Finally spoke to him after 4 days NC

[CCNowWhat]

He say he still loves me. He doesn't want to lose me in his life. I asked him why and he said that because we love each other, care about each other, have a good time together etc. So I said that why won't you be with me. He says its because he has to give his marriage one last shot. He said he never was invested in their marriage/relationship and he needs to see if he can work it out for his kid. I wonder how to does one get something back that they never had to begin with (this was his own words mind you)

 

No matter what happens btwn them (which is probably nothing anyway) he will never leave. I have to face that fact. I asked him if she has said anything to him about the fact that he said he was leaving and she said nothing because she knows all she had to do was run her mouth off and he wasn't going anywhere. She never even got upset, when he said he was leaving she said go ahead leave then.

 

I am crushed, im not gonna lie. I don't know what to do. I can't be in his life anymore, I just can't. My whole world is falling apart. He is going back to work on a relationship where the other person just doesn't give a f about him. I almost wish that they did have something to go back on but they dont. This is a man who is more worried about what other people think of him for what he does then worrying about his own happiness.

 

I guess I was the ingredient that had to be tossed out. Its hard. I am a mess. I keep thinking he is going to miss me (which he said he would) and come back but I don't know that for sure and why do I have to feel that I have to wait for that?

[fooled once]

He say he still loves me. He doesn't want to lose me in his life. I asked him why and he said that because we love each other, care about each other, have a good time together etc. So I said that why won't you be with me. He says its because he has to give his marriage one last shot. He said he never was invested in their marriage/relationship and he needs to see if he can work it out for his kid. I wonder how to does one get something back that they never had to begin with (this was his own words mind you)

 

No matter what happens btwn them (which is probably nothing anyway) he will never leave. I have to face that fact. I asked him if she has said anything to him about the fact that he said he was leaving and she said nothing because she knows all she had to do was run her mouth off and he wasn't going anywhere. She never even got upset, when he said he was leaving she said go ahead leave then.

 

I am crushed, im not gonna lie. I don't know what to do. I can't be in his life anymore, I just can't. My whole world is falling apart. He is going back to work on a relationship where the other person just doesn't give a f about him. I almost wish that they did have something to go back on but they dont. This is a man who is more worried about what other people think of him for what he does then worrying about his own happiness.

 

I guess I was the ingredient that had to be tossed out. Its hard. I am a mess. I keep thinking he is going to miss me (which he said he would) and come back but I don't know that for sure and why do I have to feel that I have to wait for that?

 

You really don't know what is going on in their marriage (hug) you only kno what he is telling you. Of course he is going to tell you she didn't care - because he doesn't want to lose you; he wants sympathy from you, etc.

 

You want to wait because you are lonely. You don't have enough confidence in yourself. You have isolated yourself because being in an Affair with a MM isn't exactly something that people shout out to the world.

 

You have to let him go. You have to stop talking to him. No matter how much it hurts, it isn't going to get better because as you have said, he isn't leaving. He wants to work on his marriage. that alone should tell you that is isn't over between him and his wife.

 

You can be angry at his wife, but it won't change anything. She, like you, doesn't want to lose this loser for whatever reason. She has history with him, she has a commitment to him, she has a child with him. IF they can work out their issues so their child can grow up with both parents ~ that would be good. Think of the child involved - the innocent child. If possible, that child deserves its parents to be together in a loving family.

 

I know you are angry and hurting - but put the anger where it belongs - on HIM. Get angry at him for inviting you into a relationship with him when he was already committed to another person. Get mad at him for hurting you.

 

(hug)

[CCNowWhat]

You really don't know what is going on in their marriage (hug) you only kno what he is telling you. Of course he is going to tell you she didn't care - because he doesn't want to lose you; he wants sympathy from you, etc.

 

You want to wait because you are lonely. You don't have enough confidence in yourself. You have isolated yourself because being in an Affair with a MM isn't exactly something that people shout out to the world.

 

You have to let him go. You have to stop talking to him. No matter how much it hurts, it isn't going to get better because as you have said, he isn't leaving. He wants to work on his marriage. that alone should tell you that is isn't over between him and his wife.

 

You can be angry at his wife, but it won't change anything. She, like you, doesn't want to lose this loser for whatever reason. She has history with him, she has a commitment to him, she has a child with him. IF they can work out their issues so their child can grow up with both parents ~ that would be good. Think of the child involved - the innocent child. If possible, that child deserves its parents to be together in a loving family.

