Relapse. I feel awful.

[jlr]

Another "hang out" with the ex last night. She wants to be friends, and I want to be, well, you know, more. I was planning on meeting up with her to tell her I can't do this anymore. She really just uses me when she feels low, and then when she feels better after that, she ****s me over. It's a cycle.

 

We broke up a year ago after 5 years together. Then we were in a weird phase where we were having sex, talking, hanging out after. Then she took off again when she met some dude. She ended up contacting me a month or 2 ago when things were ****ty with him. Basically she sucked all my good energy to make her feel better, and now, this dude is coming back in the picture.

 

A month ago she said he wasn't important to her, she wasn't that into him, he was pushy and annoying about the relationship. Now I saw flowers at her house from him (I peeked in her bedroom when she was in the bathroom). A few weeks ago she said she needed to be alone, to take time without another person because she's a mess, now she said maybe she "didn't give him a full chance."

 

**** that. This is torture. Why am I doing this to myself? Now I feel awful today because, as usual, I backpedaled out of it all. Now, it's up to me, to decide if we can be friends or not. Of course, put it all on me, as always. Waltz back into my life, knowing I still have feelings (I told her in the last letter to her before this that I couldn't be friends, only come back if you mean it), and expect to be friends with me. But when you realize it's ****ing hard, be quick to just run out again.

 

Now I feel like a completely pathetic and weak person. I'm so depressed. I don't care about anything. I haven't felt this bad since things first happened.

 

I need support. Strength. I have to cut this tie and walk away. Why is it so hard when I know this isn't working, and I know it's probably harder being involved with her than it would be to just let go.

[madrugada]

That's a tough situation. My ex wants to do the whole friends thing, but I just wouldn't be able to handle it. Hanging out with her, seeing other guys hit on her, knowing that at the end of the night she wouldn't be going home with me, that would wreck me.

 

Don't get down on yourself for holding on to hope. That's human, and letting go is one of the most difficult things to do, especially when she keeps stringing you along. It's natural to seek comfort from someone you've spent so much time with.

 

Keep in mind that you're not pathetic, you're not weak. You're human, and you're in pain. You'll get through it.

[DustySaltus]

So a year has gone by now. How do you feel right now compared to when you first broke up a year ago? Do you feel better, worse or the same?

 

The thought of closing the door completely on her is a thought that I know personally is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I'm 28 years old, I've been through enough already in life to say that for a fact. But you can't let someone else define who you are. She's using you for HER emotional stability, at YOUR expense. You should not love anyone more than yourself.

 

You have to go NC at this point. There's really no other way for your emotional well being. At some point the cycle has to stop. The pain will be WORSE for a while but when you come out through the other side of tunnel, you will be a stronger person. You will have your good days and your bad days. You will date other women and think you are ready to move on. Then you will have your setbacks and think that you should've done more to make things work. Your mind will constantly play tricks on you, but you have to be strong. Eventually, in time you will meet the person that you are supposed to be with. There is a REASON things didn't work out, I promise you that. One day you will meet the person that makes you realize why it wasn't supposed to work. But before that person is discovered and appreciated in the manner they are supposed to be, you need to rediscover yourself.

 

The longest of journeys begin with a single step. Start the journey and continue to post here...

Edited November 29, 2009 by DustySaltus

[mendsley]

Well said Dusty, I have been going thru this crap for a little over 14 months and the cylce of pain is a f**king ride. The thing to remember is hope is your worst enemy, it will keep the wounds open and your mind will easly be controlled by the ex. That was my problem, I hung onto hope as long as I could but just this past weekend I found out her new boyfriend has been staying over at her house quite a bit and something snapped inside of me. I told myself no more, she has moved on and here I am looking weak and acting like a damn child. So now I want to focus on how I can make myself the best person I can possibly be.

 

Granted it has only been a few days since all this went down, but she has tried calling me and I no longer pick up and just that is HUGE for me. We have a son together but he has his own phone and if she really wants to talk she will have to text the reason or leave a message and it better be about him or that sh*t gets deleted.

