Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 its funny how we rationalize it that we love both of them so much we cannot let either go. truth is, if we loved either fully and unselfishly we woule be able to let them go, because the reality is you cannot have both. i knew this from the beginning, mm did not see it this way. i was unwilling to give up my marriage, but still chose to continue with mm. i wish i would have forced myself to make a choice before so much damage was done.
whichwayisup Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 i wish i would have forced myself to make a choice before so much damage was done. Don't look backwards, look forward. You have a choice now.. To make yourself get over him, push him out of your heart, your mind, your blood and focus on healing. You can do this! You just have to want to let it all go..
Devil Inside Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 (edited) its funny how we rationalize it that we love both of them so much we cannot let either go. truth is, if we loved either fully and unselfishly we woule be able to let them go, because the reality is you cannot have both. i knew this from the beginning, mm did not see it this way. i was unwilling to give up my marriage, but still chose to continue with mm. i wish i would have forced myself to make a choice before so much damage was done. Well..there are no time machines...trust me I've looked for one on Ebay...let me know if you find one. However...what you do have now is the ability to make choices today and tomorrow. Choices that you can live with. Choices you will not regret. So my point is...don't let regret for past decisions paralyze your future decisions. Edited November 30, 2009 by Devil Inside
wheelwright Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Hi MGEG Sorry you are still dealing with facing xMM. But that's what he is - X. I think write the letter. Let rip. Tell him how no man throws you under a bus and expects to walk back in and say he loves you. Give him your anger and your new horizons. Tell him to get his emotional kicks elsewhere and you don't want to hear another lying, cowardly word from his lips, much less kiss them. I understand why people say always go through the BS, but in this case, there is closure between you and xMM that you haven't said loudly enough. Tell him to take his s*** to hell and deal with it there, because you are not waiting, pining or in any way there in his life. He thinks he threw you over, and he can pick you up. He needs to hear loud and clear that you have your life back. And you will feel so good after. And yes, it's admitting you had emotions for him, but then he knows that already. Just tell him he's a skunk and you can't stand the sight of him and that you know what real love is now i.e. someone who doesn't throw you under a bus. And after you let rip in the letter, say at the end that from this point on he doesn't even exist for you. And if he forces his company on you, he is a buzzing fly you wonder how to swat. And he won't come back from that, I promise. Give him the closure he gave you. He'll stop bothering you then. And I feel a lot of sympathy for you but I feel angry at your xMM. (My own issues I guess!) Hugs. Sympathy. Strength.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 its funny how we rationalize it that we love both of them so much we cannot let either go. truth is, if we loved either fully and unselfishly we woule be able to let them go, because the reality is you cannot have both. i knew this from the beginning, mm did not see it this way. i was unwilling to give up my marriage, but still chose to continue with mm. i wish i would have forced myself to make a choice before so much damage was done. This is truth! Real love is not self serving. What you need to ask yourself.... are you capable of giving that? And you will feel so good after. And yes, it's admitting you had emotions for him, but then he knows that already. Just tell him he's a skunk and you can't stand the sight of him and that you know what real love is now i.e. someone who doesn't throw you under a bus. And after you let rip in the letter, say at the end that from this point on he doesn't even exist for you. And if he forces his company on you, he is a buzzing fly you wonder how to swat. And he won't come back from that, I promise. No, don't send a letter. The only emotion this guy had involved in the relationship was ego. Sending a letter will just PROVE to him how much she cared. It's a dumb idea. She needs to have her husband contact his wife. That's the only way to proceed with this. Let her husband handle it. If he wants this marriage he will fix this situation for her.
torranceshipman Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Sounds to me like you're still really hung up on the OM, and because you really like him, that's why he gets under your skin so much. As you are still really hung up on the guy, I think the best thing you can do is to leave work and go find a job somewhere else. You're fooling yourself if you think you can demonize the OM as the cause of all your anguish, because lets face it, if you weren't still interested in him, you wouldn't really care whether he tried to talk to you or not. Be truthful with yourself first, then take action, don't blame the OM for your feelings as you need to take ownership of them yourself. This might mean you need to reevaluate whether reconnecting with your H right now is the best thing (given that you can't forget about another man who you previously had an A with) - or maybe more counselling, or something else...
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Sounds to me like you're still really hung up on the OM, and because you really like him, that's why he gets under your skin so much. As you are still really hung up on the guy, I think the best thing you can do is to leave work and go find a job somewhere else. You're fooling yourself if you think you can demonize the OM as the cause of all your anguish, because lets face it, if you weren't still interested in him, you wouldn't really care whether he tried to talk to you or not. Your wasting your breath... or keystrokes... She has already committed to staying at her job. She won't even consider looking for a new job. Also, it's not something her H is asking of her... which says he is most likely either apathetic, or a pansy. Neither are good.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 actually i am actively looking for a job. but the field i work in (which both of my degrees are in) is a hard one to find a new job. im trying to get transferred to working for a different representative - he is who i work for now, obviously thats the part of this that isnt working for the NC.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 (edited) well i did write a letter. husband "proof-read" it first and changed a few things. (btw, things are very very rocky with H right now, not going that great) anyways. i reinforced to him the things hes said to me. he wants his marriage, he needs me not in his life, he needs to figure this out on his own and the same goes for me. then i told him that the contact that he was trying to initiate here was inhibiting all of these things. the result. not so great. hes back stronger than ever. in a way i am glad i got it off of my chest. i needed for myself and for my husband to at least verbalize those feelings. today i walked away when he came and plopped his sorry behind on my desk. it hurts and its hard to do this, but i am determined that this letter will be my last words. the truth here is that yes i have feelings for him, and yes im struggling with every bit of it. it would be so much easier to jump right back into all of this. but what i do know is that im losing my M because of this and if it doesnt stop and i mean immediately my marriage will be over. we are closer to D then we were after dday. and after the letter the tears have stopped again. writing this letter made the tears stop and at least if it gives me some power to walk away from him than it helped some. for some selfish and crazy reason its easier to remain NC when i feel like im the one choosing this rather than him choosing it. yes, i realize that still means he has a hold on me. but regardless the reason, whatever it takes to keep the NC is ok by me. i walked away today without listening and thats the first time ive been able to do that. oh and i also made sure to include some things in the letter about him talking to me over and over. so if he shows it to her in an attempt to be "honest" he'll only be showing her that hes the one doing the contact. Edited December 2, 2009 by mybrowneyedgirl
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Also, it's not something her H is asking of her... which says he is most likely either apathetic, or a pansy. Neither are good. he is neither. my husband (although his current anger and actions arent showing it) is a genuinely nice person. actually, the nicest person ive ever met in my life. hes not spiteful. nice to a fault, yes. apathetic or pansy - not at all.
