Need to vent somewhere

[soheartbroken]

Oh ya. I also moved away from the city that my law school is in, and I'm too devastated to go back right now. Too many memories and fear or running into her. So to go back I would probably have to transfer...or face my fear. Ugh.

[leap83]

One thing I've learned through my recovery is that if you fear the worst, it will happen. If you fear that she will end up achieving much more, it will happen. If you fear that something won't go your way, it won't. Every time I thought about the negatives, they came true. However, when I concentrated on the positives, everything was good and I smooth sailed through life (quite literally).

 

Someone once told me to work on myself and keep on working and not to hope for an ex coming back. In the end, in theory, they will come back because you've worked on yourself and become a better person. However, this might be years later - my ex of 4 yrs wanted to come back this year: a year and a half after our break-up - and I frankly realized what kind of a loser he is and was not interested in going back. I've grown and he didn't. Simply put.

 

Don't ever, EVER pull yourself down because of an ex. Even if they were the nicest, kindest person you've ever met - they wouldn't want you thinking about yourself like that. I know that my most recent ex truly wants happiness for me and truly supports and believes in me. Why? Because he knows how strong I am. The funny thing is, every time I doubt myself, he puts me back up - he sometimes believes in me more than I do in myself. There MUST be a reason for that. I sometimes underestimate myself and my abilities and he's very well aware of my capabilities.

 

So, don't give up on yourself because you're alone now. You never know what the future holds. Just keep on working on yourself and do what feels right at the time. Don't have fear. And even if you do, ignore it. I've been trying to do this myself - hell, I have tons of fears that I battle on a daily basis. But I have decided to put my foot forward. I have decided to change myself and my path of life.

 

Yes. I love medicine with all my heart. I don't care about others around me. When I'm helping others, I feel peace within me. Absolute calm. And I know that this is the job for me. You mention sexism - hell, I want to be a neurosurgeon. Do you know how many females become neurosurgeons or how many there are in my city hospital? None. Am I discouraged? NO! I look forward to kicking butt. I look forward to being that one female. As for partying and people, there will always be those people. But YOUR goal is to become a lawyer. YOUR goal is NOT to go through drinking. YOUR goal is to do what you love and to kick those butts out there. Forget about others! Think about yourself and YOUR impact on the society.

 

I hope my post makes sense. And I hope you take it into consideration.

 

 

Hi Leap. Thanks for acknowledging my post.

 

I totally hear you. If I was good at one thing, or I was to take over the family business or something, I wouldn't have to go through this crisis. I just have this awful fear that whatever I choose won't turn out, and that I will be a chronic underachiever. This is something that was always on the back of my mind though, and the breakup is just bringing it to the forefront and making me freak out. I have this sense of dread that she will accomplish so much and be happy that she left my sorry ass.

 

Law itself was okay (but just okay though), but it was the law school culture that I didn't like. So much drinking and partying, sexism...some professors weren't that great. Plus the work-life balance sucks, depending on what you do. I was thinking of just getting the degree and then worrying about what to do with it...but then I'll just be back in the same place 2 years from now!

 

Even if I could concentrate enough to go back (and I might be close to that point), it is an extremely stressful environment, and I don't think I can handle the two stressors at once (the breakup and the school). Plus all it would take is the slightest setback and I could fail an exam or something! For instance, found out my ex updated her Facebook profile pic and went into a huge backslide. Have since deactivated Facebook.

 

Sounds like you love medicine though, way more than I love law school.

 

I hope you come back and read this! I wanted to post last night but it was too late.

[leap83]

Oh ya. I also moved away from the city that my law school is in, and I'm too devastated to go back right now. Too many memories and fear or running into her. So to go back I would probably have to transfer...or face my fear. Ugh.

 

Ok. When you see her, what's the worst that could happen? And what is the best case scenario? What is in the middle of those 2?

[soheartbroken]

Worst case, totally be ignored, or to see her with someone else. Seriously, she has absolutely abandoned me (NC was her idea as much as mine!), and I'm very vulnerable.

 

Best case, she breaks down and wants me back!

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I think I would modify it slightly and say not to ignore your fears (because they tell you something), but to persevere in spite of them. To face them. But going back to that city is just a bit too much right now. Maybe I will make a triumphant return some day.

