PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I'm a social dolt and I have a really hard time understanding people. I completely hate it when people don't reply to text messages or messages in general. It makes me insecure and pisses me off. I interpret it as a sign of non-interest and withdraw. I've changed people and it continues to happening. What really baffles me recently is that it's also happening with guys who seemed to be interested in me. I just don't understand what people want... I'm not sure if I'm not overreacting here. These are examples of what happened recently: 1. I'm learning salsa at them moment and this guy I know from my dancing school. A couple of weeks ago we went to the monthly party of my school and then proceeded to another party. He's a good advanced dancer and so I asked him a couple of times (at another salsa event he had asked me to dance with him, so I knew he wouldn't mind). He was having fun and I was having fun. The next day he made a completely unnecessary call just to tell me that he hadn't asked me at all and I said, no problem, just ask me next time, and then the connection broke off. Last Saturday I sent a text message out to him and some other guys if they wanted to go out on Sunday, salsa dancing. He called me on Sunday and told me he couldn't and I also had changed my mind by then. If you have to go to work next day it's kind of bad. So, we talked on the phone for an hour about salsa, then he had to do something else, but said we could continue our talk later. I then asked him if he wanted to meet for a pizza. We meet, we talk more about salsa. On the way home we pass a place where they play salsa on Wednesday and he said he wanted to go there and check out their free lesson and I said I'd really want to do that, too. We hadn't really agreed on anything, but I had decided to definitely check out the free lesson. Wednesday I'm in front of this place, the free lesson had started much earlier unlike what was written in their program. So I'm not the kind of person who likes to go out alone. I call him and only get his answering machine. Yesterday, I tried calling him again and also sent him a text message asking him if he was at this salsa festival, the one he had wanted to attend because it would have great dancers and shows and that I also wanted to attend after his description. So far, I haven't received any answer. 2. This guy I met at a friends party. Actually it was both their Halloween party. He was dressed as Michael Jackson and obviously loved dancing. He tried to get me to dance with him, which I did, but I'm not a great dancer. I told him that I was learning salsa at the moment and he asked me to show him some steps. I noticed that he was not uninterested in me, but it was kept at a friendly level. A couple of weeks later he sent me a message and told me we still hadn't gone out dancing (after the party they all went clubbing). I told him about some salsa event that was going to take place in a couple of weeks. To which he replied that he was in and that I should only tell him time and place. On Wednesday I sent a message to him and his friend, who had also expressed interest in salsa, telling him about the salsa party and the free lesson. My friend replied, he didn't. He was online that day, but didn't reply to my message. Since then he has been online a couple of days and still hasn't replied. I could continue with other similar stories, but I don't think I'm a good storyteller and I don't want to bore anybody here. I think, you're getting my drift. It's happening with my girlfriends and now it's also happening with guys who like me. I've wondered if my approach was wrong. Should I call people instead of sending text messages or emails? On the other hand, one of the guys who doesn't reply to my text messages in general also sent me a text message asking me if I wanted to go dancing with him. Is my emotional response inappropriate? I find replying is the least thing you can do if you want to decline a suggestion. Are you one of the people who don't reply to messages? Do you get away with that? I just know if I start mentioning it or even complaining people will consider me to be oversensitive, but I'm so unwilling to accept this and proceed with the friendship as if nothing has happened. I'm also not the kind of person who will then start to treat people the same way. I also get stood up all the time: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203549/ Something is totally screwed up here and I don't know what it is. What can I do to improve the situation?
Pedigree Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Are you one of the people who don't reply to messages? Do you get away with that? I just know if I start mentioning it or even complaining people will consider me to be oversensitive, but I'm so unwilling to accept this and proceed with the friendship as if nothing has happened. I'm also not the kind of person who will then start to treat people the same way. Something is totally screwed up here and I don't know what it is. What can I do to improve the situation? I'm a guy, so I don't know if this is just the way different genders work. For me when I get a message from a friend and I don't reply, it simply means that it's not urgent enough for me to respond to it. It just means that the next time I meet the person, I'll be sure to drop in with "Hey, I got your message" throughout the course of the meeting. The treatment goes both ways.
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Hm, ok. Do you ever send messages like "Want to go to XX tomorrow night/tonight/now?" Doesn't it irritate you when people don't reply?