 

I know you are angry and hurting - but put the anger where it belongs - on HIM. Get angry at him for inviting you into a relationship with him when he was already committed to another person. Get mad at him for hurting you.

 

(hug)

 

I know how she is and its not just based on what he tells me. He lied to me in the sense that he said he was working on us ending up together but when the **** hit the fan he went back. oh well I lose I have to get over it. she doesnt want him, I know she doesn't but he wants to salvage a non existent relationship. He has even told me it wasnt going to work out, seriously someone give me a gun so I can just blow my ****ing brains out.

[fooled once]

I know how she is and its not just based on what he tells me. He lied to me in the sense that he said he was working on us ending up together but when the **** hit the fan he went back. oh well I lose I have to get over it. she doesnt want him, I know she doesn't but he wants to salvage a non existent relationship. He has even told me it wasnt going to work out, seriously someone give me a gun so I can just blow my ****ing brains out.

 

 

Please don't joke about suicide ~ especially over a guy who definitely isn't worth it.

 

Be thankful that you haven't invested even more time with him.

 

Try to ignore his marriage and what you believe is their marriage. It really isn't your concern if they love or hate each other. It isn't your concern if they decide to stay in a marriage where there is no love. Be glad you are NOT involved in a triangle anymore. Be glad that at least you now KNOW he isn't leaving, no matter how unhappy he claims to be. I would seriously wonder just how 'unhappy' he truly is

 

You survived before him; you will survive after him. Maybe a little more on guard, maybe a little less trusting ~ but you will go on and you will find happiness again. One day, you will look back and realize how GLAD you are to have not been "picked".

 

Go where you are celebrated! Don't waste anymore heartache on a guy who wasn't worth it!! (hug)

[2sunny]

his words don't match his actions - so just don't talk to him anymore. there is no point - he isn't giving you anything but what you want to hear in order to keep you hanging on to hope. what's the point? to wait longer and longer?

 

so don't wait - get out there and start living! don't even look back.

[CCNowWhat]

Thanks for listening to me vent. I can't help but keep thinking that I want his wife to know about me. I just don't know if I should let her know, im struggling with this, yes I want revenge.

 

I have a close friend of mine that was married that had an affair years ago (so was he). They knew each other for years. She left her husband to be with him and he never did. She asked him- do you love me? he said he didnt know. She told him to leave, He led her to believe they were going to be together. She wrote his wife a letter and had delivered it to her. Well he turned around and called her crazy, a stalker, you name it he called her it. Meanwhile the guy didnt even want to be with her!! Fast forward almost a year later, guess who comes knocking on the door......yeh its true they all come back. He told her lets start over blah blah blah. She had actually met someone new that she was interested in (thats another story- he ended up being a huge ahole) and told him that it was done, over, period. All these years she finally broke up with that other dbag (5 yrs) and guess who contacted her? oh the mm who is still married, says he misses her and has thought about her every single day blah blah blah. Now he is back but still married. What the **** is wrong these guys, you stay with women you dont love or want to be with? who does that

 

I know he is going to come back and I dont want him to. I want to just forget ever knowing him. I know you guys dont know my whole story but this man and I have been so close and for it all to waste away to nothing is just killing me.

[hopeless4u]

Sounds like you need a hug...BIG HUGS to you.

Me and my xMM have had similar conversations but his W loves him and thats his reason for not being able to leave.

Men like them will NEVER leave, they have no balls and no backbone!!

I'm still friends with my xMM but I see him very different now. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has no backbone, who can't think for himself, I know I don't.

I still love my xMM but he isn't that man, the man he is when he is with me is a fraud, if he was that man we'd be together tonight and I wouldn't be on here!

The real xMM is sat at home with his W, doing what he is good at.....avoiding his problems!!

 

Like you I would love his W to know about me, she has made the decision to work on their M with only half the facts but F**K IT! He's made his bed, let him lie in it.

I woke up this morning and for the first time in such a long time I felt relaxed. I can finally see that it is him who will have regrets not me. I love him and I'm glad we shared the last 2 years, I have some fantastic memories and I will cherish those memories but I won't sit around and waste my life waiting for him to make a decision that I know he will never make. His loss!!!

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on, he has told you he's made his choice, be thankful, cherish the good memories and wish him a long and ****ty life:p

[justageek]

Sounds like you need a hug...BIG HUGS to you.

