soheartbroken Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I feel so alone. My ex, the dumper, said we should go our separate ways and I haven't heard from her in 3.5 months. No texts, no emails, no phone calls, nothing. Not a word. She has initiated the NC, instead of the other way around. Everyone else on here it seems have exes that text them, tell them they miss them, want to be friends with them etc. Or the dumpee initiated NC, and even in this case the exes come snooping around! Why is my case so different?? I didn't even get the chance to initiate NC. She got all the power. I was far from perfect but I didn't cheat or abuse or demean or beg or plead or harass (though she knew I was torn up by it). What did I do to deserve this? Why can't my ex be like all other dumpers, and actually ask how I'm doing, ask to be friends or whatever? Why is mine so seemingly cold? There wasn't even a fight when we broke up. Please tell me I'm not the only one who was completely abandoned like this. I'm sorry for my last couple of threads. I'm having a tough time, seems almost like back to the first weeks, where I was on LS 24/7.
madrugada Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 My ex moved out five weeks ago, and since then she's made no effort to contact me. If I call or text her she'll respond, but she doesn't initiate contact. Speaking from the perspective of one who's dumped and been dumped, I will say that your ex probably went NC because she knows it's the best thing for both of you. And it is, really, because you're much better off without her giving you shreds of false hope. You don't deserve to be strung along. Actually, you're lucky in a lot of ways. Look how many people on these threads have broken NC and have been wrecked by it. I haven't made an effort to talk to my ex since she left because it would send me straight back to day one, when I walked around feeling like I'd just taken a bat to the torso. I don't call her, text her, drive by her house, look at her facebook page because I just don't want to know what she's doing. I mean I do want to know. But I can't. Take heart, and know that you're not alone.
Author soheartbroken Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Thank you Madruga. At this point I don't think she'd even respond if I contacted her. I'm doing what you're doing though, avoiding contact at all costs. I've even moved cities. Although I can't live in fear like this forever. I truly don't know if it's the best thing (for me anyway). Seems to me like she has all the power, as opposed to other people on this board who have the luxury of ignoring their ex as a big ol' F-YOU! Thanks for your insight. It could be true that she thinks it's best for both of us. So patronizing though.
Author soheartbroken Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 I guess the lack of responses answers my own question. Why the hell is she doing this to me?
Arabella Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 No, you're not the only one, soheartbroken. My ex has done the same thing. Our break up consisted of him blowing up at me and pushing me away with harsh and cruel words. Granted, I wanted it to end so I'm not sure if this qualifies, but still. I told him I wanted to be friends, because I valued our friendship.... but nothing. I haven't heard from him since, and although it's been only four days, I know that he will not contact me unless I do. Even then, I'm not quite sure if he will respond. Arabella
SushiOji Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Wow nothing after 3.5 months??? I would call her and ask her if she's human
johan Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 It may be hard on your ego to think she cares so little, but the fact is she cares however much she cares, and 1) you have no idea how much that is, and 2) there's nothing you can do about it. She doesn't want to be together, and that's all you need to know. So she's officially part of your past. Not your present. By staying away she's doing you a huge favor. Believe me. Even the least amount of contact from her will just be a form of torment. Much more painful than what you feel now. The last thing you need is false hope. And no, you aren't the only one. It happens all the time.
Devil Inside Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 You are not the only one. I have had an ex dump me, initiate NC, and never break it. It sucks because a part of you wants them to break down so bad and look for you. However, it is a blessing in disguise. You are going to be able to heal faster. I know this does not seem like good news...but it is.
Midnight Rider Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I know what you are going through, I had the same happen to me. Your ex is very cold and heartless indeed. Don't try to figure it out, it will only cause more pain and confusion. She is also very likely in a relationship with someone else. That would certainly explain the abcense of remorse and no contact for so long. This is what you need to do to forget about your ex and ease this pain: Accept that it is over, and TRY TO FIND ANOTHER WOMAN. Take some pics of yourself and sign up to dating sites, ask friends/family if they know of any girl to set you up with, etc. It may take a while to find one, but I promise you if you find a girl who you are attracted to, you will indeed experience a big shift in your situation. After all the suffering I went through, I realize this is the one thing which helped MORE than any combination of other things. Good luck pal, and stay strong. Remember, you aren't alone in dealing with this BS.
USMCHokie Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 We both decided to do NC about 2 and a half months ago...haven't heard a word from her since...I left it up to her to decide when it was ok to talk again...and as each day passes, I realize that we probably won't ever speak again...so no, you're not the only one...we've all been through it...got the free t-shirt... I have nothing to say to her...and she probably doesn't have anything to say to me, as we both are living our own separate lives...and maybe that's the way we were supposed end up...I'm slowly accepting it, and I think you will get to that point as well...just let time do its magic...
