notsure419 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 We have been together since I was 19. 18 years together, 8 of them married. I still have feelings for him, but there hasn't been deep love or passion for many, many years. We have defininately grown apart. We have two small children, 5 and 3. He is a great dad and a hard worker, but I am not happy. We never spend any time together and he is fine with that. He prefers to play video games or watch sports, which I am ok with as long as there is some time with me too. I feel like I am begging him to spend time with me. I have told him how I feel, but to no change. I am not interested in dating or another man. I feel we have both fallen out of love and it is just a comfort thing..Am I expecting too much? Is there something I should try?
tinktronik Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Have you talked to your spouse about MC?
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I think you two need to start communicating NOW as much as possible. Try marriage counseling. Do you want to fix the marriage? It almost sounds like you are beyond that. He may not understand your needs. He may be happy but does not realize you are not happy. You must talk to him honestly and openly. Tell him you feel it may almost be over. Get professional help. And by all means keep posting here. This site will help you in ways you never would have believed. GOOD LUCK!!! Peace!
Cranialrupture Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Your problem is not unique and it can be fixed if done right. Love doesn't go away. It lessens with time if not taken care of. The saying love is like a rose is no bs. If you ignore it, it will wilt, if you take care of it, it will blossom. Sounds like you both have become co dependant with each other and complacent. There is a ton of information out there. Get some MC, pick up books and read them, search online, and get advice from people here at LS. Alot of us have already learned and learning what it takes to make a relationship work. Knowing very little of your situation I can only shoot some ideas in the dark for you. Talking to him will not do very much. It may seem like he doesn't care, but thats more the complacency talking. Actions will speak alot louder than words. Women need certain things to fill their emotional needs and men also have their own set of emotional needs. You get complacent with each other and those needs are not being met so love starts to fade. There is no one thing you can do to magically fix things. It will be alot of things over a long period of time to fix them. Love is in the giving, not recieving. Kind of like christmas. You get something you want its exciting but short lived. You give or do something to someone with care and it will last a lifetime. The things that stands out to me as a kid during the holidays was not all the toys and gifts I got but the times we went and gave food and presents to the needy. They never knew who we were, we just left food, clothes and gifts on the door step, rang the door bell and ran. Those times have alot deeper feelings to me than any gifts I recieved. Your relationship and love works the same way. Look back to the beginning of your relationship and start doing those things that you did then. You probably worked your but off for him back then to try and impress him and win him over. Guess what, your now in the same boat. Get back in love with yourself and try and win your man back and start educating yourself on relationships. Actions speak louder than words.
NowhereToHide Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 We have been together since I was 19. 18 years together, 8 of them married. I still have feelings for him, but there hasn't been deep love or passion for many, many years. We have defininately grown apart. We have two small children, 5 and 3. He is a great dad and a hard worker, but I am not happy. We never spend any time together and he is fine with that. He prefers to play video games or watch sports, which I am ok with as long as there is some time with me too. I feel like I am begging him to spend time with me. I have told him how I feel, but to no change. I am not interested in dating or another man. I feel we have both fallen out of love and it is just a comfort thing..Am I expecting too much? Is there something I should try? I could have written this exact post, except my H doesn't play videogames, he just works all the time. We have grown apart. We're more like roommates that have sex. He's an awesome dad, and I've talked numerous times about how we need more, how I need more, and nothing changes. I think for some men, they kind of draw the line at where their responsibilities end. If they provide financial support, help with the kids then they are done. They don't see the relationship with their spouse as something that needs tending. it's just THERE. For him, I'm here to serve in my role as cook, cleaner, child care, social secretary... basically everything involving his world outside of work falls to me. And as long as I'm keeping up with that, he's happy. But I need more. I want passion. I want a partner that "sees" me, that fulfills more than just a financial role. Some days I feel that we're already too far gone.
floridapad Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Notsure and nowhere to hide - You are not too far gone. Love doesn't just die it gets burried underneath a lot of misunderstanding and resentment. I sound a lot like the husband NTH has. I simply forgot about by responsibility as a lover because I was a good dad and provider. I lost the connection that my wife now feels she may never get back. My BIGGEST complaint about all this was that my wife chose to discuss this with me after she had an affair. She sat down and said in a very somber tone, I don't have feelings for you any more. Whoa that rocked my world. Up to that point she kept alot inside out of fear and she helped allow the relationship to deteriorate. DON'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN, but also be VERY careful how you communicae it ( No nagging. Read up on this. It is very important). Don't give up. Love is there, the walls need to come down and you both need to work through this. It happens in just about every relationship so if you don't learn now and committ you will end up in the same place in the next marriage. Good luck
Cranialrupture Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Notsure and nowhere to hide - You are not too far gone. Love doesn't just die it gets burried underneath a lot of misunderstanding and resentment. I sound a lot like the husband NTH has. I simply forgot about by responsibility as a lover because I was a good dad and provider. I lost the connection that my wife now feels she may never get back. My BIGGEST complaint about all this was that my wife chose to discuss this with me after she had an affair. She sat down and said in a very somber tone, I don't have feelings for you any more. Whoa that rocked my world. Up to that point she kept alot inside out of fear and she helped allow the relationship to deteriorate. DON'T ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN, but also be VERY careful how you communicae it ( No nagging. Read up on this. It is very important). Don't give up. Love is there, the walls need to come down and you both need to work through this. It happens in just about every relationship so if you don't learn now and committ you will end up in the same place in the next marriage. Good luck I agree, I did some reading on this myself and as a man I can 100% agree, you may not see it as nagging but he will. It's a guy thing. Its not necessarily what you say its how you say it and your actions. Admire him for what he does do and when he does something you like, show admiration for him. I think you might be surprised at the reaction you get from him. Admiration is similar to appreciation but different at the same time. Make him feel like a hero when he does something good.:) It's not manipulation its just helping him bring out what guys like and need. I don't have any names of books off the top of my head but there are some out there that can really help.
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