Me and my xMM have had similar conversations but his W loves him and thats his reason for not being able to leave.

Men like them will NEVER leave, they have no balls and no backbone!!

I'm still friends with my xMM but I see him very different now. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has no backbone, who can't think for himself, I know I don't.

I still love my xMM but he isn't that man, the man he is when he is with me is a fraud, if he was that man we'd be together tonight and I wouldn't be on here!

The real xMM is sat at home with his W, doing what he is good at.....avoiding his problems!!

 

Like you I would love his W to know about me, she has made the decision to work on their M with only half the facts but F**K IT! He's made his bed, let him lie in it.

I woke up this morning and for the first time in such a long time I felt relaxed. I can finally see that it is him who will have regrets not me. I love him and I'm glad we shared the last 2 years, I have some fantastic memories and I will cherish those memories but I won't sit around and waste my life waiting for him to make a decision that I know he will never make. His loss!!!

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on, he has told you he's made his choice, be thankful, cherish the good memories and wish him a long and ****ty life:p

 

 

these are spot on words. take this advice. its going to be a hard week but you will slowly pull through.. lots of hugs to you. i feel your pain. x

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for listening to me vent. I can't help but keep thinking that I want his wife to know about me. I just don't know if I should let her know, im struggling with this, yes I want revenge.

 

I have a close friend of mine that was married that had an affair years ago (so was he). They knew each other for years. She left her husband to be with him and he never did. She asked him- do you love me? he said he didnt know. She told him to leave, He led her to believe they were going to be together. She wrote his wife a letter and had delivered it to her. Well he turned around and called her crazy, a stalker, you name it he called her it. Meanwhile the guy didnt even want to be with her!! Fast forward almost a year later, guess who comes knocking on the door......yeh its true they all come back. He told her lets start over blah blah blah. She had actually met someone new that she was interested in (thats another story- he ended up being a huge ahole) and told him that it was done, over, period. All these years she finally broke up with that other dbag (5 yrs) and guess who contacted her? oh the mm who is still married, says he misses her and has thought about her every single day blah blah blah. Now he is back but still married. What the **** is wrong these guys, you stay with women you dont love or want to be with? who does that

 

I know he is going to come back and I dont want him to. I want to just forget ever knowing him. I know you guys dont know my whole story but this man and I have been so close and for it all to waste away to nothing is just killing me.

 

 

What's wrong with these guys? Hmmm interesting question with several possible answers.

 

1) his character issues were there when you met him. He was cheating with you on a woman he labeled "horrible"

 

2)he is a liar. He lied to his wife about you, to you about his wife and to himself that he was worthy of any one's love based on his actions.

 

3)He says she doesn't want him, so the logical conclusion is he wants her, or at least he wants something she has to offer. Whether it is (real or imagined)the victim image that she allows him to occupy. The security of someone picking up, washing and putting away his skid marked undies while he waves his stump around in someone all the while professing his love. Maybe he wants the security of being viewed as an upstanding family man that only he can dream about really being.

 

4)He is a cake eater. He likes having 2 or more women in his life so that he can play the role of roaming romeo all the while have all the women wonder how they can please him so that he "might" chose them.

 

5)He is screwed up mentally and has no clue how to deal with adult issues like a responsible adult. He runs from the true issues instead of facing them head on and finding ways to resolve conflicts, concerns and underlying issues.

 

6)He is just a big ole pile of steaming cow plop.

 

7) All of the above 10 fold.

 

A better question might be, why did I find myself in this position. Why did I allow someone to walk in my life, walk over my feelings, and why did I allow it to make the thought of suicide even cross my thoughts. There will never be answers that will fully satisfy this question. Liars don't have the answers, so why expect them? An immature mentality can only produce immature actions.

[Ellin]

People have all different issues that they have no control over and don't know how to deal with. For example he may have fear of abandonment, so if his wife acts as if she doesn't care and tells him to go, he feels he has to prove her wrong. Yes, some people are just cowards or feel unable to deal with their entangled emotions.

 

Don't take it personally as if his action reflect on your value. These are his problems and he doesn't seem to be able to face them.

 

I know how much it hurts. Please hold on and keep posting.

 

HUGS

[CCNowWhat]

What's wrong with these guys? Hmmm interesting question with several possible answers.

 

1) his character issues were there when you met him. He was cheating with you on a woman he labeled "horrible"

 

We were friends for a long time before anything ever happened. He never labeled her horrible. He never actually talked bad about her, these are things I found out on my own.

