MizzBlue72 Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Today, I write this with a sad sad heart, and need some hugs. After confiding in my sister about my A, she told my family. I have known for a LONG time that what I was doing was wrong, and the hurt and shame that came from my mother was something I never EVER want to hear again. My mother called me everything that I have felt I was - and more. She says I am no longer welcome in her home. I ended everything with the MM today via email. I know this is a **** way to do this to him, and I feel horrible, but if I talk to him, I will continue and still be even more confused than I was. For the first time in a LONG time I see what I am doing and now know REALLY know what a horrible thing I have done. I have also gained some clarity that I did not have in a really long time. I know what needs to be done and where I need to go from here. I want to say to everyone that I hurt that I am so very sorry. Any hugs and support you can provide is really needed. My world has been out of control for the last year and now I am moving on, but my strength?? NOT so good. MM still loves me and feels horrible, I know that, but he really has NOT dealt with any of the fall out from this - at all. I lost a LOT of friends over this, fight with them and I am not willing to lose my family.,
alg24 Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 **Many many MANY hugs** I am sorry your sister betrayed your trust, and the outcome that followed. Good for you for ending the A! Don't feel bad about how you ended it- focus on yourself right now. You owe the MM nothing! YOU are the most important person right now. You will feel hurt, confusion, and much pain but after all of that you will find yourself HAPPINESS. Right now it may seem impossible, but give it time and you will find happiness. You are not a horrible person but it seems that you got yourself into a bad situation. When you feel weakness remember how out of control things have been since starting up this A- its easier to remember the good during the A, but don't focus on that (that is not reality) Being an OW myself it was very hard to remember when I was not in the A... I lost many good friends in the process and was truly unhappy during that time (My family never knew he was M but they knew something wasn't right...) I struggled to remember my life before the A but people told me I was not the same person anymore. Be strong!!! Keep NC. Stay as busy as possible! Speaking to him, having any contact will make it harder. You say he still loves you and feels horrible BUT all the pain you are dealing with right now is because of him. I know these are words, and you are in a mass amount of pain. I am truly sorry. I know that pain, 100%, and its not easy. But you are strong and have the strength so dig deep! Many hugs and good luck!!
Brightmoon Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Huge heartfelt and supportive hugs for you MizzBlue (((((hugs))))). Your family should br the ones to love you unconditionally in an ideal world...but this is not an ideal world. I hope you can stay strong and heal. You have been through a lot. Another (((hug)))
hopeless4u Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 BIG, BIG HUGS to you. I know the pain you are going and the way it's ended has added to that. I'm sure in time your family will calm down, its probably a huge shock to them and we all know how we act when emotional:confused: I'm also the OW, well xOW as of last week but it was me who ended things, we are still friends and haven't gone NC yet but that is coming and I know it's going to be hard. The only advice I can give you is keep posting and reading other xOW's post's, they will give you strength and hopefully help you make sense of things. Again, BIG, BIG Hugs xx
RedDevil66 Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I'm sorry you're feeling this horrible feeling. You'll thank your family in the long run. Your sister did it because she loves you. hugs
fooled once Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Today, I write this with a sad sad heart, and need some hugs. After confiding in my sister about my A, she told my family. I have known for a LONG time that what I was doing was wrong, and the hurt and shame that came from my mother was something I never EVER want to hear again. My mother called me everything that I have felt I was - and more. She says I am no longer welcome in her home. I ended everything with the MM today via email. I know this is a **** way to do this to him, and I feel horrible, but if I talk to him, I will continue and still be even more confused than I was. For the first time in a LONG time I see what I am doing and now know REALLY know what a horrible thing I have done. I have also gained some clarity that I did not have in a really long time. I know what needs to be done and where I need to go from here. I want to say to everyone that I hurt that I am so very sorry. Any hugs and support you can provide is really needed. My world has been out of control for the last year and now I am moving on, but my strength?? NOT so good. MM still loves me and feels horrible, I know that, but he really has NOT dealt with any of the fall out from this - at all. I lost a LOT of friends over this, fight with them and I am not willing to lose my family., MizzB ((hug)) I am sorry you are hurting. I am sorry you are sad ((hug)) You and your mom will work this out in time. You are NOT a horrible person. Your actions may have been questionable, but not YOU, the person. I hope in the coming days you begin to feel better. In time, the family will heal and if the friends don't come back, maybe that is for the better. ((hugs)) Hang in there.
