How do you deal with it, when do you dont know what you did wrong?

[imSushi]

I got advice that it would be better for me to talk it out with someone. So, here's how it goes.

 

I have been with this girl for nearly six years now, or would have been. We had our share of drama, fights, arguments, you name it. But in the end, we always resolved it and were happy together. Our life was going great up until the beginning of October and on October 31st is when it all changed completely.

In the beginning of October we started arguing more and more, and we started to annoy each other. We had our talks to each other and we tried to resolve our issues. It gotten to a point where she wanted to break up, except it turned out to be a lie. When she said she wanted to break up, I told her; "Ok.". Because I promised her before if she wanted to walk, I would no longer try and stop her. She was free. I love her enough to let her go if it means she will be happy. But back to the point, it came to the conclusion she did not want to break up. It wasn't the first time she pulled off something like that. So over the last weekend before October 21st, I told her we need to talk in person. We met up and we talked.

 

I asked her what is it exactly that she wanted. She told me that she wants me, she wants to have a future with me, and she wants to stay with me. It's just that the problems we have of arguing, and all that non-sense. She said she was not sure what she wanted to do. I decided this. I broke down in tears and told her we need to break up because I cannot be the only one trying to make our relationship work. Because that pretty much is what I was doing. I was always trying to make things right between us, and if she tried as well, it just did not show. But she said she was trying so I believed her. But anyways, when I said that to her that we are breaking up she became devastated. She broke down in tears, crying so much, she didn't even know what to do with her hands or feet. It hurt me so bad to see her like that, I started to cry even more. I held her hands; she was jumping from fear asking what she is going to do without me. I did not know what to do, we both stood there for half hour just crying and comforting each other. And then it hit me. What the **** am I doing? I cannot be without her, I need her in my life. I cannot do this; I cannot break up with her. So I spoke out and said, "alright, we can fix us, we don't have to break up, I love you, I really do." At that point I got this unexplainable feeling, it was amazing. It was as if I got a flash of my future, and it was with her. I saw me having a family with her, growing old with her, and dying with her. She became extremely happy, and said she loved me too.

 

We went for a walk and ended up on my doorsteps where we set together and I held her in my arms. As we set there, she said something along the line of; "Is it weird that we are back together now?" Meaning after what just happened, we are in a state where we are once again happy together. I said to her yes, but I am willing to fight through it. Finally, it came to the point where she wanted a break. At first I was pissed off because she always changed her mind on what she wanted between us. But I calmed down and said ok, we can take a break if that is what she wants. This is where it all really started going downhill, I think. It was Saturday and it was supposed to be the last time we spoke until the point where she would come to me and say she is ready for the break to be over. I was prepared to conquer this and put myself on hold. She left, and we decided to see each other one more time on Sunday and we did. On Sunday we concluded that we can see each other every holiday so we can spend it together. We talked on how much were going to miss each other, how we wish this break will "fix us", and went all the way to how we want to spend our life's together. Our talks were so emotional, and I meant every single bit of it. This was the girl that has been with me for nearly six years, it was the girl that I was willing to happily give my life for. But she, I do not think she meant it when she said she could not live without me, or that she wants to be with me, and all that. Let me tell you why. On Monday we said our last goodbye before our break would start. Tuesday was silent, we did not speak or see each other, just how we planned. And I was expecting the next weeks to be like this until Halloween, it was hard but I tried my hardest. Wednesday comes and I get a text from her saying, "I decided I am moving on. It's all I could think about at work. I will detail you later today, or tomorrow, or on Friday." I became stiff literally; I was unable to move for a straight minute. I texted back saying the only thing I was able, "ok".

 

The next day she sent me an email. It was the last time I have heard from her. In the email she said "Heres whats going to happen"

She followed by saying she concluded that she did not trust me, or my past. She actually got the nerve to say that she does not believe anything I have ever said to her, she said if I run into her she does not expect me to say anything, and the most devastating, she said if she EVER even needs me, she is never going to call me. Just reading that yet again hurts so badly.

 

Guy's here is the truth.

 

 

I have not done ANYTHING to make her lose her trust in me. In those near six years of being with her, I promise you that not ONCE did I ever lie to her. Never ever, not even a white lie. I was more honest with her then anyone on the planet. I did so many things for her both small and big, to show how much I really did and do love her. I drove to a different state for her, I left her tiny surprises here and there, I would leave her stuff by her car while she was at work so she can be surprised when she comes back. I dedicated all those years of my life to her, did so much for her, dealt with so many things for her, and in the end she told me all those things, it's just so painful I cannot even explain it.

