thegreatmoose Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 (edited) I hear you but you manage to get women to go out with you even for a first date, it's a LOT more than a lot of guys out there. Trust me! Maybe? what do you think you are doing and what kinds of things do you talk about? How do you think you come across on paper vs in person? Really take a hard look at those things. Are your pictures misleading at all? Are you shy? How do these dates end? Can you tell if these women are bothered to be there in any way? At what point does the date turn into something uncomfortable basically. All things you do need to analyze to see your patterns. We can all pretty much know that. I'll tell you some of the things that would turn me off on dates that were going well and this is not limited to online dating: - no edge to them in person, they were nice guys but just lacked that worldly sophistication, street smarts and wit that I am generally attracted to (sexual spark) - signs of immaturity or midlife crisis (men in their 30s should not be going through midlife crisis) last girlfriend was half his age and it was right after his divorce - if they were too enthusiastic about me without me showing real signs that I was interested, already talking as if we were a couple and making plans ahead wanting to rush into a relationship, making plans when I had not agree to a second date yet - sings of emotional baggage from past relationships - not very funny and on the serious side. not getting my sense of humor and vice versa - signs of chronic instability in their life which also equaled saying misleading things on their profile (instant turn-off) Sometimes we do nothing at all, the connection is just not there greatmoose! I'm not at all myself on first dates or first meetings with people. I have a lot of trouble opening up to strangers. My pictures are recent from 2009 and accurate. No one has ever said anything at least. I try hard to dress well and take a shower right before the date, but I'm not an expert and probably make some mistakes there. I tend ask about mundane "safe" topics on first dates. I'll ask about their job or where they like to travel. I might ask about their families, but they sometimes don't want to share. I really don't know what I'm doing and it shows. It seems like they often put up a shell around them that I have no idea how to get through. Sometimes they get easily distracted and even talk to someone at the next table for a couple of minutes. Some seem ok about being there and some seem to not like being there. None has ever been anything close to excited about being there. The dates usually end when she says she has to go. Almost half the time she tells me that she meets large numbers of people online in the few minutes before she says she has to go. The date gets very uncomfortable for me if she asks about my past or asks questions like what I'm doing with friends over the weekend if I have no plans. I don't have a large number of friends and the people I date seem to have a lot. I can be an all or nothing type of person. I get passionate about things and people and there's "no take it leave it". I'm prone to show either too much enthusiasm or none at all. I have trouble showing "just the right amount" and have gotten in trouble on both ends on this. I have emotional baggage from the anger of having not enough relationship experience. I don't want to go into any more specifics about my past in the public forum, but I can safely say most men my age have a lot more experince. I don't show much of my sense of humor when I first meet someone. Again, I've offended people by what seemed like relatively tame jokes. I feel I need to know what is acceptable to them. What is funny to one person will make the next person get up from the table and leave. In none of these dates, have I felt it was ok to touch them at all during the date. I hugged some at the end and most were ok, but 1 or 2 seemed uncomfortable that I did that. They don't feel like dates and that is what is so troubling. I go from a date to meeting with friends and I loosen up, gain confience and start having fun. I know a good date should be better than being with friends. I seem to turn people off and I don't know if there's a quick fix. This link certainly provides some insight, but I don't know how to fix this. http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/datingtips/print88133/dating-101-guys-who-dont-get-the-2nd-date;_ylt=Am3JPjSObx12d5ZNMEhYOmi4.69_ I don't want to grow old alone. Even though I'm still in my 30s, the fear of that can be severe. Edited December 1, 2009 by thegreatmoose
thegreatmoose Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Well, it appears this thread has turn into just a chat between to people. lol Sorry about that. I'll end it.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Good article, I agree with all of it, even mentioned some things here exactly the same. OMG!! my guy did a few of the things that are mentioned in that article that turn women off!! Wow you can actually read about the concerns I had with my relationship early on. I came to this site asking about how to handle him since he was coming on very strong and it scared the crap out of me. Even made me feel like I was getting turned off by him. At any rate, don't want to make b52s peeved, so we should take this topic to private conversation. Thought our comments were on the original topic but I guess not?!?! Just gonna say two things and then I'll stop. Greatmoose, sounds like you are doing typical things on the date nothing stood out aside from the not being yourself and not using humor. Maybe women can sense you get insecure and uncomfortable? Problem with online dating is that people view that first meeting as a date, and really it's not a date if you think about it. It is the first time you are meeting so view it as you would how you act when you first meet someone in a social setting, it's not a date, it's just the first time you meet. THEN you make plans for a date if there is a connection there. Same thing here.