lkjh Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Anyone who says your sister betrayed your trust can not be more wrong. She did the right thing and you needed that. She was the one trying to help you. Your affair was not something magical and beautiful, it really was a horrible thing and she did what needed to be done. The married man will try to get you back even though he knows it could destroy your family and that is when you will know he does not actually love you but likes having you on the side with no regard of what happens to you. Look at what he has tried to make you into. Your sister and mother love you. Your mom will get over this because that is what parents do but you have to realize that they are they are the ones looking out for you.
alg24 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Let me correct myself-- I 100% worded it wrong.. The sister 100% did the right thing by telling the family. I wrote the wrong thing by saying "Betrayed your trust"
alg24 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 The sister did the right thing, and hopefully your mother is just shocked/etc. and will calm down. Your MM is NOT there for you. Your sister LOVES you and that is why she told your mom/family. For you to tell your sister what was going on, you must have been feeling a lot of pain. No matter what you say having that A could have not been that wonderful. Having an A is not reality.
fooled once Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Report people. Hit the alert button on the post and report it. Thanks for the reminder GEL! I forget that button is there for that reason and others.
Brokenlady Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I am going to strongly disagree. Your sister betrayed your trust, and that's probably the last thing you needed right now when you are feeling trust issues all around you anyway. I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry to hear that your mother was apparently willing to throw away her child over "morally wrong behavior". I'm sorry, but I cannot imagine a scenario where I would ever turn my back on my children. Never. Be all that as it may, I hope you feel this is the best choice for you. I wonder, did you tell your sister knowing what she would do? Was this your way of trying to force resolution for yourself? I hope you find your peace.
bentnotbroken Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 It's easy to show your love when the person is doing what is right and easy, it is harder to show your love when they are hurting themselves and others. I think your sister loves you enough to do just that. I'm not so sure about your mother's actions, but she may just be angry and when she cools off will apologize and forgive. Families aren't immune to feelings. I am sure they would feel equally upset if someone cheated "on" you and hurt you. By your own admission, you faced things you already knew. Did your family's opinions help you do that? Would you have done it on your own? Would you want the "intervention" if there was an addiction involved? Some people feel as if an affair partner is an addiction(not sure about that myself), but just something to think about.
Devil Inside Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 MizzBlue...I have followed your story. I am sorry for your pain. I know how much it hurts to give up love...even when we know we should. I am sending you big hugs, support, and strength. I am proud of you. Please come here for support...and keep us updated. Keep your head up.
justforfun Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Report people. Hit the alert button on the post and report it. Report it for what? Disagreeing?
justforfun Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I ended everything with the MM today via email. I know this is a **** way to do this to him, and I feel horrible I'd feel worse about what he has done to you and to his wife. I don't know why he deserves any consideration.
justforfun Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Testies -- MizzB is having a hard time. Maybe if you can't be supportive or offer words of encouragement, you can just skip this thread. You can't police the thread it's an open discussion. Not everyone will always be in agreement and the thread won't always go in the direction that you want. Thanks to the OP's sister she has been able to get on with her life without the cheating and lies. Sounds like she may have wanted this on some level. Had to have done really. By telling her sister she was able to make it happen and also have the support of her family through a difficult time. By support, I mean that since her family are so angry that she has had the affair then I suspect they will turn around and welcome her back into the security of her family once thay are sure that the affair is over.
jennie-jennie Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I am going to strongly disagree. Your sister betrayed your trust, and that's probably the last thing you needed right now when you are feeling trust issues all around you anyway. I'm so sorry. I'm also sorry to hear that your mother was apparently willing to throw away her child over "morally wrong behavior". I'm sorry, but I cannot imagine a scenario where I would ever turn my back on my children. Never. Be all that as it may, I hope you feel this is the best choice for you. I wonder, did you tell your sister knowing what she would do? Was this your way of trying to force resolution for yourself? I hope you find your peace. I totally agree with this. A sister doesn't go and rat on you to mom, and especially not such a mom. Obviously the OP cares a lot about family. I wouldn't give a ***** what my mom thought. I am an adult and I live my own life. On the other hand my mom and dad do know about my EMR, and fully support me. I am their daughter, why wouldn't they? Sorry, MizzBlue, to hear you are having a rough time. I am just astounded at your mother's behaviour.