Odyssey Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 It's not a gender thing. It just mean they're not interested. The worst is being strung along...they say they would go/do something with you, but don't actually want to. Just make sure you bring it up next time you speak/meet...just to remind them of the issue. Eventually they'll learn that you're not a walk over. Respect. If nothing else...it's courtesy.
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 I'm not interested in them and I certainly made zero effort to date them or whatever. It's the other way round and that's why I now really do not get it at all.
Odyssey Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 There's too much misunderstanding. Talk don't text.
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 What's to be misunderstood about "Hey, want to go to XXX tomorrow night?" I certainly don't discuss anything via text messages.
Odyssey Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I'm not interested in them and I certainly made zero effort to date them or whatever. It's the other way round and that's why I now really do not get it at all.If you're not interested and make zero effort. I could be wrong, but why do you hate it? Why do you take it so personally?
Devil Inside Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 It does seem rude to me. If you ask somebody something...via text, email, or phone, especially when they showed interest...you would think that they would respond at some point. I do have friends that just don't respond if they are not interested. Which is kind of rude. However, more than one person I know does this...so maybe it is a generational thing...how old are these guys?
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 If you're not interested and make zero effort. I could be wrong, but why do you hate it? Why do you take it so personally? I'm expressing some interest in hanging out with them or I'm being considerate and they just ignore me. It makes me completely insecure. Or in the case of the other thread, people approach me, make suggestions, I agree and then suddenly I get stood up. Holy ****ing ****. Getting stood up is not fun, but in these cases being the one who had not even initiated this whole business is really annoying.
Devil Inside Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I'm expressing some interest in hanging out with them or I'm being considerate and they just ignore me. It makes me completely insecure. Or in the case of the other thread, people approach me, make suggestions, I agree and then suddenly I get stood up. Holy ****ing ****. Getting stood up is not fun, but in these cases being the one who had not even initiated this whole business is really annoying. For it to go from you being annoyed to you being insecure tells me that you have some cognitive distortions going on. They are rude..doesn't mean anything about you...don't own their behavior.
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 It does seem rude to me. If you ask somebody something...via text, email, or phone, especially when they showed interest...you would think that they would respond at some point. I do have friends that just don't respond if they are not interested. Which is kind of rude. However, more than one person I know does this...so maybe it is a generational thing...how old are these guys? Mid-twenties to mid-thirties. I just know, if I ask them, even when it's in a friendly way, they will feel pushed or they will just say, yeah, I forgot to answer, or whatever.
Devil Inside Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Mid-twenties to mid-thirties. I just know, if I ask them, even when it's in a friendly way, they will feel pushed or they will just say, yeah, I forgot to answer, or whatever. Hmmm..that is my age range...guess these guys just don't have manners.
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 For it to go from you being annoyed to you being insecure tells me that you have some cognitive distortions going on. They are rude..doesn't mean anything about you...don't own their behavior. Ok, might be true. But I'm still allowed to ignore and get rid of them, right? I mean, I do not have to take it, because I'm oversensitive?
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 For it to go from you being annoyed to you being insecure tells me that you have some cognitive distortions going on. They are rude..doesn't mean anything about you...don't own their behavior. Well, I'm angry, because they're wasting my time and I become insecure, because I think they're doing this, because they think I'm stupid and therefore I will accept it. But I might be completely irrational as well...
Devil Inside Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Ok, might be true. But I'm still allowed to ignore and get rid of them, right? I mean, I do not have to take it, because I'm oversensitive? You should never let someone treat you in a rude manner...on that I agree. However, this is where healthy boundaries come in. To completely ignore and shut someone out is a wall...an unhealthy and rigid boundary. A more healthy boundary would be to address the issue. Maybe these guys will surprise you and apologize and act differently next time.
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 You should never let someone treat you in a rude manner...on that I agree. However, this is where healthy boundaries come in. To completely ignore and shut someone out is a wall...an unhealthy and rigid boundary. A more healthy boundary would be to address the issue. Maybe these guys will surprise you and apologize and act differently next time. What do you do with your friends who don't reply?