 

I have this problem that my worst fears often don't come true. Exams are a wonderful example. After I write them, I tend to think that I failed, but I often do quite well. I've actually come to believe that if I think about things positively, that it won't come true...sort of like a superstition, or karma. e.g. if you think you're a shoe-in for a job, you won't get it. Totally different perspective than you! Funny eh?

 

So I tend to fear the worst so I won't get disappointed. Ideally I won't even care if my ex is more successful than I am in the future though. But she was my first "true love" so I don't know that I will ever be indifferent to her.

 

But, I am trying to work on myself, like you said.

 

I think if I could knock at least one thing off my plate, like having a plan for school for the fall, then my stress levels would decrease ten-fold. But having my life in limbo AND coping with loss is very tough.

 

At any rate Leap, you sound much more grounded than me at the moment. You're positive and upbeat and you love medicine. Things will work out.

[leap83]

At any rate Leap, you sound much more grounded than me at the moment. You're positive and upbeat and you love medicine. Things will work out.

 

I don't know about that. I'm positive - yes. But grounded? Not really. Just like you I'm going through a difficult time right now and it hurts to know the truth. It hurts to face it. It hurts knowing that something you really want, can't be right now.

 

I'm starting to come to terms with it but every single day I hurt a bit more. It's been like this for 4 months now and it is not going away. It's there - in the back of my mind, deep inside my heart.

 

You can only go forward from here. My case is not total NC like yours. If it was, I don't know how I would deal with it - I probably wouldn't. Time spent without him is ..... well, I don't even want to think about it. So I bury myself into work. I let my days pass quickly, hoping the pain would just vanish. But the truth is that it doesn't. Before we parted I told him that my feelings for him will probably go away fast - because that's what usually happens to me. But hell.... they haven't gone away AT ALL. They're there. It's like they're being stubborn. I say "I'm not supposed to feel this for him right now" and yet my heart goes "Yes. Yes you are." I'm done battling with my own heart. I have never felt it do something like this.

 

So... On the surface I may seem okay. Through my posts I may seem that I'm upbeat and positive. And I am. Because that's the kind of person I am. Even when everything is crashing and burning, I have a smile on my face and I walk right through it. People don't notice my pain. Hopefully they never do. But it's there. It's real. And it's not going away.

 

The funny thing is for most people here on LS, it gets better. They start to feel better. It's completely opposite for me. I think I'm in worse shape now than I was a month ago. So don't be fooled by my positivity. It's there. But it can never knock off the pain I'm feeling.

[soheartbroken]

Well, you can count me out of "most people on LS" because I don't feel much different now than at 1 month.

 

Could it be possible that you've distracted yourself too much from the pain, so now you're dealing with it now?

 

They say the only way around pain is to go through it...

[leap83]

Well, you can count me out of "most people on LS" because I don't feel much different now than at 1 month.

 

Could it be possible that you've distracted yourself too much from the pain, so now you're dealing with it now?

 

They say the only way around pain is to go through it...

 

Nah. I went through it. But when it wasn't going away, that's when I started to pack my days and make them busy. I went through this before - after my 4 year relationship ended. However, the pain wasn't the same. It was completely different. So in theory I knew how to maneuver the end of a relationship but this one caught me off guard (I knew it was going to end though). The pain is different.

 

I've tried my hardest. I've tried everything there is to try. Now I'm just facing it. I'm facing the fact that I will have these feelings for him for a long time. It scares me. But it's the truth.

 

Sometimes I wish I never met him. Other times I'm happy that I did. Sometimes I play in my head the times we've spent together and I can still remember every detail of it. I remember his voice. His smile. Sometimes I laugh and it reminds me of his laugh. I was on the bus today and I kept thinking about him and what should I do and I was like "I just need a sign.... about him... anything... damn" and at that moment the bus stop went "Hope Street." EVERY TIME! I didn't believe in signs before but now they're everywhere. Quite literally. It's driving me MAD! That's why I wish I was on a deserted island now.

Edited November 30, 2009 by leap83

[soheartbroken]

 

I've tried my hardest. I've tried everything there is to try. Now I'm just facing it. I'm facing the fact that I will have these feelings for him for a long time. It scares me. But it's the truth.

 

 

This is what I mean. Nothing to do but face it. I'm in the same boat. Will have these feelings for a long time. And the NC keeps her on her damn pedestal...

[woopster638]

buy a boxing bag and beat the **** out of it.....and den go gym and work the **** out of yourself, then come home and sleep and i guarantee you feel better than just venting like this ololol

[leap83]

This is what I mean. Nothing to do but face it. I'm in the same boat. Will have these feelings for a long time. And the NC keeps her on her damn pedestal...

