Officer down!

[lkjh]

I am afraid without consequence, she won't change. You need to separate finances, cancel CCs and you need to file for divorce. This will protect you financially. You don't have to get divorced but you should file. She needs to be and bawling (not balling) snot and mascara running mess. She has to actually believe that she might lose you.

 

I find it so interesting that everyone is analyzing and focused on my opinions of why infidelity can occur - by the way I never said this was 100% of the instances. And, I find it interesting that I am being attacked for voicing an opinion with suggestions that are actually in the interest of any couple. But, there have been no attacks toward the responders that tell this man to divorce his wife, to threaten her with divorce - to even file, to take away all of her money and cc's, to make her take a child with her wherever she goes, to monitor her every move...come on please. These suggestions are not in the interest of the "family," but interestingly no one was alarmed enough to respond. This has turned into a debate on "how it happens" rather than a constructive conversation on helping people to move forward.

 

first off nobody has attacked you so don't get all super sensitive about it, we pointing out that blaming the victim for the cheating is flat out wrong. When you tell someone that they got cheated on because their spouses needs weren't fulfilled you are blaming them. Second, he should divorce her, she ruined him finically, she cheated, got caught, and then on top of that got him to watch the kids so she could sneak away to a hotel with the guy. She didn't even try to lie about needing to spend the entire night out, she just did it. That is not someone you can trust, or someone you should spend your life with. She broke her vows big time and she obviously does not want a monogamous relationship. Telling him to check up on her is perfectly ok as well. If you cheat, get caught and what to stay together you have to understand that you will lose your freedom because you are no longer trustworthy. She would have to be 100% transparent. That part is common sense.

[seibert253]

I am afraid without consequence, she won't change. You need to separate finances, cancel CCs and you need to file for divorce. This will protect you financially. You don't have to get divorced but you should file. She needs to be and bawling (not balling) snot and mascara running mess. She has to actually believe that she might lose you.

 

^^^^^^

This right here. No need to read anything else. This is the only thing that will save your marriage, if that's what you want.

 

Personally, you gave her a second chance, she blew it, out the door she goes. I'd NEVER be able to trust her again. You may be different, but that's how I feel.

 

I'm also a brother in blue. Seen many others where you are.

 

Stay safe.

[FreezorBurn]

My wife without my consent made a very stupid mistake and lost a very large amount of money that I will be paying for for at leasst 10 to 15 years.

 

I was very verbly abusive to her when I found out and then she ran of and had a EA. Because I didn't support her in her stupid mistake and I didn't appreciate her.

 

 

At the very least you know the truth of what went on. I have to trust a lier and make myself believe she didn't f*$k him.

 

Read the books suggested here. You have suffered a trama and you will need a few years to recover. The Pain Embarrassment Humiliation Anger resentment is all too common to me.

 

I choose to stay with my wife. The good out weighs the bad and I will not have my children grow up in a broken home. Like you I will be monitoring my Wife for the rest of my life and I don't know if I will ever trust her again.

 

However my children will grow up with a MOM and Dad that live together and we never argue in front of them.

[TheLoneSock]

I stand by my analogy, and I think it's quite appropriate (and it's your choice whether or not to feel "insulted"). However, let me offer some others:

 

The bank that was robbed must have done something wrong, and needs to be more introspective.

 

The old lady that was mugged needs to be more introspective.

 

The puppy that was abused needs to be more introspective.

 

I disagree with your major premises:

 

1. Fault is always and necessarily shared. Bullsh*t. It MAY be, but prove to me that it is always, every single time, in each case, 100%. What Dr. Phil wannabe came up with this overly simplistic (but cozy) myth? I think fault (although impossible to quantify precisely) moves from 50/50, all the way up to 99/1, and even to 100/0. Yes, I believe a person can be completely blameless in a relationship, with the other person 100% WRONG.

 

2. The guy must have done something wrong. How dare you impart guilt to the victim? This is not fair to him, it's a simplistic assumption, and it's extremely presumptuous.

