McGrupp Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 (edited) not really though. feeling ok today Edited November 30, 2009 by McGrupp
Ms. Joolie Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 LOL. ..was about to give you a verbal ass kicking!! heh. 'nite, McG.
DenverBachelor Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 not really though. feeling ok today It may be a joke, but this pity party is a one man event and you need to stop it. You need to start surrounding yourself with positives and start treating yourself better. You are in no condition to be in a relationship right now -- even getting back with your ex. You need to man up and go to the gym and start running. Start reading relationship books and get a better perspective on the female dynamic. Surround yourself with positive people and develop leadership qualities. You want to be a person that people are drawn towards -- not someone that people meet and then want to shoot you and then themselves in the head. Seriously. Get up in the morning and look in the mirror and tell yourself you are the man. Start thinking it throughout the day. Develop a certain swagger and stride to your daily routine and life. You can't keep posting messages about how much you miss her and how pathetic your life is without her. I know it hurts, trust me. I loved my ex to death and I wanted to spend my life with her. But she's GONE. She made the decision, not me. It's not our fault so stop kicking your own ass. Now shut your face, go out and make something of your life. Be that glowing man that draws people towards you. Start kicking ass. Somehow or another, people sense this -- even ex's who aren't even around. I don't understand how, but there's just this ether of emotion that lingers about and people can just smell it. Is that clear enough? Grab your balls and get going!
Pentel Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 thanks man, it helped me too It may be a joke, but this pity party is a one man event and you need to stop it. You need to start surrounding yourself with positives and start treating yourself better. You are in no condition to be in a relationship right now -- even getting back with your ex. You need to man up and go to the gym and start running. Start reading relationship books and get a better perspective on the female dynamic. Surround yourself with positive people and develop leadership qualities. You want to be a person that people are drawn towards -- not someone that people meet and then want to shoot you and then themselves in the head. Seriously. Get up in the morning and look in the mirror and tell yourself you are the man. Start thinking it throughout the day. Develop a certain swagger and stride to your daily routine and life. You can't keep posting messages about how much you miss her and how pathetic your life is without her. I know it hurts, trust me. I loved my ex to death and I wanted to spend my life with her. But she's GONE. She made the decision, not me. It's not our fault so stop kicking your own ass. Now shut your face, go out and make something of your life. Be that glowing man that draws people towards you. Start kicking ass. Somehow or another, people sense this -- even ex's who aren't even around. I don't understand how, but there's just this ether of emotion that lingers about and people can just smell it. Is that clear enough? Grab your balls and get going!
Author McGrupp Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 (edited) But she's GONE. She made the decision, not me. It's not our fault so stop kicking your own ass.no i pretty much made the decision for her. kept hassling her even as lately as last week. i suck. im a loser. i cant move on. grab my balls has no meaning. i pick up chicks all the time but dont care. i dont know what to do. i cant let go. my life is devoid of any sort of meaning. my friends all have gf's and bf's. im perfectly alone now. i want to see her so bad. i ache all the time. i dont even know her anymore.e i think of things that happened right around the breakup and they seem so long ago, but the breakup convo sounds like yesterday. they all do. ive acted immature, selfish and controllling. and i still feel the same way. thats the kicker. i havent changed. im still immature and controlling. i tell myself to grow up and yet im still here. i think i have to move. even if it running from my problems i have to go out and find myself like she said. thing is ive always needed someone to help me along. im a big co-dependent i guess. got no one now and cant figure out my next move. its been 3 months and im still her pining and starting the same threads. i got anxiety about being alone for my life and the regrets. i get depressed and still think about ending it. i sleep 4 hours a night and keep making huge mistakes in my life. am i just lazy? my healing is naught. not sure what to do. Edited November 30, 2009 by McGrupp
HeavenOrHell Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 You have to FORCE yourself to make the changes in yourself, you say you are immature, selfish and controlling, you can't go into another relationship if you are still all those things. Wouldn't that be a good incentive though? To better yourself so that your life WILL improve! no i pretty much made the decision for her. kept hassling her even as lately as last week. i suck. im a loser. i cant move on. grab my balls has no meaning. i pick up chicks all the time but dont care. i dont know what to do. i cant let go. my life is devoid of any sort of meaning. my friends all have gf's and bf's. im perfectly alone now. i want to see her so bad. i ache all the time. i dont even know her anymore.e i think of things that happened right around the breakup and they seem so long ago, but the breakup convo sounds like yesterday. they all do. ive acted immature, selfish and controllling. and i still feel the same way. thats the kicker. i havent changed. im still immature and controlling. i tell myself to grow up and yet im still here. i think i have to move. even if it running from my problems i have to go out and find myself like she said. thing is ive always needed someone to help me along. im a big co-dependent i guess. got no one now and cant figure out my next move. its been 3 months and im still her pining and starting the same threads. i got anxiety about being alone for my life and the regrets. i get depressed and still think about ending it. i sleep 4 hours a night and keep making huge mistakes in my life. am i just lazy? my healing is naught. not sure what to do.
