FarFetched Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 So I am in a situation with my wife that all my friends and family tell me I need to RUN from. Married about one year, she started meeting up with a guy back in July, then lied about continuing to talk with him and met up with him a couple times after she swore she cut him out of her life. She admitted to an emotional affair, but swore there was nothing physical. Anyway, more detail in my other threads on all that. So my wife emailed me last week asking if we could get together because she wanted to see me. We arranged to meet halfway between my parents house and where she lived (about 4 hours drive for each of us). All week she has been telling me how much she wanted to see me and was looking forward to it. We met up last night, had a great night enjoying eachother. It really felt like old times again, and she said that it felt like we hadn't been apart at all. But, before we left, I asked her where she was at (was she willing to move out to the midwest with me to work on our marriage). She said that she couldn't, because everybody thought she was a cheater and she was worried what they would think. I told her that shouldn't matter; all that matters is eachother. She said she wants nothing more than to go back to the way things were before. It's as if she dug herself too deep (her choice, of course) with this other guy, and things got too advanced where she will feel bad about what she did if we reconcile. Or, and this is what I think is going on, she wants to be with the other guy. Still, she insists that she wants to be with me more than anything, but she just can't. So, not hearing what I needed to hear, I brought out the forms for her to sign. I don't think she expected this at all. I explained to her that this wasn't what I wanted, and that all she had to do was tell me she wanted to move out to be with me again, but since she couldn't, I had no other choice. She was angry that I was asking her to sign, ruining what had been a perfect day and night we spent together. I have been doing pretty well with this all lately, but after today, I feel pretty terrible. I don't know if it is the reminder of how much we enjoy eachother, or if it's the finality from signing the separation papers. I was breaking down periodically during my drive home. When I got back, we started texting and I admitted how much pain I was in. I know, I shouldn't have done that. She said something that hinted she wished she was dead so she wouldn't have to go through the pain all of this has caused. She was referring to the situation she is in (maybe she feels guilty for betraying her husband and can't get past it). I know that this is the right decision. As much as I enjoy being with her, she has alot of issues and refuses to get past them together. But, wow, does it ever hurt right now. Last night felt so good, even if I knew it couldn't last.
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 So, not hearing what I needed to hear, I brought out the forms for her to sign. I don't think she expected this at all. I think you are doing the right thing. Take it at the speed that you need but keep moving forward toward a new chapter in your life - with or without her. But do not spin you wheels and stay in one place. I am all over the place at times with my issues but I at least keep moving, keep trying things for ME!!! she will feel bad about what she did if we reconcile. WOW- What a bunch of Bull. She'll feel bad to reconcile but she won't feel bad if she continues the A? What a bunch of horsesh*t. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Also, the part about her wanting to die. NICE. Death for her is better than a true attempt at reconciliation. My stbxw gave me the "I wish I could crawl in a hole and die" line. I asked her if that was preferrable over being with me. she had no answer... Wow, no wonder she ran... I'm a monster. I am sorry you are going thru this FF. Be strong, keep your chin up, do what's best for you, and keep posting here, ok? GOOD LUCK!
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Hey FF - Any update since yesterday?
DenverBachelor Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I know that this is the right decision. As much as I enjoy being with her, she has alot of issues and refuses to get past them together. But, wow, does it ever hurt right now. Last night felt so good, even if I knew it couldn't last. I really admire your strength and resolve. You did the right thing and you were so gracious as to give her chance after chance. Unfortunately we can't change someone else's mind or heart but you handled the pain and bore it well. I'm really proud of you, man. I'm sorry it has come to this point for you. Nobody likes to see a long-term relationship die much less a marriage, but she gave you no options. You did the right thing.
trippi1432 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 FarFetched - you did the right thing by going ahead with the papers. She states that she can't continue in the marriage because she's embarrassed by her own irresponsible actions....time to move on. You have my sympathy tho - signed off on my own SA papers the day before Thanksgiving....you have to know what you can and can't live with or how much you are willing to accept.
