Another case of her "wanting to find herself"

[overlyConfused]

Although I am not actually married, I feel that this is the appropriate forum to post in, since my fiance (well ... ex-fiance) and I have been living together for over 7 years. We were engaged to be married next year. The reason why we have put off marriage for so long at this point was that we were basically supporting ourselves through school. Once we progressed in our careers, we decided that it was definitely time for marriage and set the date for the Spring of 2010.

 

To preface my situation, we started dating during her senior year of high school while I was attending college. I am about 5 years older than her. She was never in a serious relationship before me, but I was not her first. Things moved very quickly. Once both of us were in college and a year into our relationship, we started living together. With this in mind, she never really got to live the "college life", since we were always together. We became so co-dependent on each other and didn't really make an effort to make new friends.

 

Once we both graduated and landed jobs, we decided to buy a house together. I was a bit reluctant in doing so; however, living in an apartment complex made her miserable (the place where we lived truly was horrible), and I just couldn't see her that way. This was about 6 years into our relationship.

 

Everything seemed to be going great. We did not argue outside the normal realm of what a relationship brings. We had a good sex life where we always made sure both of us were satisfied. We both began fruitful careers, and money woes were almost non-existent. We have two dogs that we both love very much. She has really fallen in love with her job and is extremely good at what she does. We both have lost weight and feel more confident than ever.

 

Since she began working for her company, she has had nothing but good things to say. She even urged me to apply for a position in a different department (we are in two very different fields). A couple of weeks ago, I finally took her advice. Her company was very interested in my resume and wanted to set up an interview right away. That evening, I told my fiance about the good news. All of a sudden, she didn't feel it was such a good idea, since she thought it might be weird that we see each other at work. This is understandable at face value; however, I was a bit peeved that it was her idea to begin with. We got into a small argument (mostly me), and I did what I always do -- go off and give myself time to cool off.

 

I came back to her and apologized and told her that I truly understand how she felt and that I would not be pursuing the job. I honestly did understand her concern and felt it was logical and realized I was wrong for getting mad. This is when the bomb dropped. She started crying and expressing that she "needed to find [herself]" and that "it's not you ... it's me". She also said things like "I just wish we met later in life" and more importantly, "I need to know what it is like being on [my] own". I asked if there was another guy she was interested in, and she denied it. She stressed that it really was about her. I believe her.

 

In hindsight, all of her concerns make sense. We did start dating when she was very young. She hasn't gotten to experience the world like I have (I have lived on my own, traveled, and even served in the military). We have been together for 8 years and have seldom been apart for long periods of time. Also, I do admit that I am very attached to her and was comfortable with always being together.

 

As you can imagine, I was very hurt beyond explanation. I initially begged her to come back, but doing so had no positive ramifications. She is the world to me, and I love her very much. Little by little, I started letting go. Things are quite complicated, since we both own a house together, our families are very tight, and we already signed contracts for wedding venues and all things associated with getting married. We have begun the process of splitting our debt down the middle, removing names off each other's accounts, and I have already signed a lease for an apartment. We have decided to go ahead and continue with the mortgage, and she will stay at the house.

 

Despite her breaking my heart (especially right before the holidays), I truly do love her and would still do anything for her. She is away for Thanksgiving visiting one of our friends, and I am at home taking care of the dogs rather than staying at my apartment.

 

At this point, I am really confused on what I should do. Below are some questions on my mind:

 

1. I love her so much that I am willing to wait, but is this statistically a lost battle?
   
2. Should I cease telling her that I love her.
   
3. Should I completely severe communication with her and try to move on as soon as possible? If so, should I wait until she reaches out to me if/before we start talking again?
   
4. I have been doing things for her while she is on vacation like maintaining her car as well as house maintenance. Do you see these actions being problematic? The reason I ask is that my friends urge me not to help out. I feel this is silly and immature, since I still do love her, but perhaps I am being naive.
   
