JaneInVegas Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I tried for several months to get the proof on my fiance, and finally did it. Concrete proof that I could literally shove under his nose and prove that he has been lying to me all along. I thought that doing so would give me some kind of consolation, a beginning to a resolution to our situation. But all I feel is empty, no peace, and stress beyond belief. I guess I don't regret getting my proof, and everything it took to get it. But I wish I hadn't looked so forward to feeling better about things, because this emptiness is a huge let down. We have agreed to re-sign a 6 month lease in our apartment, agreeing it's strictly for financial reasons. Neither of us can live alone right now because of ever lovin' money. I hate money! I just wish I could find some peace ...
Author JaneInVegas Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 Before you begin yelling at me, think about it. Is it really lack of money that's keeping you together? Yes, it's really the money. We're both unemployed thanks to this nasty recession, and between the two of us we're barely able to pay the bills, much less eat. I also have a 17 year old, and there is no way I can take care of her and myself on just $800 a month. All I can do is pray that by the time this new lease is up the job market will be better. I'm stuck with him.
jnj express Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 That is one very big excuse for not wanting to leave him. If he were not around you would have to cope. Can't you go home to your parents, or some other family, and maybe you need to move to a new area where the cost of living isn't so high and job prospects, any job, are better. Right now you are just giving out excuses for not taking your own responsibility. Things are tuff, but not that tuff, if you are forcing yourself to live under bad circumstances!!!!!
Author JaneInVegas Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 People who have options always expect everyone else to have options, too. I have no family, and none of my friends have any extra space for me and my daughter. I have $800 a month on unemployment, and that's about to run out in about 2 months or so. Then I will have $0 a month. I suppose I could pack up our stuff and go live in a homeless shelter, but would that be doing any justice to my daughter? Even as badly as Mike behaved the past few months, I don't feel the need to subject my daughter to that kind of an alternative. If the job market doesn't turn around soon, maybe we'll end up in the shelters with the homeless people after all.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Jane, think about it: you're teaching your daughter that it's better to struggle to live with a lying, cheating man than it is to venture out alone. That integrity is a fair exchange for shelter. Imagine that. You've traded your integrity for shelter. Have you looked OUTSIDE of vegas for work? I hear the job market in texas is still good. Your daughter is old enough to work at least part time. One $800 check will get you pretty far, bet it would get you to another state with a better economy and more available jobs, along with a couple of weeks in an extended-stay hotel, until you've secured a job and gotten a paycheck. There is always a way, sometimes, though, you just have to start walking in a direction to find it. Good luck. I vote you go find your future somewhere else and let lying-boy hit the vegas shelters.
Author JaneInVegas Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 I respect your opinion, but I am not teaching my daughter anything of the kind. I have not shared any of our problems with her, and she doesn't know about what Mike has done. I don't even have a dollar bill to my name. How am I going to get to another state? I'd have enough gas money to get somewhere else, and then live at the shelter until I could get a job. My daughter has never done anything to deserve that, to be forced to move away from her friends and her school. I only have a year left with her, and I'm going to make sure that last year is not going to be starving and/or in a shelter. My problems are my own, she doesn't need to suffer because of them.
michelangelo Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 People who have options always expect everyone else to have options, too. I tend to agree with you. Any chance of maybe advertising a room for rent? You know, kick him out and rent out a bedroom. While you also keep looking for work. Good luck!
threebyfate Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Jane, can your daughter get a part-time job to help supplement? At 17, she should be able to flip burgers, if necessary.
1Angel Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 JIV I am in the minority here but totally get what you are saying.
Author JaneInVegas Posted November 29, 2009 Author Posted November 29, 2009 Thanks, 1Angel. I take my responsibility as a mother pretty seriously, and I think my situation right now is just too tenuous to rock the boat too much. Anyone got a million bucks I can borrow?
bentnotbroken Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 I get it. I am a mother. I would stop breathing if it meant my kids were healthy, happy, stable and safe.
