Devil Inside Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Well they didn't say anything to me. But I'm used to that in this forum. Not full of (((hugs))) then click on Alert Us. Policing by telling not to police. Hmm..I'll have to think that one through. It could get circular. :laugh: I did actually make some points to the OP but seems they weren't deemed worthy. Oh well, I'll go back in the naughty corner now and see how long this post lasts I think that your posts are just fine Ms Troublemaker. Just pointing out the flawed logic in your argument.
SerenityX2 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Mizz Blue, I am sorry for your pain, but I think after the dust has settled, you will be even stronger. You had the strength to find your newfound clarity that's just the beginning. It sucks that you have to go through darkness to reach the dawn, and that there is no way around pain you must go through it. Remember though when a door closes, a window opens. It may not be for someone for awhile, it may be *something*. When things seem their darkest, the light is coming....hold on and believe. Wishing you continued strength, peace and clarity.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 You probably don't think so, but one day you will thank your sister. If she were standing in front of a moving bus wouldn't you push her out of the way? She did you a favor, and so did your mom. I'm sure your mom is wondering where she went wrong in raising you...there's enough guilt to go around. There is NOTHING wrong with your family not supporting bad behavior. I know if I found out my children were being self-destructive, I'd stop them, even if it hurt at the time. Just because your family doesn't support you in a self-destructive and immoral relationship doesn't mean they don't love you, on the contrary, they DO love you and don't want to see you get hurt.
Impudent Oyster Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Is it possible that your dad /stepfather or someone else cheated on your mom and hearing about your situation is causing a whole lot of pain to rise to the surface and she's lashing out? Is it possible that her mom has a lot of common sense and knows a trainwreck when she sees one?
Impudent Oyster Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 On the other hand my mom and dad do know about my EMR, and fully support me. I am their daughter, why wouldn't they? /QUOTE] You CAN'T be serious. If you were a drug addict would they fully support you just because you're their daughter? If I were sleeping with a MM my mother would read me the riot act and likely not have anything to do with me until I came to my senses. Although, it is because of that attitude that she would never have to worry about me doing stupid things. They weren't tolerated, let alone "supported".
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I ended everything with the MM today via email. I know this is a **** way to do this to him, and I feel horrible uh....so what? he is cheating on his wife. do this to him?? I want to say to everyone that I hurt that I am so very sorry. you think his wife and kids are reading this?
lkjh Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 This may be true in many families...however...do not assume that all families are there for you no matter what...some people are not so lucky to have families that are dependable, functional, or healthy. we are speaking in general and in general families are here to help. Yes you can find individual cases where this is not true but they go against our nature. That is why shows like Jerry Springer have such a huge shock affect and make it big. They find those weird cases. Judging by the post, the OP has a close family and close families usually don't fall into the screw you over types Whichwayisup, Are you seriously gonna make the claim that you have never once done something for someone with out their consent. Something that you thought was good for them even if they disagreed. Families are automatically involved in our personal lives(in most cases) and the sister did what was best for the OP. Yes it hurts now but it ended the problem quickly. Do you really thing another two or three years as the OW ultimately leading to being the MM second choice would have been a better route? Her sister obviously wants what is best for the OP even if it means a little pain now
fooled once Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 You can't police the thread it's an open discussion. Not everyone will always be in agreement and the thread won't always go in the direction that you want. Thanks to the OP's sister she has been able to get on with her life without the cheating and lies. Sounds like she may have wanted this on some level. Had to have done really. By telling her sister she was able to make it happen and also have the support of her family through a difficult time. By support, I mean that since her family are so angry that she has had the affair then I suspect they will turn around and welcome her back into the security of her family once thay are sure that the affair is over. JFF - you missed a lot of what was said. I realize I can't police an open discussion but that doesn't mean it is a field day for name calling and nasty words.
