letting go.. .I need your input

[minutebyminute]

When the OM/OW moves on and lets you know about it, how do you cope?

 

I still want him, he is the first thing I think about every day and the last thing before I fall asleep.

 

Comments necessary. Thanks

[dazzle22]

Sometimes in life, things happen to us that hurt us deeply, but in retrospect they were the best thing for us. That is always the case in such situations. What fuels such relationships is the thrill of the illicit. If you would end up with this person every day, that spark would fade.

 

It really is like an addiction. The high you get from a forbidden love is fueled by endorphins that light up a brain on a PET scan just like taking a hit of heroin...if you look at it this way, it is a hit of brain chemicals you are missing, perhaps you can get a different perspective on this. And I have had emotional affairs, (but not physical ones), so I know the feeling of which I speak..

 

I think the percentage of such relationships that work out is about 3%, so that tells you the odds...better now than later. Besides, everyone deserves to be someone's one and only. Not the "one on the side"...

[Virgo1982]

When the OM/OW moves on and lets you know about it, how do you cope?

 

I still want him, he is the first thing I think about every day and the last thing before I fall asleep.

 

Comments necessary. Thanks

 

Reality is the best medicine. People need to move forward with their lives if a relationship has run its course and neither party is willing to make a change. My xMM made several attempts to use emotional blackmale, which I found ridiculous. By the time I decided to leave, I began to see him in a different light. I do not think he is a terrible person, but he has a lot of growing to do. That's what I've been doing. He and his W should try it. My method was to keep busy and keep my distance. I still encounter reminders of him from time to time, but I do not see him in the same way anymore.

 

Assuming you are a MW, you should realize OM was doing what was best for you and now you are returning the favor. Being the OM was not enjoyable for him, I suppose. If you have no intentions of leaving your M, but participate in an affair, you must know that a person will leave the situation. It will hurt, but you must accept this and move on.

 

What are your exact emotions at this time? Toward your H? Toward your xOM?

[MizFit]

When the OM/OW moves on and lets you know about it, how do you cope?

 

I still want him, he is the first thing I think about every day and the last thing before I fall asleep.

 

Comments necessary. Thanks

 

 

It's really difficult and sometimes circumstances and plans you'd made can trigger huge setbacks.

 

My xMM got caught over 2 weeks ago...he'd been planning to surprise me by showing up to a party I was hosting last night. He's been in touch a couple of times and told me he'd made all the arrangements and was going to just show up at my door. Needless to say it made the night bittersweet. It was lovely, don't get me wrong...but knowing he was going to do something like that haunted me the whole evening and when I was alone after it was crushing.

 

He was supposed to be here early December for a few days and I know those days will be hard.

 

I still write messages to him on a facebook account we shared. He can choose to read them or not, but writing is a catharsis to me. He said to me shortly after DDay that he couldn't bear to read anything because he couldn't bear to see how much pain I was in. I called him selfish and have been sending him painful emails since. He has answered some...bit of a mixed blessing. I'm dying to know what's going on and how things are getting on, but he says nothing and he shouldn't. As it's gone on I seem to be sending fewer messages and not the same tone.

 

My biggest fear is that if he does come to a place in his marriage that he decides to move on I don't want him to forget what we had. As my friend says...he won't forget it any more than I will, so I know it's a rationalization to keeping some form of conact. It's changing though...most days I feel a bit stronger than the day before. I'm going out on a date with someone new next Thursday and someone I'd seen in the summer texted and we're doing dinner and a movie next weekend. My friends are superb support and I'm starting to heal. I think I'll always hold out some hope...it's what I did as his OW...he never promised me a thing, but in order to stay I had to look for hope anywhere. Here I am still doing it...oh well...I still wouldn't change it for a thing. I loved him more than anyone in my life and that won't change...

 

I wish you luck. Listen to everyone on here...it is soul destroying at times, but you will get through. You need to listen, but you need to find your own way...how one person is succesful may not be how you'll be successful, but if you pay attention you'll learn tricks and that you're not alone.

 

x

[jj33]

It takes time and filling your days with other things. In that way it is not unlike any other break up and its a cliche but its true. Time is the greatest healer.

 

Big hugs

[hopesndreams]

Give your H a hug. He's willing to work through this only because of his devastation. Once he sees you for what you are and still pining for the OM, then you will have no one. OM has already moved on, onto another victim that is, he's told you that. Believe him.

 

Work on your M and if you can't find it in you to do that after what you've done, file for D.