 

 

After she sent me the email, she would not reply to anything which I tried contacting her with. I gave up, my hope is gone. Soon some of her friends started to speak with me and I found out something awful. This incident goes back a month before all this, somewhere in September. Here is what happened there with her. It was around 11:30pm and we were texting each other. She said she was going out for a walk around her apartment complex outside for 10-15 min. I said alright, be safe. And I was going to shower in the meantime. She said she would text me when she got home from her walk. Forty minutes pass, I am out of the shower sitting waiting for her to text back. I start to get worried so I text her asking if everything is ok, and ask if she is still walking around. She texts back saying, "yes, text you when im home". 20 minutes pass and still nothing. So I text her again, asking, still walking around? I get nothing back for about another 20 minutes when she finally texts back saying "Hey yes, sorry my friend was in the neighborhood so I hung out with him, and then I had to drive him to friends house because his car was broken" I think to myself, it's almost one in the morning, and shes hanging out with a guy outside without even letting me know?

I start talking to her about it but she wasn't getting the point that it was wrong for not even letting me know, especially when I texted her the first time asking if she is still walking around. She texted back saying yes, but she didn't say she was meeting up with a guy. We talked and I decided to let it go, and tell her to next time tell me instead of being dishonest with me. BUT NOW, lets go back to the present.

 

 

After talking to her friends after that email she sent me, this is what I found out. She did not just "run into him" and hung out. They actually planned to come out and hang out for a little bit. She lied to me, and now all I think about is what else did she lie about, what exactly did she do that night with that guy? she was probably cheating on me and I was too stupid to see it. But its all over now, I still love her to death and I have to deal with this pain everyday. A heartbreak isn't an expression, it really does hurt your heart.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The moral is, girls do make boys cry.

[columbia]

Im going through the same sort of thing. First, stay strong. I can say that, and you can hear it, but it doesnt change the fact that we will BOTH be weak for sometime. My ex left me for my best friend after 3.5 years, gave me no reason, said nothing negative, just left and hasnt spoken to me since. What happened is something changed in her, not you, and not in anything you did.

 

I have two theories, and they explain behavior like this. The first is age. Is she in her 20s? This is when mental illness manifests itself, and something totally innocent can cause a terrible cascade in a person. The second, which is what I am fairly sure happened to my relationship, is drugs. Sometimes someone will get stressed out, a friend will give them an anti-anxiety or depressant, with no ill intent, and they will change. This is what I saw happen to my girlfriend. She withdrew from me, dyed her hair, stopped being a vegetarian and began dating my best friend, before she had broken up with me.

 

The most important thing I can say is, from what Ive read, its not your fault. We all make sacrifices. I too left my state to be with her, gave up alot, but however she is thinking, it is selfishly. Im not going to say that there isnt any chance in the future, because the roads of a relationship often cross many times, so it isnt necessarily the last time you will see one another, but it is important to focus on you. Her issue was with herself, she lashed out at you, as people do against those who love them most, and you are the one who suffers.

 

Stay busy, connect with friends, and do what you can to not think about it. Anything you do now will only make the situation worse. Be strong. And if you don't mind, I would like to pray for you. I am not religious, but I find that prayer has helped me in my last few weeks, and hopefully will for the rest of my life.

 

Good luck, and don't let the ocean seem too big, there are alot of us spinning around in our boats out here.

[XKatieX]

I don't understand why she felt the need to say she didn't trust you when you did nothing to break her trust, YET she is the one that broke your trust. I am a woman, but still some women confuse me. Maybe she was just afraid to confess and she didn't want to look like the bad guy? Idk, but that's still a horrible thing to do to someone. I would just give her NC, see if she comes around or not and maybe she will do some explaining, if not only thing you can do is let go and always be strong.

[imSushi]

Im going through the same sort of thing. First, stay strong. I can say that, and you can hear it, but it doesnt change the fact that we will BOTH be weak for sometime. My ex left me for my best friend after 3.5 years, gave me no reason, said nothing negative, just left and hasnt spoken to me since. What happened is something changed in her, not you, and not in anything you did.