ForumFool Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I am really sorry for your pain ((hugs)) I think your sis was wrong but in the end I think it will work out for your own good....but still you confided in her and she rats you out. Mom's most mom's who are not Jerry Springer types do want their kids to show the same moral codes they were raised in and thus mom is really upset...it will pass as you prove you are staying away. ...more hugs trust me..in the end though I feel your pain..this is best..I wish it had been you ending it before mom and all knew.....what a mess
Author MizzBlue72 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I'm sorry you're feeling this horrible feeling. You'll thank your family in the long run. Your sister did it because she loves you. hugs Thank you. Deep down, I know this, and I know that my family does care for me. I knew this would end, but thought for some odd reason it would be easier.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I'm so sorry you feel so bad right now I hope that you can take some comfort in the knowledge that what did was the right thing, and that, even though you are really hurting right now, , in time, you'll see that you did the right thing. the are people in this world who don't care who they hurt, as long as they are happy- you certainly don't sound like that. Yes, you may have made some mistakes, but you've moved on. If you can, try and do something really nice for yourself, but also give yourself time to grieve and to heal. I'm sorry that your family is treating you this way. i hope that they will come around. they may not like what you did, but that is no reason to "abandon" you now when you need their support the most. ( BTW- I am a "betrayed spouse", and while there is no way i can condone the cheating, I certainly don't like to hear that you are suffering and in pain like this You may have made some bad choices, but you are not a bad person- the fact that you made the choice to end things, even though it is really painful, tells a lot of who you are... the next time you look in the mirror, please be very proud of the person who you see looking back at you... because you should be. ) Now, please, make sure you look after yourself and do something really nice for yourself- you deserve it! ( not sure if this "Cyberhug' helps you or not, but here it is anyway : (((((((((cyberhug))))))))))))) Thank you!!! I guess what hurt me so much was I already call myself and think of myself as such a BAD person for allowing all of this to happen... to have the family validate that just really really opened my eyes. I'm starting to understand that I am NOT a bad person - I am just a person who kept lying to herself, thinking that being with a MM could possibly bring me happiness. I actually felt relieved to not have to lie anymore.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Anyone who says your sister betrayed your trust can not be more wrong. She did the right thing and you needed that. She was the one trying to help you. Your affair was not something magical and beautiful, it really was a horrible thing and she did what needed to be done. The married man will try to get you back even though he knows it could destroy your family and that is when you will know he does not actually love you but likes having you on the side with no regard of what happens to you. Look at what he has tried to make you into. Your sister and mother love you. Your mom will get over this because that is what parents do but you have to realize that they are they are the ones looking out for you. I agree -- to a point. Yes, my family does love me - I know that. I still think my sister is a HUGE bitch ... she could have talked to ME first, or at least prepared me for what I was walking into. I don't know how to feel about my sister - I am still extremely pissed off and hurt. This is not for exposing the A -- you really can NOT have an A for long and truly expect to NOT be exposed. I am upset because she betrayed my trust. I know that the MM will try to hold on for as long as possible. I just don't know about that.... I hurt, and he says he is here for me and I need to share this and what I am feeling with him, but his life didn't change - AT ALL. And I feel a little out of sorts about that ...
Author MizzBlue72 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I am going to strongly disagree. Your sister betrayed your trust, and that's probably the last thing you needed right now when you are feeling trust issues all around you anyway. I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry to hear that your mother was apparently willing to throw away her child over "morally wrong behavior". I'm sorry, but I cannot imagine a scenario where I would ever turn my back on my children. Never. Be all that as it may, I hope you feel this is the best choice for you. I wonder, did you tell your sister knowing what she would do? Was this your way of trying to force resolution for yourself? I hope you find your peace. I guess I told my sister because I needed to talk to someone about the A. My friends won't talk about it, and the only person I really could talk to about it was the MM. I do wonder why I told my sister .. maybe in some twisted way I wanted all the lies to be done with. I'm done lying ....