whichwayisup Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 oh and i also made sure to include some things in the letter about him talking to me over and over. so if he shows it to her in an attempt to be "honest" he'll only be showing her that hes the one doing the contact. You and your H should have sent a copy of the letter to his wife as well. You honestly think he's going to show his wife the letter? I know it's rough out there, job wise, but find something/ANYTHING. Doesn't have to be in your field at the moment. The sooner you quit the job the better off you and your H will be. Or, do what I suggested afew threads ago - GO ON STRESS leave. Get a DR's note and take time off of work. Last place you need to be is around xMM all the time at work. It isn't helping your marriage and as you said, your H is losing patience..
jwi71 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 well i did write a letter. husband "proof-read" it first and changed a few things. (btw, things are very very rocky with H right now, not going that great) anyways. i reinforced to him the things hes said to me. he wants his marriage, he needs me not in his life, he needs to figure this out on his own and the same goes for me. then i told him that the contact that he was trying to initiate here was inhibiting all of these things. the result. not so great. hes back stronger than ever. in a way i am glad i got it off of my chest. i needed for myself and for my husband to at least verbalize those feelings. today i walked away when he came and plopped his sorry behind on my desk. it hurts and its hard to do this, but i am determined that this letter will be my last words. the truth here is that yes i have feelings for him, and yes im struggling with every bit of it. it would be so much easier to jump right back into all of this. but what i do know is that im losing my M because of this and if it doesnt stop and i mean immediately my marriage will be over. we are closer to D then we were after dday. and after the letter the tears have stopped again. writing this letter made the tears stop and at least if it gives me some power to walk away from him than it helped some. for some selfish and crazy reason its easier to remain NC when i feel like im the one choosing this rather than him choosing it. yes, i realize that still means he has a hold on me. but regardless the reason, whatever it takes to keep the NC is ok by me. i walked away today without listening and thats the first time ive been able to do that. oh and i also made sure to include some things in the letter about him talking to me over and over. so if he shows it to her in an attempt to be "honest" he'll only be showing her that hes the one doing the contact. A few comments. 1) Speak to a divorce lawyer. Learn the law and the jeopardies you face. This is to protect YOU. Don't file...but DO consult. You NEED this. 2) The letter you sent needed to say nothing about him or his M. That sends a subtle message that you are STILL involved with him at some level. All the letter needed to say was "Go away because I value my H and my M. Any further contact will be considered harassment and dealt with in court or via appropriate legal remedies." 3) Every electron of energy you SPEND on your xMM is detected by your H. I have been telling you this from day one. Your H is not some dumb clod of dirt you are fooling...he is focused on you with laser like intensity. Your ACTIONS are driving this...he is not acting in a vacuum - he is REACTING to you. He NOTICES. Give him something positive to react to. 4) Your H's silence on this (and I mean his forgiving attitude you SEE) is very disturbing for me. I have a gut instinct he is a hurricane of bad emotions inside. He is slowly losing the veneer he placed...and you are seeing the true depth of his hurt, pain and anger. You MUST take drastic action to reverse course. QUIT. Yeah, its a risk. You may quit and still get D...but to NOT take that says you value your job more than him. And by extension, he hears "I value contact with MM more than YOUR wants and needs". I guess I really feel for you. You sound like my xW often. I hope it ends the way you intend...either reconciliation or D. Maybe you should seek a trial separation? Take a breather from the pressure cooker you now live in. And it is, you won;t recognize that UNTIL you have lived out of it for a while... JW
fooled once Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I have to say, from what you posted the letter said, it sounds like it was more "boo hoo - you left me because YOU wanted to work on your marriage and YOU said you wanted NC and I didn't want to go NC" I am not being snotty, but it sounds like it was a lengthy letter, which showed him you put a lot of thought into it, that you worked on it and that you DO still have interest. I think I would say to him - if he shows up in my office again - that if he doesn't ONLY deal with you on WORK related things, you will be filing a harassment charge against him and the company and MEAN IT and DO IT.
Untouchable_Fire Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 actually i am actively looking for a job. but the field i work in (which both of my degrees are in) is a hard one to find a new job. im trying to get transferred to working for a different representative - he is who i work for now, obviously thats the part of this that isnt working for the NC. Nobody can complain if your putting serious effort into moving somewhere else. I'm glad that letter is making things better for you emotionally. he is neither. my husband (although his current anger and actions arent showing it) is a genuinely nice person. actually, the nicest person ive ever met in my life. hes not spiteful. nice to a fault, yes. apathetic or pansy - not at all. Sorry about that. It's not something I should have said. I know it's not true... maybe on some level I was thinking it might be good for you to defend him? ... I apologize. I will be more constructive in the future.
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