5. How should I behave during this transition? Should I be straight-to-the-point and not show too much emotion, or should I just be myself?
   
6. Is continuing to own the house together a bad idea? We do not want to sell, since doing so will entail a big loss. Also, she does not want to rent out the house.
   

 

I know it is cliche, but the world really does feel like it is crumbling. I have never been this depressed before and find it very difficult to perform daily tasks without thinking about her. I really wish this didn't have to happen. Eight years together ... and all of it is about to go down the drain. It is rather heartbreaking that the girl I loved for almost a decade is able to completely throw me away like this. I understand her wanting to "find herself", but I just don't understand why a compromise cannot be met.

 

Any advice is truly appreciated. I truly need it right about now.

[hopesndreams]

I love her so much that I am willing to wait, but is this statistically a lost battle?

Should I cease telling her that I love her.

Should I completely severe communication with her and try to move on as soon as possible? If so, should I wait until she reaches out to me if/before we start talking again?

I have been doing things for her while she is on vacation like maintaining her car as well as house maintenance. Do you see these actions being problematic? The reason I ask is that my friends urge me not to help out. I feel this is silly and immature, since I still do love her, but perhaps I am being naive.

How should I behave during this transition? Should I be straight-to-the-point and not show too much emotion, or should I just be myself?

Is continuing to own the house together a bad idea? We do not want to sell, since doing so will entail a big loss. Also, she does not want to rent out the house.

Waiting around for someone, like a little puppy dog, will not, will not make her want to be back with you. It will only make her come round, now and again, to pat your head and then watch your tail wag. Who doesn't like puppies?

 

Absolutely, positively cease telling her you love her. Why? It will only remind her that she no longer loves you.

 

Sever all communication NOW. Why wait? The sooner you do this, the sooner she will look for you, because, heck, she needs to know what you are doing in your life and if you are still the little puppy wanting a pat on the head. Any communication from her that does not involve talk, from her, of getting back together is a complete waste of your time and life. You have better things to do!

 

Stop fixing her car, looking after her house (you really should sell and take the loss) and being at her beck and call. It only makes you a doormat. No one respects someone they can walk all over. Respect precedes love. No respect? No love.

 

You want to be second banana? Look, she may never tell you the real reason why all this is happening. Cheaters are liars. You are serving a purpose for her life right now by continuing to be there and being agreeable to whatever she wants. She will have you on the backburner in case the new relationship with her new fella doesn't work out. You deserve better! Cut the ties. You owe her nothing now. She made her choice---let her live with it.

[LisaUk]

Welcome to the jilted club! The club no one ever wants to be in. Mine left after we booked our wedding after 18 years together, similar excuses given as your ex and then he started to get nasty and throw the s**t at me. Mine is a commitment phobe, it's possible from your exes behaviour she is too. But my money is on another man.

 

Sorry to put it so bluntly, before coming here last June I would have given people the benefit of the doubt, but I've seen it too many times right here on this board. Get digging, I can almost guarentee you she is cheating or has someone in mind. Also, get the book He's Scared, She's Scared by Stephen Carter, read it cover to cover, I bet your ex is described to a tee! After all, it's funny how she has waited until you have booked your wedding to leave isn't it? Most "normal and decent" people make the decision before things get to that stage. Those that don't have no respect for another human beings feelings and are selfish to the core.

 

As for keeping the house so SHE can live in? To h**l with that! How DARE SHE ask for you for that, when she has choosen to walk away, she wants a free ride, DON'T give it to her. She made her decision, let her find out how hard life is, remove yourself from her immediatey, cut all contact, see a lawyer and get a formal seperation aggreement drafted re your joint assets and finances and get that house on the market. I am DISGUSTED she would even suggest you keep paying the mortgage.