[hopeless4u]

I'm the OW with a MM and I've tried to move on many times, the sex is easy to walk away from it's the emotional stuff that hurts and it really hurts, deep in my heart. I have in the past let him know how much I'm hurting but I now know thats just to get him back, this time however, I'm not sharing the pain with MM. I don't know your details so can't compare, depends if you love him and he loves you but IMO it hurts and it always will. I find it hard to believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel at this stage but from what I've read and advice I've had from here things will get better.

[hopeless4u]

It's really difficult and sometimes circumstances and plans you'd made can trigger huge setbacks.

 

My xMM got caught over 2 weeks ago...he'd been planning to surprise me by showing up to a party I was hosting last night. He's been in touch a couple of times and told me he'd made all the arrangements and was going to just show up at my door. Needless to say it made the night bittersweet. It was lovely, don't get me wrong...but knowing he was going to do something like that haunted me the whole evening and when I was alone after it was crushing.

 

He was supposed to be here early December for a few days and I know those days will be hard.

 

I still write messages to him on a facebook account we shared. He can choose to read them or not, but writing is a catharsis to me. He said to me shortly after DDay that he couldn't bear to read anything because he couldn't bear to see how much pain I was in. I called him selfish and have been sending him painful emails since. He has answered some...bit of a mixed blessing. I'm dying to know what's going on and how things are getting on, but he says nothing and he shouldn't. As it's gone on I seem to be sending fewer messages and not the same tone.

 

My biggest fear is that if he does come to a place in his marriage that he decides to move on I don't want him to forget what we had. As my friend says...he won't forget it any more than I will, so I know it's a rationalization to keeping some form of conact. It's changing though...most days I feel a bit stronger than the day before. I'm going out on a date with someone new next Thursday and someone I'd seen in the summer texted and we're doing dinner and a movie next weekend. My friends are superb support and I'm starting to heal. I think I'll always hold out some hope...it's what I did as his OW...he never promised me a thing, but in order to stay I had to look for hope anywhere. Here I am still doing it...oh well...I still wouldn't change it for a thing. I loved him more than anyone in my life and that won't change...

 

I wish you luck. Listen to everyone on here...it is soul destroying at times, but you will get through. You need to listen, but you need to find your own way...how one person is succesful may not be how you'll be successful, but if you pay attention you'll learn tricks and that you're not alone.

 

x

 

 

This really hit home.....I know when the DIY on my home and a hospital visit my xMM is taking me to that the NC begins. I am so scared of the mess I will be in. At the moment ending the A isn't to bad as we have still seen each other every day due to circumstances so we've just exchanged PA for EA as everything is the same apart from I KNOW I'll never sleep with him again until he leaves hi W.

He knows that the only way for us to have any kind of R he has to sort his head out, I keep saying to him 'talk' to her. Tonight is prime example, not heard from him since 5.30pm and hope its because they are talking and sorting this mess out but 'THOSE' thoughts are there, maybe they are sorting things out.....in bed!!

This is why I need out! I can not keep torturing myself!

Anyway, think I went off on a rant, sorry:o

[MizFit]

This really hit home.....I know when the DIY on my home and a hospital visit my xMM is taking me to that the NC begins. I am so scared of the mess I will be in. At the moment ending the A isn't to bad as we have still seen each other every day due to circumstances so we've just exchanged PA for EA as everything is the same apart from I KNOW I'll never sleep with him again until he leaves hi W.

He knows that the only way for us to have any kind of R he has to sort his head out, I keep saying to him 'talk' to her. Tonight is prime example, not heard from him since 5.30pm and hope its because they are talking and sorting this mess out but 'THOSE' thoughts are there, maybe they are sorting things out.....in bed!!

This is why I need out! I can not keep torturing myself!

Anyway, think I went off on a rant, sorry:o

 

Rant away...it all helps. I told him for months he should go back to the marriage and fix it. In a strange way I always thought I'd control when it happened-breaking it off-but he got found out and poof all control was gone.

 

Through the A I always made mention that the time in my life I'd need him most (when we broke it off, for whatever reason) would be the time I'd need him most and he wouldn't be there. Guess what...that's just what's happened.

 

I've been lucky because he made no promises through the affair...he always told me often how he felt...he has had 2 opportunities to throw me under the bus and he hasn't. I had a tiny bit of closure and I feel very strongly that me venting my hurt and feelings where he may read it has been huge for me. I know it doesn't work for anyone, but it has for me. I'm slowly untangling my emotions and doing everything I can to get on with things. Everyone does it differently...I sign most of my letters off telling him I hope things are going horribly for him and he's miserable. He was selfish for months...my turn now. Again, I have no idea if he's reading them, but it's making me feel better to write them.

