selfish man

[katvondee]

I met my husband four years ago and in that time we have had two children and because of that i have suffered post natal depression twice and we also got married just recently. Now the problem is that he says i dont show him enough affection or give him enough sex and because of this he goes in a huff for days on end. I try to explain to him that ive been looking after the kids so sometimes iam tired or because of the depression i suffered you have your good days and bad days but he never takes this into consideration. All he seems to do is listen to himself and because of this he has called me fridgid and all sorts and i have been nothing but good to him. I buy him nice things all the time i drive him to work and drive him to places he wants to go. It just feels like iam doing every day things like house keeping and getting him what he wants to keep the peace. but dont get me wrong i love to keep my husband happy and make him feel apreciated and stuff but it just seems like iam getting my kindness used as a weakness of which iam not weak. I dont know is he using sex as a weapon or trying to control me in some way i dont get it relationships are not meant to be this hard. any advise would be much appriecieated:cool:

[deux ex machina]

With those babies running about, the post-partum depression, and the swiftness of meeting to marriage; it's little wonder you are both at loose ends.

 

You need serious couple time.

 

Any ideas on how to get that?

[Ronni_W]

Couple time, yes. But also time for yourself, kat. Even if it's just an hour a week...of course, more if you can swing it.

Exchange babysitting with another mom in your area. Sometimes, take your kids to her house, then come back and just soak in the tub / give yourself a mini home spa. Or sign-up for a general interest class. Yoga or pottery, or something else. And join a "moms and tots" group...or start one in your area, maybe with help from another mom or two.

 

You could also tell your husband what type of practical help you need from him, with the kids and around the house. Help him to understand that he can support his own cause by helping you to feel-experience something other than just physical, mental and emotional exhaustion and depletion.

 

Hugs, and best of luck with turning things around for yourself, as well as getting hubby's help to do that in your marriage.

[Malenfant]

you do everything for him, and apart from a bit of a lack of sex, he's still not happy and doesnt appreciate you.

 

If i were you i'd stop doing all this stuff for him, its obviously a thankless task and maybe when he has to do some of this work he'll realise exactly what you do do for him and your children.

 

he sounds like a spoiled brat, so stop spoiling him and see what happens.

[katvondee]

thanks for the replies guys ive tried getting him to help and he does for a few days and if he doesnt get sex or attention as he likes to call it lol then it all goes back to square 1. i dont want to go into too much detail but we have sex i would say an average of 1 a week and i say to him your lucky because most men are lucky if they get it 1 a month.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

So boff him three times a week. Don't you like sex? Is he bad at it? Do you find any pleasure/stress relief/good feelings from having sex at all? Do you O? I've found that even when I'm 'not in the mood', I often quickly get in the mood once we get going, but I also always O. So it's not drudgery going in (lol), I know I'm going to enjoy it even if it's really the last thing on my mind at the start. Plus, I've found I really enjoy morning sex, and my husband has discovered that I am much more amiable to being approached then instead of at the end of a long day of chasing children.

 

Let him know in no uncertain terms that pouting is a major turn-off. The plus side of morning sex, too, is that there is no time to pout beforehand, you just wake and go.

 

Also, are you mis-applying your energies toward the wrong things to 'make him happy'? Be honest with yourself about how much time you spend making YOURSELF happy, vs how much of that is to make him happy. In other words, don't make the mistake of giving yourself points in the wife category when really it belongs in the self category.

[OneTwo]

...I buy him nice things all the time i drive him to work and drive him to places he wants to go. It just feels like iam doing every day things like house keeping and getting him what he wants to keep the peace.....I dont know is he using sex as a weapon or trying to control me in some way i dont get it relationships are not meant to be this hard. any advise would be much appriecieated:cool:

 

 

OK, so it sounds like you are doing everything under the sun except for the one thing that he wants: sex and intimacy. Why is that? Since you are tired much of the time, why not stop doing all that running around so that you will have time and energy for intimacy? Why is it that we see so many stories on LS about women who will run themselves ragged, but they won't have sex with their husbands?