 

3. The wife is simply reacting to her situation in an understandable manner. You are, in effect, giving the wife a pass by suggesting that she must have been somehow "pushed" into this by the husband's behavior. Permissive thoughts like this are highly detrimental to culture and society. NEWSFLASH: SOMETIMES PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS, IN FULL KNOWLEDGE, JUST BECAUSE THEY FEEL LIKE DOING IT. When this happens, they need to be held responsible and accountable. THE HUSBAND IS THE VICTIM HERE, 100%. THE WIFE IS WRONG, 100%.

 

It's thinking like this that has monsters like Mary Winkler walking around free, when she should be behind bars for the rest of her life. Jeez, we expect kids to own up to their transgressions (But - but Tommy made me do it!). Let's hold our adults to the same standards, if not higher ones.

 

Exactly. This is not a child we're talking about, it's a fully grown woman with a marriage and family. Unless she was raped, she was a consenting adult.

[SoulStorm]

I wonder if NY156 is ck1's wayward wife

[jnj express]

It is pretty straight forward BOTH PARTNERS MAY BE/ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR MARITAL PROBLEMS----straying cheating partner is 100% responsible for any affiars outsid the mge. with the other sex. At the least straying partner should give the time they would have given sneaking around and setting up their cheating liasons, had they used that time to work on the mge., things may have been different---at the worst---get a divorce 1st

[New_Life08]

I am sorry to hear about all of this. My boyfriend went through very similar with his ex wife. It was awful as they have 2 kids and he tried to let it all go and forgive her. She had other problems with addiction so after the affairs went so far she couldn't stop. So they eventually divorced. I don't know what I can say except that it will take a miracle from God to save your marriage.

 

It seems obvious to me that she doesn't want to try. Also, I have my doubts she is really in love with the neighbor. It could be that he has been convenient to her when she needed it. I would bet that if you divorce, he will become history too.

 

So, what are your thoughts now? What is she saying about the marriage?

[kis]

I would think that it is not uncommon for a person caught in an affiar to have trouble ending it immediatly like they should. I have seen this happen before. They mean to but end up thinking they have to see or talk to them again. Just like any relationship. It usually takes more than one breakup. So maybe there is hope yet.

[ck1]

First of all I would like to apologize for the breach in security on my thread. Against my own gut instinct and advice of another thread I allowed my wife to review the responses here. The reason being, she has asked repeatedly why I don't talk to my co-workers about this issue. I told her that the responses I would get at work would be similar to what has been posted here, but far worse, and from people she knows and associates with. And frankly I don't need the added stress as work. I have enough to worry about there and as of now it is my only safe haven to escape my reality. Through no fault of my wife however, she mentioned this website with a friend (NY156) who took it upon herself to interject her two cents worth without consulting myself or my wife. In my opinion, way out of line and not her place to give her opinion on this thread. I voiced this to my wife and she doesn't seen to have a problem with it. Apparently knowing NY156's personality better than my wife does, I expected she would search for this thread and was not surprised. And in fact I told my wife she could tell her to log in and read what I put as NY156 is my wife's confidant, but it troubles me tha she would do this behind her back.

 

Enough about that. My wife read my initial post and said it was very unbias and accurate so I know that my side of the story is not one sided. I mentioned my fault at emotionaly neglecting my family's needs at times and am not saying that I'm a saint and have been the best husband. I've made mistakes, but not without cause. After my two kids were born sex came to a stand still and I took a backseat to just about everything. I get that from a mother's standpoint, but it is not to say there will no consequences for it. Sex is a HUGE part of what I feel is important in my marriage. Not only was I not getting that, but very little of an emotional connection as well. My wife blamed it on hormones and just the stress of having two kids. I get it and can understand that, but not feeling wanted and needed anymore and simply being a paycheck made me resent her and I too emotionally shut down. This was our biggest downfall, but a few years later we overcame it. Then the financial mess hit and back to square one. Came to terms with that, then the infidelity. So that's the past 9 years in a nutshell. Up until the affair, typical marriage stuff.

 

My concern now is allowing myself to come to terms and cope with this so we can move on together if it is in the cards.