Author McGrupp Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 i just dont know how to start. i dont know how to take that first step towards a new meaning and life. i want it. i want it so bad. but ....what? i dont know. i dont know anymore what it is that makes me happy. i delibrate, and get the same answer: her i need a life i can look at and be proud of. with her i was like , well at least someone out here likes you.
redplanet Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Hey McGrupp, Please chill, take it easy, be gentle with yourself. Take it day by day, moment by moment. I know it all seems virtually impossible, but you will be ok. There's no need to rush things. Anxiety will only keep you on the emotional rollercoaster. Hang in there buddy, we care very much.
Boundary Problem Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 i just dont know how to start. i dont know how to take that first step towards a new meaning and life. i want it. i want it so bad. but ....what? i dont know. i dont know anymore what it is that makes me happy. i delibrate, and get the same answer: her i need a life i can look at and be proud of. with her i was like , well at least someone out here likes you. So this answer: her: how has she been good for you in the past 12 months. List all the good things you and her have enjoyed together in the past 12 months. At a certain point - hanging on is irrational. Not a rational choice. Sort of like those japanese reality tv shows on late at night where they are jumping over the logs and the big pieces of foam. And they are wearing helmets. But you just know they are going to smash their face on the log when it rolls over in the water. Sure enough within 45 seconds they are injured and their turn is over. Reading your postings is like watching that Japanese reality TV show - every day someone new gets hurt on the same old rides. But they still keep lining up.... So when are you going to realize that within you is something that has a false trigger, and you need to CHOOSE to consciously work around your false trigger? Because your psyche isn't doing it naturally/rationally. You need to revert to auto pilot around this false trigger. She ain't coming back. It has been over 12 months. So what would a rational person do?
Ms. Joolie Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 i just dont know how to start. i dont know how to take that first step towards a new meaning and life. i want it. i want it so bad. but ....what? i dont know. i dont know anymore what it is that makes me happy. i delibrate, and get the same answer: her i need a life i can look at and be proud of. with her i was like , well at least someone out here likes you. Don't worry, you are just at that time in your life. I think a lot of what you are thinking/feeling is normal. You are 24. By the time you are 30 you will look back and remember this time as one of a very young adult, not yet set in the world. This is your time to make it happen, so don't feel as if you aren't going nowhere, rather get yourself going. Also, you are coming out of a long relationship, like so many others, it's easy to lose your identity after such a relationship. When every weekend is spent with the SO, when you talk to them about everything, when all your plans consider them,etc, it's easy to feel a little lost when they're gone. It's very much like a divorced person and the feelings of being alone and the losing of that identity they had as an SO. It's a complete loss of the life they knew, and they have to start again. So these are two big things in your life right now: 1) You're 24. 2) You have to get use to being independent again. So now what, right? You have your whole life in front of you, and it's going to take some thought, organization, creativity, ambition, determination and perseverance to get what you want out of life. Anything you want out of life is there, you just have to make it your own. Create it. Do it. Make it happen. At 24, I was so lost. lol. I can't believe I've come so far only 3 years later. I'd never guess I'd be here. ahhh..... these 3 years! I love it! And you can to. Just always keep moving, and you'll find your way. Think about some solid steps you can take to move forward in your life. Brainstorm. If you can't think of anything in particular, then commit to doing new things, meeting new people. Go out there and live your life because it's not going to just come to you. As an adult, no one is giving you anything anymore. You have to earn it. And the biggest thing you can do right now is get out there and expose yourself to new things. I don't know where you live, but hopefully it's a place where you can find a lot of new things to do. At this time, I think you really need to expand your life, and open it up to new possibilities. Get out of the world you knew and step into the great big one.
