Broken up with girlfriend who is suffering depression

[usagi]

A description of what I'm going through:

 

I'm 33 and have been dating a woman the same age as me for the last 10 months. We met through a mutual friend and there was a strong attraction from the beginning. However she was recently out of a relationship which she had ended because she didn't love the guy (Mr. A) even though he had been very good to her.

 

We met regularly over a 3 month period for drinks / diner and eventually got together around February this year. She did express concern during the beginning that she may not be ready for a relationship and I suggested that we take it slowly.

 

After about 2 months of seeing each other we started getting more serious and seeing more of each other from about 2/3 days a week to around 6. While dating she would occasionally 'withdraw' a little (for a period of an hour or so) and this usually happened when we had just had a great day together. This happened more regularly after I told her I loved her after about 6/7 months together.

 

Anyway about a month ago in October she broke it off with me because she needed space and also informed me that she was starting to see a counselor as she was suffering from a depression and felt that she could 'never fall in love again'. She feels she still has unresolved issues with an ex (Mr. B) from 5 years ago who was both physically and verbally abusive to her, but that she has 'never felt love' like they had.

 

I have been giving her space while also communicating that I am there if she wants to talk or catch up and we have had some contact.

 

Over the last couple of days though I was starting to suffer from not seeing her for nearly a month and asked if we could meet. The meeting went well to begin with as she was very physical with me but towards the end of the evening she withdrew again. I walked her home and told her that I wouldn't come upstairs as I wanted her to feel ready before we got back to that stage.

 

We spoke yesterday and she was clearly upset. She is very confused and says that she isn't sure if she wants me or doesn't want me. I have gently responded by saying that I need some time to heal as it doesn't feel like it's going to go my way in the long run.

 

 

She and I both agree we have had a fantastic time together and that we have been good to each other. The communication has always been sympathetic to each other during this break up and no harsh word has been said by either side.

 

Basically I guess I'm asking if there is anything I can do? I see the potential for a wonderful future with this woman but I know that she has a lot of healing to do first.

 

Any help / advice would be very gratefully received. Apologies for the length of the post.

[HLP234]

Sounds like you can talk it out with her if she hasn't gotten upset with you so far. I have a similar situation where she is just going back and forth between being sad and happy...then she tells me I'm not trying when she put me through all this pain with the break that she wanted.

 

So if you can communicate with her, give her time but make sure you guys discuss what is expected of each other from the break. I didn't ask that and now I'm confused as to what am I suppose to do because she keeps contacting me, I try to talk to her to put her in a good mood, and she then gets upset and says she doesn't want to think about the relationship right now she just wants to talk.

 

If we talk normally, she doesn't talk to me like we used to. See how confusing and painful this can be. Just see what is expected of the situation and then go from there.

[usagi]

I'm confused as to what am I suppose to do because she keeps contacting me, I try to talk to her to put her in a good mood, and she then gets upset and says she doesn't want to think about the relationship right now she just wants to talk.

 

 

Thanks HLP

 

My belief is that she wants a break and to not be in the relationship right now. She is unhappy with her career and has recently (in the last 2 weeks) experienced the premature death of a close work colleague. Meanwhile her younger siblings are getting engaged.

 

She is too confused about what she wants to be able to say what she hopes to get from the break. She has said that she doesn't want to get back together now because it would have to 'work and be good straight away for a while' and right now she doesn't feel that it can be.

 

The thing is she is very honest and always has been with me; sometimes that has hurt but it's one of her best traits. I believe she is being honest when she says she doesn't know what she wants.

 

It could be that your ex is in the same place. The relationship is one of the things that she is trying to figure out, and talking to us about it is difficult as we have our own agenda. This is why I'm grateful that my ex is seeking independent professional counseling; there are some things that I am not qualified or capable of helping with. Is your partner also getting help other than from you?

[HLP234]

Well my gf is sad and depressed because she moved to my area to go to school and be closer to me, and she missed home and her friends.

 

Before she moved she hung out with her best friend, a guy. She knew him from before. As soon as she moved closer to me she says she doesn't know what she wants, and she wants the type of connection she has with her best friend, with me..but she says she doesn't like him?