turnstone Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Maybe she didn't talk to you first because she knew you'd try to talk her round and maybe she was worried that she might let you. However, regardless of any amount of talking, she obviously knew exactly what would be the most effective course of action. If I was you, I'd be more upset with the MM who is demonstrating a complete lack of care about you by trying to remain in the picture.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 It's easy to show your love when the person is doing what is right and easy, it is harder to show your love when they are hurting themselves and others. I think your sister loves you enough to do just that. I'm not so sure about your mother's actions, but she may just be angry and when she cools off will apologize and forgive. Families aren't immune to feelings. I am sure they would feel equally upset if someone cheated "on" you and hurt you. By your own admission, you faced things you already knew. Did your family's opinions help you do that? Would you have done it on your own? Would you want the "intervention" if there was an addiction involved? Some people feel as if an affair partner is an addiction(not sure about that myself), but just something to think about. My family verbalizing what I already felt DID help me see things different - and clear. It was a wake up call. It shined a bright light in the nooks and crannies of this A. I honestly think that if this did not happen - I never would have ended it. I know how pathetic that is to say ... but it's true. For some reason, hearing all of the reasons to not continue from friends - I could get past that. To hear it point blank from my mother's mouth ---- I NEEDED to hear that in some way. I KNOW that this is not me, the person who I was. If it truly was an addiction - yes, I would want an intervention, and hope that my family loved me enough to do this for me. I do think the sex was an addiction, the feelings, but I gave my power away. I'm learning a LOT about myself through this. I know for a fact I personally can NEVER do this again -- and will NEVER EVER do this again.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I totally agree with this. A sister doesn't go and rat on you to mom, and especially not such a mom. Obviously the OP cares a lot about family. I wouldn't give a ***** what my mom thought. I am an adult and I live my own life. On the other hand my mom and dad do know about my EMR, and fully support me. I am their daughter, why wouldn't they? Sorry, MizzBlue, to hear you are having a rough time. I am just astounded at your mother's behaviour. Thank you Jennie. I was really astounded too at my mother's behavior, but I can see where she is coming from. My father was a serial cheater ... for years when I was young. I think I broke her heart when she heard this ... that I knew how hard it was when this happened to her and here I am, her own daughter doing this to another woman. I didn't think of anyone but myself. I really thought that the world and family should but out. I know this won't work for some - but I NEEDED this. I would never ever have ended this without a push. Hearing your mom call you a whore puts a new spin on how glamorous an A isn't. It's dirty -- it really is.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Is it possible that your dad /stepfather or someone else cheated on your mom and hearing about your situation is causing a whole lot of pain to rise to the surface and she's lashing out? if so, maybe once she has a bit more time to digest everything, she might come around. This is exactly what happened. My father cheated on my mother for years.
Impudent Oyster Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 This is exactly what happened. My father cheated on my mother for years. Well then can you understand why she reacted the way she did? First her husband now her daughter? In her eyes, you are doing to some woman what was done to her. Honestly, I feel for your mom.
Impudent Oyster Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Thank you Jennie. I was really astounded too at my mother's behavior, but I can see where she is coming from. My father was a serial cheater ... for years when I was young. I think I broke her heart when she heard this ... that I knew how hard it was when this happened to her and here I am, her own daughter doing this to another woman. I didn't think of anyone but myself. I really thought that the world and family should but out. I know this won't work for some - but I NEEDED this. I would never ever have ended this without a push. Hearing your mom call you a whore puts a new spin on how glamorous an A isn't. It's dirty -- it really is. I should have read this first! I commend you for being so understanding, for not making excuses and for being able to correct your mistake with dignity. Good for you!
