Same faces online on EVERY single site

[InspiredbyYou]

I feel chemistry with people around me in general, including friends. I don't see why chemistry shouldn't be important in a relationship. Otherwise I would question why I would want a relationship in the first place. Chemistry, on some level, seems important.

 

You know, I am the exact same way. Even with my friends I feel chemistry and we are "on the level"

 

People need that in a romantic relationship as well added to that the sexual component. Chemistry is very important!

 

This is what we all don't want to settle on.

 

 

The second date may well have gone better. She never gave him the chance. It very likely would have gone no better, but who knows.

 

I can't speak for others but in my own experience I have never EVER felt chemistry for someone after more than one date, when it wasn't there the first time I met them. Believe me I have tried. I even tried a relationship with someone that I felt wasn't right for me 100%. I pretty much felt it from the get-go and guess what (I feel horrible even saying this) I ended up breaking a really great guy's heart who probably hates me now, but I just could not live the lie. Never again will I do that to anyone. I would rather be alone.

 

Yet am not alone. According to what those women in the video said at 38yrs of age I should have thrown in the towel and settled because it won't get easier for me as I get older. BALONY! I may go as far as saying I may have found my true love for the first time in my life.....and I have been in love many times before.

 

 

 

Who knows. How many threads have you seen here by women saying the guy was perfect but I don't know why I wans't into him? I'm often the guy who looks good on paper who has repeatedly been rejected for no chemistry. I'm definitely uptight and often not myself on first dates. It's gotten to the point where I don't believe there is somebody for everybody.

 

That is because you cannot explain chemistry. It is so personal for each individual. Why do some people rub you the wrong way and others you could sit there and watch them speak and laugh at their jokes like there is no one else in the room that exists? I feel that way when I am out with friends even sometimes. We connect so well that we literally get lost in the moment. That's chemistry for you!

 

Someone could look great on paper and that magic doesn't happen when you are face to face. It's not about the way their abs look or the way their haircut looks, or their picture perfect smile it's about the whole sensory presentation we are either engaged by it or not.

 

 

See to me there are two kinds of people

 

 

1) Those who want to find true love

2) Those who want to be in a relationship above and beyond anything else

 

which kind are you?

[justforfun]

InspiredByYou

 

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by this 'chemistry'. It's a lot of old cobblers if you ask me.

 

I always say. Try it once. If you don't like it then try it again. You just might not have got it right the first time.

[justforfun]

And, wouldn't ya know. I was doing exactly that as I was posting on here. Exchanged a few funny messages on POF. Switched to Yahoo Messenger. More fun banter. Exchanged numbers and I'm going to meet him for coffee in an hour.

 

See, it worked for him and it worked for me. It can work for you to.

 

Keep coming back..it works if you work it! :lmao::lmao:

 

 

I'll tell you what I do.

 

I read the profile. If the guy sounds appealing to me then I just write a response to him. Off the cuff, ad lib like having a conversation. Depending on his come back then we go from there. If we are batting to and fro with comical, interesting, intriguing sh!*t then it's time to exchange numbers and meet up.

 

So stick your stock emails. Even if I read them I would just delete them. Be spontaneous. Be witty. Add some zing, some spark. Cus that delete button is just a swish of the wrist away..

[thegreatmoose]

Nope. I'm not wasting my time. I'm not even reading their emails. They are the ones wasting their time.

 

I'm not sitting there waiting for them to make the first move. I get on there and send out those messages just as much as you probably. But then I'm not 'most women'. I wouldn't even profess to know what 'most women' want.

 

You're sounding a bit pathetic now though.

How many men can read minds of women that they've never even met? If I know she would say no, of course, I'd not send her an email. I don't know that do I write a nice email.

 

You are wasting THEIR time by deleting it without even reading a word of what they have to say. I just can't fathom doing that to a woman who would email me. I won't reply if I'm not interested. Now if the title of the email is inappropriate, they had it coming to them.

 

Surely you know that usually men initiate the contact. I personally don't care who does, but I know very few women send out the first email. I kind of like that you are a woman that does that. I'd respond if I liked your email and profile. If not, I'd delete it.