 

And, it seems that the number one reason given for not wanting sex is that the women are too busy and too tired for sex. Yet the women are willfully doing all of this busy running around and are create thier own problem. I don't see hundreds of posts on here about men upset that their wives are not doing enough running around and chores. Do most women prefer to do menial tasks to the point of exhaustion rather than have a healthy sex life with their husbands?

 

I guess I don't get it.

[Malenfant]

thanks for the replies guys ive tried getting him to help and he does for a few days and if he doesnt get sex or attention as he likes to call it lol then it all goes back to square 1. i dont want to go into too much detail but we have sex i would say an average of 1 a week and i say to him your lucky because most men are lucky if they get it 1 a month.

 

so in his mind he's only helping so he can get sex, and when it doesnt happen, he then refuses to help.

thats very nice of him.

 

personally i cant think of anything less sexy than someone whining and moaning that they're not getting it.

 

as for poster above, some women have to do all these things because their husbands are lazy and inconsiderate, they have to run around and do all the household chores or else they wont get done.

are you suggesting they neglect their children and homes just so they can sexually satisfy a lazy, selfish man who does nothing to help?

[reddog63]

I met my husband four years ago and in that time we have had two children and because of that i have suffered post natal depression twice and we also got married just recently. Now the problem is that he says i dont show him enough affection or give him enough sex and because of this he goes in a huff for days on end. I try to explain to him that ive been looking after the kids so sometimes iam tired or because of the depression i suffered you have your good days and bad days but he never takes this into consideration. All he seems to do is listen to himself and because of this he has called me fridgid and all sorts and i have been nothing but good to him. I buy him nice things all the time i drive him to work and drive him to places he wants to go. It just feels like iam doing every day things like house keeping and getting him what he wants to keep the peace. but dont get me wrong i love to keep my husband happy and make him feel apreciated and stuff but it just seems like iam getting my kindness used as a weakness of which iam not weak. I dont know is he using sex as a weapon or trying to control me in some way i dont get it relationships are not meant to be this hard. any advise would be much appriecieated

 

 

Lets look at the other side of the fence from a male perspective. He has gone thru your two post pardum episodes and he is feeling like he is not getting enough intimacy. You say later that you have sex once a week and that he should be happy as most get once a month. Just you saying this last sentence tells me your relationship with your husband is not a priority. And that is fine as long as you are willing to be single sometime in the future.

 

So, basically you are saying his feeling are totally unfounded? He has no basis whatsoever? I doubt this is the case. And I concur with a previous poster who mentioned how women drive themselves ragged. My wife would volunteer for stuff in addition to working full time and everything else.......I told her many a time, why do you take on everything?? My conclusion is that it is just in a womans nature to do so...........and in itself is not wrong.......but it does come at an expense of being tired and neglecting your relationship.

 

 

so in his mind he's only helping so he can get sex, and when it doesnt happen, he then refuses to help.

thats very nice of him.

 

personally i cant think of anything less sexy than someone whining and moaning that they're not getting it.

 

as for poster above, some women have to do all these things because their husbands are lazy and inconsiderate, they have to run around and do all the household chores or else they wont get done.

are you suggesting they neglect their children and homes just so they can sexually satisfy a lazy, selfish man who does nothing to help?

 

No wonder why there are so many divorces. You went from the first paragraph to............lazy selfish man who does nothing to help? Are you a feminist? Divorced if I had to guess.

 

What someone was trying to suggest was paying more attention to your relationship and your spouses's needs. At least that is what I got out of it.

 

This leads to an overall basic question. Where do you women see the husbands place in the family............husband then children or children, household chores, dog, kids dance practice, soccer practice, and then if there is ANY more energy, the husband?

[Mr-T]

No wonder why there are so many divorces. You went from the first paragraph to............lazy selfish man who does nothing to help? Are you a feminist? Divorced if I had to guess.

 

What someone was trying to suggest was paying more attention to your relationship and your spouses's needs. At least that is what I got out of it.

 

This leads to an overall basic question. Where do you women see the husbands place in the family............husband then children or children, household chores, dog, kids dance practice, soccer practice, and then if there is ANY more energy, the husband?