 

I was her best friend for 5 years before we started dating recently..I don't get what connection we don't have and this guy and her do have?

 

So she said she wanted time to be alone and make her decision on what she wants to do. I told her I feel strung along like this and left in the dark and she got pissed and said she would never use me like that.

 

You know what I've been doing? I don't contact her, try not to talk to her, and she comes to me and talks/calls me. Yet when I respond and I try to have a convo with her and talk about the relationship she gets upset and says she just wants to talk and not be pushed.

 

So I leave her alone again and then she talks to me again. Her birthday is today, I told her I would come see her. She said I didn't sound too excited and I told her I will but it will take time for me to be like I used to..she put me through so much pain and I've told her but I don't think she's realized it.

 

Then she switches things around me, and says that "See I'm trying to be happy and go through this and not be sad because I moved away from home, but you don't see that."

 

How can you say that to me? I've definitely been trying to tell her how I feel and talk to her and she gets upset and tells me I'm panicking and being a "pussy " about it, and I'm not letting it be. I dunno how she doesn't see it.

 

So I kept all my texts short and everything and then she was like you are acting weird and I dont like it. She said she felt like I was mad at her. I told her I wasn't all though I'm going through hell trying not to talk to her to give her the time and space she wants.

 

All of a sudden she says she is upset because she doesn't feel like I'm happy with her. I told her she means the world to me and that I love her and I dunno why she thinks that. It seemed like she is unhappy with me.

 

I get to see her today hopefully, but I dunno how I will react. I'm upset and stressed out a little so I dunno if I should pretend to be all happy go lucky, or just try to hide the blah mood she put me in?

 

I just don't get how she tells me it doesn't seem like I'm trying. I don't know how to explain to her that I am when I have told her how I feel about this whole thing and how this break has confused me more than ever. Do i have to talk contact her non stop, I don't want to to do that because we don't even talk like we used to, everything is just short and it doesn't seem like she wants to be put in a good mood when I try and have a convo or make her happy.

Edited November 29, 2009 by HLP234

[usagi]

I think for the time being you're going to have to let her dictate the pace on this relationship, but only for a short period. Be relaxed and the person you were when she fell for you and you were her friend. Try to avoid bringing up the relationship and focus on her as it is her birthday. If she brings it up then don't shy away from it either. Be honest and clear but don't dwell on it. Bring the focus back to her birthday.

 

Good luck.

[HLP234]

She has been dictating the relationship up to this point I think, if I tried to take control she would get upset.

 

I'll try and be myself and not show that I'm hurting or depressed. I've always been myself and I haven't changed in anyway..so i don't know what made her change her mind.

 

I dunno how this friend of hers talks to her or what he says that makes her not see the person I was and still am. I try to make her laugh and stuff like she says he does and it just seems like she doesn't want to give in and go back to the way she was..I mean we had great conversations and laughed and talked so much before she moved here.

 

A few days ago I asked about her birthday and what she would like to do and she accused me of planning her days out and that she didn't say things were back to normal or that we were back like we used to be.

 

I'll just try and remember the old me and not focus on the relationship. When I don't focus on it, she doesn't talk like we used to, so how will it get better if she won't snap from this mood? I can give her all the time she wants but in the meantime, am I suppose to pretend everything is ok?

[usagi]

Well firstly stop trying to be this other friend. You can only ever be yourself. Secondly no, she won't talk like she used to. She is after a break from that and you talking about it is what's putting her back into the mood. It doesn't mean it you two won't talk like that again.

 

No don't pretend everything is ok but likewise don't think that by forcing an answer you'll hear what you want to. It sounds like (although may not be) you are saying you're happy to give her space but on your timescale. That's not how giving someone space works.

 

Hope it goes well.

[HLP234]

Well I have been myself and if I don't act like I'm ok she questions me and thinks I'm mad at her. Its just hard to talk to someone when all the responses are comin back as "yeh, ok, I see, yeh." Makes you wonder what is wrong. And then when suddenly her mood changes she thinks I'm upset at her.