 

I know all of that was really harsh, I acted like a complete doormat when my ex jilted me and I so wish now I hadn't, it just pushed him further away. If you check out my threads you can see for yourself the train wreck that I am, I should have been getting married in 3 weeks, I've had suicidal thoughts recently (not going to act on them), so I am still dealing with this 8 months on, but one thing I have learnt from all this, is that YOU need to put YOU first, nothing you say to her is going to make the slightest bit of difference, so don't say anything at all, unless it's through your lawyer. Sometimes I despair of the human race, how can she possibily think what she is doing to you is OK, FIND HERSELF?????? She needs more than to FIND HERSELF, she needs to have been brought up correctly, with respect and decency for the sanctitiy that is human life. She isn't worth you. Leave her to it and find happiness with someone who is.

[tojaz]

and more importantly, "I need to know what it is like being on [my] own".

 

Best advice is to let her do that with no help from you. Any support you give her is just making it easier for her to distance herself. She needs to pay the bills, take care of the dog, fix her car etc. Shes not going to realize what you contributed if you keep giving it to her.

TOJAZ

[overlyConfused]

I appreciate everybody's advice so far. It's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but it is definitely something i NEED to hear.

 

With regards to her cheating, I truly feel that this is not the case. I am sure that most of you are thinking, "yeah ... I heard that one before", but I really do not think she is. On the other hand, I cannot rule out the prospect that although she hasn't cheated, perhaps she wants to venture off. I would be naive to completely discount this possibility.

 

As far as the mortgage is concerned, we would be taking close to a 25K hit. This does not bode well for either of us. Renting is not really an option, since both of us do not really have the time to fill the landlord role. Perhaps I should just suck it up and take the hit. She said that she would rather have me put the house in her name than to cut our losses, but I truly do not feel she can afford it with her salary. According to some of you, perhaps I shouldn't even be concerned about this anymore? I still love her, so I am just not sure if I can stomach this.

 

All of this happened just last weekend, so I am still new to this dreadful experience. Should I really be cold towards her as the replies so far have implied? Thanks again for everyone's help.

[mark982]

she's terminated a business, all that's left is to split assets of that business. that's how you gotta think of it,hard but true. why give her a free ride in the house? if you going to take a $$ hit,she's also has to. but i'd be doing some digging, willing to bet there's someone else. didn't she get awful nervous after you told her you had a interview?

[curiou]

I can't believe that in the three weeks I've been here, I've read this story like 20 times. My best friend is going through exactly the same thing. He has not posted, but is trying to learn from all these experiences. It's amazing the commonality of human experience!

 

Okay, my little aside is over. I would say she is genuine in her feelings that she needs to find herself. Statistically, I would venture to guess that 99 times out of 100, it's due to someone new, especially at work. She wants to "find herself" on top of this other person.

 

If you need this information for closure (and are able to let her go in a dignified manner because of it), snoop a little bet and I'd bet the farm that on her phone or emails, during lunches at work you'll find her in a bit of rigamarole with an affair partner. If you're not married, and you find inexcusable, YOU'RE IN THE BEST POSITION OF YOUR LIFE TO JUST WALK AWAY. You've already done most of the good legwork separating your finances, etc. I commend you. That's hard! The emotional separation is much harder.

 

But . . . if you want to commit to her in spite of probable cheating, you still have to separate. You have to END the "I love you"s immediately. It is the only dignified way. You have to kick her out or move out (if it's her mortgage) and give her silence so she can miss you and realize what a mistake she's made. Pleading will prolong this, trust me trust me trust me. Read the innumerable stories here and you'll see it's true. And if continue to plead, profess your love, buy her gifts, act hurt, show her tears, you will regret it in several weeks. I guarantee it.

[trippi1432]

Hi overConfused - first off, sorry to see you here on the boards, but Welcome. I'd have to agree with alot that has been said already, you are making it way too easy for her to "find herself".

[LisaUk]

I appreciate everybody's advice so far. It's not exactly what I wanted to hear, but it is definitely something i NEED to hear.