 

So my point here is you will hear all the time "let go", "move on" or "don't worry about her" and those are all good advice but the problem is they offer no actual steps on how to do that or explination what that actually means. There is'nt, you have to try to keep your mind busy and eventually something will snap and you will know when you can let go. I constantly catch myself thinking about her, the sex her and him are having and how certain things could play out if she wanted to come back to me. That is a lot of wasted thinking, so now I tell myself "STOP that is doing nothing but causing pain and pointless, she does not give a rats ass about you and you should'nt care about what shes doing".

 

I really studied up on the 5 stages of loss and I constanly check where in that process I sit and I currently sit in the anger stage. That hole process is very good to follow because it gives you some direction and explination of what's going on inside your head as well as some insight on what to maybe expect in the future. Good luck and talk to you later

 

Mike

[jlr]

Thanks for the support. I think this is really hard because it's about me finally letting this go. Finally letting her go. Finally letting go of hope. And that's not easy. I know our current friendship, if you can call it that, isn't healthy. It's one sided and it's torture for me. She just wants the parts of me she needs, and doesn't care about the rest or how that hurts me. I need to walk away from this, once and for all. I need to stop stepping into the fire.

 

Plus, I can't start anything new when I'm still so hung up on my past.

 

Even after all we've been through now, after all this time - this part here, the finally letting go, is brutal.

 

Thanks again for your stories, advice, and support.

 

You're all wonderful people. We all deserve to be loved by people who are just as wonderful.

[Workingit]

Another "hang out" with the ex last night. She wants to be friends, and I want to be, well, you know, more. I was planning on meeting up with her to tell her I can't do this anymore. She really just uses me when she feels low, and then when she feels better after that, she ****s me over. It's a cycle.

 

We broke up a year ago after 5 years together. Then we were in a weird phase where we were having sex, talking, hanging out after. Then she took off again when she met some dude. She ended up contacting me a month or 2 ago when things were ****ty with him. Basically she sucked all my good energy to make her feel better, and now, this dude is coming back in the picture.

 

A month ago she said he wasn't important to her, she wasn't that into him, he was pushy and annoying about the relationship. Now I saw flowers at her house from him (I peeked in her bedroom when she was in the bathroom). A few weeks ago she said she needed to be alone, to take time without another person because she's a mess, now she said maybe she "didn't give him a full chance."

 

**** that. This is torture. Why am I doing this to myself? Now I feel awful today because, as usual, I backpedaled out of it all. Now, it's up to me, to decide if we can be friends or not. Of course, put it all on me, as always. Waltz back into my life, knowing I still have feelings (I told her in the last letter to her before this that I couldn't be friends, only come back if you mean it), and expect to be friends with me. But when you realize it's ****ing hard, be quick to just run out again.

 

Now I feel like a completely pathetic and weak person. I'm so depressed. I don't care about anything. I haven't felt this bad since things first happened.

 

I need support. Strength. I have to cut this tie and walk away. Why is it so hard when I know this isn't working, and I know it's probably harder being involved with her than it would be to just let go.

 

I am in almost the same exact situation and it's SO PAINFUL!! 5 year relationship but I have wasted closer to 2 years with my ex. I really believed he loved me, that we would get back together..that his new girlfriend was just a rebound.. he said all the same things and called me the minute something went wrong.

 

I was a crutch, a safety net and when he stopped needing myhelp or felt better, I was no longer a priority. I am trying desperately to accept that it's reallly over.

 

I also happen to live in the same small beach town and ran into my ex (and girlfriend of 4 months that he's now back together with) last Sunday while watching football. I don't know when I will fully accept it.. but I am trying. WE CAN HEAL AND WE DESERVE MORE THAN THIS. but when will I really start believing this?

 

Mine has been especially cruel and cold this last time and I wonder how he can be like that after all of this time, after everything we have been through. I guess we just have to walk through it and get to the other side. Keep up the posts.. Oh and I am NC.. that's what it's finally come to.. there is no other way. At least that's my opinion.

[trueblue72ny]

jlr, i know were you are coming from. my ex gf does the same exact thing! i even work with mine. its ridiculous. and just like you said its a cycle. when the chips are down you get contacted. when the chips are up all the sudden she is a stranger and you are left with your heart in a bag and cheap excuses as to why she cant be around this time. but after awhile the pain and anger just take over the love or desire to some extent. and you stop wanting to contact her. and you will eventually become intersted in other women.