 

Maybe I am patehtic. A couple people on here seem to think I have no chance with any woman, while others think I'm a good catch.

[Ody]

How many men can read minds of women that they've never even met? If I know she would say no, of course, I'd not send her an email. I don't know that do I write a nice email.

 

You are wasting THEIR time by deleting it without even reading a word of what they have to say.

 

You are actually wasting your own time analyzing it this much. Here:

 

Step 1. If you like the pics and interests, write a quick email mentioning one or two things about the profile and include a clever funny and relevant line if you can think of one. She may read it, and if she does she will look at your pics and interests and writing quality and decide if she wants to reply accordingly. A well written clever message may help somewhat but don't sweat it too much.

 

Step 2. Repeat, don't look back.

 

There I just saved you like 3 hours. Have at it.

[InspiredbyYou]

InspiredByYou

 

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by this 'chemistry'. It's a lot of old cobblers if you ask me.

 

I always say. Try it once. If you don't like it then try it again. You just might not have got it right the first time.

 

 

And how is that working out for you?

[thegreatmoose]

I can't speak for others but in my own experience I have never EVER felt chemistry for someone after more than one date, when it wasn't there the first time I met them. Believe me I have tried. I even tried a relationship with someone that I felt wasn't right for me 100%. I pretty much felt it from the get-go and guess what (I feel horrible even saying this) I ended up breaking a really great guy's heart who probably hates me now, but I just could not live the lie. Never again will I do that to anyone. I would rather be alone.

 

Yet am not alone. According to what those women in the video said at 38yrs of age I should have thrown in the towel and settled because it won't get easier for me as I get older. BALONY! I may go as far as saying I may have found my true love for the first time in my life.....and I have been in love many times before.

 

That is because you cannot explain chemistry. It is so personal for each individual. Why do some people rub you the wrong way and others you could sit there and watch them speak and laugh at their jokes like there is no one else in the room that exists? I feel that way when I am out with friends even sometimes. We connect so well that we literally get lost in the moment. That's chemistry for you!

 

Someone could look great on paper and that magic doesn't happen when you are face to face. It's not about the way their abs look or the way their haircut looks, or their picture perfect smile it's about the whole sensory presentation we are either engaged by it or not.

 

 

See to me there are two kinds of people

 

 

1) Those who want to find true love

2) Those who want to be in a relationship above and beyond anything else

 

which kind are you?

There's a huge gap between a 2nd or 3rd date and dating someone you don't like for months. If there's awkwardness on a 1st date, but you start feeling more and more passion on subsequent dates it may well work out.

 

My experience has been if I make even a little mistake with a woman, there are no second chances. If I don't answer the phone correctly or take too long to ask her out, I won't have another go at it. It seems that people expect perfection and as much as I want to be perfect, I can't do it. I want that true love more than anything, but it seems elusive.

 

I've seen the word chemistry used in so many different contexts for years and I still don't completely understand it. I feel it's something that usually works against me. I'm the guy who is good on paper more often than not.

 

Also, I don't think you can break people down into just two categories. I won't settle for just any woman. There are a number of must have characteristics and a number of things that are close to must haves. There are a number of nice to haves too. I'd like to have as many nice to haves as possible, but it's extremely unlikely I will get everything. I honestly don't know which of the two groups I'd fall into.

[InspiredbyYou]

 

My experience has been if I make even a little mistake with a woman, there are no second chances. If I don't answer the phone correctly or take too long to ask her out, I won't have another go at it. It seems that people expect perfection and as much as I want to be perfect, I can't do it. I want that true love more than anything, but it seems elusive.

 

 

 

Hate to break it to you but if a woman dumps you over those silly things, she was only mildly warm about you to begin with. She was doing the proverbial "give him a second chance in case the chemistry grows" and she used any excuse to support her already weak stance on you.

 

When a woman is really into you she will put up with all kinds of mixed signals and she will do this until others talk sense into her that she is being taken for granted. Read the boards, look at the questions on here alone of all the women asking how to handle what they interpret to be "mixed signals" that are blatant signs of disinterest seen by everyone but, yet there she is asking and scheming how she can get "the guy".

 

The only other option is you did wait too long and she did not have time for your games.

