California Love Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I've browsed through this site and found there to be many helpful individuals and posts, so I was hoping that you all can help me steer this ship in the right direction. The Background: I have been with a girl for around 5 years. After lasting through a rough patch and temporary separation early in the relationship, I thought we were on track for the long haul. We moved in for the first time together just over a year ago and things started to fall apart. There was a certain level of bitterness we shared over issues that we weren't talking about enough, but I didn't feel any of the issues were too big an obstacle to overcome. I felt we were a strong couple with a bright future ahead of us. The Situation: As far as I can tell, at a certain point in time a few months ago (not sure how long) she flipped a switch. From that moment on, I feel she started building a case against me in her mind, putting me in a difficult situation. Rather than talk about things that might have bothered her, she kept to herself until she essentially reached a boiling point that culminated in something resembling a "Dear John" letter. I think in other posts I've seen this type of behavior referred to as "Stockpiling" or the "Walkaway Wife Syndrome" (although we weren't married). In short, enough differences had piled up to affect the way she felt about me and she didn't feel she could be with me any longer. The Present: Immediately following the big newsflash, we exchanged long and well thought out emails to each other about the situation, how we felt, and how we were feeling. There was so much I needed to know and understand. Still, I kept a cool head as best as I could (don't think any of the exchanges seemed whiny) and after a few emails and some reading, I asked her to consider giving everything one more try. Sadly, I think she is a bit beyond wanting to try. Meanwhile, simultaneous to the long emails about our relationship, we have been sending casual messages back and forth about our how our days have gone, what we've been up to, etc. After reading more into this NC thing, I wonder if that may be my best chance at getting her back. In fact, a lot of the things I've read make it seem like I may be making a mistake by carrying on light-hearted discussions with her via email or text. While I can't expect anybody to know the full situation, I'd expect many of you know similar situations and the general trends of how these things might go. With Christmas just around the corner, we talked about exchanging gifts and maybe meeting up for a bit. I guess my main question is, what is generally the better approach: No contact, and risk her mistaking it for disinterest with the hopes it will stir an awakening? Or continuing with these casual exchanges we've been having with the hopes of it rekindling an interest? If NC, have I done too much already to ease her off of me? (been 2 weeks or so) I've remained active and have gone out with friends and have made a conscious decision to better myself. I suppose I just wonder how NC would work if she doesn't know what I'm up to? Also, how to initiate it the right way without giving her the idea I'm not interested? Should Christmas gifts be out of the question? Either way, I love the girl and I would do anything for the opportunity to try again and do things right. Still, I am prepared for whatever my happen, and I'm trying my best to be strong and think clearly about all of this. Thanks all in advance for any stories/ideas/suggestions. If it helps to understand, I can clarify details also. I could use some help!
Bulldozed Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Sorry to hear about your situation. My only advice is NC at this point. Focus on your own self-relationship. Also - read the two attachements below, multiple times.
Author California Love Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 Thanks. I read through each of those and they are both very helpful and have a lot of good points to make. I'm still not quite sure how to handle the Christmas gift thing, since we had already discussed exchanging gifts. I suppose I could just send her a gift, but what if she suggests meeting up? Or next time she contacts me, should I just suggest that we don't exchange gifts at all? I'm not sure how that would come across to her, since the holidays can be such a sentimental time. I don't mean to put too much focus on the gift thing, but it's kind of the only marker I have to go off of as far as the future is concerned.
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