letter to xmm?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

So after yet another contact attempt from him at work im just in shambles. for those who dont remember, after dday he sent me a pseudo-NC letter and said we couldnt communicate anymore. since then hes tried to talk to me over and over at work. he always manages to get out what it is that he has to say. i respond that we cant talk, and i tell my H. H is starting to get frustrated with this.

 

but what its doing to me is leaving me a mess. even though i dont respond it still makes me think about what hes said. it still makes me think about the fact that hes contacting me. i still feel like hes "there" in my life because i cant forget about him. it would be hard enough for me to move on if he wasnt doing all this talking, but with him talking i feel like its stopping me from making progress.

 

so what about if i wrote him a letter? theres some things ive always wanted to say, but most important i just want to say goodbye and tell him that this really needs to stop. i'll let my husband read it first and then that will be the end of it.

 

any thoughts? is this making me just as guilty as he is, or do you think once he sees it in writing he'll respect it?

[hopesndreams]

I thought you were NC? Would this be the first goodbye letter or the second?

[ali0112]

Just some food for thought, MBEG...How would you feel, and what would you do, if your "xMM" contacted you and said that he was leaving his wife and had decided that he wanted to be with you after all?? Would you jump at that chance, or would you act upon what you have said you have realized about him in the past few weeks, and tell him to go to hell?? No judgment here whatsover; just curious. And this is coming from a former OW, not a BS. I just get the feeling, as a fellow "former" OW, that you are really still hung up on him, and if he crooked his finger and said that he wanted you, then you would be there. Am I wrong for thinking that?

[hopeless4u]

So after yet another contact attempt from him at work im just in shambles. for those who dont remember, after dday he sent me a pseudo-NC letter and said we couldnt communicate anymore. since then hes tried to talk to me over and over at work. he always manages to get out what it is that he has to say. i respond that we cant talk, and i tell my H. H is starting to get frustrated with this.

 

but what its doing to me is leaving me a mess. even though i dont respond it still makes me think about what hes said. it still makes me think about the fact that hes contacting me. i still feel like hes "there" in my life because i cant forget about him. it would be hard enough for me to move on if he wasnt doing all this talking, but with him talking i feel like its stopping me from making progress.

 

so what about if i wrote him a letter? theres some things ive always wanted to say, but most important i just want to say goodbye and tell him that this really needs to stop. i'll let my husband read it first and then that will be the end of it.

 

any thoughts? is this making me just as guilty as he is, or do you think once he sees it in writing he'll respect it?

 

As an xOW i think you should do it. As long as you are honest, (your H knows all I guess?) and you let your H read it and you tell your xAP that your H has read it. If my xMM decided to stay with his W and did this for me I would use this as closure. xx

[fooled once]

So after yet another contact attempt from him at work im just in shambles. for those who dont remember, after dday he sent me a pseudo-NC letter and said we couldnt communicate anymore. since then hes tried to talk to me over and over at work. he always manages to get out what it is that he has to say. i respond that we cant talk, and i tell my H. H is starting to get frustrated with this.

 

but what its doing to me is leaving me a mess. even though i dont respond it still makes me think about what hes said. it still makes me think about the fact that hes contacting me. i still feel like hes "there" in my life because i cant forget about him. it would be hard enough for me to move on if he wasnt doing all this talking, but with him talking i feel like its stopping me from making progress.

 

so what about if i wrote him a letter? theres some things ive always wanted to say, but most important i just want to say goodbye and tell him that this really needs to stop. i'll let my husband read it first and then that will be the end of it.

 

any thoughts? is this making me just as guilty as he is, or do you think once he sees it in writing he'll respect it?

 

I would say yes if ONLY the letter reads:

 

XMM,

 

Leave me alone. Do not contact me anymore. Quit stopping by my office. Leave me alone. If you do not stop, i will contact HR regarding your unprofessional discussions at work. If you don't stop, I will contact the police in regards to a restraining order.

 

Sincerely,

 

MGEG

 

cc: xMM's wife.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

hopesndreams - ive never sent him a letter. he was the one who, with his wife sent a few emails and also a phone call. i called him back once and he said we needed not to talk. i obliged, but hes talked to me every time ive seen him at work since.

 

ali - i think its a good question. i wont lie. im hung up on him. but i just dont see him or our affiar in the way that i used to. i also see my husband in a very different light. i want my husband and my marriage, regardless of what xmm does.