[ck1]

As I posted earlier, just trying to move on and see if there is hope and it seems like it is definitely an up hill battle and I obviously have the blinders on. Just two weeks ago it was my son's 6th birthday. The son of the "other guy" was my son's "little buddy" as he called him. My wife (and I honestly can't remember if she asked me or not) invited the little boy to the party. I tried to be the bigger man and feel the kids should not have to pay for our mistakes, so I allowed the boy to attend. Little did I know, the OM's teenage daughter was also coming. Apparently my wife and the teenage girl have been talking as she is having issues in dealing with her parent's divorce. Insane huh? So having both of those kids at my son's party was a hard pill to swallow and it affected me more that I had anticipated. So I asked my wife to please stop all contact with everyone in that family because it truly upsets me and acts as a trigger for me recalling the past. No different than post-traumatic stress disorder.

 

She had issues with that and said it was unfair to the kids. I said that was something she should have thought about a long time ago...what was best for the kids. I asked her to give me just a month, 30 fu**ing days, where I don't have to see the OM in my neighborhood, don't have to see his kids, and don't have to find her car in a hotel parking lot. I made it clear and have told her this numerous times in the past few days.

 

So tonight I come home from work at 10:30 pm and guess who is sitting in my living room talking with my wife.....the teenage daughter. WTF!!!! I didn't say sh**, went stright into the garage and hit the weights. What doesn't she get? I'm really starting to see how insignificant my feelings are to her. I understand the teen has issues too, but she has a mother, an aunt, a friend's mom to confide in, as well as her pussy of a father. It should not be my wife given the circumstances. Nothing good will come of this which I have explained to my wife at length many times.

 

So since my wife, and NY, are sure to read this....am I over reacting? Is she seriously willing to put the needs of the OM's daughter ahead of her own husband's? I thought we made some real progress this past weekend, just like after I had initially confronted her about the A, but as soon as we take a step forward, she kicks me in the chest and pushes me and our future back 10 feet. She's pushing me back to the cliff's edge and eventually I will push back as hard as I can to protect myself and MY future.

 

At this point I can only assume her actions are intentional and guided directly towards pushing me away. How else do you explain it? The door is open and she is free to walk out of it at any time. All I ask is that she stop fu**ing with me and my emotions ad make a god damn choice. She says i is not black and white...I say bull sh*t.

[lostsunsets]

Its a shame that your wife is on here now. Basically what that means is that all suggestions will be broadcasted to her. Thus taking any advice you are given and interpreting it as an attack on her. Now you will both be trying to get on top of each other regarding responses. In my opinion, you just lowered your chances of reconciliation. Another thing. At least at this point you are more interested in winning the argument then restoring your marriage. The advice you get here is meant to accomplish two things. First to stop her spreading her legs for your neighbor. Second to get into her head what life would be like without your love and support. My previous advice still stands. Cut her off financially, cancel all credit cards (If she needs something have her make a list), and then file for divorce. Unless her *$#%ing the OM and making a cuckold out of you isn't that big of a deal and is more an inconvenience then something that is destroying your marriage. Then by all means continue on the path you both are going down.

Edited December 1, 2009 by lostsunsets

[lostsunsets]

Oh and for NY156. Now I understand where you're coming from. In response to all you have written. As long as she is #$%#@ing the other man there is no chance for their marriage. CK and his wife both need to be tested for STDs.

[SoulStorm]

UMMM NY156..I hope Dexter Morgan doesn't find this thread...It won't be pretty

 

ck1..I think what your wife did was totally disrespectful. It's like she's rubbing it in your face. Regardless of what the teenage daughter's problems are, you should come first. Or were the marriage vows just words from a book for her.

 

Those are the consequences of having an affair..you just can't keep getting involved with the person or his/her family.

 

By doing so it shows blatant disregard for your feelings and it definitely shows how important your needs are to her.

You did right by not causing a scene. Your feelings are also justified. Plain and simple..your wife was wrong.

[hopesndreams]

So, who is NY?

 

Advice given to you under these revelations, is now pointless. IMO. Whatever you now say in here will now be for her benefit. That's too bad.

 

Good luck!

[RedDevil66]

wow, ok, first of all, your wife reading this is not conducive to your healing. Nor are her friends comments helpful. It's actually insane that a friend would even put her nose into this. Creepy actually!

Now having said that, I agree with a little bit of everything in here.

 

The wife's friend hears her friend side and wants the best for her, but if this girl was her TRUE friend, she would encourage her to seek help or get a divorce and not condone her cheating.

