Arabella Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 We broke up for second time four days ago. I've stared at the last few, cruel texts that he sent me until I couldn't even bring myself to be angry or cry anymore. That was our last exchange, and we have been NC since. We could have been so happy together a few years down the road, but the timing wasn't right. Over the past few weeks, I came to realize that this just wasn't going to work. I would try to let go... but he wouldn't let me. Now he's done it finally, and four days later... I'm fine with it and I think it was the best we could do. I don't want him back. I feel relieved the constant struggle is over. I just feel numb right now. I love him and I am concerned about him still, but it's not the sort of passionate, engulfing love that I used to have for him. It's cold and aloof. Now we're both free to find happiness - whatever it might mean. Three weeks ago, the thought of him with someone else would have turned my insides upside down. Right now, I only wish he finds someone who can make him happy. It feels like my emotions have died on me. I don't know if this is the result of coping... or it's just that the hope began to die long before today, and with it, went the rest. Arabella
Odyssey Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Sorry to hear about the breakup, I'd thought you were doing well, since i haven't seen you posting on here for awhile (no news is good news, right)? Arabella, it's part of the coping process - we truly moved on when there's no hope left.
Author Arabella Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 I've been posting, over on the break up forum... it seems like we just couldn't ever just -be- happy. Every time I thought we were... I would find out about something new. Here's the thread I started on the last one. I just can't get over the cruelty of his behavior. Three days prior, he was telling my best friend how much he cared about me. Then he just blew up at me for no reason. This morning, I woke up thinking of him. I stared at those texts again. Then I wondered. Is it love, if you have no respect or consideration for the person you're with? Was it ever? I wish I knew... Arabella
Author Arabella Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 (edited) I guess I kinda lied. I'm not as numb as I want to be, because I'm still feeling something. They're just... muted emotions. Like I've surrounded my heart with a ton of cotton balls and I can barely feel anything. I'm still angry. I still feel pain. But the most dominant emotion right now, is the regret of how he chose to end things. He could have just stated what he wanted nicely... but instead he chose to blow up at me. For no reason at all. I'm thinking I want to text him, or email him, and try to mend things. Not mend them so we can be together - I don't want that. Mend them so we can have a good memory of our last contact. But then maybe he'll ignore me, and if he does that, the padding will go away and I will feel the full force of the pain and anger again... because once more, he will simply not have cared enough to do what's right. Arabella Edited November 29, 2009 by Arabella
Odyssey Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Just caught up with your posts. Ouch! What a mess. He must of known that you would catch onto that email, when he asked you to log onto his account?!? You should ask yourself if you can really trust this person or not. If the answer is no, then you've got to ask yourself this next question: why would you want to be with someone you can't trust? Move on. I am a firm believer that you cannot expect someone (anyone) to show any more respect for you than you show for yourself. If you don't trust this guy because of his lies and dishonest behavior (past or present), then you need to demonstrate that the behavior is unacceptable to you and that you deserve better... ...I think you're better off without all his drama. But then again, you know him better than me.
Author Arabella Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 You're right. I don't really want him back anymore... but I'm hurting anyway because he couldn't be bothered to end things properly. He drug out the whole situation of the email for two weeks. I gave him time because he was going through a rough patch, while he was telling me that we would talk about it. I'm not sure that I even care about that particular piece of drama anymore. I'm just hurt that he didn't respect me enough to end things right. I explained more about how the break up went and the things he said here. After all, this is the one thing I can't get over. The anger and the hurt of how he handled that specific situation. I deserved better... Arabella
trueblue72ny Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 It IS relieving when you feel that relentless emotional struggle over. i remember feeling safer in my life. i remember holding onto everything for so long, than all the sudden one day out of the blue, all the feelings just went, wooosh! everything gone. its like i woke up and said thank god thats over with. i like your cotton ball analogy.
Author Arabella Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 I do feel relieved. One of the last things we talked about, a couple nights before he blew up at me, was the constant push/pull we had going, and how it needed to go away. He agreed with me. He knew I wasn't happy with how things had been and how they only seemed to keep getting worse. Now, I think his reaction was an answer to this. He could either: put some effort and fix our relationship, or break things off. He felt that couldn't put any effort in, because of his other issues... so he did this instead. It was so exhausting, but at least it's over. Now I just have to work through the leaky bag of emotions he left me holding. Maybe then I'll be able to contact him and see if we can be civil. Arabella
Odyssey Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I'm just hurt that he didn't respect me enough to end things right. I explained more about how the break up went and the things he said here. After all, this is the one thing I can't get over. The anger and the hurt of how he handled that specific situation. I deserved better...Mmmm...a sad and immature silent NC breakup. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". I'm not sure what they say about a third time though? He's definitely got plenty of issues to work through, and he can only do it himself because they are not your issues. Because in the end, you can not really change someone. I don't know how you'd actually put up with him for so long!? I'm exhausted just reading and imagining what he's like. Be glad it's finally over...consider it as a bullet dodged. Just focus and look after yourself Arabella. Hang in there...