Author b52s Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 The thing is, at least what I've noticed with women, they aren't settling if they decide to go with someone who is balding or shorter....or whatever the case may be. The thing is, whatever men that email them, they probably would be attracted enough to date that person, but in their mind, they're thinking they could do BETTER than that, and keep on with that cycle. Just GOOGLE, "The Husband Store" and you'll get my meaning.
jw90063 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 With all this talk about online dating from these dating sites in these past few threads.....over the years I've done online dating. (I've been doing less of it lately). I have noticed, that I am seeing the same faces on these dating sites? The same women on all the sites....everytime I do a search wtihin a 50 mile radius, I keep seeing the same women almos tall the time. LOL Most of whom I already emailed, and most of whom who did not respond. Kinda tells you (and should be telling them) that they've reached the end of their rope and there is a LIMITED amount of options in that 50 mile radius. Ever notice that? I know exactly what you mean. I have noticed this, along with getting crappy matches. Isn't online dating awesome.
D-Jam Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 LMeffinAO. So, if we're aren't finding a life partner that meets our criteria than we just have settle for less than! You HAVE to be kidding?? How about as an independent woman who doesn't NEED a man in my life I can make my own choices of what I would like to have in a man and make no compromise. Some of us are happy being single and don't have to settle for less than they want. I'd be appalled if a man did that to me. Settling for me because he couldn't get what he really wanted. Taking me rather than staying single!! What if "what you really want" doesn't exist? I can understand if a man or woman is dating around for years and hasn't met an ideal match yet. I can't understand if a man or woman has been single and alone for several years (but actively searching) and maybe goes on one date every few months while rejecting most of who comes along. Even then those few dates never make it to a second date. In my eyes they are holding on to such a heavy laundry list that they are being unrealistic. You can have "what you want" in your mind as much as you desire...but if that person isn't coming along or he does come along and doesn't want you...then you might want to ask yourself if "what you want" is realistic. why don't you lower your expectations a bit and learn to compromise? I agree with you here...but it's got to come from BOTH GENDERS. When I was single, I'd hear women say left and right how I needed to compromise, lower my expectations (when I didn't have a long list), etc. and they would say this to all men... ...but to other women it's the loud call of "NEVER SETTLE!!!" Not a personal attack on you, but more saying what I feel that if one's selection standards aren't bringing them results, then they are probably unrealistic standards. Frankly, if one is happy being alone and waiting for perfection, then that's fine with me. If they come out and complain though...acting like single folk are crap because they don't measure up to his/her standards, then they only have themselves to blame for their situation.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I agree with you here...but it's got to come from BOTH GENDERS. When I was single, I'd hear women say left and right how I needed to compromise, lower my expectations (when I didn't have a long list), etc. and they would say this to all men... ...but to other women it's the loud call of "NEVER SETTLE!!!" Not a personal attack on you, but more saying what I feel that if one's selection standards aren't bringing them results, then they are probably unrealistic standards. Frankly, if one is happy being alone and waiting for perfection, then that's fine with me. If they come out and complain though...acting like single folk are crap because they don't measure up to his/her standards, then they only have themselves to blame for their situation. But I am not the one complaining that I see the same faces online on many different sites! It doesn't move me how many of the same faces are on a particular site, nor was I one to swing from dating site to dating site hoping to find mr. right. I think I am entitled to stay true to my expectations because I am not complaining and I would have stayed single happily until I found my match! So I understand why people stick to their guns, and would never criticize others for staying perpetually single, if they have not found their match. The OP complains that it's always the same faces, well it's always their same face too, to the others. See the difference? My selection standards wasn't bringing me results either, until it did.
Left in a Lurch Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I am sure the women are saying the same thing because apparently the OP is on multiple sites too, looking through limited options. Kind of the pot calling the kettle black.
Ody Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 It works very well actually. If I hadn't had that philosophy then I would never have gotten to like caviar, black coffee, anal sex or Hershey's chocolate kisses. LMFAO. This is what I already do, though it takes me 15+ minutes to get something that sounds decent. I always have to think a bit before I'm happy with the message. I only send something if I like her profile. I have no idea where you got 3 hours from. How can that take over 15 minutes? Here, I will write such a message based on this thread: Hey Moose, Nice Profile. Yeah it really bugs me too when chicks delete messages without reading them. It just seems like they might be missing out on things, you know? How'd you get the nickname "moose" anyway - or do I not want to know! Talk to you soon, Ody There, that took about 60 seconds.
