cvalencia Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I've never used a forum in my life, but I feel the need to reach out to someone out there who is going through what I'm going through. This is my story: I met my husband when I was 13 in junior high. There was always a connection with him. He became a good friend - he was so funny and a fun person to hang with. We lost touch for the better part of our high school, but regained our friendship senior year when I had him in a class. He had grown eight inches and became attractive in my eyes. We became very close friends. One day, he tells me that he is in love with me, but I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship - I had been hurt before and I didn't feel ready to be with someone. He waited patiently for me, but he eventually wore me down. We had our first kiss during our senior prom. I knew that night that I was in love with him right back. We officially became an item two days before graduation and his 18th birthday. And it was beautiful, the love we had. We couldn't stand to be apart. We were so in love, I felt like my heart would burst. We went to college together, and enjoyed each other immensely. Around this time, my father left my mother, and it was just my mother and me at home. He was very protective of me and took care of me and my needs. I appreciated him so much for being there for me. Meanwhile, his father and him were not getting along, and he eventually dropped out of college to work full-time because his dad was not helping him out financially. Eventually, things got worse between them, and his father kicked him out of the house. My mother took him in with us. She loved him like a son - she helped him buy his first car by co-signing for him, since he was 20 and had no credit at the time. He lived with us for a few months. My mother, who is a Christian woman, felt that we should get married. He and I discussed this various times, and he said he was completely ready - that he loved me more than anything and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. So he bought me a beautiful engagement ring. We got married in court and it was the happiest day of my life. He said the same thing. As we drove to Las Vegas on our honeymoon, he realized that we got married on the same day that he told me he loved me five years before - March 15. At the same time, he had lost his job, and my mom was helping us take care of things. I graduated college and got a job working as a teacher. He ended up getting a job as a phone operator. My mother moved out of the house and rented a place of her own. Everything was coming into play. Throughout the course of our marriage, we had financial difficulties-we didn't make lots of money, but had acquired lots of debt. We lived paycheck to paycheck for a long time. Being young, we misspent money as well. But, he and I both got better jobs and things were slightly better, but still a little financially tight. I'm no saint - I love to shop. But always after the bills were paid. He ended up buying a nice sports car. Young and stupid. Three years into our marriage, I had a miscarriage. The horrible feeling was indescribable. We had always said we didn't want children, at least not until we were financially stable and owned a house. But I knew at that point that I did want a child. He was not the easiest person to talk to. I felt that if I mentioned this, he would run for the hills. He had made it very clear that he didn't want kids. So we never talked about it. We just kept saying that we didn't want children. As the years went on, I felt a disconnect from him. This past year, the disconnect was intense. We were hardly intimate, his kisses and hugs were not the same, and he never said "I love you" anymore. I made the excuse that it's because he had a new, stressful job that was far from home. But deep down I knew better. A year before he left, we had a huge fight, and I asked him if he even loved me anymore, and he said he didn't know. We made up and he apologized for that, but I never forgot. I brought it up a few times later on when we would have bad arguments, and he kept telling me that he regretted saying those things to me. A month before we left, during an argument, he reveals to me that he resented me for having the miscarriage. That he just realized it at that moment. My heart sank. He resented me for something I had no control over. He proceeds to tell me that because of this resentment, he started to nitpick at my other "flaws" and he no longer wanted to be with me. I begged him to give us another chance, and he stayed. We started saving up for a house, I was controlling my spending as much possible, and I felt like we were moving forward. But one morning, after I talked about intimacy the night before, he said he was done. He no longer loved me and wanted to be on his own. He was tired of taking care of me and just wanted to be "selfish" and think of himself. This time, I didn't beg him to stay or argue. I let him leave. I instantly thought it might another woman, but he has vehemently denied it. I still don't know. A month has passed, and I asked him to come over so that we can talk. I said I was willing to fight for our marriage. That we could start over again - maybe begin dating each other and get to know each other again. He doesn't want to. He's done with me. Now he is living with his father in his five-year old niece's bedroom on a mattress, but he says he's at peace with his decision. In our last conversations, he has been so callous, cold, almost evil. The things he has said to me were meant with malice. Meant to hurt me. I can't believe this is the man that I loved, that I still love. He doesn't even look the same anymore. He's a stranger to me. Making things tougher is that I'm very close to his sister and niece. I'm his niece's godmother. I vowed to always be there for that little girl, and I want to keep my promise. He is also very close to my nephew, who is about our age. Our lives are so intertwined. Now I'm left wanting a baby and a home with my husband. But he's gone.
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