 

With regards to her cheating, I truly feel that this is not the case. I am sure that most of you are thinking, "yeah ... I heard that one before", but I really do not think she is. On the other hand, I cannot rule out the prospect that although she hasn't cheated, perhaps she wants to venture off. I would be naive to completely discount this possibility.

 

As far as the mortgage is concerned, we would be taking close to a 25K hit. This does not bode well for either of us. Renting is not really an option, since both of us do not really have the time to fill the landlord role. Perhaps I should just suck it up and take the hit. She said that she would rather have me put the house in her name than to cut our losses, but I truly do not feel she can afford it with her salary. According to some of you, perhaps I shouldn't even be concerned about this anymore? I still love her, so I am just not sure if I can stomach this.

 

All of this happened just last weekend, so I am still new to this dreadful experience. Should I really be cold towards her as the replies so far have implied? Thanks again for everyone's help.

 

Hi

 

Sorry about the tough love this morning, I know right now it's all very fresh and I remember how hard it was for me to accept that the person I loved, the person I was going to marry had betrayed me so terribly. I made a few financial mistakes because of my trust in him, even though I had a lawyer, even when I discovered he had been moving joint savings into his sole name without my knowledge (something I would NEVER have thought him capable of).

 

Right now, you love and trust her as you always did and you can't see her for who she really is, a few months down the line and you will start to regret how nicely you have treated her through all this. I'm not suggesting you go cold on her, just don't show how devastated you are, as difficult as that is. You need to express to her that you don't want to split, but if it is what she wants there is nothing more you can do than to live you life. In other words make her think you are fine and dandy and happy to be moving on without her. (Called pulling a 180, see divorce busting website).

 

Re the house, I am once again disgusted that she would try to get you to sign over your share to her for nothing! What, so she can sit there and wait for the market value to go up and reep all the benefits of having a nice home and the increase in market value? NO WAY! There are other options to taking a hit. If she wants the house, let her BUY you out, if she can't raise the funds TOUGH. Could you raise the money to buy her out? What about if you took a buy to let and got in a room mate? How about drawing up a business agreement with her and renting it but under an agency, so no problems of landlord?

 

Take your time here, you are dealing with an awful lot and it's hard to think striaght right now. Is there a family member that can help you with all this legal stuff? Look out for you, b/c right now you are in shock and grieving and that is not a good time to be making life changing decisions, yet they have to be made. Also, it's ESSENTIAL you see a lawyer, trust me on this, I am at law school and you seriously have no idea just how complex these types of things can be.

 

In all your decisions, you need to be thinking about YOU, not her. Like I said you love her with all your heart and your instinct is to trust her and protect her, but the sad fact that you will come to see in the end is that she isn't thinking about YOU she is only thinking of herself and right now you HAVE to make YOU a prority and take everything she says with a pinch of salt.

 

Keep posting, we will get you through this.

[comj49]

I am in the same boat right now. My wife of 9 years is saying the exact same thing, almost at the same time. It is the hardest thing i have ever had to go through. I feel like i can fix her, but it just won't happen. It has been only a week and I am starting to realize i need to move on, she is gone. Only someone that is completely checked out can do this to you. Everyone around us has tried to convince her that she might be making a mistake, but she will not listen. In the end, if she truly wants you, she will come back, but at what cost. I am starting to think that even if she came back to me, would i want her back. Why would i want to put myself through this again, especially if she comes back only because she feels guilty. If she is not 100% committed to working through this, then you can't do anything but move on.

 

If i were you, since you have no ties other than a home, i would get out! Sell it, or give up your right to it if you feel it would be a financial problem. Let her have the mortgage and everything that goes with owning a home. It really sucks, and i feel the same way right now. It is like getting punched in the gut on a daily basis. Hopefully it gets better. Good luck.

[overlyConfused]

Thanks again for all the support. I am not really the emotional type and hate talking to others in person about my problems, but these message boards are a great alternative for me. I have actually posted the same question on another board and find both of them are converging with respect to what advice is given.