 

2)he is a liar. He lied to his wife about you, to you about his wife and to himself that he was worthy of any one's love based on his actions.

 

I'm not sure he a liar to me. I want to call him one but he has been honest with me. I definitely don't think he feels worthy of anyones love.

 

3)He says she doesn't want him, so the logical conclusion is he wants her, or at least he wants something she has to offer. Whether it is (real or imagined)the victim image that she allows him to occupy. The security of someone picking up, washing and putting away his skid marked undies while he waves his stump around in someone all the while professing his love. Maybe he wants the security of being viewed as an upstanding family man that only he can dream about really being.

 

No she threathened to use their child against him. She doesn't do **** for him at home, she doesn't cook, barely cleans or barely showers for that matter. I don't think it will last in my opinion but I have to get over this pronto.

 

4)He is a cake eater. He likes having 2 or more women in his life so that he can play the role of roaming romeo all the while have all the women wonder how they can please him so that he "might" chose them.

 

that may be true

 

5)He is screwed up mentally and has no clue how to deal with adult issues like a responsible adult. He runs from the true issues instead of facing them head on and finding ways to resolve conflicts, concerns and underlying issues.

 

I have told him that. He has a lot of other things going on his life that are pretty serious. We communicate a lot and he has never opened up to someone like he has me. Maybe he is screwed up. I told him he has to resolve underlying problems in his life in order to change things.

 

 

6)He is just a big ole pile of steaming cow plop.

 

yeh definitely lol

 

7) All of the above 10 fold.

 

A better question might be, why did I find myself in this position. Why did I allow someone to walk in my life, walk over my feelings, and why did I allow it to make the thought of suicide even cross my thoughts. There will never be answers that will fully satisfy this question. Liars don't have the answers, so why expect them? An immature mentality can only produce immature actions.

 

I have no idea. I was by myself for 6 mths, broke up with someone I wasn't getting what I wanted from. I was single for the first time in 13 yrs!! I was like I have to learn to be by myself. Then he was just there. There was always something there btwn us. I let myself release all these deep feelings I had been holding on to for years and the same for him. I wish I could go back in time and just never opened that door.

[bentnotbroken]

Be clear with your thoughts. Listening to what others say that goes on in a home, isn't the same as knowing it yourself. Still it is hearsay, so the things you believe about her, may or may not be true. Take it with a grain of salt. As far as him opening up to you like no one else, again, may or may not be true, same grain of salt. If it is true he has a crap load of issues, you would be better served to steer clear until he can hold his own in a relationship.

 

We all have had a point where we wish we didn't do something. Now is how you define yourself in dealing with what is done.

[CCNowWhat]

Sounds like you need a hug...BIG HUGS to you.

Me and my xMM have had similar conversations but his W loves him and thats his reason for not being able to leave.

Men like them will NEVER leave, they have no balls and no backbone!!

I'm still friends with my xMM but I see him very different now. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who has no backbone, who can't think for himself, I know I don't.

I still love my xMM but he isn't that man, the man he is when he is with me is a fraud, if he was that man we'd be together tonight and I wouldn't be on here!

The real xMM is sat at home with his W, doing what he is good at.....avoiding his problems!!

 

Like you I would love his W to know about me, she has made the decision to work on their M with only half the facts but F**K IT! He's made his bed, let him lie in it.

I woke up this morning and for the first time in such a long time I felt relaxed. I can finally see that it is him who will have regrets not me. I love him and I'm glad we shared the last 2 years, I have some fantastic memories and I will cherish those memories but I won't sit around and waste my life waiting for him to make a decision that I know he will never make. His loss!!!

 

Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on, he has told you he's made his choice, be thankful, cherish the good memories and wish him a long and ****ty life:p

 

When he talked to me before he said, I will talk to you tommorrow. I am like what for? are you kidding me. He wants me in his life yet he is committing himself 100% to working on his marriage, explain that to me. Why do I even care?

[CCNowWhat]

Be clear with your thoughts. Listening to what others say that goes on in a home, isn't the same as knowing it yourself. Still it is hearsay, so the things you believe about her, may or may not be true. Take it with a grain of salt. As far as him opening up to you like no one else, again, may or may not be true, same grain of salt. If it is true he has a crap load of issues, you would be better served to steer clear until he can hold his own in a relationship.

 

We all have had a point where we wish we didn't do something. Now is how you define yourself in dealing with what is done.