 

I have two theories, and they explain behavior like this. The first is age. Is she in her 20s? This is when mental illness manifests itself, and something totally innocent can cause a terrible cascade in a person. The second, which is what I am fairly sure happened to my relationship, is drugs. Sometimes someone will get stressed out, a friend will give them an anti-anxiety or depressant, with no ill intent, and they will change. This is what I saw happen to my girlfriend. She withdrew from me, dyed her hair, stopped being a vegetarian and began dating my best friend, before she had broken up with me.

 

The most important thing I can say is, from what Ive read, its not your fault. We all make sacrifices. I too left my state to be with her, gave up alot, but however she is thinking, it is selfishly. Im not going to say that there isnt any chance in the future, because the roads of a relationship often cross many times, so it isnt necessarily the last time you will see one another, but it is important to focus on you. Her issue was with herself, she lashed out at you, as people do against those who love them most, and you are the one who suffers.

 

Stay busy, connect with friends, and do what you can to not think about it. Anything you do now will only make the situation worse. Be strong. And if you don't mind, I would like to pray for you. I am not religious, but I find that prayer has helped me in my last few weeks, and hopefully will for the rest of my life.

 

Good luck, and don't let the ocean seem too big, there are alot of us spinning around in our boats out here.

 

 

I know she wasn't taking anything. All I know is she left me with no reason that I know. I love her so much, and the amount I miss her is unbearable. The thing that hurts the most is that after everything I have done for her, after all the times I showed her, not told her, but showed her how deeply I love her, out of nowhere she says she does not trust me and does not believe anything I have ever told her. That, that is what hurts me the most.

 

I don't understand why she felt the need to say she didn't trust you when you did nothing to break her trust, YET she is the one that broke your trust. I am a woman, but still some women confuse me. Maybe she was just afraid to confess and she didn't want to look like the bad guy? Idk, but that's still a horrible thing to do to someone. I would just give her NC, see if she comes around or not and maybe she will do some explaining, if not only thing you can do is let go and always be strong.

 

That is the same question I ask myself every morning I wake up. 90% of my day, I always think about her. She was not afraid I am sure, being near 6 years together we have been together through thin and deep. We talked to each other about stuff we would not even talk to our families.

 

It hurts knowing this is the person she suddenly became, I hate it. But I am so deeply in love with her that I would do anything just to be with her. Just to lay down next to her and fall asleep together. I miss everything we had, everything we ever did. Now, I even miss our fights. How could she do this to me after all the times she said she loved me? Literally over night, she went from telling me she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, to telling me she never trusted me.

[ADF]

OP, first of all, this post could have been a lot shorter. We need a general idea of what the problem is. We don;t need a second by second account of everything that went on around Halloween.

 

That said, there seems to be way tto much drama, bad blood, and chaos in this relationship. It is driving both of you nuts. Let it go.

[imSushi]

OP, first of all, this post could have been a lot shorter. We need a general idea of what the problem is. We don;t need a second by second account of everything that went on around Halloween.

 

That said, there seems to be way tto much drama, bad blood, and chaos in this relationship. It is driving both of you nuts. Let it go.

 

 

You did not understand the story did you? Or you may have not read it. But what was said, had to be said to show just how much it doesn't make any sense.

[billy356]

Her lashing out about not trusting you is a direct result from her "emotionally cheating" on you. She had feelings of guilt about it and the easiest way to process that is for her to convince herself that you are being dishonest too, that it is your fault.

 

Same thing happened with my ex. We were together 5 years, she cheated on me in the last 3 months and started examining me with a microscope to find something I had done dishonestly. Went through my wallet, went through my voicemails, went through my email and FB...all accompanied by wild accusations that made no sense. Plain and simple it was guilt.

 

There is no magic formula other than NC and time. It will suck for a long time but then it wont suck as much. You got the raw end of the deal on this one, but you have learned somethings to look out for next time around. Dont become guarded with your emotions as a result of this, just become more aware.

 

wishing you the best...

[TimH]

imSushi,

 

If you have the time please read this site in depth.It wont stop the pain but will give you a lot of insight into human nature and relationships.You are one among many that have gone or are going thru hell.The term "Life Is Unfair" is what your experiencing first hand.I believe there are two types of people when it comes to relationships,one type that Loves unconditionally & the other type conditionally.The worst part of it is,its impossible to tell the difference between the two types until after your well into the relationship.It's a gamble and now you know which type you have.So sorry....