 

Perhaps there was an element of sarcasm in the first paragraph, hence the roll eyes smiley.

 

I dont think that its the view of a devorced feminist, Just the view of someone that has a different outlook on life as you.

[Malenfant]

No wonder why there are so many divorces. You went from the first paragraph to............lazy selfish man who does nothing to help? Are you a feminist? Divorced if I had to guess.

 

Well if thinking that the man should help around the house and stuff makes me a feminist then I guess I am.

and no, not divorced, actually very happily married. what a ridiculous chauvinistic comment.

OP's description of her husband is that of a selfish person, the thread is called 'selfish man' FFS! i would say the same if it were a man talking about a selfish wife. the gender is not the issue, its how he is acting.

 

What someone was trying to suggest was paying more attention to your relationship and your spouses's needs. At least that is what I got out of it.

 

I didnt get that, i saw someone blaming women for their men being unhappy. in this situation, i dont think that is called for.

 

This leads to an overall basic question. Where do you women see the husbands place in the family............husband then children or children, household chores, dog, kids dance practice, soccer practice, and then if there is ANY more energy, the husband?

 

the point is they should take care of these things together.

Remember i am talking about OP's post here,

If her husband helped more, she'd have more time and energy for him.

 

Its ridiculous that my comments have been turned on me implying that i'm sexist towards men. I'm not at all.

I think a marriage should be equal, i dont see why that makes me a feminist.

 

I'm not having a go at men, i'm having a go at people who are selfish and dont help their partners, be it a man or a woman.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

If her husband helped more, she'd have more time and energy for him.

 

And how is that to be accomplished? How does this suggestion help the OP at all? "Oh, have your husband help out more." Um, okay, that always works. not.

 

It's a great suggestion that SHE just stop doing everything! Quit using up all her energy...she knows better than us what things she is doing that she can let go of.

 

This is going to sound sexist, but I actually read it somewhere, it was researched: Men will adjust to what is expected of them when it comes to the home. They pretty much start at zero (come home from work, sit on sofa, wait for her to hand him remote and beer, lol), and only if the remote isn't handed will he get up to get it. If someone else will take out the trash, he won't do it, if someone else does the laundry, he won't, etc...BUT, he won't sit there and do nothing if these things aren't getting done. Most won't anyway, I'm sure we all know some piggy guys. (and gals) Point is, if she just stops doing, he will very likely pick up her slack--at least on the stuff that's important to him and his kids--without her even asking him to do it.

 

Give it a try, OP. Give up a task or three and wait a week or two and see if he doesn't take it over.

[Malenfant]

And how is that to be accomplished? How does this suggestion help the OP at all? "Oh, have your husband help out more." Um, okay, that always works. not.

 

It's a great suggestion that SHE just stop doing everything! Quit using up all her energy...she knows better than us what things she is doing that she can let go of.

 

This is going to sound sexist, but I actually read it somewhere, it was researched: Men will adjust to what is expected of them when it comes to the home. They pretty much start at zero (come home from work, sit on sofa, wait for her to hand him remote and beer, lol), and only if the remote isn't handed will he get up to get it. If someone else will take out the trash, he won't do it, if someone else does the laundry, he won't, etc...BUT, he won't sit there and do nothing if these things aren't getting done. Most won't anyway, I'm sure we all know some piggy guys. (and gals) Point is, if she just stops doing, he will very likely pick up her slack--at least on the stuff that's important to him and his kids--without her even asking him to do it.

 

Give it a try, OP. Give up a task or three and wait a week or two and see if he doesn't take it over.

 

i dont understand why your first comment is disagreeing with me? as essentially we're saying the same thing.

If you'll read my earlier post, i suggested the OP do exactly this, stop doing all these things and see what happens.

[hopeful1980]

I've been where you are. It isn't easy. This is my advice to you and it is what has worked for me.

 

Make a set number of times per week that you will have sex with your husband. Remember to act enthusiastic about it or it won't count.