Author FarFetched Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Hey everybody, thought I'd post an update (and a question). So it turns out the forms were not filled our properly. I was confused as to whether her name change was processed. I let her know about this a few days ago. We have continued texting about where to go from here, and I have been all over the map. * Day 2: Sent her a series of texts asking why she couldn't make up her mind if she wants to stay or go. Told her that if she felt comfortable giving up somebody like me, I would have no issues finding somebody to appreciate all the things I have to offer. She didn't feel she was stringing me along despite not being able to make a decision. * Day3: Sent her an early morning email telling her I couldn't do it anymore, and let her know I was done. I called her, like a dumbass, later that morning to ask when I should have her stuff sent out to her. I told her I wanted to talk that night and hear, one way or another, what SHE wanted. I wanted her to tell me, finally, if she wants to be married to me or not. She sent me a couple sweet texts that afternoon, calling me by an endearing nickname she has always used for me. We talked that evening, but she didn't bring up the decision I asked her to make. *Day 4: I texted her again, asking her to make a decision after keeping me guessing for the last few months. She refused, saying she wasn't ready to decide yet. She also said she was not ready to move out with me yet, and asked me to stop pressuring her. I told her I was not going to file any paperwork, send her stuff, or anything like that. She said she wanted to continue to start communicating with one another more frequently, and slowly start building our relationship back up. She said she has "always wanted to work on the marriage with me". I told her that I would indeed stop pressuring her. She thanked me and again used a very endearing term toward me. I made sure to clarify that during this "rebuilding phase" she wants, neither of us would be talking to or seeing anybody else. This is about US. She said, "Of course, FarFetched!" She made it sound as though she wants to slowly re-build our relationship and start talking to eachother on a regular basis again. But, last night, I didn't get a call, no "goodnight" text. I realize she may have been doing family stuff for her sister's birthday, but still. I am not going to reach out to her at all today and see if she reaches out. In my mind, if she does, then she probably is somewhat sincere about wanting to rebuild things starting with our communication. If she doesn't, then the writing's probably on the wall. Does that seem to be a fair assessment? With that said, I am fully expecting her to not contact me today. If she does not, I am planning to start some form of NC or LC as I rebuild myself and continue making improvements. Would you all recommend I go NC or LC? If LC, what would that entail exactly? Thanks!
FeelingLonely98 Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 I would suggest going NC. Maybe the next time she contacts you and says she needs more time tell her you interpret that as a decision. Anything other than "Yes, I am here to fully work on the M", then take it as a No. Tell her not to contact you again unless it is seriously about the M. And tell her you are moving on and taking her actions as a no-go for the M. This will wake her up quickly or stop her from playing games with you. "Slowly rebuild..." Please, that's BS. It's a black or white decision, no gray area here! LC would be on as needed only basis. I am on day 23 NC now. Before that the previous 4-6 weeks was LC - usually only to talk about the D papers and other "business" matters. Of course, stupid me, I used these meetings to bring up emotional discussions, which she always responded with something to make feel like a total piece of sh*t!! Only hurt me. See what others say , ... GOOD LUCK!
floridapad Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Dude, Married one year and she is already having an EA and quite possibly PA. NC all the way and don't look back. If she is doing this now so early in the relationship then she will do it again. NC will help you detach and look at things more clearly. Do not wait for a decision from HER. It is now YOUR decision. Run fast and don't let her waffling make you waffle. Her actions speak for themselves, not her words.
Author FarFetched Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 She ended up trying to call me this afternoon while I was attending an event. I suppose it's a decent sign so far that she wants to make an effort to communicate. We'll see if she keeps it up. The reason I am hesitant to make demands from her is that I have been pushing her to move out here from the beginning. The book I am reading (Rebuilding: When your relationship ends) suggests that it's a bad idea to try to force spouses to move out, so I'm not doing that anymore. I also recognize how awful it is that she turned to another man so early in our marriage. I don't excuse that at all. But, people do make mistakes ONCE. There were alot of things I wasn't providing to her emotionally, so I can understand why she was needy. Again, I do NOT condone EAs or PAs. But, if she can admit to a mistake and show me enough effort on her part that she wants me, then I may give it a shot. I'm not doing anything anymore...she is going to have to show me alot for me to not move on without her. With that said, I am considering only reaching out if she contacts me. I won't initiate anymore conversations through email, text, or phone. Feel free to bash me if I am setting myself up for failure here.
Boundary Problem Posted December 2, 2009 Posted December 2, 2009 Doesn't the fact she lied to you - bother you? All the other problems are peripheral. Isn't the fact she was dishonest with you the core problem. And the reason there is no future?
Author FarFetched Posted December 2, 2009 Author Posted December 2, 2009 Doesn't the fact she lied to you - bother you? All the other problems are peripheral. Isn't the fact she was dishonest with you the core problem. And the reason there is no future? Yes, lying is not going to be part of our marriage. She lied, I caught her, she apologized. If she does it again, she's done.
Boundary Problem Posted December 3, 2009 Posted December 3, 2009 She doesn't sound very stable to me. Is this the kind of life you want? Forget her and just focus on the lifestyle you two share when you interact. Is this what you want for yourself going into the future?
Author FarFetched Posted December 3, 2009 Author Posted December 3, 2009 No, I definitely do not want an unstable relationship for the rest of my life. My hope was that we could go through counseling to at least see whther some of our problems could be corrected. But, if I can't get her out here to do it, then it's impossible. Early on, she mentioned she wanted to be out here, but now she just doesn't know. As I said before, I'm not initiating any contact with her. Only responding if she calls or texts me. I am not going to bring up the relationship anymore, am telling her how great things are out here and how well I am doing, etc. But, is this enough? Will this be enough to wake her out of this daze she's been in the last few months? I have been tempted to just go NC, but I would be doing it with a goal in mind: to get her to the point where she finally says she wants to be out here to work on things. But, will me not responding just make her feel abandoned? She has been very respectful of me the last couple weeks. Telling me she wants to make sure I am focusing properly on finals, wishing me luck with everything, telling me how smart I am, etc. Despite what has happened, I feel bad ignoring her during this time. But, if that's what I need to do to wake her up, then that's what I'm prepared to do.
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