D-Jam Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 But I am not the one complaining that I see the same faces online on many different sites! It doesn't move me how many of the same faces are on a particular site, nor was I one to swing from dating site to dating site hoping to find mr. right. I think I am entitled to stay true to my expectations because I am not complaining and I would have stayed single happily until I found my match! So I understand why people stick to their guns, and would never criticize others for staying perpetually single, if they have not found their match. The OP complains that it's always the same faces, well it's always their same face too, to the others. See the difference? My selection standards wasn't bringing me results either, until it did. Understandable. Like I said, my comments were not aimed at you personally. I was more speaking of how many people who seemingly aren't finding Mr. or Ms Right that if it's been a long time and no one seems to fit the bill, then either don't complain and hold true to your standards, or sit and look deeply to see if the standards are a help or an obstacle. I read a book once called "Unhooked Generation"...totally opened up my eyes and I recommend it to everyone.
Author b52s Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 (edited) I am sure the women are saying the same thing because apparently the OP is on multiple sites too, looking through limited options. Kind of the pot calling the kettle black. Yeah, but I'm saying that I'm only dateless due to the fact those very women had not responded to my emails. lol And they could be passing up a decent opportunity to get to know someone over at least a cup of coffee, but hey, they don't even want to do that...and this goes for probably the other ton of men they shot down that had email them with the same geographic area. And they even complain about not finding anyone IN their own profiles sometimes. That makes them look bad. The Pot keeps getting overlooked. lol Edited December 1, 2009 by b52s
Left in a Lurch Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Yeah, but I'm saying that I'm only dateless due to the fact those very women had not responded to my emails. lol And they could be passing up a decent opportunity to get to know someone over at least a cup of coffee, but hey, they don't even want to do that...and this goes for probably the other ton of men they shot down that had email them with the same geographic area. And they even complain about not finding anyone IN their own profiles sometimes. That makes them look bad. The Pot keeps getting overlooked. lol I hear ya. I was just pointing out something ironic. I never thought of dating sites being helpful. You can say anything in a profile and who wouldn't make themselves sound better? My guess is it all comes down to whether or not they find your picture attractive, but it's not like they are going to say in their profile, "I am only looking for very good looking guys".
Author b52s Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I hear ya. I was just pointing out something ironic. I never thought of dating sites being helpful. You can say anything in a profile and who wouldn't make themselves sound better? My guess is it all comes down to whether or not they find your picture attractive, but it's not like they are going to say in their profile, "I am only looking for very good looking guys". Actually, I've seen something close, "I am looking for a funny, charming, and good-loooking guy" How in the heck am I suppose to know if I'm good looking?? Duh!!
D-Jam Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Only thing you can do with career dating site regulars is just ignore them, move on, roll your eyes, and realize they are the bunch that's seeking either what doesn't exist or what would never have them to begin with.
thegreatmoose Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 LMFAO. How can that take over 15 minutes? Here, I will write such a message based on this thread: Hey Moose, Nice Profile. Yeah it really bugs me too when chicks delete messages without reading them. It just seems like they might be missing out on things, you know? How'd you get the nickname "moose" anyway - or do I not want to know! Talk to you soon, Ody There, that took about 60 seconds. It's clear you and justforfun are more interested in getting a good laugh at my expense than posting anything useful. :rolleyes:
Ody Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 It's clear you and justforfun are more interested in getting a good laugh at my expense than posting anything useful. :rolleyes: I disagree. I think it's quite useful and don't see how that was was at your expense. That's actually very much the type of message I send on sites, maybe one or two more sentences. And I'm not complaining about lack of response. Here I will rephrase in well under 5 minutes: Howdy Ody, I see on your profile you like clowning on the internet! I've loved doing that since I was a child. It's really easy to make witty remarks when you can't see the people you are teasing. Great for a cheap ego boost! I've got a pet black bird for an avatar too, have you ever taken yours out on a leash? Good times, trust me... Checked out that link you posted - neat stuff. Reminds me of some of the articles I see on this site LoveShack that I think you'd like. Hope to hear back from you, Doppleganger Ody Yes, laughs are good. Keeps people in the thread. But I seriously think you should change your approach.
InspiredbyYou Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 It works very well actually. If I hadn't had that philosophy then I would never have gotten to like caviar, black coffee, anal sex or Hershey's chocolate kisses. Ya ok so you like it up the bum, and you eat more chocolate and drink uncut stimulants but how is that "if you don't like something the first time around do it again" theory working out for you in terms of dating men? The question was within context of what is being discussed in this thread. Does giving a man a second chance when you don't like him the first time around, turn into a solid relationship for you?
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