DenverBachelor Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 (edited) I see a lot of people in here trying to come to figure out why the relationship failed. Relationships progress through five major stages and one of those stages is the power-struggle phase. This is where most breakups and divorces occur. I've noticed a lot of good people with huge hearts post countless messages trying to ascertain what went wrong and what it was that they contributed to the breakup. Let me just step back for a minute and suggest another alternative. If the breakup occurred during a long-term relationship, you were probably already in the power-struggle phase. You had a front-row seat to all the petty arguments, miscommunication, dealing with life's stresses and trying to grow the relationship while external stressful events were also compounding the problem. Had it ever occurred to you that you were just a stronger and more mature person than your ex? Have you ever considered that your light is bright and just blinded your ex? During my relationship with my ex, there were moments that I thought of breaking up. There were moments where I fell out of attraction to her. There were moments when dealing with her depression that I felt an enormous burden and questioned the relationship. But a voice deep inside my head said, "you don't give up, you don't back down -- you push forward and grow. This is where the **** gets thick." I went deep into my heart and asked myself, "Do I love this woman and want to spend my life with her despite all of this?" My heart said, "YES." My grandmother told me something I will never forget. She dated a lot as a young woman and she learned as she got older that relationships always follow similar patterns. There comes a time when things become amazingly complex and burdensome for both. That's when characters are tested and when TWO people both need to fight through it together to get to the stabilization stage. I often had talks with my ex about the true nature of love and just how deep the depths of love would go. I asked her, "If I became paralysed, would you stay at my side?" That's why I believe marriage is the ultimate commitment and I cringe when I see people get divorced. There comes a point where you just make an oath to stick through the worst with someone. That's the ultimate pinnacle of absolute love -- and I see around less than 1% of people are capable of that magnitude of love. On one hand we are all animals and ruled by chemicals. However, the human element is placed on top of that. We have a choice to rise above being directed by chemicals and making a conscious choice to stick it out. And that decision is sometimes a HARD one to make. I see a lot of people on here who I believe have the capability to reach that level of love. The light in your soul is extremely bright. Call it what you will -- perhaps you're more spiritually evolved -- perhaps you see through the chemicals .... whatever it is, you were in the same point in time as your ex and they ended it. It's a lot easier to go back to a new relationship and get another rush of chemicals than to build upon that magical light that keeps two souls tied through eternity. Imagine yourself as a being of light. When she or he left you, your light dimmed because you were going through a lot of spiritual pain. Your heart, mind, body and soul all went out of sync at the same moment. You have to keep one thing in mind, though. Life is a journey and although our light will dim, it never fades completely. Sometimes blackness envelops us as we try to fight through the most difficult moments. The one thing you have to do is be strong and reignite that intense passion in your soul. You see, love is a beautiful thing. Love has caused civilizations to rise and fall. Love has caused people to jump on a live grenade to save their friends. I don't believe that love is merely chemical. The sensations of sexuality are chemical in nature -- but true love is the added human component. Too many relationships are based solely on chemicals. The deepest and strongest aspects of love often never get a chance to ignite. Most people are either too afraid, scared of themselves, scared of the world or repressed in some fashion. However, I realized something astounding. I realized that I would have stuck by her side through anything. Nothing would have caused me to leave her, because I felt that light ignite with the heat of a thousand stars deep in my soul. It was then that I realized that I can't fault her for leaving. I can't blame her for the choice she made. What I realized was a bigger learning experience for myself. I have the capacity to give ultimate love to someone. I also saw the light in my ex -- and that is what makes breaking up so hard. You can see that light, but they just can't get over some hurdle. So in essence, you need to push forward in life knowing you have this amazing gift and realize you're in a place a little different than your ex. You have a blinding light that he or she just couldn't understand and it blinded their heart and mind. What I do know is that my experiences with her only made me a better person -- and now my light is even brighter. I know now how difficult things can get and how much stronger I am than the most difficult challenges. Edited November 30, 2009 by DenverBachelor
USMCHokie Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 However, I realized something astounding. I realized that I would have stuck by her side through anything. Nothing would have caused me to leave her, because I felt that light ignite with the heat of a thousand stars deep in my soul. It was then that I realized that I can't fault her for leaving. I can't blame her for the choice she made. What I realized was a bigger learning experience for myself. I have the capacity to give ultimate love to someone. I also saw the light in my ex -- and that is what makes breaking up so hard. You can see that light, but they just can't get over some hurdle. So in essence, you need to push forward in life knowing you have this amazing gift and realize you're in a place a little different than your ex. You have a blinding light that he or she just couldn't understand and it blinded their heart and mind. I like this...it took me a while to understand that a relationship has number of factors which all must be present...you can truly feel that a person is right for you, but if the time isn't right for them to be with someone, there can be no truly lasting relationship...it's up to you to carry on that torch and find someone who is ready and deserving to accept your love... Another fantastic read. A lot of excellent points made. Thanks, Denver. Your posts really help...
redplanet Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 What an extraordinary post denverbachelor. This makes complete sense to me. Thankyou for your lovely insight.
nobmagnet Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 again you have written an uplifting and balanced thread. Thank you with all my heart.
JaggedRoad Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I'm having a great day, and this post just made it better =)
Template Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 During my relationship with my ex, there were moments that I thought of breaking up. There were moments where I fell out of attraction to her. There were moments when dealing with her depression that I felt an enormous burden and questioned the relationship. But a voice deep inside my head said, "you don't give up, you don't back down -- you push forward and grow. This is where the **** gets thick." I went deep into my heart and asked myself, "Do I love this woman and want to spend my life with her despite all of this?" My heart said, "YES." Wow dude, was there a movie on my life, and you saw this chapter of it?!? This is written with excellence, thank you for writing it. In this day and age of break ups and divorce, a lot of people think of relationships as disposable commodities - Use one until you get tired, and throw it away. I can tell you are 1 of the 1% that's not like that. I used to be, and maybe one day I'll get back to that exclusive club.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Wonderful post DB! I would have done anything for my ex, I still would, well as far as humanly (sp) possible! I don't think he knew that though as I was so wrapped up in my own world. Earlier this year I said to him would you say you're still in love with me and he thought for a few seconds and said maybe not IN love but I love you, it's gone into a deeper bond now. But he still left a few months later
Art_Critic Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Had it ever occurred to you that you were just a stronger and more mature person than your ex? Have you ever considered that your light is bright and just blinded your ex? Why can't a breakup just happen ?.. Why can't two people just not be right for one another ? Must it be broken down to the level of who was better than the other or more mature than the other ? I like what your Grandmother had said about relationships falling into patterns.. that is true and she was wise.. Good Post DB... It sounds like you are on your way to healing..
Recommended Posts