Author Arabella Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Thanks for your response, Odyssey. That's what I keep telling myself, that I dodged a bullet with this guy. But deep down, I still have the feeling that if he had been on medical treatment for his BPD, we could have been very happy together. I guess that's why I didn't let go sooner. It's in my nature to support those I care about. I knew that he had to sort his issues out by himself, but I wanted to be there for him, so we could eventually be together the way we were meant to. So much for that... Arabella
Author Arabella Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 (edited) So I did it. I managed to collect my thoughts into one long, thoughtfully written letter. In it, I expressed my regret about how our last exchange went, and reflected upon the relationship. I also said that I believe moving on is what's best for both of us, but I would still like to be friends, because I care about him a great deal. I threw it into the mailbox and part of me is already regretting it. I feel so vulnerable right now. That letter contained all the good feelings and wishes I have left for him. If he ignores the letter, which is more than likely, all the work of the past few days to... stop feeling... will have been for nothing. It will hurt all over again. But, what's done is done... Now I brace myself. Edit: I sent him a text to let him know of the letter, asking him to read it and saying that I hope he's well. No response. Ugh. Even that alone hurt.... Arabella Edited December 1, 2009 by Arabella
Author Arabella Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I woke up today and I felt like hell. That text was definitely not a good idea. I checked my phone hoping for a response like five times throughout the night. But later in the afternoon when I got out of class, this strange feeling of peace washed over me. I feel like this guy and I will meet again sometime down the road. He said "we'll talk again some day" and I didn't believe him (not after he blew up at me like he did) but right now it really feels like we might. I don't regret the letter anymore. It was very thoughtful, full of good wishes, and I extended an offer to be friends. He knows the value that has to me, and I know he doesn't forget easily. Maybe one day he'll look at that letter and decide he's ready. Maybe he won't. Either way, I've done all I could. Now I move on... there are other fish in the sea. Arabella
Trinitron Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Arabella, at the start of your post I wanted to tell you that the reality of the breakup had set in and that is why you were able to feel somewhat comfortable. Your follow on posts indicated maybe this wasn't the case, you've got to get back to that vibe of being OK with reality again. Oh and I know you won't like this but you've got to go NC. Trinitron
Author Arabella Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Trinitron, You may be right but... I'm just not a NC kinda girl. If I do NC with this guy will be because he imposes it on me, not because of my own choice. I guess it's a bit of a strange situation. I wanted to break up with him before but he would always talk me out of it... and it worked because I cared so much about him. Then he ended up pushing me out of his life when he couldn't cope with our relationship. I feel I can compartmentalize when it comes to us. Our relationship has run its course and I knew that for some time. But our friendship didn't have to. That's the part that really hurts me... I didn't want to lose him. Arabella
sean1970 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 But our friendship didn't have to. That's the part that really hurts me... I didn't want to lose him. Arabella... Friendship? Do you have any other friends that would treat you like this? What would you tell a friend if this was their situation?
XKatieX Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 If you stay friends with him it will hurt more especially if you see him with someone else and that he no longer feels the same way about you anymore. I'd go NC all the way. You'll just give yourself more pain if you stay in contact, trust me.