DenverBachelor Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I disagree with the cold and heartless comment. 1) They just might not be very good with dealing with their guilt and emotions and feel like running away is the best alternative. 2) They may have feelings for you and don't want to go down that path and have you in a position to make them doubt their decision. 3) They could be in a new relationship. 4) They could be dead?? The point is that after they breakup with you, that's the ax and you have to move on. They're no longer in your life so just shrug, acknowledge it was their choice and press forward with your dreams and goals. Some people are just cowards when it comes to emotions. A lot of people are very fragile.
puppydog Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 My ex was the EXACT same way. Immediately after we broke up (i initiated but he got the last word--long story) he has not contacted me AT ALL. Despite it, I totally respect him for his self-control. (Funny isn't it) I agree with Devil Inside. It made it really easy to move on. Granted I was the foolish one in the beginning that called him once a week for a couple weeks and wrote my last email a couple weeks ago, but the NC made me evaluate my situation. I can honestly say that my feelings are finally in check and I'm not the desperate person I was several weeks ago. I think you need to go read "It's a breakup because it's broken." It made me rethink my actions and thought processes. There is nothing we as the dumped can do about the situation. Our ex's at one point or another realized that it wasn't worth it to be with us (their [total] loss). The only thing we can do is pick up the pieces and move on. There ARE better people out there for us. Everyday, I realize that this breakup was a blessing in disguise. Granted, I DIED INSIDE everyday for a couple weeks, but I had awesome support from friends who were there for me when I was feeling needy and needed someone to talk to. I try to avoid any and all places that I might run into my ex. I even have to forgo going to a pre-Christmas party in a couple weeks because he's going to be there. It sucks not being able to meet and hang out with my friends, but my mental health and healing is most important at this point in my life and I'm making it a priority to move on so that I'll be emotionally available for the next guy that comes into my life.
USMCHokie Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Some people are just cowards when it comes to emotions. A lot of people are very fragile. This deserves to be quoted for truth...people who don't want to deal with their emotions use the avoidance coping mechanism...they bury the emotions deep down inside and hide them from other people because they don't want to be seen as weak and "emotional"...and they hide the emotions from themselves because they think the emotions will pass if they ignore it long enough...or they don't want to deal with the pain that comes with reconciling those emotions...
ADF Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Believe it or not, you're the lucky one. Trying to be friends with an ex right after a break up is usually a very bad idea. Everything is too raw. Nothing heals, and you never move on. The best thing is to have no contact at all for at least a year. No seeing the person, no emails, no phone calls, no text messages. Make a break. Meet new people. Do other things. Give yourself lots of time and space to get over the person. If, after a year, you both decide you want to be friends, fine. But trying to do it after a week or a month is just torture.
Toki Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 This deserves to be quoted for truth...people who don't want to deal with their emotions use the avoidance coping mechanism...they bury the emotions deep down inside and hide them from other people because they don't want to be seen as weak and "emotional"...and they hide the emotions from themselves because they think the emotions will pass if they ignore it long enough...or they don't want to deal with the pain that comes with reconciling those emotions... This depends on what you're definition of what Cowardice is, some guys swallow that heavy slab of emotions, and lock themselves up hoping all the hurt will go away, others cry and moan like a sixteen year old schoolgirl or sleep around with every piece of garbage they can stick their junk into to make themselves feel better about themselves, and some climb a clock tower with an Uzi. None are very good options, and none really help. But most guys pick one of the options anyways, because that's how we're built. (I chose #1) but eventually you find out that all options sucks, so instead you take a long look in the mirror, clean yourself up, and walk out the Heart Break Hotel, because no woman is worth half the crap you put yourself through. That usually means, inevitably you will have to confront that big ass demon that's been haunting your dreams, but you find out it's not half as tough as thought it would be.. getting there is always the challenge, and I think anyone who can just stand up after getting **** on, have a cry or two, and get on with it, was probably not really in love, or only half human.
