Tizzy Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 My ex and I broke up on Thanksgiving, this past Thursday. It was tough but it was our second breakup so somehow the blow wasn't as bad this time. Not that I saw it coming, but I knew things hadn't been happy for a while and neither of us knew how to fix it. We were in an ugly downward spiral and neither knew how to stop it. I was at least willing to hang around and try to work on the issues, get some outside help if need be for the relationship but he refused to change, said he is who he is, and said it was time to let it go, he was tired of being unhappy. So just like that we were done after a year's worth of being together. To help me have a realistic picture of the relationship and to keep me from wanting to get back with him and to keep me from deluding myself that getting back with him is an option, I went to my parents house, ate T-day dinner with my family, slept, then woke up and made myself a written list in pen of my ex's PROS and CONS. At first, the PROS side was longer and I couldn't think of too many negative things. But when I started getting really honest with myself about the relationship and what about it pissed me off, made me unhappy, was unfulfilling or made me sad, the CONS side of the paper got so full that I ran out of space! Every time I start missing my ex or feeling the urge to call him or email him or feel the urge to say "Hey babe let's give it another try", I pull out that sheet of paper and look at the list I made. IT HELPS SO MUCH!! Seeing it in black and white, seeing why I was unhappy about the relationship, seeing things about my ex that weren't working for me, made me realize that while it's okay to miss him, it's not okay to want to be back with someone not willing to work on the issues and who has filled up a while side of my paper with things I find unfavorable. In making your list be completely honest and put down every single little thing about your ex and your relationship you didn't like, no matter how trivial. It may seem trivial but if it comes to your mind then it's worth writing down. The good thing about having the PROS there also is that you realize this person had some good qualities and did some good things that made this relationship not a waste of your time, but a learning experience. You learned more about what it is you like, want and need in a relationship. This person may not have ended up being the person for you but they were not a total waste of your time. That is the only purpose the PROS side of the paper has served me. That he was a nice guy to an extent but not the one for me because of all the CONS on the right side of the paper that I took serious issue with and that he was unwilling to address or work on. I hope this exercise helps someone. Be sure to look at your paper every single time you feel like relapsing, crying, calling, whatever. It really helps. It stops the tears, it stops the regret, it helps you realize what you must have in your next relationship (when you're ready for it) and what you appreciated about the one that did not work. Good luck in moving on.
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