 

CK1, what you need to do is step back from this. The cheating, the lies, the wife coming here, the friend coming here etc, is going to make you crazy.

Your wife is a low life who's decided to deal with her need for love in a very sick way.

 

Back in 1998, my BF of 11 yrs neglected me. He was never home and I was alone ALL the time. What did I do? I went out and cheated on him. Over and over and over with the same married man. I justified my scum bag actions the same way your wife is by saying "well he didn't give me what I needed".

I was sick, I was misguided and I lived in denial.

It took me many year of healing to realize it was not my ex's fault, but all my own doing.

 

You are SO deep into this madness and toxic environment right now that you cannot see reality.

 

To your wife: what you are doing is low level behavior and what you're doing is causing severe trauma to yourself and your loved ones. You have zero respect for your husband and family. To bring this guys daughter in your home when your husband asked you not to because it hurts him shows the low level you're working on.

 

CK1, ask her to leave, get your head straight, get into therapy and then and ONLY then will you know if this can be fixed.

[Robin2000]

does the neighbors teenaged daughter know about the affair? How do you know she isn't acting as a go between for your wife and her dad?

[lkjh]

CK,

Your wife is not worth it. She is not hanging out with the OM daughter because she wants to help her, she is doing it because it keeps her connected to him. You know your wife is not worth it, so save yourself some time and divorce her. Also, don't believe anything she says, it will all be a lie. Protect yourself and I am sorry that you married such a self-centerd person. Her affair is still going on, she will continue to look you in the eye and lie. Sad but true

 

You know honestly I thought NY was just a typical stupid person but this sure cleared a lot of things up. Ny's advice was strictly about protecting the cheater and making excuses, the one poster who made the joke about NY being your wife turned out to be dead on.

[Bryanp]

Again judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes. She clearly has very little respect for you whatsoever. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Please see an attorney to understand your options. She is making you look like a clinging pathetic fool. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

[ck1]

So, who is NY?

 

Advice given to you under these revelations, is now pointless. IMO. Whatever you now say in here will now be for her benefit. That's too bad.

 

Good luck!

 

I know my time here on this forum is quickly coming to an end because it is no longer just a safe place for me to vent without my wife and friends being here as well....it is time I think about myself and my own needs at this point.

[ck1]

wow, ok, first of all, your wife reading this is not conducive to your healing. Nor are her friends comments helpful. It's actually insane that a friend would even put her nose into this. Creepy actually!

Now having said that, I agree with a little bit of everything in here.

 

The wife's friend hears her friend side and wants the best for her, but if this girl was her TRUE friend, she would encourage her to seek help or get a divorce and not condone her cheating.

 

CK1, what you need to do is step back from this. The cheating, the lies, the wife coming here, the friend coming here etc, is going to make you crazy.

Your wife is a low life who's decided to deal with her need for love in a very sick way.

 

Back in 1998, my BF of 11 yrs neglected me. He was never home and I was alone ALL the time. What did I do? I went out and cheated on him. Over and over and over with the same married man. I justified my scum bag actions the same way your wife is by saying "well he didn't give me what I needed".

I was sick, I was misguided and I lived in denial.

It took me many year of healing to realize it was not my ex's fault, but all my own doing.

 

You are SO deep into this madness and toxic environment right now that you cannot see reality.

 

To your wife: what you are doing is low level behavior and what you're doing is causing severe trauma to yourself and your loved ones. You have zero respect for your husband and family. To bring this guys daughter in your home when your husband asked you not to because it hurts him shows the low level you're working on.

 

CK1, ask her to leave, get your head straight, get into therapy and then and ONLY then will you know if this can be fixed.

 

 

I see reality....have just chosen not to believe it.

[ck1]

does the neighbors teenaged daughter know about the affair? How do you know she isn't acting as a go between for your wife and her dad?

 

 

Despite some of the things my wife does to hurt me, I would hope she would not lower her standards to that level.

[ck1]

Again judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speaks volumes. She clearly has very little respect for you whatsoever. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. Please see an attorney to understand your options. She is making you look like a clinging pathetic fool. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this?

 

 

That is exactly wht I feel like, it is to the point now I am enbarrasses as to how vulnerable I have become and how much I have put myself out there to her.