[InspiredbyYou]

 

Also, I don't think you can break people down into just two categories. I won't settle for just any woman. There are a number of must have characteristics and a number of things that are close to must haves. There are a number of nice to haves too. I'd like to have as many nice to haves as possible, but it's extremely unlikely I will get everything. I honestly don't know which of the two groups I'd fall into.

 

 

Do you want to list your "must haves" and we can explore the meaning of chemistry together? Not your "nice to have's" that is not what I mean.

[thegreatmoose]

Hate to break it to you but if a woman dumps you over those silly things, she was only mildly warm about you to begin with. She was doing the proverbial "give him a second chance in case the chemistry grows" and she used any excuse to support her already weak stance on you.

 

When a woman is really into you she will put up with all kinds of mixed signals and she will do this until others talk sense into her that she is being taken for granted. Read the boards, look at the questions on here alone of all the women asking how to handle what they interpret to be "mixed signals" that are blatant signs of disinterest seen by everyone but, yet there she is asking and scheming how she can get "the guy".

 

The only other option is you did wait too long and she did not have time for your games.

I need to clarify. These things usually happen before I've met her. They are frequently on the call to set up a first date or even in email exchanges before calling. The more I know someone, the easier it is to be myself. It is often dramatic when I have a first date followed by meeting with long time friends. I may as well be two different people.

 

I don't like all these games. I have never waited more than a couple days to call or email unless there was some reason where it was impossible such as one of us going out of town. It's really tough because rarely are phones answered. I've made the mistake a number of times of calling again before she calls me back. It works zero percent of the time.

 

Finding love is so difficult that sometimes I wonder if it's worth the effort. Looking for a job is a piece of cake in comparison.

[thegreatmoose]

Do you want to list your "must haves" and we can explore the meaning of chemistry together? Not your "nice to have's" that is not what I mean.

Here are some.

 

honesty

reliability

no smoking

no illegal drug use

no extreme religious beliefs

at least ok looking to me, the majority of women meet this one

ability to have an intelligent conversation

must share some common interests

we must like each other's company, yes I know this probably means chemistry

she has to want to be intimate with me a certain amount, I don't want to end up in a sexless marriage

[InspiredbyYou]

Here are some.

 

honesty

reliability

no smoking

no illegal drug use

no extreme religious beliefs

at least ok looking to me, the majority of women meet this one

ability to have an intelligent conversation

must share some common interests

we must like each other's company, yes I know this probably means chemistry

she has to want to be intimate with me a certain amount, I don't want to end up in a sexless marriage

 

Cool thanks! How many of those do you think you can give up and still feel a strong romantic bond with a woman, strong enough that you would want to spend the rest of your life with her and make babies (if babies is what you want)?

 

List them in order of importance if there are some you can give up.

[thegreatmoose]

Cool thanks! How many of those do you think you can give up and still feel a strong romantic bond with a woman, strong enough that you would want to spend the rest of your life with her and make babies (if babies is what you want)?

 

List them in order of importance if there are some you can give up.

Suppose she smoked an occasion cigarette or tried a little bit of pot. Possibly I could live with it.

 

The rest are absolute must haves.

[InspiredbyYou]

Suppose she smoked an occasion cigarette or tried a little bit of pot. Possibly I could live with it.

 

The rest are absolute must haves.

 

 

So don't you think everyone has their own lists of absolute must haves thegreatmoose?

 

You know my list was very similar to yours, almost exact in fact. I was one of those women who turned down men after one date, based on not "settling" and I feel like I met the person I was waiting for.

 

I know it's not easy, I know it can be very trying and it can feel like a bottomless pit of disappointment if you let being single feel that way. But it doesn't have to feel that way. Don't dwell on the ones that got away, think of the ones that are to come.

[thegreatmoose]

So don't you think everyone has their own lists of absolute must haves thegreatmoose?

 

You know my list was very similar to yours, almost exact in fact. I was one of those women who turned down men after one date, based on not "settling" and I feel like I met the person I was waiting for.

 

I know it's not easy, I know it can be very trying and it can feel like a bottomless pit of disappointment if you let being single feel that way. But it doesn't have to feel that way. Don't dwell on the ones that got away, think of the ones that are to come.