 

Well, I was thinking tonight and it's time I pull the plug. I know how much he cares and how much he supports me, but for my own good (which is not really guaranteed right now), I am pulling the plug on LC. I've thought this through long and hard and it's probably going to hurt like hell, but for the first time I'm letting destiny take over. If we were meant to be, he'll be in my life somehow, some day. If not, well then, I'd feel sad because of it, but I won't let it bring me down. I mean the LC wasn't bad at all but it's knowing what he is doing and how he is doing that is causing me to start doubting my initial decision. Like this, I won't know and hopefully the doubt will go away (for the time being).

 

She is on the pedestal not because of the NC but because of your thought process. My ex of 4 yrs was on a pedestal for 6 months after the break up. When I started talking with him again, I was like ":confused: Wait a second... I thought he was going somewhere with his life.... :rolleyes:" So, it's your thought process thinking that she is perfect. Let's face it: no one is perfect.

 

But I know what you mean. It's hard when you lose someone so close to you in every single level. I didn't necessarily lose him, but I'm risking that right now.

[red_cloud]

Nah. I went through it. But when it wasn't going away, that's when I started to pack my days and make them busy. I went through this before - after my 4 year relationship ended. However, the pain wasn't the same. It was completely different. So in theory I knew how to maneuver the end of a relationship but this one caught me off guard (I knew it was going to end though). The pain is different.

 

I've tried my hardest. I've tried everything there is to try. Now I'm just facing it. I'm facing the fact that I will have these feelings for him for a long time. It scares me. But it's the truth.

 

Sometimes I wish I never met him. Other times I'm happy that I did. Sometimes I play in my head the times we've spent together and I can still remember every detail of it. I remember his voice. His smile. Sometimes I laugh and it reminds me of his laugh. I was on the bus today and I kept thinking about him and what should I do and I was like "I just need a sign.... about him... anything... damn" and at that moment the bus stop went "Hope Street." EVERY TIME! I didn't believe in signs before but now they're everywhere. Quite literally. It's driving me MAD! That's why I wish I was on a deserted island now.

 

I read somewhere once that the path out of a break up is never straight, but full of bumps and curves and ups and downs.

 

The actual healing process is moving on, than taking a step back, then moving on again then taking a step back. Eventually, the steps back will be less and less frequent, and then you won't care anymore.

[leap83]

I read somewhere once that the path out of a break up is never straight, but full of bumps and curves and ups and downs.

 

The actual healing process is moving on, than taking a step back, then moving on again then taking a step back. Eventually, the steps back will be less and less frequent, and then you won't care anymore.

 

Yeah. Well, hopefully pulling a plug like I did today will do it.

 

And it is. I mean, you have the good days and the bad days. When break-up occurs, depending on what happened, you might have more good days than bad days - my break-up last year.

 

It's not that you won't care. You still care even years after, but you just don't bother going back. What's the point?

 

I keep thinking if I made a completely different decision in July whether this whole thing would have been avoided or whether we would be back to the same (as it is now). I mean, I read somewhere that there are always 2 roads you can take. But do those 2 roads lead to the same darn thing?!

[soheartbroken]

Good luck with NC. I think some space will do you both some good. Keep us posted.

[leap83]

Good luck with NC. I think some space will do you both some good. Keep us posted.

 

I wouldn't think that. NC will, like he said, push us farther away. His words, not mine. But, in this case, he's saying the truth. Our break-up wasn't bad so there is really no reason for NC, but the only reason why I'm doing it is to see how long it'll last and whether I will still think he's changing right now and working on himself (hence doubting the decision of breaking up).

[red_cloud]

I wouldn't think that. NC will, like he said, push us farther away. His words, not mine. But, in this case, he's saying the truth. Our break-up wasn't bad so there is really no reason for NC, but the only reason why I'm doing it is to see how long it'll last and whether I will still think he's changing right now and working on himself (hence doubting the decision of breaking up).

 

If you're doubting the decision for the breakup - then why not reconsider it?

 

I don't know your background, or if he had a major deal breaker or something else like that or he's the one that doesn't want to be in a relationship, but if not, then why cause yourself pain and not reconsider it?

[leap83]

If you're doubting the decision for the breakup - then why not reconsider it?