RedDevil66 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I'm learning a LOT about myself through this. I know for a fact I personally can NEVER do this again -- and will NEVER EVER do this again. And this is the whole point of making mistakes, to learn. The pain brings you to a higher ground. Feel proud of your strength of character to know that this was not right for you. Having an A does not make you bad, butit made you take away from all the potential you have. You're on your way to a better way of life :-)
RedDevil66 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I should have read this first! I commend you for being so understanding, for not making excuses and for being able to correct your mistake with dignity. Good for you! ditto x 10000 to this
bentnotbroken Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 My family verbalizing what I already felt DID help me see things different - and clear. It was a wake up call. It shined a bright light in the nooks and crannies of this A. I honestly think that if this did not happen - I never would have ended it. I know how pathetic that is to say ... but it's true. For some reason, hearing all of the reasons to not continue from friends - I could get past that. To hear it point blank from my mother's mouth ---- I NEEDED to hear that in some way. I KNOW that this is not me, the person who I was. If it truly was an addiction - yes, I would want an intervention, and hope that my family loved me enough to do this for me. I do think the sex was an addiction, the feelings, but I gave my power away. I'm learning a LOT about myself through this. I know for a fact I personally can NEVER do this again -- and will NEVER EVER do this again. You may see your sister as a b!tc* now, (I've got one of my own) and you see it as a betrayal of your trust, but here is another possible way to view it. I love my sister with all my heart and soul. I would take a bullet for her. That includes taking the emotional bullets as well. I would rather have her healthy, happy, and in an emotionally healthy relationship than to watch her suffer through pain that can be stopped. I would do whatever it took for that to happen for her, even if that meant losing her respect and love. If it means she is safe, then it means that we have the opportunity to still be sisters and good friends. I wouldn't have told my sister either. You don't tell the person who's behalf you are intervening that you are setting up the intervention. They will look for excuses and ways to explain the behavior. You didn't have time to formulate plans or excuses. All you could do was look at the light that was shined (very brightly)on what others saw. Your sister knew this was out of character for you and she saw the big picture. She loved you enough to piss you off and protect you. She used your family to help her. You are one blessed young woman. Your family loves you enough not to except the least amount from you and not to let you allow someone else to make you a dirty secret. That is a powerful thing. As has been stated here, not all families care enough to expect and do what is necessary for all members of the family to have the best. Yours does. Your mother sounded harsh and really shocked. I do believe you and she will come to a peaceful place in time. You will have to re-earn their respect, but I don't think that will be a problem. You have stated that in your heart you already knew everything they said was true. That is the first step to seeking forgiveness and forgiving yourself. Use the lessons you have learned, share with others who may find themselves in the same place and as you said never go that direction again. It will be a slow painful process, but it can be done with time, patience, healing and love.
lkjh Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I agree -- to a point. Yes, my family does love me - I know that. I still think my sister is a HUGE bitch ... she could have talked to ME first, or at least prepared me for what I was walking into. I don't know how to feel about my sister - I am still extremely pissed off and hurt. This is not for exposing the A -- you really can NOT have an A for long and truly expect to NOT be exposed. I am upset because she betrayed my trust. I know that the MM will try to hold on for as long as possible. I just don't know about that.... I hurt, and he says he is here for me and I need to share this and what I am feeling with him, but his life didn't change - AT ALL. And I feel a little out of sorts about that ... Think about it, what good could have come from your sister talking to you first. You already know that you would never have ended it and she wanted to help you not be an accessory to the crime. You needed the shock affect and obviously the person to do this was your mother. You confided in your sister because of many reasons but one thing is for sure, she would not have been able to talk you out of this affair. Bad habits are hard to break and people need life changing events to make them change. Your sister "ratting" you out provided that event. Your sister did what she thought was best for you and I believe she was right. Continue to talk to her because in the end you are sisters and you will get through this. The MM loves one thing, himself. He will not care about your relationship with your mother or what happens to you ten years down the road. He has a family at home and you were his side item. As long as his life is good he is happy. Its hard to believe but he did not love you and he really wouldn't be there for you if you truly needed him. He will protect himself at all cost. A lot of OW don't want to believe this because they are living in a fairytale.
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