 

i do however, have to admit that im a little scared at what would happen if he came saying he wanted me. i am 100% certain that i would not want to be with him. i could never trust him again. but im fearful that it just might send me over the edge. i find it so hard to be focused on my marriage and husband because the contact attempts really break my heart. afterall, he was the one who wanted this, not me.

 

and in the last few weeks hes tried to call. left a message that he was trying to make a decision, needed me to understand, he was sorry. i didnt call him back. it just seems to be getting more frequent and more intense. it doesnt much seem like nc to me.

 

and even though im not responding it keeps the hurt going. my heart is still aching. its not getting any better.

[fooled once]

hopesndreams - ive never sent him a letter. he was the one who, with his wife sent a few emails and also a phone call. i called him back once and he said we needed not to talk. i obliged, but hes talked to me every time ive seen him at work since.

 

ali - i think its a good question. i wont lie. im hung up on him. but i just dont see him or our affiar in the way that i used to. i also see my husband in a very different light. i want my husband and my marriage, regardless of what xmm does.

 

i do however, have to admit that im a little scared at what would happen if he came saying he wanted me. i am 100% certain that i would not want to be with him. i could never trust him again. but im fearful that it just might send me over the edge. i find it so hard to be focused on my marriage and husband because the contact attempts really break my heart. afterall, he was the one who wanted this, not me.

 

and in the last few weeks hes tried to call. left a message that he was trying to make a decision, needed me to understand, he was sorry. i didnt call him back. it just seems to be getting more frequent and more intense. it doesnt much seem like nc to me.

 

and even though im not responding it keeps the hurt going. my heart is still aching. its not getting any better.

 

I am confused MBEG, if you say you are 100% certain you don't want him, why is your heart still aching? Why are you scared of him wanting you going to send you over the edge? To me - that means you are still in love with him.

 

I really think you need to get a new job. You have GOT to find your voice and tell him to LEAVE YOU ALONE. He isn't getting the message since he keeps seeking you out. You ARE going to lose your H if you don't send a clear, loud message. Your H is going to think you are enjoying the attention from him.

[fooled once]

Also, you say in this post and in others, how "HE is the one who broke off the relationship, not you" which leads me to believe you wish the Affair was still going on.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

im not sure how it would have gone if he'd not ended it. we had this big d-day and at first we were together trying to calm the waters and get through it. i never asked for no contact, it all happened so quickly i didnt have the time to work through any of the feelings or figure out what i wanted to do.

 

i had to make a choice instantly. either i fought for my husband or i'd lose him.

 

yes, i am having a really hard time moving on and still pining for him. i dont want to feel this way, i dont know how to make the feelings stop. and thats why im asking about the letter...i just think the more he attempts to contact me the more its keeping things going.

 

i didnt want to be NC. in the years we were in the affair he had become my crutch, so as sort of a natural thing i was using him as that same crutch in trying to figure out how to get back to my husband (in hindsight i realize this never could have worked). but the NC was a forced thing by him...i wasnt ready yet. but once it happened, to me theres no going back. we went NC. it should stay that way.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

a guess a more clear way to say all of this is: how in the world can i get him out of my head when he wont go away?

[whichwayisup]

QUIT YOUR JOB. Just do it and find something else. Or, take a leave of absence, stress leave from work and during that time off, heal yourself, look for another job.

 

MBEG, I'm begging you, do not send him a letter.

 

a guess a more clear way to say all of this is: how in the world can i get him out of my head when he wont go away?

 

Your other choice is, let your husband contact his wife and tell her your exMM won't leave you alone.

 

If you want NC to stick, again, do not send the letter.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So after yet another contact attempt from him at work im just in shambles. for those who dont remember, after dday he sent me a pseudo-NC letter and said we couldnt communicate anymore. since then hes tried to talk to me over and over at work. he always manages to get out what it is that he has to say. i respond that we cant talk, and i tell my H. H is starting to get frustrated with this.

 

but what its doing to me is leaving me a mess. even though i dont respond it still makes me think about what hes said. it still makes me think about the fact that hes contacting me. i still feel like hes "there" in my life because i cant forget about him. it would be hard enough for me to move on if he wasnt doing all this talking, but with him talking i feel like its stopping me from making progress.

 

so what about if i wrote him a letter? theres some things ive always wanted to say, but most important i just want to say goodbye and tell him that this really needs to stop. i'll let my husband read it first and then that will be the end of it.

 

any thoughts? is this making me just as guilty as he is, or do you think once he sees it in writing he'll respect it?