lostmirthfulness Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 2 1/2 months of break up. Haven't heard from her in a month. Not expecting to ever hear from her again, regardless of how messed up she knew I was. Shes not missing me, shes with her new dude. Our 4 years and some months was all gone to her within 3 weeks of us breaking up. Talk about a slap in the face. In the end the only thing I am left with is me and my will to continue on.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Aw hun It must be her way of coping with the break up, I guess we all have different ways of coping, I would imagine it is because she found the break up painful. When me and my ex broke up the 2nd time, I said to him this time I need NC as I need to cut him out of my life and move on, otherwise it is too painful. I did it because I cared and not because I didn't. I would be cut up if he had said NC this time. Although maybe you will be better off than me in the long run, if there is no 2nd chance for me, then I might be making things worse for myself by having contact. But, I know where you are coming from and I am thankful I have the choice to see him. Please don't apologise for your threads. I often think I am back at square one, but grief doesn't go in a straight line at all, I don't think we can go back to square one as we are further down the line. I feel so alone. My ex, the dumper, said we should go our separate ways and I haven't heard from her in 3.5 months. No texts, no emails, no phone calls, nothing. Not a word. She has initiated the NC, instead of the other way around. Everyone else on here it seems have exes that text them, tell them they miss them, want to be friends with them etc. Or the dumpee initiated NC, and even in this case the exes come snooping around! Why is my case so different?? I didn't even get the chance to initiate NC. She got all the power. I was far from perfect but I didn't cheat or abuse or demean or beg or plead or harass (though she knew I was torn up by it). What did I do to deserve this? Why can't my ex be like all other dumpers, and actually ask how I'm doing, ask to be friends or whatever? Why is mine so seemingly cold? There wasn't even a fight when we broke up. Please tell me I'm not the only one who was completely abandoned like this. I'm sorry for my last couple of threads. I'm having a tough time, seems almost like back to the first weeks, where I was on LS 24/7.
Meaplus3 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Nah, your not alone. It's common to go through these issues with an ex. Look, I know it hurts right now, but if you can keep up with NC you will be passed the R before you know it. Keep your chin up and don't let this get you down. Best wishes. Mea:)
hopesndreams Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 She's given you the gift of NC. She knew how torn up you were and this is her way of helping you heal. It's a shame you didn't get any closure but most explanations for someone ending things is just a made up bunch of lies anyway. When you get dumped your feelings of love don't go away any time soon, we all know this. You love em but the feelings of rejection, from the love of your life, is what you need to work through too. You think being in contact with her would help you sort out your feelings and she can help you get over her by letting you in on her fantastic life and asking you how your miserable day was? Wrong! To be in contact is hurtful to your emotional well being and prevents you from moving forward with your life.
red_cloud Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 It happens, believe me. Like someone said, there could be many different reasons why she's not contacting you, from feeling too guilty to being dead. While its not that easy to accept, do realize that the opinion of ONE person does not matter that much in the long term.
Author soheartbroken Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Wow. I honestly thought this thread was dead, and 19 of you have replied! I don't feel quite so alone now. As a lot of you have said, I'll probably never know why she did it, so I have to live with that. The only reason I want to hear from her is to know that she knows I still exist. I don't need any closure because like H&D said, it's all BS anyway. I don't know if she's in a new relationship and I don't want to know. If she has moved on this fast after 5 years together, I would be destroyed all over again. Thank you all for these replies.
red_cloud Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Wow. I honestly thought this thread was dead, and 19 of you have replied! I don't feel quite so alone now. As a lot of you have said, I'll probably never know why she did it, so I have to live with that. The only reason I want to hear from her is to know that she knows I still exist. I don't need any closure because like H&D said, it's all BS anyway. I don't know if she's in a new relationship and I don't want to know. If she has moved on this fast after 5 years together, I would be destroyed all over again. Thank you all for these replies. The truth is, you have no idea what she thinks. I still think about the hearts I've broken many years ago occasionally. I feel guilty and sometimes I wonder whether karma is coming back to me. I know my ex bf feels guilty for the way his last relationship ended and he knows he messed that one up. Since you don't have the ability to read minds, you can't assume what she is thinking or not thinking. You can just move on and realize that she's not the person any more you fell in love with.. and that's a fact.
Seymore Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Wow nothing after 3.5 months??? I would call her and ask her if she's human This is a ridiculous statement. I was a dumper and stayed NC since the breakup, for my own healing. My ex was emotionally abusive, which makes it a slightly different story, but still - to call someone inhuman because of that is offensive. We have our own reasons, and if the OP is so curious and wants to talk, why not give it a try?
HeavenOrHell Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Well said, I agree. This is a ridiculous statement. I was a dumper and stayed NC since the breakup, for my own healing. My ex was emotionally abusive, which makes it a slightly different story, but still - to call someone inhuman because of that is offensive. We have our own reasons, and if the OP is so curious and wants to talk, why not give it a try?
Beeotch Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Wow nothing after 3.5 months??? I would call her and ask her if she's human I hope you're kidding....
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