USMCHokie Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 So while sitting in line at the barber shop today, I started thinking about why we allow ourselves to wallow in the pain and self-pity while coping with a breakup for as long as we do...and I think we almost want to feel bad...feeling sad over the loss of an ex in some ways makes us feel better inside...so we drag it out for as long as we can...in no particular order and in no way a comprehensive list: (1) Sadness is an emotion...when we break up with someone, we miss feeling a strong emotion towards another...whether it's lust, infatuation, love, or in this case, sadness and longing...if we allow ourselves to feel bad, then at least we're still feeling, right...? (2) It keeps alive some connection or link to our ex...even though they're gone and far away, feeling bad about him/her leaving still gives us some emotional connection to that ex...and we hold onto that connection as long as we can... (3) It makes us feel like the victim...if we're still sad and our ex is not, then we must have been the victim of the breakup...it must have been their fault...even though the breakup may very well be our own fault or a combination of both, we convince ourselves that we were wronged by our ex since we still have feelings for them and want the relationship back... (4) We get attention from others...if we're sad and mopey, people will ask if we're ok, listen to our problems, and try to help make us feel better...sometimes we all need that kind of ego stroking to pick us up... (5) We use it as a reason not to pick ourselves up and move on with life...we feel content just sitting around moping...instead of fixing the issues that plagued the broken relationship...instead of getting to the gym or running trails to work on our physical fitness...instead of getting out, socializing again, and meeting new people...basically, we're happy just being lazy... (6) We think that if we stay sad and "committed" to the "relationship," our exes will eventually come around and want to get back together with us...I think that one is a biggie...something that we don't consciously do, but I think each one of us would agree that the thought is or was buried deep down inside all of us...but life doesn't work that way...we can't let our exes or their feelings guide our actions in life... Lately I've been finding myself wallowing in the grief and singing along "happily" to sad breakup songs that remind me of her...going to sleep at night to a playlist of Rascal Flatts...I almost felt a certain comfort when I thought about how much I missed her and looked back at how wonderful our relationship had been... And then it suddenly hit me that there's no reason for me to be sad...we all know through experience and the experience of others that we will find someone better (or more right for us)...yet we subconsciously want to remain stagnant...not moving forward...not making ourselves available for that better person to come into our lives...we're almost content the way we are...sad and lonely... At this point, we should all understand and accept that the vast majority of relationships fail...or else we'd all marry our high school sweethearts and there'd be no divorces...but each relationship is a learning experience...just another step to finding the person that completes us...and that person that we complete... If we allow ourselves to get stuck too long in one place thinking about an old relationship or an old ex, we can't move forward and look for the next relationship experience...and we'll never get closer to finding the one for us...
DenverBachelor Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 For me, it was the realization one morning that the sun felt good on my face, the universe was filled with possibilities and to spend my entire existence lost in memories was to effectively commit spiritual suicide. I think a lot of people lean towards spiritual suicide because they just can't reconcile the fact that someone they loved so much has left them. Until God himself leaves me, I have something to live for and I do believe as I grow older that there is a thread that runs through all our hearts and we sometimes can feel that gentle pull from a distance even when they are far away. You just have to realize that it's a big world and a HUGE universe and that God loves you and always will and that one person's opinion of you should not be the definition you place on yourself. You need to take the love, smile, shove it in a pocket in your heart and live your life. Trust me, you'll be a much nobler person from the experience of great loss and I do believe God understands that and other people will see that.
DenverBachelor Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Ps: The most compassionate and wisest people I have ever met in my life were the one's that lost the greatest in the department of love. If you think you're hurting, imagine losing your wife, two kids and mother and father in a plane crash as they were coming home to you. Put that in perspective when you mull over your ex. If he could find God and move on, I'm sure all of us can do so.
mendsley Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Great observation, I never really thought about things like this way and after you mention it ....... you are probably correct. Maybe it is the simple fact that you are left in the cold and need some atention since ours is directed to someone else now. Makes you think about WTF the mind is up to? Good post
stace79 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I don't agree for the most part, except for #6. I definitely know that I'm afraid of letting my feelings for my ex-fiance to subside, because I do want him to come back. And I want to still be in love with him and I want our R to reach its full potential. Other than that, I disagree... I am focusing on picking myself up, self-improving, I am sick of people watching me out of the corner of their eye like "is she going to break down again", and I do not like the attention I get when I look like crap b/c I cried myself to sleep!
mickleb Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Ps: The most compassionate and wisest people I have ever met in my life were the one's that lost the greatest in the department of love. If you think you're hurting, imagine losing your wife, two kids and mother and father in a plane crash as they were coming home to you. Put that in perspective when you mull over your ex. If he could find God and move on, I'm sure all of us can do so. Humbling. (Except for the God part. I have no interest in finding 'him', personally.) USMCH- You are doing great. This is a very good stage you find yourself at. Good for you. x
red_cloud Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I don't agree for the most part, except for #6. I definitely know that I'm afraid of letting my feelings for my ex-fiance to subside, because I do want him to come back. And I want to still be in love with him and I want our R to reach its full potential. Other than that, I disagree... I am focusing on picking myself up, self-improving, I am sick of people watching me out of the corner of their eye like "is she going to break down again", and I do not like the attention I get when I look like crap b/c I cried myself to sleep! What he says is very true on a subconscious level. The same thing has been observed with people who are chronically ill or don't have success losing weight - its not that they want to be sick or be fat - in fact, they go to hospitals for treatment and waste lots of money on diets and exercise. But its not until these people actively realize how staying sick or fat keeps them "safe" that they begin to make progress. I'm pretty sure that most people, including myself, have a hard time letting go of a relationship because of fear of the unknown, whether you want to admit it or not. I mean, yes, we still love our ex's and miss them, but if you knew that the perfect person was waiting for you around the corner, waiting for you to pick yourself up and be happy - it would be much easier doing so because the unknown is taken away.
soheartbroken Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Yes. Fear of the unknown is a big deal for me. If someone could guarantee that the perfect person was waiting just around the corner...I don't know. I still want my ex back, because she is who she is. She's not simply replaceable. This isn't about me being in a couple, it's about being with her. Sadly, 4.5 months down the road, I still desperately want her back. But I'm not actively pursuing her or strategizing to get her back. I just hope this will go away.
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