Everyone does have their list of must haves.

 

It is interesting that your list is similar to mine and not 12 times longer. Maybe I think most women's lists are 12 times longer, when in reality they are not.

 

I think what gets into my head sometimes is if I'm not perfect in every way, then I will be turned down by the first date. Rationally that's not true, but there's so much emotion when it comes to dating. You are right that I should forget the ones that didn't work out and look forward to the ones to come.

 

I'm happy that you have found your ideal man.

Edited November 30, 2009 by thegreatmoose

[InspiredbyYou]

Everyone does have their list of must haves.

 

It is interesting that your list is similar to mine and not 12 times longer. Maybe I think most women's lists are 12 times longer, when in reality they are not.

 

I think what gets into my head sometimes is if I'm not perfect in every way, then I will be turned down by the first date. Rationally that's not true, but there's so much emotion when it comes to dating. You are right that I should forget the ones that didn't work out and look forward to the ones to come.

 

 

You would be surprised how similar a lot of men and women's lists are. The problem is that with online dating people get so polluted from reading profiles and that "wish list" people display that we start to think that is what people actually want and need. Sure some people have very unrealistic expectations, when I was looking at profiles both women and men's I couldn't help but laugh at some of the expectations by some people. I mean long lists of wants and desires, I felt like writing to some of the people and saying "honey are you for real?" do you honestly think you are going to meet that man you are drafting out in your laundry list of desires you call a "profile?" If you do let me know where he is I want one like him too - in my dreams!

 

However, some people will put out as much as they can to push away most of the population out there.

 

You mustn't take it personally thegreatgoose, furthermore you must not think you are less than who you are because you are not connecting on first dates. You weren't right for the women you met but you are right for someone out there, and the right woman for you will not second guess if she wants to see you again you will see it her in body language and in her enthusiasm and general interest. You keep trying until you meet her.

 

I'll share a little secret with you, when I first got onto the internet my profile read like a man repellent, and you know what? To a certain extent I think I was subconsciously trying to repel men. I was emotionally not ready to move on to dating but was forcing myself to do so since I needed to get past my last relationship. I felt ready to date but not emotionally ready to move on if that makes sense. As I found myself moving closer to a clearer emotional state and my heart was healing, I found that I was more inviting in the way my profile was edited and changed. Eventually I attracted the right guy and it just so happened to be when I was ready to let him come into my life.

 

Sometimes what you see online is people, unconsciously repelling others. It's their issue, not yours. Always keep that in mind when you go out on dates. Timing is everything in life!

 

I always say if you are going to internet date you have to completely desensitize yourself from the whole experience, be very clinical about it until you meet someone you really like. Then it's ok to get emotional about things it's natural one would.

Edited December 1, 2009 by InspiredbyYou

[justforfun]

And how is that working out for you?

 

 

It works very well actually. If I hadn't had that philosophy then I would never have gotten to like caviar, black coffee, anal sex or Hershey's chocolate kisses.

[Sam Spade]

I'm pretty sure I have the shortest "list" there is:

- is she pretty?

- is she sweet?

Worked pretty well for me, fast too . The thing is simply that nothing else really matters beyond ability and desire to relate to each other in mellow and constructive ways (i.e. what I call sweetness). I could always find something wrong with anybody (Seinfield style), but why on earth would I do that unless I want to prove myself a complete idiot?

 

I just did a little experiment, logged onto match.com and, 1+ years later, I found at least 4 of the women who had rejected me, their profiles still active . It was quite satisfying (unless they are actually having fun, in which case more power and best wishes to them...).

Edited December 1, 2009 by Sam Spade

[thegreatmoose]

You would be surprised how similar a lot of men and women's lists are. The problem is that with online dating people get so polluted from reading profiles and that "wish list" people display that we start to think that is what people actually want and need. Sure some people have very unrealistic expectations, when I was looking at profiles both women and men's I couldn't help but laugh at some of the expectations by some people. I mean long lists of wants and desires, I felt like writing to some of the people and saying "honey are you for real?" do you honestly think you are going to meet that man you are drafting out in your laundry list of desires you call a "profile?" If you do let me know where he is I want one like him too - in my dreams!