 

You and your husband need to sit down and write a joint NC letter and give it to this piece of crap together!

 

If you dont this man will continue to harass you and impede your recovery! You need complete NC from this jerk asap! and if you dont, your husband will start to blame you for not having his back and the more your procrasinate he will resent you for it!

 

Please if there's one thing that will stop this man from coming around is you and your husband present a united front!

[condogal]

...my ex left me, but i made a tantrum because i found it unappropriate to leave me over the phone cuz we lived together and been together for 6 years...well i drank and went to his workplace but it's quiet and no one is ever around and he provoked me on the phone before i decided to go there...he said comments that were mean and killed me...we always had love for one another...i could'nt take the critisism...well he called the police and i was put in jail all night...how could this have happened!!...my question is, could a man do this but loves you still...like he did it to teach you something...??

[bentnotbroken]

...my ex left me, but i made a tantrum because i found it unappropriate to leave me over the phone cuz we lived together and been together for 6 years...well i drank and went to his workplace but it's quiet and no one is ever around and he provoked me on the phone before i decided to go there...he said comments that were mean and killed me...we always had love for one another...i could'nt take the critisism...well he called the police and i was put in jail all night...how could this have happened!!...my question is, could a man do this but loves you still...like he did it to teach you something...??

 

 

It probably would be more helpful for you to start your own thread and tell your whole story. You probably would get more feedback for your situation.

[Devil Inside]

a guess a more clear way to say all of this is: how in the world can i get him out of my head when he wont go away?

 

MBEG...hey I can feel your pain here. The only way that you will get to a point where you can even start to heal is to go NC. Full NC. I know you don't want to have to leave your job, or take your kids to a different school. However, if you want to save your marriage you just may have to do that.

 

It makes sense that you still have feelings. It makes sense that he is still in your head. He is the one who ended it. The he continues to make contact. He is keeping him alive in your heart. You need to end all contact, or you will lose your M.

 

I know it is not as easy as it sounds. I was lucky that my xAP lived in another state.

 

If you do write a letter I think it should be what fooled said. Straight to the point. A real deal NC letter. Make sure he gets that your H was in on this.

 

Good luck. I feel for you .

[jwi71]

BEG-

 

I strongly disagree with the NC letter...its been said so many times by you and by him its a joke at this point. You two are just keeping the A alive, using "NC" to stoke the embers. NC is little more than an excuse TO BE IN CONTACT.

 

I'm not sure what else to say...you're walking the same path my now xW did...I'd find a good D lawyer soon, I think you will need one.

[her_halo_slipped]

So after yet another contact attempt from him at work im just in shambles. for those who dont remember, after dday he sent me a pseudo-NC letter and said we couldnt communicate anymore. since then hes tried to talk to me over and over at work. he always manages to get out what it is that he has to say. i respond that we cant talk, and i tell my H. H is starting to get frustrated with this.

 

but what its doing to me is leaving me a mess. even though i dont respond it still makes me think about what hes said. it still makes me think about the fact that hes contacting me. i still feel like hes "there" in my life because i cant forget about him. it would be hard enough for me to move on if he wasnt doing all this talking, but with him talking i feel like its stopping me from making progress.

 

so what about if i wrote him a letter? theres some things ive always wanted to say, but most important i just want to say goodbye and tell him that this really needs to stop. i'll let my husband read it first and then that will be the end of it.

 

any thoughts? is this making me just as guilty as he is, or do you think once he sees it in writing he'll respect it?

 

Is it possible for you to find a new job? When he no longer sees you he may be better enabled to act on his self imposed NC with a little more success? I know that may not be possible for many reasons but it's just a suggestion.

Maybe it is time for both you and your husband to confront him (sounds like your A is in the open) and tell him very very clearly that he needs to stop contacting you and that if he doesn't it is harrassment and he may be subject to the wrath of the law? Worth a try? Don't send him a letter. He is likely to read into it a whole range of reasons you sent it NONE of which may be the REAL reason. He already thinks he is entitled to talk to you whenever it suits him. Don't give him another reason. Best of luck.

[Fallen Angel]

I am for having your husband contact his wife and let her know that he is still making contact with you at work. Perhaps then she will force HIM to be the one to have to seek other employment.