 

When you do it find your way to depend on someone else. On a family memeber, yourself, this forum...anyone. Maybe even him just by writing letters he won't get. He will be gone and the void will seem as big as the universe and you will lie at night and wonder all sorts of things...but know what? You will get through it and you will come out on the other end.

 

x

[dave g]

i wish i knew how to let go ,my girl left me for another guy ,it's killing me .

i think about her every day and nite , i miss her so much, the pain is unbearable , i'm 37 yrs , and cry sometimes like a child over her , i go crazy just thinking about that other man touching her in way that i used to , i keep askig god to bring her back to me. i wish i could let go but i just can't, it's to hard, it's been about 3 mts now that she left , and sometimes she would call and i would pretend to be strong but when she hangs up the pain just come back cuz i know she' still with him , i feel like i'm under the ocean and can't come up for air , i don't know what to. i ask god literally to guide her back to me , we use to have so much fun togehher , i never saw this coming , my heart can't take this pain , i wish i knew how to let go . i really really love her.

[lyadm]

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. There really are no words that can ease it and I am sorry to also tell you it may be that way for quite a while. I have tried for two years on again and off again and trying to make decisions that would make everyone else happy. It only left me feeling the same way as you do right now, trying to forget a man that I loved so deeply. But when the decision to move on is one that you didn't make, but the other persons I know being on the other end is painful. Be good to yourself and take all the time you need to grieve, afterall you have suffered a big loss and one that meant a lot to you. Try to take one day at a time. No one knows the future, there are many more things that lie ahead for you. Take care of yourself and give yourself the precious time to work your feelings out.

[MizFit]

i wish i knew how to let go ,my girl left me for another guy ,it's killing me .

i think about her every day and nite , i miss her so much, the pain is unbearable , i'm 37 yrs , and cry sometimes like a child over her , i go crazy just thinking about that other man touching her in way that i used to , i keep askig god to bring her back to me. i wish i could let go but i just can't, it's to hard, it's been about 3 mts now that she left , and sometimes she would call and i would pretend to be strong but when she hangs up the pain just come back cuz i know she' still with him , i feel like i'm under the ocean and can't come up for air , i don't know what to. i ask god literally to guide her back to me , we use to have so much fun togehher , i never saw this coming , my heart can't take this pain , i wish i knew how to let go . i really really love her.

 

It's been 3 months...you ARE doing it. Whether or not you believe you have the strength, you ARE doing it and you DO have the strength.

 

Let it hurt...you can't stop it. Just find your way of getting through it. Post here...talk to friends...clean your closets...do whatever works for you, but keep in mind you are doing it now. You may not feel successful because you still have the feelings, but it doesn't change the fact you're doing it and you're living.

 

Breathe...why is she calling you? What is she saying? Is she trying to bait you back in? Be strong...just figure out why she's calling and if it's no good for you (which it won't be) tell her to step off. You don't need her ringing just to keep you dangling on the line...making sure she keeps your emotions in turmoil in case she needs you.

 

I don't always believe in NC...I think sometimes LC is a bit easier, but there are some cases I'm behind it 100%...I think yours may be 1 of them.

[minutebyminute]

I just got thru the dave g hurt. I sobbed like someone died. I couldn't do anything, it hurt so bad. Its time that heals, or as my name says minute by minute. It's been about five months since I last saw him.

 

I confided in my mom, she gave me invisable hugs through the phone, she was the only one who cried with me, it helped so much. Is there anyone you know that loves you unconditionally that you can confide in? Take care of your mind my friend.

 

I wanted so badly to talk to my OM, he decided NO CONTACT, without us talking about it, if that is a guideline?, I terror texted him, drunk dialed when I was trying to have NC. I was going thru all of this alone, I thought I was a freak or something having all these feelings, until I found this site.

 

We stand together, each story different, but all heart broken. Listen to what these people are saying to you, some just don't answer where you are currently, some use shock therapy, others are too kind giving you outlets or maybes/what ifs, and then you have the right on, take it for what it's worth slap in the face answers, who knows which answer will be that for you, but when it is, it's - "like those invisable arms hugging you."

 

Keep posting, it helps! I am far from recovery, but sometimes just a little word here or there can keep you in control going forward, not backwards. Good luck! AND BIG HUG TO YOU!

Edited November 29, 2009 by minutebyminute