear to want to do this, preferring, like so many walk aways to desecrate you instead. Don't allow him to take your dignity, you are willing to work on your marriage, despite the fact that you too have been unhappy in it, if you can honour your commitment why shouldn't he? Just b/c you married young does not provide some automatic get out clause when he decides he wants out, to experience other things or whatever. That isn't how it should work and it isn't how life works either. I'm not advocating someone stay in a unfixable unhappy marriage, but you should try, with MC if needed before walking, otherwise what is the point of marrying someone in the first place?

 

 

Thank you for your words, Lisa.

He refused to get MC or any kind of counseling. He feels that all they will do is judge him and take his money. He says he wants to deal with his problems on his own. I wish more people thought like you and me, who believe that when you make a commitment, you should stick to it and work things out, no matter how hard they may be. He just didn't want to try anymore. He said he no longer loved me. In a way, I can understand people falling out of love with someone. I could have respected that. It would have still hurt, but the healing would be easier. It's the horrible things that he has told me that have scarred me deeply. He knew exactly what my weaknesses are and he attacked them all.

I can't believe someone I love so much and who once loved me back can be so cruel. I sometimes wish I could be the same way, so I wouldn't have to feel the pain. But I'm a better person than him. So in the end, I'm glad that I still feel. It means that I'm still a decent human being.

 

Thanks again for your kind words.

[cvalencia]

Hang around cvalencia, I have an entire text thread that I might post from my STBXH, might even be things you've heard before. I don't know....for some reason today...they were just words on a screen.

 

Thank you so much. I'll be hanging around. I'd like to see the text thread.

[Tayla]

May I say how much strength you have to come here. It takes alot to share such a saga. It seems that you genuinely know what love is.

 

Tis the persons ACTIONS that tell the tale, not the words so much. In time you will come to understand the signs were there from both of you . 80% of the time , its a 50-50 contribution to the relationship going south. Your miscarriage falls under the 20% that is NO one faults, dispite the after effects it can have on the partners. Since you didnt *share* your side of the heartache or how you felt, maybe you mourn in a different manner then he does. Either way I didnt hear that you both grieved together on such a loss.

That loss might have created the wedge, and I am soo sorry to hear such....

 

Stick to your guns, while he may not want a marriage counselor, he probably needs one though! Get yourself to a counselor , they really are amazing ! I used a Lady support group thru my church (and we werent all saints in our marriages we'd come to find out). But the point was, it was a support place that centered on establishing a new life . I wish you well in discovering yours!

[cvalencia]

May I say how much strength you have to come here. It takes alot to share such a saga. It seems that you genuinely know what love is.

 

Tis the persons ACTIONS that tell the tale, not the words so much. In time you will come to understand the signs were there from both of you . 80% of the time , its a 50-50 contribution to the relationship going south. Your miscarriage falls under the 20% that is NO one faults, dispite the after effects it can have on the partners. Since you didnt *share* your side of the heartache or how you felt, maybe you mourn in a different manner then he does. Either way I didnt hear that you both grieved together on such a loss.

That loss might have created the wedge, and I am soo sorry to hear such....

 

Stick to your guns, while he may not want a marriage counselor, he probably needs one though! Get yourself to a counselor , they really are amazing ! I used a Lady support group thru my church (and we werent all saints in our marriages we'd come to find out). But the point was, it was a support place that centered on establishing a new life . I wish you well in discovering yours!

 

 

Thank you so much for your encouraging words, Tayla. I am going to a counselor, and she's been very helpful. I am also going to start going to a divorce support group at my church, which begins in January. As for him, I lost all hope that he'll ever try counseling, either with me or by himself. But I have to worry about me now.

My hopes is that I feel better about myself, and that I realize that his words don't define me. It's so hard though, when he shook me to the core. He knew all the things to say that would destroy me.

I can't let him, though. I'm trying to move on from his words. It's so hard when there's still love in my heart for him.