 

Your husband being the one making contact makes things less confrontational. It proves to the xMM's wife that you and your husband are a team united in enforcing the NC that SHE asked for. It proves that you are making the right choices and are being open and honest with your husband, and shows her that it is her husband who is the one trying to continue in the affair. It puts all the blame for continued contact right where it belongs, at the feet of your xMM.

 

It also serves the purpose of you showing your husband that you need and want his help. Men love to be problem solvers for the women they love. It gives him the "knight in shining armor" role that most men want very much to fulfill for their wives, by you asking him to 'save' you from the dreaded dragon that keeps chasing you. It returns to him a voice in the choices about his marriage to you. Allows him the oppourtunity to 'fight' for you.

 

You and/or your husband making contact with the xMM will only stir things up. It will seem a false attempt on your behalf to 'prove' to xMM that you want no contact. Going directly to his wife however sends a clear message that you are done playing his game, and you are willing to 'out' him everytime he attempts contact. It forces him to have to face what he is doing, remember, hell hath no fury as that of a woman scorned, and he is scorning his wife yet again. He will have to try to explain, and your united front and going straight to her will not allow him to try to point fingers in your direction.

 

You can do this girl! You have shown so much strength. I know you have moments of weakness, but that is what they are, only moments. Fleeting at best. Remember what you are fighting for. The love of a man who loves you enough to actually fight to keep you. He is the only one worth your tears. Love your husband, hold his hand, and you will get through this with his help. Trust in him.

 

Chin up. Eyes dry. Kiss your husband. And many hugs sent to you from me.

Edited November 29, 2009 by Fallen Angel

[jennie-jennie]

i do however, have to admit that im a little scared at what would happen if he came saying he wanted me. i am 100% certain that i would not want to be with him. i could never trust him again. but im fearful that it just might send me over the edge. i find it so hard to be focused on my marriage and husband because the contact attempts really break my heart. afterall, he was the one who wanted this, not me.

 

i had to make a choice instantly. either i fought for my husband or i'd lose him.

 

Do you not realize that this is exactly what your MM did on Dday as well: made a choice instantly, either he fought for his wife or he'd lose her? This is what happens at Dday, this is the cause of the OP being thrown under the bus. It says nothing about whether the MM is worthy to be trusted or not. At Dday the BS is like a drowning person trying to survive.

Edited November 29, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[Brokenlady]

Your Om still wants it both ways. If you break NC, even with a letter saying leave me alone, you're encouraging it by letting him know he got to you. That is the point - he wants to get to you. He needs negative consequences for his behavior - I would suggest your H write an email or telephone his W to let her know what's going on, and I'll bet you his nonsense stops real quick.

[hopeless4u]

I am for having your husband contact his wife and let her know that he is still making contact with you at work. Perhaps then she will force HIM to be the one to have to seek other employment.

 

Your husband being the one making contact makes things less confrontational. It proves to the xMM's wife that you and your husband are a team united in enforcing the NC that SHE asked for. It proves that you are making the right choices and are being open and honest with your husband, and shows her that it is her husband who is the one trying to continue in the affair. It puts all the blame for continued contact right where it belongs, at the feet of your xMM.

 

It also serves the purpose of you showing your husband that you need and want his help. Men love to be problem solvers for the women they love. It gives him the "knight in shining armor" role that most men want very much to fulfill for their wives, by you asking him to 'save' you from the dreaded dragon that keeps chasing you. It returns to him a voice in the choices about his marriage to you. Allows him the oppourtunity to 'fight' for you.

 

You and/or your husband making contact with the xMM will only stir things up. It will seem a false attempt on your behalf to 'prove' to xMM that you want no contact. Going directly to his wife however sends a clear message that you are done playing his game, and you are willing to 'out' him everytime he attempts contact. It forces him to have to face what he is doing, remember, hell hath no fury as that of a woman scorned, and he is scorning his wife yet again. He will have to try to explain, and your united front and going straight to her will not allow him to try to point fingers in your direction.

 

You can do this girl! You have shown so much strength. I know you have moments of weakness, but that is what they are, only moments. Fleeting at best. Remember what you are fighting for. The love of a man who loves you enough to actually fight to keep you. He is the only one worth your tears. Love your husband, hold his hand, and you will get through this with his help. Trust in him.

 

Chin up. Eyes dry. Kiss your husband. And many hugs sent to you from me.

 

 

I agree with FA, this sounds like very good advice. If your H doesn't want to actually speak to the W, maybe a letter from your H addressed to the W.

[someonesangel]

I seldom ever post here, my views are not considered the norm and often are twisted when taken out of context.