When I've thought about people not settling, I've always thought of every item on these long lists of wants and desires must be met.

 

If it's a list like yours, then not settling is the right thing to do. I definitely agree with not settling as long as the list of requirements is reasonable.

 

I could dream up a perfect woman that has the perfect personality and the perfect body and perfect everything else, but I know that women doesn't exist. On the other hand, I know there are women that meet my requirements. I have to meet theirs too at the same times. That's what makes it hard.

 

However, some people will put out as much as they can to push away most of the population out there.

 

You mustn't take it personally thegreatgoose, furthermore you must not think you are less than who you are because you are not connecting on first dates. You weren't right for the women you met but you are right for someone out there, and the right woman for you will not second guess if she wants to see you again you will see it her in body language and in her enthusiasm and general interest. You keep trying until you meet her.

I've had at least one back and forth email with around 25 women this year. I don't think the issue is with my profile. I made it to the first date with close to 10. Looking back, there was no chemistry on any of them and none went beyond the first meeting.

 

I'm the one common denominator here and I struggle with not thinking less of myself. I think it's human nature to be wanted and not to get that for a long time is a tough thing to swallow.

 

Maybe I'll be able to attract 10 or more women to date next year. Hopefully this time there will be that magical chemistry bewteen at least one of them and I. It really does seem like magic to me.

 

I'll share a little secret with you, when I first got onto the internet my profile read like a man repellent, and you know what? To a certain extent I think I was subconsciously trying to repel men. I was emotionally not ready to move on to dating but was forcing myself to do so since I needed to get past my last relationship. I felt ready to date but not emotionally ready to move on if that makes sense. As I found myself moving closer to a clearer emotional state and my heart was healing, I found that I was more inviting in the way my profile was edited and changed. Eventually I attracted the right guy and it just so happened to be when I was ready to let him come into my life.

 

Sometimes what you see online is people, unconsciously repelling others. It's their issue, not yours. Always keep that in mind when you go out on dates. Timing is everything in life!

 

I always say if you are going to internet date you have to completely desensitize yourself from the whole experience, be very clinical about it until you meet someone you really like. Then it's ok to get emotional about things it's natural one would.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to desensitize myself, but I'm getting more and more used to it. It's very possible my body language my be inadventently repelling others on dates, which is something I need to work on.

Edited December 1, 2009 by thegreatmoose

[justforfun]

You are actually wasting your own time analyzing it this much. Here:

 

Step 1. If you like the pics and interests, write a quick email mentioning one or two things about the profile and include a clever funny and relevant line if you can think of one. She may read it, and if she does she will look at your pics and interests and writing quality and decide if she wants to reply accordingly. A well written clever message may help somewhat but don't sweat it too much.

 

Step 2. Repeat, don't look back.

 

There I just saved you like 3 hours. Have at it.

 

Nope you didn't. He took the long route and 8 hours later......

 

Just think what we could have done in 8 hours? :laugh:

[thegreatmoose]

You are actually wasting your own time analyzing it this much. Here:

 

Step 1. If you like the pics and interests, write a quick email mentioning one or two things about the profile and include a clever funny and relevant line if you can think of one. She may read it, and if she does she will look at your pics and interests and writing quality and decide if she wants to reply accordingly. A well written clever message may help somewhat but don't sweat it too much.

 

Step 2. Repeat, don't look back.

 

There I just saved you like 3 hours. Have at it.

This is what I already do, though it takes me 15+ minutes to get something that sounds decent. I always have to think a bit before I'm happy with the message. I only send something if I like her profile.

 

I have no idea where you got 3 hours from.

Edited December 1, 2009 by thegreatmoose

[thegreatmoose]

Nope you didn't. He took the long route and 8 hours later......

 

Just think what we could have done in 8 hours? :laugh:

I'm not sure what you mean here.

Edited December 1, 2009 by thegreatmoose

[thegreatmoose]

I'm pretty sure I have the shortest "list" there is:

- is she pretty?

- is she sweet?

Worked pretty well for me, fast too . The thing is simply that nothing else really matters beyond ability and desire to relate to each other in mellow and constructive ways (i.e. what I call sweetness). I could always find something wrong with anybody (Seinfield style), but why on earth would I do that unless I want to prove myself a complete idiot?

