brenddate Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I had a big but brief fight with my ex on phone three weeks ago. we live in different cities, three hours away from eachother. We have only been dating for about 4 months most of which time i was away abroad but we kept in touch on phone and IM until i returned. when i came back, He travelled over, making an effort to come visit and spend with me three days (despite his very busy schedule). everything went well and we kept in touch even more frequently once he went back. A week later, some friend of mine, who has been tyring to keep in touch with me, had a conversation with him in an online chat and later relayed very wrong information about their conversation which made me very mad. two days later i tried to raise the subject with him and he was angry as well. H e was upset and at some point i hang up the phone on him (which i know is bad, and also later learnt he really hates). Infact i did it twice. I have since apologized. we essentially broke off really because he said he was never gopnna call me and give me another opportunity to hang up on him. I learnt that my friend was being a twit and she confessed. I have made some efforts to talk to my ex, notto take me back but asking small favors for things eh poromised earlier to send me through the post. He has done this three times. I attempted to talk to him and he said he still cares about me but is still upset because arguing in a relationship messes him up and said it indeed messed him up. I dont stalk him on phone but every three to four days i try to get in touch ov er something. obviously i wnat him back but i dont know if he still wants me. he seems really polite sometimes and asks how i am doing but makes no effort to talk more or even try to see me especially that i have come to visit my family for four days, who live within the same city as him. He doesnt seem eager to meetme neither has he tried. On the phone he seems caring and at times very formal. Does a man's anger indicate he still has feelinsg for me but just needs time. He says he takes long to get over arguments and hates arguements in a relation. He accepted my aplogy but he is still upset, so he says. He doesnt call save for thrice when he had rto communicate soemthing. Should i kepe hope, what can i do or do i move on. I am a typically independent person. However difficult it is, i make every effort to avoid contacting him often or even text him, even when we both know i am a heavy texter. The fact that i can take three days without contacting him is great.
Author brenddate Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 anybody to give any useful/helpful insight on this matter. I could do with a second opinion- thanks
Kic Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Someone that lets an argument affect them to the point where they behave like this is not the best person to be in a long-distance relationship with. Phone hang ups happen. It's understandable that people sometimes get emotional and just need to stop talking and hang up - abruptly, even. While it is certainly rude, he is not allowed to use that as a crutch for long - he should forgive you for doing it, especially if you've agreed to stop, and then let it go. You didn't really go into what that friend had said. Maybe he is really more upset about that and is using the hang-up issue as an excuse to leave for another reason. If he wants to end it, hopefully it is for the right reasons. LTRs are very tough even when the conversations are going great. There is a benefit in knowing where a person sleeps every night. Keep this in mind when spending a significant amount of energy on this one.
Author brenddate Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Kic, thanks for the insight on that. It was the first negative argument we had. Every once in a while we talk but while one day i feel he is warming up to me and asking how i m and how my day went, the next time, its all back to formal. I don't like the uncertainty. He says he is still upset about arguing with me because arguments mess him up. My friend had a conversation with him and then she relayed very wrong and insulting information about what he had allegedly said about our relationship. she has confessed she did it on purpose etc whatever purpose. But he wont let go of. I dont know, maybe i am being too impatient but its a few days to a month since that happened and am thinking, maybe i should close the door and leave things as is- a very stressful decision but well, there is no point, if am wasting time waiting. I appreciate your opinion
red_cloud Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I attempted to talk to him and he said he still cares about me but is still upset because arguing in a relationship messes him up and said it indeed messed him up. IMO, he sounds very immature. Arguments HAPPEN. End of story. Its best to avoid them, no one likes them, but even the most rational and calm people have arguments once in a while. If he can't deal with that, he's not ready to be in a relationship. So you can either try to walk on eggshells around him and make him happy or let him wonder around until he grows the maturity to deal with it. If he's looking for an argument/conflict-free relationship, then he's chasing a wild fantasy.
Author brenddate Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 How does one break contact. Its not easy. Obviouxly i ma tired of these games chasing the what-ifs. am stressed about these mixed signals and just want to give up. but how do i get these digits out of my memory resist this urge
Author brenddate Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 I finally picked the courage and wrote to my ex explaining to him that, much as hanging up the phone is bad manners, i have already apologised and he knows it wasnt an action to spite him but because i couldnt handle the arguement any further, i was getting more upset and could not talk further. I explained to him that, we were all upset, i ahve recognised my part of the blame and i am willing to leave things at that, seeing as he is not being commuicative about what he wants, to stay in the relationship or not. I am not willing to keep in the on-the-fence position. That said in an email Monday night, and i meant it. Tuesday about lunch time i get a call from a i could barely remember although it seemed familiar. The person calling wasn't saying a word, and i was busy. I hang up. seven hours later, back home, i crosschecked my diary, only to learn its an old number he used when we had just met and then suddenly stopped using it when he got on anew contract. I called back and again, the receiver answers, doesn't talk. I hang up. Is he starting games? Because i don't have time for games now. I am either in or out? what do you think
name witheld Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I dunno, maybe a power struggle? Sounds like he doesn't like you putting your foot down so he is 'punishing' you. I would stand your ground and show him that you are no push over!
Author brenddate Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I dunno, maybe a power struggle? Sounds like he doesn't like you putting your foot down so he is 'punishing' you. I would stand your ground and show him that you are no push over! Hi, Thanks a lot for this. Yes, i begin to think its a power struggle. I have chosen to keep my ground firm. It begins to feel as a though its a punishment and i am done waiting out. I am actually tired of it all. The other day he was meant to send me movies i had earlier requested and then for some reason he asked me if i had watched the movies he sent me last and i said i'd been busy but would make a point to watch when i found some time over the weekend.(quite politely said by the way and he knows ive been busy with college assignments)... and then the ones he was meant to send the following day have not come through the post 5 days later, which should have been one day. You know what, i am not going to use that to call him. I ebgin to tire of it
Author brenddate Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 I think he is kinda used to girls running after him from his past relationships an he probably is expecting the same from me and i dont think i want to do that. I believe a relationship is about mutual interest ; you want to be with me, i wnat to be with you> lets work through the differences. Not i apologizing for hanging up the phone an then have to run after you, because you are sending mixed signals. to be honest i begin to tire
Author brenddate Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 another day of no communication. I feel tired of the hot and cold game and don't plan to call. But i really do miss him any way. Does letting it out here, like this help reduce whats going on inside? Love- What a strange feeling it can be!!!
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