 

I am definitely starting to see a consensus here: man up ... and she is probably cheating on you.

 

With regards to her cheating, I am very confident that there is no other man. Whether this is straight-out denial or fact, I cannot be too certain.

 

With respect to manning up, I definitely need to man up! Seriously! At this point in my life, I really am acting like a pushover. To be honest, the reason why I am being so nice is that this desperate brain of my thinks that it gives me some sort of brownie points to increase my chances of her coming back. Apparently, as it has been stated on this thread, this only pushes her further away.

 

I think I am ready to put my foot down. I am just about ready to move on. I have to see her one more time to explain my newfound confidence and some changes that need to be made (e.g. mortgage, NC, finances, etc).

 

I was very skeptical about these forums at first, but I really feel like listening to all of you has helped tremendously. I just hope that my new outlook on this whole ordeal isn't fickle as with my emotions. I admit that I find myself thinking, "that's it, I'm moving on" ... only to find myself five minutes later thinking, "damn ... I can't do this". Again ... I just need to man up!

 

Thanks again, everybody.

[comj49]

"Manning up" isn't that easy. Like i said, i am trying to do the exact same thing. I am having the exact same feelings. You think if you can convince her how much you love her and how much you are willing to change, she will turn and run back to you. I have gone down that path already only to regret it. She just politely says "we are in different places right now" and that is it. Don't do it, trust me. She needs to come back on her own, if ever.

[LisaUk]

Hi, yes thats what I did too, didn't want to do anything that may ruin my chances of any possibility he would come back, so was nice, made everything really easy for him. In the end, he still didn't come back. You need to look after you.

 

She may not be cheating on you, it's not a given, my ex wasn't cheating on me, although I do think he had someone in mind. Dig around, see what you can find, but my guess is if not, she is a commitment phobe, terrified of marraige just like my ex.

 

They will turn it all around on you, blame you for everything, b/c they need to justify to themselves what they are doing. In life, we all make choices and commitments on a daily basis, when we choose our career, that is a commitment, we don't turn round 7 years later and say (when everything has been good and happy),I regret not trying out other careers first. My point, your ex choose to be with you, you have not been arguing, having problems etc, you are at the height of your relationship, just booked your wedding, she suggested you get a job where she works, then all of a sudden, boom, she wants out? B/c she hasn't been on her own (read, b/c she wants to retain her freedom, CP's can't stand to feel trapped).

 

She's been happy with you for 8 years, why now? Now she suddenly thinks she needs to find herself? No, she has cold feet about the wedding b/c she has a serious problem which she is unable to admit to, b/c admitting to it means having to face it and deal with it, far easier for her to walk away.

 

Notice how she has given reasons to leave you that you cannot do anything about, there is nothing you can do to resolve her feelings, they are dead end reasons. Why is that do you think? B/c if she gave you anyway of resolving anything she would have to face her fear.

 

Don't waste your sympathy on her though, she is a coward through and through, just like my ex. We all have difficulties in life, I suffered with panic attackes for years, but I never hurt him with them, I would have suffered them for the rest of my life rather than do that.

 

Get the book I suggested, it will make enlightened reading for you. As for moving on, that's going to take you some time. I am 8 months post bomb drop and I am still finding it hard, although it does get better, having a backslide right now, wedding date coming up.

[LisaUk]

Hi, yes thats what I did too, didn't want to do anything that may ruin my chances of any possibility he would come back, so was nice, made everything really easy for him. In the end, he still didn't come back. You need to look after you.

 

She may not be cheating on you, it's not a given, my ex wasn't cheating on me, although I do think he had someone in mind. Dig around, see what you can find, but my guess is if not, she is a commitment phobe, terrified of marraige just like my ex.