 

I am trying so hard you have no idea. I am so afraid to go to work tomorrow and have a breakdown. I just my period a week early, this is unbelievable.

[CCNowWhat]

People have all different issues that they have no control over and don't know how to deal with. For example he may have fear of abandonment, so if his wife acts as if she doesn't care and tells him to go, he feels he has to prove her wrong. Yes, some people are just cowards or feel unable to deal with their entangled emotions.

 

Don't take it personally as if his action reflect on your value. These are his problems and he doesn't seem to be able to face them.

 

I know how much it hurts. Please hold on and keep posting.

 

HUGS

 

He is afraid that she will ruin his life. thats all

[bentnotbroken]

He is afraid that she will ruin his life. thats all

 

 

He is doing that all by himself. He needs no help.

[CCNowWhat]

He is doing that all by himself. He needs no help.

 

why do you say that

[CCNowWhat]

You really don't know what is going on in their marriage (hug) you only kno what he is telling you. Of course he is going to tell you she didn't care - because he doesn't want to lose you; he wants sympathy from you, etc.

 

You want to wait because you are lonely. You don't have enough confidence in yourself. You have isolated yourself because being in an Affair with a MM isn't exactly something that people shout out to the world.

 

You have to let him go. You have to stop talking to him. No matter how much it hurts, it isn't going to get better because as you have said, he isn't leaving. He wants to work on his marriage. that alone should tell you that is isn't over between him and his wife.

 

You can be angry at his wife, but it won't change anything. She, like you, doesn't want to lose this loser for whatever reason. She has history with him, she has a commitment to him, she has a child with him. IF they can work out their issues so their child can grow up with both parents ~ that would be good. Think of the child involved - the innocent child. If possible, that child deserves its parents to be together in a loving family.

 

I know you are angry and hurting - but put the anger where it belongs - on HIM. Get angry at him for inviting you into a relationship with him when he was already committed to another person. Get mad at him for hurting you.

 

(hug)

I am angry with him. I want her to know about me because I dont think he should just get away with it.

[fooled once]

But you were okay with her not knowing when it started. I know you are hurting, but striking back now isn't going to make the hurt lessen.

 

He is in control of himself. We all are. We can only control ourselves. We all have free will and make our own choices.

 

Write emails to him - but don't send them. Many times being able to express what we are feeling helps us. But don't send them.

 

As hard as it is, you are just going to have to let him go, get the anger out and let them figure out their lives. You are only in control of your life and your actions.

[bentnotbroken]

why do you say that

 

 

When you conduct yourself in an open honest manner, it is kind of hard for someone to ruin something for you. Life won't be peaches and cream, but no one can hold anything over your head. Making the choice to tell her he was unhappy, that he wanted to leave and then do it, wouldn't have given her what ammo he believes(or is lying about)that she has.

 

No matter how you slice it, there are WS who do leave because they want to. Nothing can stop them. Excuses are used by AP, BS and WS. Excuses for staying, excuses for the affairs, excuses remaining married. When it is something you don't want, you leave.

[RedDevil66]

There is a saying from a song I love and it goes "Your need for love makes you easy pray"

You have a fear of being alone, so you believed this guy and all his lies.

I understand your anger. When I was cheating with a married guy, he told me all the same lies that 99.9% of married men tell.

 

When you regain your self worth, you will never ever be vulnerable enough to fall for weak married men again.

 

Fooled has some great advice in here

[hopeless4u]

When he talked to me before he said, I will talk to you tommorrow. I am like what for? are you kidding me. He wants me in his life yet he is committing himself 100% to working on his marriage, explain that to me. Why do I even care?

 

I told my xMM about your story (we still speak and he knows I post on here) and what your xMM had done and he was like 'yeah, thats the thing thats confusing, I don't know how I'd react if I found out my W was having an A'!!!! That made me even more sure that the decision I'd made to end it was the right one!!

It will get better honey, I promise. I feel stronger every day, I don't think I'll ever stop caring about him but I know for sure I will care about ME more!!

I still have 'those thoughts' but they are not so painful now and even though he still rings me and txt's me like he always has I don't watch my phone anymore, I don't get sad if I've not heard from him.

Like I said before the men we fell in love with ARE NOT REAL, the real one's are at home with their W's telling them exactly what they've been telling us, this is how I think of him when I feel myself slipping. YOU WILL GET THERE;)

Stay strong honey x