 

In order to do this, you are going to have to make time. This means putting your children on a schedule AND finding time for yourself. Making time for yourself and doing things you enjoy is key to the entire equation. When you are good to yourself first, you harbor less resentment. Find time in each day to do something that makes you feel good and something that you enjoy (one of each). It can be as simple as taking a shower and reading a few pages of a book you've been putting off. You do this because the fact of the matter is if you don't take care of yourself and be good to yourself you will grow bitter and feel like a martyr who does everything for everyone else with little appreciation. Sex will become like a chore that is one more thing that you have to do on top of a litany of things you already have to do. The only way to free yourself from this line of thinking is to be good to yourself.

 

The more you take care of yourself, the less resentful and tired you will feel. If that means the dishes aren't washed or dinner isn't ready on time, so be it. No one will die if you take some time to yourself and you'll actually be happier and be a better wife and mother. Once you are feeling relaxed seize the opportunity to initiate sex with your husband. Do it the very moment you feel it because the feeling may not last long. If he's not home when you are feeling good, call him or text him and let him know that you want to have sex that night. That way you're already "locked in" so to speak to doing it. If he's not home at the time and you've called him to let him know, get yourself ready and the house ready for his arrival. You do this to also keep yourself in the mood. Take a shower, shave your legs, fix your hair, put on makeup, nice ligerie, drink a glass of wine, put the kids to bed, etc. When he comes home, just give him what he wants as soon as he walks through the door. Don't give him a chance to open his mouth (because he might say something stupid that ruins the mood).

 

But remember, you'll only be up for it if you take care of yourself first. Otherwise, you'll only be thinking about how selfish he is and why do you have to do everything, blah blah blah. Take care of yourself and those thoughts will lessen. Take care of him and he'll be more likely to take care of you. Make the effort.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

To Malenfant: I guess I was responding to your statement about how women *have to* run ragged because the men won't do those things. At least, that's how I took it. Yes, we are very much in agreement that she should stop!

 

Having very small children makes it extra-difficult for mom to take care of herself, because it usually feels selfish to do so. "They NEED me, they're HELPLESS, etc." I so get that, I struggled with it greatly when I was home with a 2yo, 1yo, and a newborn, with one in first grade. HARD, very unsexy times. Especially with a selfish man. Hopeful's suggestion to do what you enjoy is important. Do something you enjoy, and sit back to allow your husband to take over some of the day-to-day, and you'll find sexy again.

[reddog63]

Well if thinking that the man should help around the house and stuff makes me a feminist then I guess I am.

and no, not divorced, actually very happily married. what a ridiculous chauvinistic comment.

OP's description of her husband is that of a selfish person, the thread is called 'selfish man' FFS! i would say the same if it were a man talking about a selfish wife. the gender is not the issue, its how he is acting.

 

 

 

I didnt get that, i saw someone blaming women for their men being unhappy. in this situation, i dont think that is called for.

 

 

 

the point is they should take care of these things together.

Remember i am talking about OP's post here,

If her husband helped more, she'd have more time and energy for him.

 

Its ridiculous that my comments have been turned on me implying that i'm sexist towards men. I'm not at all.

I think a marriage should be equal, i dont see why that makes me a feminist.

 

I'm not having a go at men, i'm having a go at people who are selfish and dont help their partners, be it a man or a woman.

 

 

 

If you re-read the OP post, it does not say he is sitting around the house doing nothing. If I had to infer, he works and she is a stay at home mom. He is supposedly selfish because he is not being understanding enough that she is tired and he has the nerve to complain of lack of intimacy. And I guessed you were possibly a feminist because you were quick to infer he is a lazy husband when I do not read that from the post.

 

You say the point is they should take care of these things together. The point I get out of this story is the husband is basically pleading for more sex and intimacy. He has gone thru two post pardoms also and has a wife who is too tired to meet his need. And also, how many posts do we see where the husband does share in the work load and still gets little improvement in the sex dept.

 

And I did not get many women takers on my question............where does the husband rank ............does he come first...........or is he put last? I think in a lot of cases where there are children, house chores, etc, the husband is certainly not put first and more often he is probably last.

[hopeful1980]

To Malenfant: I guess I was responding to your statement about how women *have to* run ragged because the men won't do those things. At least, that's how I took it. Yes, we are very much in agreement that she should stop!