Virgo1982 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 My xMM was in a situation similar to this. She also did some of the similar things and I also remember him crying about her racking up $2k of dollars in debt using the cc as debit card paying for all sorts of minor purchases. She was also soliciting men on social networking sites. She was also involved in her own affair as I saw all of the emails. He asked me if I thought he was stupid and I would tell him he must think so to ask me such a question. All I know is they are comfortable with eachother, but find it difficult to trust each other because of how they respond to unpleasantries. Regardless, I left the situation and told him they should work with eachother and stop involving others in their disaster of a M. Upon leaving, I informed him that he could renew his wedding vows or divorce and it wouldn't make a difference in my life. If you move forward with your life, you'll already be moving no matter what happens. Do not continue to wait around. There's no reason to. If he went back because she agreed to go to therapy and she isn't going, he is a grown man who is quite capable of making decisions. If he makes the decision to continue without therapy, will you two go back to square one? What will she do if he does come running back to you? If she is doing all of these things because he is cheating, if he plans to divorce, it seems he would just get his divorce first. Whatever you decide, do what is best for you. Feel better.
lkjh Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 The sister was worried about her and this destructive behavior, a lot of the OW on the board think that there will be some happy ending to these situations but there wont be. OW/OM claim that they can rationally think the situation through but somewhere in their head they have their hopes ups. The sister got the family involved because A) she doesn't want to see her sister destroy her life over a man that she will not end up and one that she shouldn't want to end up(he is a cheater) and B) what she is doing to his family is horrible, I know OW don't see this and don't think they are doing anything wrong but they are. How many OW have we seen on this board in love with a MM and sure they will end up together and then after a few sacrificed years they end up alone, not married and regretful, ashamed, and hurt? The answer is a lot. Mizz, your sister got your family involved because you needed that. Families are here to protect us, nurture us, raise us, and most important teach us. Do not listen to the people saying your mom is doing something bad. Your mother is ashamed, and most important hurt. When her anger drops she will be there for you. Families fight all the time but they usually bounce right back. That is the great thing about family, you can have huge blow outs and still be fine. Your mother is hurt because she raised you and feels responsible for this. Plus for what you know, a OW may have hurt her or someone else close to her. keep communication open with your sister and mother. Remember this affair was a fairytale and you are the one the MM would consider expendable (even if you don't believe that) but your mother and sister truly do love you.
lkjh Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I totally agree with this. A sister doesn't go and rat on you to mom, and especially not such a mom. Obviously the OP cares a lot about family. I wouldn't give a ***** what my mom thought. I am an adult and I live my own life. On the other hand my mom and dad do know about my EMR, and fully support me. I am their daughter, why wouldn't they? Sorry, MizzBlue, to hear you are having a rough time. I am just astounded at your mother's behaviour. Unfortunately more and more people are caring less about their families these days and that is a huge problem. Just because you wouldn't give a ***** about what your family thinks, does not make right or smart. At the end of a bad day your family will always be there for you but your MM will only be there as long as it benefits him
Devil Inside Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Unfortunately more and more people are caring less about their families these days and that is a huge problem. Just because you wouldn't give a ***** about what your family thinks, does not make right or smart. At the end of a bad day your family will always be there for you but your MM will only be there as long as it benefits him This may be true in many families...however...do not assume that all families are there for you no matter what...some people are not so lucky to have families that are dependable, functional, or healthy.
Devil Inside Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 You can't police the thread it's an open discussion. Not everyone will always be in agreement and the thread won't always go in the direction that you want. Just to be a pain here JFF...but aren't you policing here yourself by writing this post. :laugh: FYI..it seems the post in question was removed...so obviously it was deemed offensive by the moderator. I think it went further then just disagreeing. Disagreement happens often around here...like just now when I disagreed with you.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 After confiding in my sister about my A, she told my family. I have known for a LONG time that what I was doing was wrong, and the hurt and shame that came from my mother was something I never EVER want to hear again. Your sister had no right to tell your mom and the rest of your family. It wasn't her place to do that! If your mom was to know about your private life, it's your choice to tell her, not your sister.. My mother called me everything that I have felt I was - and more. She says I am no longer welcome in her home. I really hope she calms down and realizes that yeah, you've made a bad choice that has hurt you, and the exMM's wife, BUT - As your mom, she still should be supporting you, giving you love. She has a right to be upset, angry, disappointed in your choices, but to go this far to give you crap like this and tell you you're no longer welcome in the house is so cruel.
justforfun Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 (edited) Just to be a pain here JFF...but aren't you policing here yourself by writing this post. :laugh: FYI..it seems the post in question was removed...so obviously it was deemed offensive by the moderator. I think it went further then just disagreeing. Disagreement happens often around here...like just now when I disagreed with you. Well they didn't say anything to me. But I'm used to that in this forum. Not full of (((hugs))) then click on Alert Us. Policing by telling not to police. Hmm..I'll have to think that one through. It could get circular. :laugh: I did actually make some points to the OP but seems they weren't deemed worthy. Oh well, I'll go back in the naughty corner now and see how long this post lasts Edited November 30, 2009 by justforfun My Post Is Still There DI
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