 

I don't know your background, or if he had a major deal breaker or something else like that or he's the one that doesn't want to be in a relationship, but if not, then why cause yourself pain and not reconsider it?

 

There are a lot of factors that come into play when trying to consider the prons and cons of giving it a second shot. Firstly, I told him that I don't give second chances (this was based on my 4 yr relationship and after that one I said to myself that I will NEVER ever give anyone a second chance again...). He came to terms with that. Secondly, he needs major work on himself - he got out of a 7 yr relationship and can't get a grip on his life right now. His thoughts are all over the place. He is unstable. His mood swings are incredible. Thirdly, I need a lot of work on myself. Just like him, I got out of a 4 yr relationship which destroyed my self-esteem and only half a year ago I started to build it back up.

 

So, considering all of the above, the timing of being together is WAY off. Issues from our past were the ones that were causing trouble in our relationship, so until we both deal with our past, we shouldn't even consider going back in the relationship because they will pop up again - that is guaranteed. If we were to try again, I want it to be from the beginning. No issues from the past, no confusion, etc. I want a clean start. We both know that being in a relationship right now will not work - he's trying to build his career, getting his thoughts into process, coming to terms with whatever happened in his past relationship, trying to see what he likes/dislikes. I am in the same stage. And we live about 2 hours away from each other.

 

I was reconsidering the break-up and I'm assuming he was too (based on the last conversation). He blames himself for our break-up, which is another major issue - it wasn't all his faut. It was a 50-50 split and until he realizes that we're going to go in circles. Basically, based on what I have told him, he believes he does not have a shot with me, but then again he doesn't want to be only friends (I sensed hesitation on his part when talking about being friends and 'hanging out').

 

Thus, can't be friends. Can't be together. So, I think we need some time to re-organize our lives. Besides, I'm off to travel next year for a year. He didn't know this until last week. He was hoping I was moving to his town next year (which was in the cards) but I decided to take a break from studies and travel the world. He is very supportive of this but again, I could hear in his voice that it wasn't like "YAY!"

 

Many factors come into play. I can't think anymore. I'm tired of thinking. So, NC to stop thinking.

[red_cloud]

I don't know, but obviously I'm a strong believer in "if there is a will there is a way" mentality.

 

I think that second and even third and fourth chances are okay as long as someone is sincere. Everyone slips up once. Some people twice.

 

And isn't the point of a relationship to grow and evolve together and support each other? I mean, granted, both of you have to put in a lot of work and he can't be putting his career or problems from his old relationship as an excuse for bad behavior.. but I think you get the gist of what I mean.

[leap83]

I don't know, but obviously I'm a strong believer in "if there is a will there is a way" mentality.

 

I think that second and even third and fourth chances are okay as long as someone is sincere. Everyone slips up once. Some people twice.

 

And isn't the point of a relationship to grow and evolve together and support each other? I mean, granted, both of you have to put in a lot of work and he can't be putting his career or problems from his old relationship as an excuse for bad behavior.. but I think you get the gist of what I mean.

 

He never behaved badly towards me. He's always been very respectful, open, caring and kind. What caused us both to sort of back off was the fact that stuff like insecurity, negative mentality, etc. were getting in the way. For me, it was also the lack of trust.

 

I have gone back when nothing was "fixed" and it didn't last for long - that's why I said I wouldn't give second chances.

 

For a relationship to be healthy, you have to be grounded (not fully but with at least one and a half foot on the ground). Right now, both of us are up in the air. Instead of bringing in all of these issues into a new relationship, why not resolve the issues first? Yes. There is a will. But right now, there is no way to build anything. I'm a firm believer that you have to be happy with yourself to make someone else happy and that you have to be grounded, know what you want and have a semi-stable life to build a healthy relationship. So is he. I've learned from my past the hard way. It would be dumb of me to ignore all of these factors and walk into something that right now can't be.

 

However, that being said, I'm almost 100% sure that if we're both back on our feet and want to give it another shot some time in the future, it would probably work out since we've both taken the time to work on ourselves and our lives. It would be a much happier relationship (not to say that we weren't happy when we were together). You can't count on another person making you happy, while everything else in your life is spiraling out of control. It just won't happen.

 

So, while your mentality is good, it works only when 2 people are stable and grounded. Otherwise, same mistakes are repeated, lessons are not learned, and relationships break. That's why many reconcile and break-up a couple of months later - because they haven't resolved the issues that were there before.