 

I do occasionally still read and I have read a great deal of your story, so you can take my opinion/thoughts with a big handful of salt.

 

I understand why those in the corner of the marriage are telling you, you have to do this and I understand why many of the OW are questioning you, as it is clear you are not over MM.

 

I have been working on going NC for us, not for his W or their M, for us. It has taken us months and we are finally at the door but I do agree that the actual effort to go NC, keeps you in contact. In our case, we specifically work on seeing each other, getting past some anger, talking and are both more comfortable with parting knowing we are both working on ourselves, he is going to work on his M and see. There are no for sure's either and as Jennie said, and he clearly said in the moment - he had to make a choice. He didn't throw me under the bus, in fact, he has been protective of us and respectful of the relationship that we had.

 

I struggled with the NC because in my past, I have always maintained no repeats, so in my head going NC, meant shutting the door hard and moving on.

 

My IC asked me a question. Would you not consider a relationship with the man you love a year down the road if the opportunity arised? And if not is it more out of " pride". It was a good question, and let me realize we can do this for us, if we end up together down the road, we will know we are free to explore a new relationship, without hiding or secrecy.

 

Sorry, derailing here. Meg.... as the OW, think for a moment. Do you truly believe it is fair to your husband what you are doing? I know you say you want your marriage, but you are not IN LOVE with him, you love him, I am sure have guilt and I am sure feel responsible to make this right. But for a moment, turn the table around and consider if he was in the A, do you want a man who isn't sure saying he can commit to a lifelong commitment?

 

There seems to be one common trait among WS. The fear of being ALONE. That is a huge factor, and I see it a lot - Afraid to remove themselves from both situations, do some hard, sincere work and make an honest decision.

 

You cannot make that decision remaining in the triangle, and you cannot make a honest commitment to your husband if a large part of the reason is because your MM won't leave his marriage. That is NOT the reason to stay where you are.

 

Again, many will probably disagree.... but you are in utter turmoil and just like BS admit that they answered a question ( recommitting after the affair) long before they were prepared ( a big reason why divorce occurs 18-24 months after an affair).

 

You are not sure what you want, so why are you giving your husband what could be false hope and risking hurting him yet again.

 

Personally, I would step away from both, anyway you can, go into IC and I think imo, you would find out that while you love your husband, it is fear of being alone that is really keeping you there.

[PhoenixRise]

I am in favor of telling the wife so that she will know what her H is doing....

 

But in terms of whether or not you should write a letter rehashing old affair business and then asking for NC....

 

MBEG I think you should stop acting like a victim.

 

Have you ever actually said to this MM "MM I want you to leave me alone. I am working on my marriage and I want NC with you"

 

If you have ever actually said this to him either I missed it in your threads or you didn't post about it.

 

This MM is not victimizing you with his contact....you hear him out hoping he will say something you WANT to hear AND based on what you have posted YOU have never told him that his attention/ presence/ conversation is not welcome. Instead you let yourself be confused by why his stated desire for NC has not resulted in NC.

 

Bottom line If YOU truly wanted NC you could have gotten it a long time ago.

 

AND for the sake of your M, if you send a letter let it be a NC letter only, no rehashing old affair business.

[jennie-jennie]

Interesting thoughts about WS and fear of being alone, someonesangel. I do know that my MM is worried that if he divorced his wife I would leave him one day. He knows where he has his wife, she believes in marriage. He knows where he has me as long as I love him, but he also knows that I only stay with a man as long as I love him.

 

To me commitment and love go hand in hand. If the day ever comes that I fall in love with another man, I am gone. But if my needs are met I am loyal to a fault and don't even as much as look at other men.

[Devil Inside]

There seems to be one common trait among WS. The fear of being ALONE. That is a huge factor, and I see it a lot - Afraid to remove themselves from both situations, do some hard, sincere work and make an honest decision.

 

 

Fear was a big dynamic in taking action when I was in the triangle of my A. There was fear of being alone. Even more powerful was this fear of making the wrong decision, of losing my family or losing the woman I thought was my soulmate.

 

This is where my thinking was very immature. I was looking for the optimal solution, one where it worked out for everyone, I didn't have to ever disclose that I was having an A, I would get to see my kids and be with the xOW, and we would all live happily ever after.

 

The reality is...there were going to be difficult sacrifices and people hurt because of my actions either way. I think I knew that deep down, and remaining in the triangle was my way of prolonging those consequences.