[jmargel]

ck,

 

With what has gone on it is NOT your wife's responsibility to help this OM's daughter. This girl needs a councelor and your wife should be the last person to be offering advice.

 

Take a step back and look at your marriage, look at your wife's personality. I'm not here to attack her but for you to look at this at a different angle. Your wife messes up your fiancial situation.. Her response.. Oops, i'm sorry. You can fix it. Your wife lies, deceives and cheats on you. Oops, i'm sorry, you can fix that. Then continues to do this to you. Continues to lie and deceive.

 

Remember she didn't come to you, you got to this point because of your detective work. This would be a totally different situation if she came to you with remorse and the wanting to change.

 

What you have here I believe is a parent-child relationship. Your wife can probably relate to this teenage girl of the OM's, because your wife herself acts like a teenager. She messes up, doesn't face any consequences and you (the parent) are there to try to clean up the mess. As long as you tolerate her behavior you will continue to get more of the disrespect in one form or another. She may talk a good talk but so do all teenagers. They'll tell you what you want to hear and then sneak behind your back and do the opposite.

 

I think what you are looking for now is resolution. You don't care which way this marriage goes, but you are looking for an end to this drama and any future drama she may have in store. And you have two options. First is to walk away, walk away with confidence that you will find happiness again and that you can be relieved of not having to put up with her immature attitutde and disrespect. She may not even realize how much this has damaged your love for her, the foundation of your trust and devotion to her. And like a teenager she might say 'I don't care' until it happens, until you leave..

 

The second option is for her to get therapy. This is something that won't be cured overnight. This can take months, years.. It's because the cheating, the lying, the dispect is only a 'topic'. The root of these 'topics' is her personality disorder. Could be because of the way she was brought up, etc.. doesn't matter. Until she gets that fixed these topics will continue to pop up like a weed. You need to deal with the 'root' of these issues, just like a weed and get it resolved so these situations don't present themselves again.

 

I'm somewhat in the same position as you. We are too old for this crap, our lives are filled with too much to handle already. No need to be living on edge, playing detective or living in this emotional turmoil.

 

So what do you do? Make her face the consequences for once. Make her accountable for where she is at, all times. She doesn't like it? Tough, she can leave. In fact, encourage her to leave. Open that cage door as much as possible. Make strict boundaries that she is not allowed to cross. If she's going to act like a child then make her face the punishment of one. She needs therapy, it's a dealbreaker if she doesn't go or stops going. If she does go, let her know that there still isn't a guarantee that you are staying in the marriage. She has to do goto therapy for herself, not the marriage or anyone else.

 

You need to keep better care of yourself. Start doing things for yourself, forget her. Let her EARN her way back into your life. Not only show, but live confidence. Live it like you know you will find happiness again. Know that she didn't do these things because of you, she did these things because of her personality issues that need to be dealt with.

 

This is the only thing that has helped me with my similiar situation. Don't tolerate the bull****, too many beautiful women are out there that will appreciate what you have to offer.

[Dexter Morgan]

When I confronted her about the affair she initially denied it then quickly admitted evrything. Sexually not much went on due to his sexual impotence, which crushed her emotionally as she felt unattractive

 

oh boo hoo for her. she cheats, whether emotionally or physically in other ways.....and SHE is "crushed"?

 

 

 

but still pisses me of that it went that far. Their relationship was mostly emotional and wife says he was offering her attention which I was not showing her lately.

 

in other words .....blaming it on you.

 

 

I had feelings of resetment and animosity toward her when I found out a year and half ago that she screwed up our entire financial situation. As a result I as working 20 hour days taking in as much overime as possible to pay off our debts as to not have to suffer for the next 5 years. Just wanted to pay everything off and have a clean slate. So yeah after working 20 hr days to pay for her mistake, somethings gonna give and I take responsibility for not balancing my family's emotional needs

 

but that is a position she burdened YOU with fixing. She screwed up financially some how, and someone has to take responsibility for it....not going to be her? then it has to be you.

 

so you work your ass off to correct her mistake, and she repays you by cheating.....nice....real nice.

 

 

 

Trust me when I say it was all I could do not to put a bullet through that guy's head.