Author Arabella Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) Arabella... Friendship? Do you have any other friends that would treat you like this? What would you tell a friend if this was their situation? Human beings are curious creatures. When he's okay, he is an extraordinarily affectionate, polite and agreeable person. He just hasn't been okay in so long... I see your point. He's been a jerk to me, and I know that. I should be angry with him, and I am. But the reason why I'm angry is that he refuses to fight his mental illness and lets it go untreated... and it keeps getting worse. If you stay friends with him it will hurt more especially if you see him with someone else and that he no longer feels the same way about you anymore. I'd go NC all the way. You'll just give yourself more pain if you stay in contact, trust me. Not really, honestly. I feel I've already moved on past the stage of trying to save our romance. I want him to be happy. I want to be happy too. That wasn't going to happen together. Two days before he blew up at me, he was sending an email to my best friend (who is not his biggest fan...) assuring her he cares about me. That very well may be the reason why he's gone NC? When he ended things, he said he needed to "move on". He kept reiterating he just can't handle a relationship at this point and needs to be alone. I think he's simply trying to get over the feelings he has still because he does not foresee a point in which things will be well enough to give me what I want. Like I said... his mental illness just keeps worsening and now he's dealing with even more pressure in real life. I realize the situation is kind of ... unique and I might not make much sense when I say that I want to be friends with someone who's treated me so poorly. Maybe it doesn't make sense. I didn't say I was sane lol. I guess I just feel it's what I would do for someone I care about... because I can't justify bailing on him when he's going through such a rough time. Even if he doesn't want anyone's support (he's that kind of person), I feel it is right to offer it anyway, and let him know I am here if he changes his mind. Arabella Edited December 2, 2009 by Arabella spelling
Trinitron Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Arabella, At the root hope is really a good thing, but........ when you're desperately trying to somehow keep hope in a failed relationship this is a bad thing(trust me). The disaster I was just in proves it, I was a doormat for her nothing more nothing less(maybe less), and you know what? I still can't leave my phone in the other room, I HOPE she'll call and realize her mistakes, I know she won't but............... Only time will get rid of the hope. Oh, and NC. Trinitron
Author Arabella Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Trinitron, I know what you mean about the phone obsession. That thing used to be an extension of my hand, we texted so much. Now I leave it on my purse, or in another room just to keep myself from thinking about him constantly and want to text him. Is it so odd that I hold hope that we can be friends though? We had so many things in common... we shared so much. It's difficult to let go of that I know we aren't right for each other and I don't really want all that struggle of a relationship back. Arabella
trueblue72ny Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 i dont think its odd that you want to be friends. you like him as a person. it will just take a little time to reconnect as friends. who knows, you could meet someone by then and not think about it anymore. i know right know that is hard to feel and you probably dont want too.
Author Arabella Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 (edited) I'm actually kinda excited about being free again. This relationship hadn't worked for so long. I had all the obligations toward him and none of the benefits of a relationship (companionship, intimacy, someone to talk to, etc). I want to have that again with someone who wants it too. I know it could take a while and I'm fine with waiting... it just scares me that because of how things ended, he'll just never want to talk again. He's not the sort of guy to stay friends with exes. In fact, it feels like he doesn't even have close female friends. Either you're his girlfriend (or he thinks you might one day be...) or you're nothing. Heh, I guess in the end what it comes down to is that I'm not really mourning and coping with the loss of the relationship. I'm coping with the loss of my kindred spirit. It's so hard to let go of that... miss him so much. Arabella Edited December 3, 2009 by Arabella
Author Arabella Posted December 4, 2009 Author Posted December 4, 2009 He should have gotten my letter yesterday or today. Over the past couple of days, I managed to convince myself that he's not going to respond... so it won't hurt quite so much when he doesn't. Past couple of days have been difficult. I miss him so much. I keep wanting to tell him something that's happened that I know he would find funny and/or interesting and then I remember I'm not supposed to. Ugh... Arabella
Author Arabella Posted December 15, 2009 Author Posted December 15, 2009 It's been a few days so figured I'd update my pity-party thread. Today makes almost 3 wk I haven't heard from my ex-SO. He never replied to my letter, as expected. I have a feeling he read it though. I still miss him. I still think about him a lot, and hope he is ok. But as days go by, I feel the affection for him begin to wane. Suddenly the notion of never speaking to him again doesn't seem as unbearable anymore. Even after how he treated me, I used to think the world of him. These 3 weeks have given me a lot of perspective on everything he did to me. I have been sending him occasional emails chatting about nothing important. I did it so he would know that I was here when he was ready to be friends. I hoped we would eventually have that. But I'm feeling the anger rising again. It's not the same hot-headed anger as when things blew up. This is the cool, deep anger that comes with the perspective of seeing the things he did for what they were. I gave him everything. My unconditional love, trust, patience, respect and adoration. He never gave me anything in return. Now I keep toying with the idea of sending him a few texts to give him a piece of my mind about the kind of miserable person he is and then go NC for life. I'm not sure I'm ready for that... but the way I'm feeling these days, it sure looks like I might be soon... Arabella
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