Devil Inside Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 What do you do with your friends who don't reply? For starters...it is something that I have come to accept about one particular person I am thinking about. We have, however, had the discussion. I have told him that I see it as rude when I contact him and he can't at least say no. So most of the time he does respond now...even if it takes longer than most. I know this and expect it. So when I do call him, I don't count on him. Kind of a bummer...but we have a casual relationship, so it's no biggie. I also know this is how he is in general...so I don't take it personally. If I am needing to do something that will require a quick response...I don't call on him. See that is where I am seeing the cognitive distortion in your posts. That you feel there is something wrong with you when they don't reply...their is not...there is something wrong with them. Don't worry. There are people out there that have manners and will respond...hang in there.
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 For starters...it is something that I have come to accept about one particular person I am thinking about. We have, however, had the discussion. I have told him that I see it as rude when I contact him and he can't at least say no. So most of the time he does respond now...even if it takes longer than most. I know this and expect it. So when I do call him, I don't count on him. Kind of a bummer...but we have a casual relationship, so it's no biggie. I also know this is how he is in general...so I don't take it personally. If I am needing to do something that will require a quick response...I don't call on him. See that is where I am seeing the cognitive distortion in your posts. That you feel there is something wrong with you when they don't reply...their is not...there is something wrong with them. Don't worry. There are people out there that have manners and will respond...hang in there. Thanks for your reply. Ok, I will mention it to all of them and if they do it again they're out. By the way, guy #1 just called. I didn't pick up the phone though.
Malenfant Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Thanks for your reply. Ok, I will mention it to all of them and if they do it again they're out. By the way, guy #1 just called. I didn't pick up the phone though. oh well, i guess he wont be calling back then. either you're being too vague with your requests, or you're being too pushy, or maybe they just dont want to go to salsa classes! maybe if you chilled out and just did stuff you like to do without having to take someone with you, you'd end up meeting people who have the same interests as you. that way you wouldnt have to pursuade them into going with you.
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 oh well, i guess he wont be calling back then. either you're being too vague with your requests, or you're being too pushy, or maybe they just dont want to go to salsa classes! maybe if you chilled out and just did stuff you like to do without having to take someone with you, you'd end up meeting people who have the same interests as you. that way you wouldnt have to pursuade them into going with you. While I think it's nice that people make the effort to reply, it would be nicer if they would also read the posts. In none of the posts I said that I wanted to drag people to any events they didn't want to go. The guy is from my salsa school and it was also him who told me about the salsa party on Wednesday and that he wanted to check out the class. I asked him why since he clearly does not need more beginners lesson and he half-jokingly said he still would need them. And it was him who said that the salsa festival he wanted to attend was better than the salsa party I was going to. I think if you tried to call someone on Wednesday and he gets back to you on Sunday evening, that's quite late. I'm not going to claim that my reactions are the best, that's why I'm asking for feedback here. I understand it that you have to cut people some slack and it's always possible that something comes between you and your plans, but if situations like these happen over and over again, there's something going wrong. Is it me, is it them, is it whatever?
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 I think I'm becoming a hermit now, a happy nun or something like that... So, taking Devil Inside's comment to heart I dropped guy #2 a message asking him why he didn't reply and that his friend did. His reply was that he and his friend are one. If his friend replied, so did he as well. And that he would sooo love to learn salsa with me, but that their work schedule conflicts with their leisure and that maybe I should teach them. Why is it that I'm getting older, but understanding people and what they want doesn't get easier at all??
carhill Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Try investing your time, energy and emotion in different people. Big world, lots of people. BTW, can a guy with two left feet learn to salsa? The only time I am 'one of those people' is when I get the sense that a particular person is only contacting me when they want something, specifically to whore my skillset. They get a nice silence sandwich. Otherwise, I'm very responsive.
Author PlumPrincess Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Try investing your time, energy and emotion in different people. Big world, lots of people. . It's true that it's a big world, but it's always good to do a reality check once in a while and when you realize that you're the only one who always has the same problem and you're the only constant then it's time to take some steps. BTW, can a guy with two left feet learn to salsa? You can learn anything if you want to. I don't think I'm a very gifted person when it comes to coordinating body movements and being in tune with the rhythm, but after three months it has improved quite. Do you want me to share my salsa wisdom with you?
carhill Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Since my stbx used to criticize my dancing, it will be something I'll work on once the emotions of divorce have departed. Looking in the mirror is healthy IMO; deciphering a difference between global and specific dynamics should also be a part of that equation. IOW, look at the totality of your life and put these instances in their proper place in that totality. MC helped me with that acceptance and to better differentiate between global issues and those specific to individual dynamics. Balance
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