madrugada Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I never thought I'd find myself here, but after getting dumped I found this site and have been reading through these threads for a couple of weeks. It's helped a lot, and I see myself and my situation in so many of these posts. It's been about five weeks since my fiancee left me. I've had limited contact with her, to give her some stuff she left when she moved out. We were together a year and a half, living together for a year, engaged for six months. I've managed to resist the urge to contact her. She'll reply, I know, but there isn't anything left to say, really, and it's too painful to keep reminding myself of what I've lost. She was the best thing to ever happen to me, and just seeing her or hearing her voice would be enough to twist my guts into a knot. I suspect she's already seeing someone else; she's the kind of girl who gets a lot of attention from guys, so it won't be difficult for her to move on. That's a thought I keep pushing away, but it creeps in quite a bit. I've been going through the guilt, the regret over signs I missed and things I should have done differently. There is no anger really. I miss her more than anything, though. That's the worst. Waking up in the morning without her body's warmth against me. When she moved out she took the bed with her, so I spent that first couple of weeks drinking myself to sleep on a friend's couch. Those were the worst days of my life. It was all I could do just to navigate the day. I kept checking her facebook page, but I stopped when she deleted all the pictures of me, the pictures of us together during the good times. At work, I was lost. I kept going over the reasons she left, beating myself up about each and every thing I could have done differently. I saw the breakup coming and tried to prepare myself. But there's no way a person can prepare for that level of pain. She gave the ring back at the end of September, but said there was still a chance for us. Like a fool, I believed her and spent the next three weeks on my best behavior. It was like I was auditioning to be her boyfriend. Then she took a trip to the west coast for a school convention, and when she came home she ended it. She met a guy there, made out with him, and realized she just wanted to be on her own. That's one of the many reasons she left. I know now that she checked out a while back. The summer wasn't good for us. Things at work got stressful, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I checked out emotionally and for a while I just wasn't there for her. I keep telling myself it would have ended one way or another, sooner or later, for this reason or that. We're too different, we want different things out of life, the age difference (I'm 35, she's 25) etc., but dammit, when things were good between us I was so happy. Those were the best times of my life. That's part of my story. I'll be checking in frequently, so you'll hear more I'm sure.
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