 

Having very small children makes it extra-difficult for mom to take care of herself, because it usually feels selfish to do so. "They NEED me, they're HELPLESS, etc." I so get that, I struggled with it greatly when I was home with a 2yo, 1yo, and a newborn, with one in first grade. HARD, very unsexy times. Especially with a selfish man. Hopeful's suggestion to do what you enjoy is important. Do something you enjoy, and sit back to allow your husband to take over some of the day-to-day, and you'll find sexy again.

 

Men do not realize how difficult it is for us. They expect us to be the same woman we were before the kids. The carefree girl who only had them to dote on. They have no empathy for us, nor the patience we need to find ourselves again.

 

It's so easy to lose yourself in being a mother that you forget how to really be yourself. It is hard to say no and be selfish, but in doing so you are really giving a gift to yourself and your family because you'll be happier.

[hopeful1980]

If you re-read the OP post, it does not say he is sitting around the house doing nothing. If I had to infer, he works and she is a stay at home mom. He is supposedly selfish because he is not being understanding enough that she is tired and he has the nerve to complain of lack of intimacy. And I guessed you were possibly a feminist because you were quick to infer he is a lazy husband when I do not read that from the post.

 

You say the point is they should take care of these things together. The point I get out of this story is the husband is basically pleading for more sex and intimacy. He has gone thru two post pardoms also and has a wife who is too tired to meet his need. And also, how many posts do we see where the husband does share in the work load and still gets little improvement in the sex dept.

 

And I did not get many women takers on my question............where does the husband rank ............does he come first...........or is he put last? I think in a lot of cases where there are children, house chores, etc, the husband is certainly not put first and more often he is probably last.

 

The OP probably puts her husband before herself. She probably thinks of his needs before her own. Even in her original post she says all of the things she does around the house. She's not doing this stuff for her health. The woman is tired. Most women simply do not grasp the magnitude of sex to their husbands. That being said, most men do not understand nor appreciate how overwhelmed their wives feel and that their complaining about not getting enough sex is a complete and utter turn off.

 

In my life, I come first. Then my husband and then the kids. If I don't make myself happy first everyone else will be miserable. Most women put themselves last and that is why they have no energy left for sex with their husbands.

[Malenfant]

If you re-read the OP post, it does not say he is sitting around the house doing nothing. If I had to infer, he works and she is a stay at home mom. He is supposedly selfish because he is not being understanding enough that she is tired and he has the nerve to complain of lack of intimacy. And I guessed you were possibly a feminist because you were quick to infer he is a lazy husband when I do not read that from the post.

 

I was really only saying how i interpreted OP's post. obviously, there could be more to it than that. i guess thats why forums work because different people view situations difefrently.

 

You say the point is they should take care of these things together. The point I get out of this story is the husband is basically pleading for more sex and intimacy. He has gone thru two post pardoms also and has a wife who is too tired to meet his need. And also, how many posts do we see where the husband does share in the work load and still gets little improvement in the sex dept.

 

TBH i dont think there is anything wrong at all with asking for more sex, or feeling upset that you're not getting enough. My problem would be more how her husband communicates this.

"he goes in a huff for days on end. I try to explain to him that ive been looking after the kids so sometimes iam tired or because of the depression i suffered you have your good days and bad days but he never takes this into consideration. All he seems to do is listen to himself and because of this he has called me fridgid "

 

I just dont think thats the best way to communicate your needs to your partner. he might get better results if he just had a proper conversation with her about it.

I have had similar problems in the past with my H, and we've talked honestly and openly about things and it really helped us to understand each other. its not so easy to listen to someone who isnt listening back, which they may both be guilty of.

 

And I did not get many women takers on my question............where does the husband rank ............does he come first...........or is he put last? I think in a lot of cases where there are children, house chores, etc, the husband is certainly not put first and more often he is probably last.

 

All the people I know who have had children say that the children come first. that goes for men or women. I havent had children yet, but, i think that ideally, both parents will make sure that their kids are OK before themselves.