 

They will turn it all around on you, blame you for everything, b/c they need to justify to themselves what they are doing. In life, we all make choices and commitments on a daily basis, when we choose our career, that is a commitment, we don't turn round 7 years later and say (when everything has been good and happy),I regret not trying out other careers first. My point, your ex choose to be with you, you have not been arguing, having problems etc, you are at the height of your relationship, just booked your wedding, she suggested you get a job where she works, then all of a sudden, boom, she wants out? B/c she hasn't been on her own (read, b/c she wants to retain her freedom, CP's can't stand to feel trapped).

 

She's been happy with you for 8 years, why now? Now she suddenly thinks she needs to find herself? No, she has cold feet about the wedding b/c she has a serious problem which she is unable to admit to, b/c admitting to it means having to face it and deal with it, far easier for her to walk away.

 

Notice how she has given reasons to leave you that you cannot do anything about, there is nothing you can do to resolve her feelings, they are dead end reasons. Why is that do you think? B/c if she gave you anyway of resolving anything she would have to face her fear.

 

Don't waste your sympathy on her though, she is a coward through and through, just like my ex. We all have difficulties in life, I suffered with panic attackes for years, but I never hurt him with them, I would have suffered them for the rest of my life rather than do that.

 

Get the book I suggested, it will make enlightened reading for you. As for moving on, that's going to take you some time. I am 8 months post bomb drop and I am still finding it hard, although it does get better, having a backslide right now, wedding date coming up.

[overlyConfused]

... She just politely says "we are in different places right now" and that is it ...

 

 

One thing that she has said numerous times is, "I just wish we met later in life." I'm not sure why, but her saying that frustrates me to no end. I want to turn around and say, "I wish you weren't being so selfish at the moment."

 

As many of you can empathize with me, my head is all screwed up right now. When I dropped her off at the airport on Thanksgiving day, she told me she loved me and gave me a very tight hug and emotional kiss. She has not said the same before or after that moment during this break-up. Regardless, I will definitely take the advice of everyone and not even utter those words again. I have to pick her up from the airport later this week. I suppose many of you would not condone this, but I gave her my word that I would pick her up. Unlike her, integrity is an important value to me. This will give me time to discuss what it is that I want and propose my strategy for severing ties with her.

 

What makes this even more difficult is that she would like for both of us to visit her family for Christmas. She is afraid to tell them, since they all love me and treat me as part of their family, but will do so when she is ready. I also love her family as well and really was looking forward to seeing them. Is it safe to assume that this is a huge mistake and that I should definitely refuse? Is it possible that being with her family on Christmas will help her realize the mistake she made, or am I being a pushover yet again?

 

I apologize that it seems like all my posts have some sort of excuse or contradiction. It is so complicated right now, and I am trying my best to get everything squared away for ME.

[tojaz]

Cant argue with keeping your word and picking her up from the airport. The number one thing to remember is to eep your integrity through all of this.

 

As for the holidays and keeping the breakup from her parents. I would be wondering why she wants to do this. Its time to stop living on her terms and show her that ther are consequences to her actions. Not only would I not go, I would call her parents ahead of time and tell them EXACTLY why. You don't want this, don't help her cover it up! Who knows, a little support for you from her family may be just what your looking for.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

I agree totally with Tojaz, she doesn't wnat to tell her fmaily b/c she knows what she is doing isn't right and is ashamed. Don't cover for her, as tempting as it is to think it's an oppurtunity to win her back (I would have thought the same 8 months ago), all you are doing is playing into her hands, she has no intention of reconciling with you, she is just using you to avoid telling her family (like I said, she's a coward). I would do what Tojaz said, call her famliy now and tell them what she has done.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh or if I seem to be calling your love names, I can imagine right now that would seem hurtful to you, as you still love her, but I have been in your postion, EXACTLY, except I was with my ex 18 years.

 

The kiss at the air port, my guess, she's conflicted, CP. My ex told me how much he loved me and how much he loved cuddling me at night, b/c it made him feel so happy and safe and secure just two weeks before bomb drop!