 

if thoughts of a bullet through this OM's head went through yours, then what on earth would you think an equal thought about your wife would be?? Granted, you have every right to be pissed off at the azzhole, but it is your wife that directly betrayed you.

 

 

 

She still says she loves me, wants to be with me, and wants to work though this.

 

oh ya? there is only one way you would feel comfortable with working things out with a woman like this....and that is if she doesn't go out without you anymore.

 

 

Her actions for the past 6 months however speak louder than her words and I wonder what her true intentions are in being with me. I am at a complete loss at this point and just don't know if I can ever forgive her for what she has done to me emotionally. Is there any hope?

 

yes, there is hope.....hope of moving on with your life and lancing the boil that is your wife. there is hope of you finding someone who will truly love you.

 

 

 

I'm just looking for words of wisdom and advise for anyone who has been on this side of the coin. I feel she has taken everything from me financially and emotionally and know at some point I need to maintain some leve of self respect. I love my kids dearly and don't want to put them through a divorce, same feelings as my wife, but I do not want to risk getting hurt again.

 

 

I didn't want to put my kids through it either...but I wasn't the one that brought it down on them. In the end, my kids were fine and they now enjoy a much happier father.

 

 

Any advise on copping with this would be great, it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I spend everyday fixing other people's problems and saving them from desparity and now I feel like I can't help myself. I don't have an answer for this one. Thank you all for your time.

 

I would gather by your words that you really don't want to divorce.

 

If that is the case, then if you stay in this marriage, the only way you can trust her is when she is in your sight.

 

If she wants to work on this, then she no longer goes out partying, clubbing, drinking, or whatever the hell it is she did that allowed her to be away from you so she could get with other men.

 

She gives you access to ALL communications...phone, email, text, facebook...whatever.

 

And if she goes out for a night on the town after she has proven herself to be untrustworthy, then she should know that you will change the locks.

 

Thats the only way you could have any peace, because you know if you end up working on this and she decides she wants a girls night out(or whatever it is she SAYS she is doing)....you will be sitting at home with the kids with all sorts of scenarios running through your head about what she could be, and more than likely is, doing.

 

So question is, can you handle "policing" her and will she be fine with being policed? If not, you NEED to divorce her.

[SoulStorm]

oh boo hoo for her. she cheats, whether emotionally or physically in other ways.....and SHE is "crushed"?

 

 

 

 

 

in other words .....blaming it on you.

 

 

 

 

but that is a position she burdened YOU with fixing. She screwed up financially some how, and someone has to take responsibility for it....not going to be her? then it has to be you.

 

so you work your ass off to correct her mistake, and she repays you by cheating.....nice....real nice.

 

 

 

 

 

if thoughts of a bullet through this OM's head went through yours, then what on earth would you think an equal thought about your wife would be?? Granted, you have every right to be pissed off at the azzhole, but it is your wife that directly betrayed you.

 

 

 

 

 

oh ya? there is only one way you would feel comfortable with working things out with a woman like this....and that is if she doesn't go out without you anymore.

 

 

 

 

yes, there is hope.....hope of moving on with your life and lancing the boil that is your wife. there is hope of you finding someone who will truly love you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn't want to put my kids through it either...but I wasn't the one that brought it down on them. In the end, my kids were fine and they now enjoy a much happier father.

 

 

 

 

I would gather by your words that you really don't want to divorce.

 

If that is the case, then if you stay in this marriage, the only way you can trust her is when she is in your sight.

 

If she wants to work on this, then she no longer goes out partying, clubbing, drinking, or whatever the hell it is she did that allowed her to be away from you so she could get with other men.

 

She gives you access to ALL communications...phone, email, text, facebook...whatever.

 

And if she goes out for a night on the town after she has proven herself to be untrustworthy, then she should know that you will change the locks.

 

Thats the only way you could have any peace, because you know if you end up working on this and she decides she wants a girls night out(or whatever it is she SAYS she is doing)....you will be sitting at home with the kids with all sorts of scenarios running through your head about what she could be, and more than likely is, doing.

 

So question is, can you handle "policing" her and will she be fine with being policed? If not, you NEED to divorce her.

 

UH OH Dexter found the thread