I'm not really comfortable with the idea of having to put people or things in order of importance.

It kind of invalidates what or whoever is of 'lower' importance.

maybe it would be more suitable to say who is in need of care and attention more? when kids are little, they need more time and care, but as they get older, and become more independent, their requirements for your attention diminish somewhat.

Lots of parents I know have said when the kids got a bit older, they had more time for each other and made up for before.

 

When children are small, surely both parents are totally focused on giving them all the care they need?

 

I dont have kids right now, so my H comes totally first in my life, before me, and he returns that, i am the most important thing to him.

 

I have spoken to some men (i hope a massive minority) who have not accepted any change in their wives behaviour after having children, they literally expect to have as much attention as they did before, which is just not possible. and they even resented their kids for it, which i just think is so sad.

[Malenfant]

Men do not realize how difficult it is for us. They expect us to be the same woman we were before the kids. The carefree girl who only had them to dote on. They have no empathy for us, nor the patience we need to find ourselves again.

 

It's so easy to lose yourself in being a mother that you forget how to really be yourself. It is hard to say no and be selfish, but in doing so you are really giving a gift to yourself and your family because you'll be happier.

 

I totally agree, i know i've said above that kids come first, but I suppose I mean wirh regard to urgency, as opposed to emotional well-being.

 

its quite difficult to convey how husbands, children and yourself are important on a scale, because i think all three have different needs.

 

you articulated it much better than i could have.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

When children are small, surely both parents are totally focused on giving them all the care they need?

 

Sadly, no! It seems most prevalent in situations where one is a SAHP. I know in my own situation, I ended up screaming at my husband in the middle of the night after getting no more than two hours of sleep at a time, for ten months, when he nudged me to go tend the crying baby. He did this because he needed his sleep, he had to go to work in the morning. I screamed, "If I don't get sleep soon, I'm going to DIE." lol. Funny now, not so funny then.

 

To answer the posed Q: my priorities are my relationship first, my children second, and everything else in order of urgency after that. Putting your relationship first (or after God, for the devout) covers all of the self-care and spouse-care needed. I will protect my relationship first (unless my kids are in danger, then H be damned, lol), so that means I won't put my needs or my husband's needs above the need to protect the bond. It keeps me from doing selfish things, and prevents me from caving into his selfishness as well. If it's not good for both of us, it's not good for either of us.

[Malenfant]

Sadly, no! It seems most prevalent in situations where one is a SAHP. I know in my own situation, I ended up screaming at my husband in the middle of the night after getting no more than two hours of sleep at a time, for ten months, when he nudged me to go tend the crying baby. He did this because he needed his sleep, he had to go to work in the morning. I screamed, "If I don't get sleep soon, I'm going to DIE." lol. Funny now, not so funny then.

 

To answer the posed Q: my priorities are my relationship first, my children second, and everything else in order of urgency after that. Putting your relationship first (or after God, for the devout) covers all of the self-care and spouse-care needed. I will protect my relationship first (unless my kids are in danger, then H be damned, lol), so that means I won't put my needs or my husband's needs above the need to protect the bond. It keeps me from doing selfish things, and prevents me from caving into his selfishness as well. If it's not good for both of us, it's not good for either of us.

 

i should have put 'surely it would be best ' instead of just 'surely'. sorry, my fault for not articulating myself properly.

 

I agree with you totally, you've expressed it very well.

[fallen-friend]

Posters OH here guys. Thanks for your thoughts on this thread. I was truly expecting to be hung drawn & quartered due to the posters unique perspective on things.

 

To get to to the point i'd just like to say I feel it takes more than buying your other half some 'gifts' to show them you love them and also that you surely can't expect someone to interpret displaying that sort of behaviour as displaying love.

 

This is about a lack of love & affection & feeling that making love to your wife is the way you ultimately show her you care. Am I wrong for feeling love & happiness when having sex with my wife??? I'm only a man & never will be ashamed to be so no matter how selfish & guilty I am made to feel by others afraid to address their own issues. I am a very loving individual and do not hesitate to show or tell how I feel or that I care deeply. Others on the other hand...