Boundary Problem Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 At this time, I think you really need to expand your life, and open it up to new possibilities. Get out of the world you knew and step into the great big one. Here's the thing. He has been told that for months and months and months and months. He knows it. He rationally wants to move on with his life. He knows it will be the only thing that move him forward in life. BUT - what is holding him back. Clearly something is holding him back subconsciously. Which is why I raised the issue of the false trigger of reuniting with the phantom ex-girlfriend. He needs help with a work-around. To turn on his auto-pilot. Because the natural grieving process is has been truncated for months, and unfortunately almost appears to regress at times. What I'm saying is the "river of emotion" that is supposed to carry you to a peaceful end of a relationship after the rapids of breaking up etc, the river has trapped him in an eddy. He can't reach the shore, he can't swim up river, and the eddy won't let him continue on his journey down the river. The eddy won't drown him, until he gets exhausted. So right now it appears that he is in a holding pattern, but slowly he is getting exhausted in this eddy. He needs outside help to get out of the eddy and moving again downstream. His subconscious has him trapped in an eddy in the emotional river. This may not make sense, but I'm visual. And I see him trapped not in a whirlpool which sucks you down quickly, but more of an eddy which would trap you with undertow etc, and almost cruelly slowly exhaust you. It is hard to see someone you care about trapped in a circle of grief.
Ms. Joolie Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 This may not make sense, but I'm visual. And I see him trapped not in a whirlpool which sucks you down quickly, but more of an eddy which would trap you with undertow etc, and almost cruelly slowly exhaust you. I totally get it. I'm a visual person, too. I actually see him in a hole, in a dark place, and he just can't get out on his own. What I'm unsure of is his personality. I don't know him of course, but I wonder if he's always this bleak about life? I guess the answer would be that in the worst of times, he goes to this dark place that exist in his soul. (so to say) It's not a bad thing to have that dark place of the soul, everyone has it. And for many people it is the dominant feature of their personality. They live comfortably in this dark place, that is what they know. And that's okay. He doesn't need fixing, he just needs to learn how to live where he's at. Although he does bring up "moving" a lot. It makes me think that he doesn't like it in the dark hole. He needs more to his life, he needs meaning. McGrupp, The life you know now isn't all there is to life. This hole you live in, which is your thoughts and behavior, is only one way of "being." You can change the course. It's a journey, but only one that you can take. You can open up your life, you can change your life... but YOU have to do it. It's going to take a lot of thought, a lot of commitment. You are going to have to find a solid base, that something or those somethings that bring meaning to your life. Would go on about finding new values and new meaning to your life but I'll have to leave it at this for now.
