Is it 'natural' to force your self to change in order to make more friends ?

[aystro]

Reason I am asking is because as much as I want to have lots of friends I do not seem to have any luck with it. I am very introvert and sensitive guy. And I actually force my self to become different and have lot's of 'casual' friends which I just say 'hello' to and 'bye bye'. However this makes me feel so useless. You don't really get to know anybody well because it's all bout the quantity it seems. I only seem to get friends usually if I do lots of nice things for them. And they aren't worth it in the long run. But if I don't do this, it seems that I got nobody around me except my parents. For this reason, I am just desperately seeking the truth of the universe for my self. I am quite a moody person, and every action I do that connects me with a potential friend, purely depends on that random thought. I am inconsistent. And when I try to be consistent it makes me feel robotic and senseless...

 

I got the feeling nobody got a clue what I am talking about

[JaggedRoad]

No, I'm pretty much the same as you, and I'm sure there are others out there as well. I guess you have to find people with similar interests in order to maintain a friendship with them.

 

You seem to be really eager to have lots of friends for some reason. Can I ask you why you have such a desire? Is there something that you are trying to substitute within yourself by having so many friends? Maybe you should try working on yourself before you go out and blindly look for friends. Friends come and go, but you will always have yourself, so make sure that you are the person that you want to be.

[aystro]

No, I'm pretty much the same as you, and I'm sure there are others out there as well. I guess you have to find people with similar interests in order to maintain a friendship with them.

 

You seem to be really eager to have lots of friends for some reason. Can I ask you why you have such a desire? Is there something that you are trying to substitute within yourself by having so many friends? Maybe you should try working on yourself before you go out and blindly look for friends. Friends come and go, but you will always have yourself, so make sure that you are the person that you want to be.

 

My desire comes from the fact that one of the best periods of my life was when the whole school knew me and was friendly and kind. Most of them that is. It felt like heaven. And then I moved to an other country and everything started from scratch. If I don't study , then I never meet new people and then I am basically sitting in front of my computer 8/24. However even when I play a game online I love to chat while playing. Something that the gamers don't really like

 

The thing is I want to have serious friends that never go. I am not saying that I need somebody to hold my hand. But just it feels great.... some times when I'm feeling down I just turn on the tv and when I see the people there, it already makes me feel better.... ( perhaps reason why I'm not always feeling great because I quit watching tv lol .... ).

 

But my dream is to find a girl I will stay until the rest of my life with who is as loyal as I don't know what =)

[Scottdmw]

If people, whether male or female, sense that you want something from them, it can subtly turn them off and drive them away. The unfortunate irony is that the people who are least concerned about making friends tend to have the most. This is also true even more so in romantic relationships.

 

So what do you do? People are drawn to positive energy in your life. The more you have going on, the more excited you are about the things in your life, the more people will be naturally drawn to you. So, try to find some interests or projects that you really like and devote time and energy to making them happen. Some of them can be solitary even, though they should not all be. If you are very interested in something, and you meet someone else who also is, it is very natural to talk about it, and they will be very interested in talking about it with you.

 

If on the other hand you spend time doing nice things for people hoping that they will be your friends, that doesn't work so well. I mean, on the face of it, you really are trying to buy their friendship or manipulate them. I don't say that to be mean or judgmental, it is simply true. And, the other person can sense that your gifts and favors have strings attached. If you really want to do something nice for someone, that's great, but do it as a true gift expecting absolutely nothing in return.

 

Scott

[Yukikazi]

Yes.. its called natural selection.. you either adapt to make friends or suffer and die alone.

 

Everyone changes.. its evolution.. you persona evolves so your attitude changes and how you treat others and hence they treat you.

 

You may find that once you manage to break out of your shell, you'll be a whole new person and wondering why it took you so long to do it.

[carhill]

OP, IMO, if you change anything, let it be your focus. Focus on developing friendships with a few people with whom you connect. After a lot of water under the friendship bridge, I can tell you that quality is a far more important commodity than quantity when it comes to friendships. Sometimes it's only after you've been friends for decades you understand what 'quality' means and it happens almost without realizing it.

 

I've run across a few people who are perhaps like you and struggle with finding common ground with others. I was like that when younger so can empathize. I accept their generosity and stay in touch, trying to draw them out, but only casually, and offer points of reciprocation so they know their efforts are appreciated.

 

IME, you can feel when you connect with someone, even a stranger. It's not superficial nor forced, rather just natural. Some of those connections last a minute, an hour or a day. Some last a lifetime. All part of life. I think, if you focus on the present and let the future take care of itself, you'll find what you seek. Best wishes

[aystro]

thank you guys. Scott in particular shows a very interesting point. I just watched " The Secret" not sure if you have heard of it? But basically it says that everything evolves around the law of attraction. And if you become successful whether in your career or love life , it it because you ATTRACTED it with your let's say 'charisma'. It's probably the reason that I know a couple of bad looking guys who have had the most stunning women and believe me they are not well off... But when he talks it's like he's sparking interest. It's nice to watch at and also a bit frightening, because you can actually get whatever and whoever you want that way.

 

" The Secret" theory , also says that most of the bad things in your life, you have attracted your self ( disease, bad relationships, no luck in life etc ). So that's probably what it is. I only had one period of my life that stood out in puberty, and that was the time when everybody knew me in school and they were friendly to me. It started first from their side , and then I caught on , and became friendly all of a sudden. I walked around every day with a modest smile on my face. I didn't lose it until i changes environment. And the mood dropped...