Pringles Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Sorry this is so long... Ive been with my fiance for 7 years now, and we have been engaged for about a few months now. We met back in high school and started dating a few years after. Before we dated we were best friends and had so much fun together. In the begining, I never wanted a relationship with him because i saw him as my friend and was not attracted to him. However, after he went on a vacation for a few weeks i began to miss him. Needless to say, he came back said he loved me and I said I loved him and we have been together ever since....till now. We have had a good relationship, not many fights, and he has been extra extra good to me. He has treated me better than I have treated him these past few years. Even though I love him, Ive always had this burning in the back of my mind that I was not attracted to him. He is not ugly or bad looking, he is just not my type. So every so often, a few times a year, I would get these feelings of not wanting to be intimate with him, or not wanting to spent time with him. In the past Ive tried to ignore these feelings and started telling myself that physcial attraction is just superficial and that I should look at the great relationship we do have. These feelings would go away and everything would be fine, but then they would return and I would push them out of my head. About 2.5 years ago i began telling him about these feelings that I had been having because they were getting intense. He was unhappy that I didnt put time and effort in spending time with him and that he wasnt a priority in my life. He was right, i wasnt paying attention to his needs and was always put more emphasis on my school and family. He often commented on how our relationship was all about me and it was all one sided. I told him how I felt and he said he didnt want to lose me and blah blah blah. I ended up just trying to work on it on my own by pushing these feelings away. Within that 2.5 years I began experiencing more intense feelings and I would tell him about it. Every time i brought it up I would be more and more confused and would find it even more difficult to break it off. I didnt know how to be without him and it was more comfortable staying...after all he was a great bf. So I stayed with him year after year with me becoming for detached from the relationship and him having to do all the work and make all the effort. He wouldnt understand why i didnt want to spend time with him and i just didnt know my feelings well enough to explain it to him. I went on several trips and he couldnt understand why i wanted to spend my time with my friends instead of taking a trip alone with him. I just wasnt excited about us anymore. Our relationship felt bland, just another day, nothing new or exciting. I didnt feel interested in him. So I guess we had a couple of good months and he wanted to go on a vacation to europe. Great! I told him that I was okay with the idea of him going with his family, but he insisted that he wanted me to be there. My family would never allow me to go out of the country with my bf...he has to be my fiance or husband. So, I was excited about the thought of him being my fiance, we had the engagement, went on our trip, had a great time and everything was dandy! After our trip, he began saying things like what was the point of getting engaged, you wont move in with me, you dont want to spend time with me. He was right...nothing really had changed since we got engaged. It was just us again with an addition of a ring and a title. I didnt feel any more romantically interested in him and I used my school as an excuse to not spend time with him. About 3 weeks ago, I asked for a break because I wasnt sure about us. He gave me the break, we had NC for about 9 days. We had planned to go to an event to a families house, so i called him and asked him if he wanted to come. He wanted to. We spent a few days together too later that week. Everything seemed okay, but i still had doubts in my mind. I felt like I had fallen out of love and he was just my friend. During the break I didnt feel like i need to call him. I didnt feel like I missed him or longed for him. He was just there and I was busying doing my things. Yesterday, we met up and we talked about what was going to happen with us. I cried a lot and so did he. I was saying everything that lead up to the break up but would actualy have the courage to say it. I felt so guilty for putting him in this position. I felt so sad to see him hurting. I dont know if im making the right decision, im confused, scared, and feeling like no one really understands what I am going through. We decided to break it off, im still wearing the ring, and dont know how i should feel. I thought that i would be okay, but im not. I just need to find people who have felt the same way as I am feeling, I dont want to feel alone on this. Any thoughts?
zepland Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 You are the only who knows the answer, it is your life. Have courage and do what is best for you. You know what you have to do, do it.
katvondee Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 you have just ended up being a habit with this guy and like all bad habits they are hard to break but if your really honest with yourself you know breaking up is the best thing and just remember once you have you will have more fun again meeting mr right :)
TimH Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Honestly this saddens me to read.I mean you knew from the git-go this Man was into you and wanted a life long commited relationship.At that time you made a decision to play along knowing full well you wern't into him as you should have been.If you had been totally honest up front with him then at least you could have remained friends vs wasting his time,his emotions,his commitment to you etc.Our lives are to short for these kind of games.With that said,you arn't going to stay in a relationship your not happy in are you. Honestly there is no good answer here,your either all the way in or all the way out.It's best to go your own way now,so that your Man can hurt,heal and find a Women who really does Love him back unconditionally.He deserves to be happy.Please though next time you meet a Man,make sure he is Mr.Right.
AnnaSmitcher Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I've stayed in a couple of relationships after all interest has subsided. You are just postponing the inevitable. Those feelings aren't coming back.
XKatieX Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I would just talk to him and tell him how you really feel. But yea it sounds more to me like you like him being around and that maybe you were confusing those feelings of comfort and warmth with love. If you'd rather be friends just tell him that, but you can't just stay with him because you don't want to hurt him if he finds out for himself and you don't tell him then he will be even more hurt. In the end though it will all work out for the best, he should find someone that feels the same way about him and you should do the same. Best of luck to you.
Author Pringles Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Thanks for your replies. I was very young when I began dating him (17) and now I am 24. My wants and needs have changed and in a way I feel that I haven't established myself apart from the relationship. I dont necessarily see that I was playing any kind of game as I really wanted this relationship to work. I guess I convinced myself that the love high or that romantic interest or desire fades after a few years. I thought that it was a normal process. One of my friends was talking about how crazy in love she was for her fiance and I just could not relate. I kept telling her, wait a few years and Ill check in with you to see if that is still how you feel. Its been 4 years since i spoke to her...maybe I should find her and ask her how she feels now. Has anyone been in long term relationships and noticed a decline in interest or does it stay consistent. He was my first everything so I dont have experiences to compare him to.
Zeegagge Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Wow, ok Ms. Pringles, you just described in excellent detail (well written too) the other side of what has recently happened to me. My ex fiance did the exact same to me that you did/are doing to this man. It's incredibly interesting to read the other side of it expressed like this. She always brought up those same kinds of feelings to me but then the next day right back to the lovey dovey warmth and comfort. Eventually it ended as a result. The only thing I might be able to add is that, even knowing about these negative feelings, I too enjoyed the warmth, comfort and convenience probably enough to blind me to the fact that I may not have had the strongest feelings for her either. You should try and get the deepest, innermost truth out of him regarding his feelings for you. He may have been holding on for the same reasons you are and probably not even know it himself. You say he's just not your type. In that case I find it hard to believe that you are his type. Just trying to give you the other side of the picture here. I know what its like to miss relationship comfort even when you know something's wrong. We stayed together at least 2 years that way. I'da done anything to keep her around just for that. Now I would do anything to get her back, just for that. Sound stupid? It is.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 One of my friends was talking about how crazy in love she was for her fiance and I just could not relate. Has anyone been in long term relationships and noticed a decline in interest or does it stay consistent. He was my first everything so I dont have experiences to compare him to. Your friend being "crazy in love" doesn't tell us much. Sometimes people are just so excited they don't see the reality of what lies before them. Long term relationship - yes attraction declined in mine. But I think the circumstances were a little different. To stay in this relationship, you will have every comfort and a man that adores you and slowly day by day your soul will die. One tiny piece every day, until you feel completely drained. Run. Find yourself a man whose clothes you can't wait to rip off every single day, or else just be single and enjoy what life has to offer. Don't sign up for a prison sentence. You'll just end up divorced or worse, miserable.
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