There's a lot of pretty and sweet (to most people) women that have said far worse things to my face than anything in this thread.

 

Pretty and sweet is not enough for me, but I'm willing to compromise on the physical attributes for the right personality.

Edited December 1, 2009 by thegreatmoose

[InspiredbyYou]

When I've thought about people not settling, I've always thought of every item on these long lists of wants and desires must be met.

 

If it's a list like yours, then not settling is the right thing to do. I definitely agree with not settling as long as the list of requirements is reasonable.

 

but who is to say what is a reasonable list for whom? Sure there are some people who are out to lunch, but for the most part people think what they ask for is reasonable.

 

 

For example someone said "sweet and good looking" if I was with a man who was just sweet and good looking, and that was all the criteria he met that would bore me to tears. I simply couldn't do it! I would prefer someone who is not so sweet all the time and less good looking (still sexually appealing to me) but has other aspects of their personality that keeps me on my toes and actively interested in them.

 

 

 

On the other hand, I know there are women that meet my requirements. I have to meet theirs too at the same times. That's what makes it hard.

Yes that is the hard part, and that's why finding the right mate is no easy task. So should we really judge all those people who are on sites still looking? What if those women have been rejected by men on first dates, much like you have? Why feel good about seeing them there?

 

 

I've had at least one back and forth email with around 25 women this year. I don't think the issue is with my profile. I made it to the first date with close to 10. Looking back, there was no chemistry on any of them and none went beyond the first meeting.

That's ok, keep going. Make a game of it, challenge yourself in different ways. If I had gone by the picture my boyfriend had sent I would have rejected him flat out, not that it was unappealing it was just not the best pic. But I said I am going to take a leap of faith here and see where it takes me. It was sort of blurry and I couldn't really tell what he looked like for good. Then after chatting for a while back and forth on email I built up the courage to ask him for more pics, I was pleasantly surprised but I was mostly surprised when I met him he looked even better in person. The chemistry was instant. From the way he dressed he was wearing this Burberry shirt that made his big blue eyes pop out of his face, and he smelled fantastic. He looked so preppy and polished it was instant attraction from a physical stand point then we started talking and we were very much alike in so many respects. But most importantly he was forthright about expressing how I looked and the good time we were having so pretty early on in the date we established we were into each other. How can there not be chemistry?

 

I'm the one common denominator here and I struggle with not thinking less of myself. I think it's human nature to be wanted and not to get that for a long time is a tough thing to swallow.

I hear you but you manage to get women to go out with you even for a first date, it's a LOT more than a lot of guys out there. Trust me!

 

 

 

I don't know if I'll ever be able to desensitize myself, but I'm getting more and more used to it. It's very possible my body language my be inadventently repelling others on dates, which is something I need to work on.

Maybe? what do you think you are doing and what kinds of things do you talk about? How do you think you come across on paper vs in person? Really take a hard look at those things. Are your pictures misleading at all? Are you shy? How do these dates end? Can you tell if these women are bothered to be there in any way? At what point does the date turn into something uncomfortable basically. All things you do need to analyze to see your patterns. We can all pretty much know that.

 

 

I'll tell you some of the things that would turn me off on dates that were going well and this is not limited to online dating:

 

 

- no edge to them in person, they were nice guys but just lacked that worldly sophistication, street smarts and wit that I am generally attracted to (sexual spark)

- signs of immaturity or midlife crisis (men in their 30s should not be going through midlife crisis) last girlfriend was half his age and it was right after his divorce

- if they were too enthusiastic about me without me showing real signs that I was interested, already talking as if we were a couple and making plans ahead wanting to rush into a relationship, making plans when I had not agree to a second date yet

- sings of emotional baggage from past relationships

- not very funny and on the serious side. not getting my sense of humor and vice versa

- signs of chronic instability in their life which also equaled saying misleading things on their profile (instant turn-off)

 

Sometimes we do nothing at all, the connection is just not there greatmoose!

Edited December 1, 2009 by InspiredbyYou

[b52s]

Well, it appears this thread has turn into just a chat between to people. lol