 

If you must pick her up form the airport, plan to act detached, happy without her, done with her rubblish. Trust me you need to pull a 180 if there is any hope to be had.

[tojaz]

 

If you must pick her up form the airport, plan to act detached, happy without her, done with her rubblish. Trust me you need to pull a 180 if there is any hope to be had.

 

Agree 100%

 

As for calling her family, I would suggest that for sure, but tread lightly! They are her family and as much as they may be against what shes doing they will support her in it. The exact words I got from my exs dad was " I will support her, but will not influence her" It stung like hell, but I have to admire the man for that. He did right by his daughter. Let the exposure be enough, just call, tell them you love them and your sorry your missing out on the holiday and you wish her the best. The more you try to plead your case, the more manipulative you will seem and thus help her justify her actions. Just give a polite explanation for your absence and let the rest run its course.

TOJAZ

[overlyConfused]

I must thank everyone once again for this great advice. I actually spoke to her brother today, and he was extremely shocked. The whole saying that blood is thicker than water is very true, so I was definitely careful of what I said. He actually commented that he has heard this before many times (his job requires carrying on conversations with customers), and that he thinks she has "cold feet". He said that this wasn't unfathomable, since everyone has been expecting so much from her with regards to getting married and having kids. I was very honest with him and explained to him why we weren't there for Thanksgiving and why I won't be there for Christmas. He told me to call him any time I needed someone to talk to, so that bit was reassuring.

 

At this point, I am definitely ready to move on. We spoke on the phone today, and I basically told her what I wanted. She was without emotion and agreed to all my requests (mortgage, dogs, etc.). She said that she couldn't afford closing costs, and I told her that I was sorry and that I had to look out for me ... which is exactly what she has been saying with regards to herself.

 

I feel that I am getting stronger every day, but I have been experiencing these strange panic attacks that I have never experienced before. I have actually started shaking when it hits me really hard. My brother suggested I seek help from a psychiatrist, but I don't believe in them, as well as the medicines that usually come after. I feel like I am strong enough to eventually quell this anxiety with patience and persistence. The advice on these boards has certainly helped.

[tojaz]

OC, don't dismiss the counseling help so quickly, it helps a lot. The meds are always your decision, I passed on them myself but speak to a counselor every other week. Helps a lot to cope with the loss and to learn a little about yourself as well. I would give it a try, you can always stop if it dosen't agree with you, but I would try a handful of sessions to see if it helps.

 

The panic attacks are awful and can be very debilitating. I had to take days off of work on account of them on more then one occasion. Never found anything but time that made them stop completely, but caffeine seems to make them worse and posting here helped them to pass.

TOJAZ

[nobmagnet]

I still shake and panic at the least thing. Phone rings unexpectedly........could be him/mother in law. Blind panic. I have caller display but it happens every time.Takes me an age to stop. I am already on anti-d and its your choice. I really want to go down the councilling route and the lady that did our relationship councilling was great.

 

Ultimately you are on the rollercoaster. Sometimes it stops for a while and you feel strong but then something happens and your back on it again. I is a painful experiance you are going through and you are bound to have physical responces to it too. Your addrenilin is flowing full time and you get lows after that. It drains your body of ceratonin (happy hormone) Its why many to athletes suffer from depression. Prolonged adrenilin= depression (lack of production of ceritonin) Doing things you used to do before her and new experiances will help you get some more happy hormones. Buying new clothes, having a new hair cut, having a beer with your mates with a smile on your face (even if you dont feel happy) when you get an admiring glance froma pretty lady you will understand that you are hansome and whole as a person. Let her "sail her ship" protect your emotions andlook after you

 

take good care

 

x

[LisaUk]

Hi OC

 

Try not to worry about the panic attacks, completely normal in the circumstances. When one comes just try to remeber it is because your body is trying to fight or flee a threatening situation (the loss) but you have nothing to fight or flee from. I hope that makes sense, it's called the fight or flight response, we needed it years ago in order to hunt and still today when raced with danger eg a car speeding towards us. The body produces adrenilin so we can get out of the way. What is happeneing is your mind is percieving threat to your being (loss) but like I said no way to fight/flee hence a panic attack.