Author McGrupp Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 ok my plan is to go back to school to be a teacher. not even sure if its what i want to do 100%, BUT it is something to keep my mind occupied and prolly a good place to meet some new friends. i also would like to transfer to the west coast after a semester. i devoted the last years of my life to that relationship, and took finding a good career for granted. i wasnt happy and am still not with my job, but stayed there out of comfort and contempt. i think what keeps me from moving on is that i didnt act like a man in front of her. she doesnt respect me. i didnt keep NC. i beeged and pleaded. i cried in fornt of her. i called her horrible names. i asked when is my 2nd chance coming. basically all the wrong moves. if i walked away i would have her. because i had done that b4 and she came running. so....that sucks and thats why i cant mov on. ....hmmm but i have no toehr choice. ride this thing out and hopefully in 2-3 years im in a way better place. def is a huge setback and its hard to see my friends in good standing relationships and give me advice and me not follow it. time for me to listen to LS and just stop hoping. i have learned for my next relationships which is sad. i still want her back but yur right im in no position to even take her back. my head is so up my own ass.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I think you literally just take the first step towards achieving what you want, make a plan of action and tackle the steps one by one. We can help you as much as poss but maybe your therapist can help you too? Remember to be honest with him/her though. Do you have any supportive friends? Anyone you've lost touch with and could get back in touch with? i just dont know how to start. i dont know how to take that first step towards a new meaning and life. i want it. i want it so bad. but ....what? i dont know. i dont know anymore what it is that makes me happy. i delibrate, and get the same answer: her i need a life i can look at and be proud of. with her i was like , well at least someone out here likes you.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I'm seriously impressed by this (mostly) positive post! Take the first step... ok my plan is to go back to school to be a teacher. not even sure if its what i want to do 100%, BUT it is something to keep my mind occupied and prolly a good place to meet some new friends. i also would like to transfer to the west coast after a semester. i devoted the last years of my life to that relationship, and took finding a good career for granted. i wasnt happy and am still not with my job, but stayed there out of comfort and contempt. i think what keeps me from moving on is that i didnt act like a man in front of her. she doesnt respect me. i didnt keep NC. i beeged and pleaded. i cried in fornt of her. i called her horrible names. i asked when is my 2nd chance coming. basically all the wrong moves. if i walked away i would have her. because i had done that b4 and she came running. so....that sucks and thats why i cant mov on. ....hmmm but i have no toehr choice. ride this thing out and hopefully in 2-3 years im in a way better place. def is a huge setback and its hard to see my friends in good standing relationships and give me advice and me not follow it. time for me to listen to LS and just stop hoping. i have learned for my next relationships which is sad. i still want her back but yur right im in no position to even take her back. my head is so up my own ass.
Odyssey Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Hey McGrupp maybe you should channel all the negative energy and choreograph an interpretive dance about the whole situation and how it made you feel. Years later when your one man show is as big as the Lion King on Broadway, she be jealous of you and your new girlfriend producer. (Hang in there man, keep posting if you think it helps you).
Boundary Problem Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I think you would actually be a good teacher. It would still be stressful, but a much different kind of stress. More of a busy stress, rather than I can't stand my job stress.
Author McGrupp Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 (edited) i dont know what to do. if i stay here icould potentially own this **** business and make a lot of $$. on the some note its incredibly boring and mind nuumbing and that wont be for some years and well, id rather do something i love. maybe get an MBA to learn how to run a business? so lost. where is my girl to talk over life decisions. Edited December 1, 2009 by McGrupp
PinkToes Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Don't even think about keeping that job. It's killing your spirit. Take a leap of faith and follow whatever dream gives you hope for the future. You don't need her. You can do this on your own. You just need to start.
Author McGrupp Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 (edited) my dream b4 college was to work in TV, either editing or camera. didnt work out. majored in production. then i started improv and sketch writing as a hobby and fell in love with that (the writing aspect) however, the writing has been dull lately. she was my muse. came to all my shows and read my sketches beforehand. now i show them to no one except my teachers. and yesterday there was this dude in my class who looked like the lonliest loser ever. mid-40's, no wedding band, and i just looked at him like that will be me. i had a dream about putting on a one man show about this crap up in a theatre at NYC. but yeah...neither one of my asperations is easily attainable. and the other things is i would have to submerge myself in the NYC scene. which is cool, but i dont have an in and NYC is way close to home and i kinda wanted to get away. Edited December 1, 2009 by McGrupp
Boundary Problem Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 my dream b4 college was to work in TV, either editing or camera. didnt work out. majored in production. then i started improv and sketch writing as a hobby and fell in love with that (the writing aspect) however, the writing has been dull lately. i had a dream about putting on a one man show about this crap up in a theatre at NYC. but yeah...neither one of my asperations is easily attainable. mmmm. Sounds like my painting. A hobby until retired, and then can pursue as a lifestyle.
soheartbroken Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 What about taking classes, while still keeping your job? You have so much [boring] time on your hands at work, why not use it to study and make money at the same time? That way if the school falls through, you'll still have your job and potential to own the place down the road. Or, you might discover that whatever you're taking in school is your ticket out. Now is a bad time to make major decisions. Think about it, but don't quit your day job yet just yet!
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