 

in my case too, it took me quite awhile to get to that point. to some degree it still affects me when i see her. like today. but now i have become more prideful of myself when it comes to seeing her or responding to her emails. i am guarded and standoffish with her.

 

she wants to be friends. now i have fallen for this trap too. not only is it very painful but you have a harder time moving on. i sure don't want to know what she is doing anymore. dont wanna know, dont wanna know! so whats the point really. and i dont think any new gf of mine would appreciate it! life will find a way to move on

 

 

i guess thats just how it worked out for me. maybe that helps sharing my experience. if it does thats cool.

[mmk1]

You are not alone. I tortured myself for about a year trying to be friends with my ex of 3 years and could not do it because I wanted more.

 

The only peace I achieved was by telling her I could not be friends, I could only be lovers. She was totally pissed and said I was being selfish, which is ironic because asking me to accept friends when she knew I wanted more was the epitome of selfish.

 

Going NC will end your anxiety over what is she doing, when can I see her again, why am I always the one to contact her, etc. You will get this peace when you let go of the past, concentrate on yourself and face the fear of being without here completely.

 

Realize that you are losing nothing here but a relationship that has nothing in it for you, only her. Find someone who will commit to you and value you. This is where your future and happiness lies.

[jlr]

Thanks everyone. It's good to know I'm not alone. Makes me feel better about it. Sometimes you feel like you're crazy and the only one who can't seem to figure it out. So thank you.

 

I actually went on a date last night. The first time I've been on a date since our breakup. The first time going out with a different girl since meeting my ex 6 years ago.

 

It was nice.

 

I don't think I'm ready for anything serious yet, but it's a start towards the other side maybe.

 

Maybe it will also give me my confidence back, where I can see how much better I can do.

 

I know I still need to close the old door though before anything new can really blossom.

 

Over the weekend, I'm going to tell my ex that I can't be friends, only lovers. And if lovers obviously isn't an option anymore, then I need to stop this.

 

Wish me luck.

[DustySaltus]

Thanks everyone. It's good to know I'm not alone. Makes me feel better about it. Sometimes you feel like you're crazy and the only one who can't seem to figure it out. So thank you.

 

I actually went on a date last night. The first time I've been on a date since our breakup. The first time going out with a different girl since meeting my ex 6 years ago.

 

It was nice.

 

I don't think I'm ready for anything serious yet, but it's a start towards the other side maybe.

 

Maybe it will also give me my confidence back, where I can see how much better I can do.

 

I know I still need to close the old door though before anything new can really blossom.

 

Over the weekend, I'm going to tell my ex that I can't be friends, only lovers. And if lovers obviously isn't an option anymore, then I need to stop this.

 

Wish me luck.

 

You're on the right track. If it makes you feel better here's a quick recap of how my first two dates went post-breakup:

 

Date #1: Set up lunch at central park by the lake. Called her a few times, straight to voicemail...never showed up, wound up having lunch by myself while I stared at the swans in the lake. A week or so later I get a call from her BF threatening me, go figure;). I laugh about it now.

 

Date #2: Beautiful girl, have dinner, things are going really well and i'm starting to think I got my swagger back. Then she tells me that Jesus came back as a Korean Woman in 1948 and lived there until 1975. She also told me the world would end in 2011, but she wanted kids in the next 5 years. What does the barber say?.................NEXT!

 

Just have a good time and go out there with no expectations. Remember you are a young stallion who has been put out to pasture to explore the wonderful world of dating. Have fun with it, have no expectations. you'll have your ups and downs but more importantly you will help yourself to grow.

 

Good Luck

[sean1970]

Date #2: Beautiful girl. have dinner things are going really well and i'm starting to think I go my swagger back. Then she tells me that Jesus came back as a Korean Woman in 1948 and lived there until 1975. She also told me the world would end in 2011, but she wanted kids in the next 5 years. What does the barber say?.................NEXT!

 

Off the chart funny...