 

Be patient with yourself, this a huge shock and you are just starting the grieving process, give yourself a break, you will not be functioning on top form right now. Try to eat well and sleep (difficult I know) and try and do things to relax that you enjoy eg have a bath, some nice food, go see a film. Right now the last thing you probably feel like doing is socialising, but it is right now that you need to surrond yourself with your freinds and family, go to game, movie whatever, just keep busy.

 

I think you did the right thing telling her brother and you were right to remember that blood is thicker than water, always keep that in mind.

 

Keep posting, we are all here to listen and help you get through this, you are not alone.

[overlyConfused]

I know I keep alluding to this in my posts, but reading what has been written by all of you caring souls truly is helping me get by.

 

Today is actually Day 10 from the day the bomb dropped. I'm not sure if it is the roller coaster effect you guys speak of, but I actually feel mad today and feel that I really am ready to get over her.

 

We had an email discussion today with regards to the mortgage. I contacted the bank, and it turns out all she needs to do is a process called an Assumption and perhaps a Quit Claim on my behalf in order to transfer all responsibility to her. I gave her this news, and she seemed fine (especially since she made a big deal about closing costs that she wouldn't be able to afford, but no closing costs are needed). She then emails me back saying that she cannot afford this (about $900) and expects me to pay for it. She then has the audacity to tell me that she is being "considerate" in that she isn't pushing the house on me. Can you believe it? I wanted to bring up the fact that we lost at least $2000 in deposits b/c she canceled the wedding. Essentially, this type of behavior is what has me feeling a little mad and ready to let go.

 

As far as socializing, I have been trying to make an extra effort to do so, and I do feel it is helping tremendously. I just hope these feelings from today stick, but I know that would be naive of me to truly believe so. I'll just have to take this on one day at a time.

 

I do have a question for today: I will be picking her up in a couple of days from the airport. Unfortunately, we have to spend some time together going to places to square away our accounts (e.g. phone, bank, etc.). Would it be in my best interest to not bring up the fact that she left me? Would attempting to make her feel guilty have any negative ramifications, or will it actually help me in some way? I apologize if this question sounds silly and immature. Thanks in advance.

[tojaz]

I do have a question for today: I will be picking her up in a couple of days from the airport. Unfortunately, we have to spend some time together going to places to square away our accounts (e.g. phone, bank, etc.). Would it be in my best interest to not bring up the fact that she left me? Would attempting to make her feel guilty have any negative ramifications, or will it actually help me in some way? I apologize if this question sounds silly and immature. Thanks in advance.

 

Making her feel guilty is only going to be seen as manipulative (GUILTY). I would say nothing, strictly business. Any realization shes going to have, shes going to have to come to by herself. All you can do is decide to be open to it if it comes.

TOJAZ

[comj49]

I think you did the right thing by not going to her family's for the Holidays. My wife wants me to do the same thing, but i just can't. I think someday we can hang out with each others family, for the kids, but not yet. It hurts too much to be around her. There are just too many feelings of anger, loss, abandonment, etc.. to put myself in that situation. You did the right thing. Maybe someday she will realize what she has done, but if she is anything like my wife, she believes 100% that she is doing the right thing "for her".

 

My plan is to work on myself, work on the things that I was at fault for in our relationship. That way, if she does or doesn't come back, I will be a better person and better prepared for the next relationship.

 

Like i said, my "bomb" dropped at a similiar time, and I have started to feel that if she doesn't want me despite all the good things I offer, then someone else will, someday. Keep your head up. Sometimes it just isn't meant to be.