ADF Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 JaneInVegas, Maybe you can explain something I never understood. Why do people bend over backwards to get "proof" of something they are so sure about already? Getting proof usually involves egregious violations of the other person's privacy. It means snooping through emails, tracking phone calls, sometimes even following people around and spying on them. If the relationship has deteriorated to the point where one person needs to spy on the other, why not just confront the other person directly? If they fail to give a believable answer, dump them. I mean, how often are people with such deep suspicions proved wrong in the end? Not often.
bentnotbroken Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 ADF, your question has been hashed out in your thread. There are just some things that most people are never going to understand. You see it as a right to privacy, most of us see it as there is little or no privacy when one needs peace of mind within a relationship. I really do understand this is an issue for you, but let's leave the OP thread focused on her issue.
PhoenixRise Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Jane I get it. I have always said that BS should know about the affair so that they can have all the necessary info to make informed decisions about their lives. As long as your eyes are wide open, you should make whatever decisions you feel are in you and your child's best interest. Take the time to plan your way out of the relationship (if that is your end game) and do what you can now to make sure you can land on your feet when the time comes. There is no reason for you and your child to volunteer to be homeless.
Author JaneInVegas Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 If the relationship has deteriorated to the point where one person needs to spy on the other, why not just confront the other person directly? If they fail to give a believable answer, dump them. I mean, how often are people with such deep suspicions proved wrong in the end? Not often. Confront him? Gee, why didn't I think of that?? Well, here are examples of some of the responses I received: "You're so insecure I can't stand it!" "You lay awake at night making this **** up just to hound me to death with it, don't you?" "You are absolutely INSANE!" If nothing else, seeing the total look of dismay on his face when I shoved those phone records under his nose was worth it. I don't have to put up with all the frickin LIES anymore, and belittlement. And if you read any of the other posts on this thread, you'll see that I am not able to leave until I get a job anyway. At least I now have the Dignity of Truth on my side, which is more than what I had before. But I'm with the other poster on this one, this whole privacy issue has been hashed to death - either you get it or you don't. I'm not debating that issue on this thread.
Author JaneInVegas Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 I get it. I am a mother. I would stop breathing if it meant my kids were healthy, happy, stable and safe. This is exactly how I feel, too, and it's always such a relief to know there are other parents out there that get it.
ADF Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Confront him? Gee, why didn't I think of that?? Well, here are examples of some of the responses I received: "You're so insecure I can't stand it!" "You lay awake at night making this **** up just to hound me to death with it, don't you?" "You are absolutely INSANE!" If nothing else, seeing the total look of dismay on his face when I shoved those phone records under his nose was worth it. I don't have to put up with all the frickin LIES anymore, and belittlement. And if you read any of the other posts on this thread, you'll see that I am not able to leave until I get a job anyway. At least I now have the Dignity of Truth on my side, which is more than what I had before. But I'm with the other poster on this one, this whole privacy issue has been hashed to death - either you get it or you don't. I'm not debating that issue on this thread. Clearly, you and I have different definition of the word "confrontation." My definition is you ask him directly, and if he gives you any of the answers you outlined above, leave. Your definition seems to be ask him directly, and if he gives you a stupid/evasive/dishonest answer...stay with him anyway?
bentnotbroken Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Clearly, you and I have different definition of the word "confrontation." My definition is you ask him directly, and if he gives you any of the answers you outlined above, leave. Your definition seems to be ask him directly, and if he gives you a stupid/evasive/dishonest answer...stay with him anyway? She doesn't have a job and a child to support. She is looking for work. Sometimes the best thing to do, needs financial support for it to happen.
StarChick Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 This is exactly how I feel, too, and it's always such a relief to know there are other parents out there that get it. I'm with you, too, Jane. I have no idea where some of these posters' heads are, but I get that you have to do what you have to do sometimes to survive. I have no advice to give, but I offer you my best wishes and good luck in finding work and a solution to your situation. My family lost everything due to the recession earlier this year so, yeah, I can empathize. I wish you well!!
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Clearly, you and I have different definition of the word "confrontation." My definition is you ask him directly, and if he gives you any of the answers you outlined above, leave. Your definition seems to be ask him directly, and if he gives you a stupid/evasive/dishonest answer...stay with him anyway? ADF, have you read even ONE other word in any of these posts other than the fact I looked at his phone records???
Author JaneInVegas Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 Thank you Bent and Star ... I know I'll get through this!
mybrowneyedgirl Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Jane, I am sorry to hear this. I too know the struggle of trying to do whats best for the children, and I am an WS. I understand that i have spent some selfish moments in my life where i wasnt thinking of them, but now that reality has set in i understand. in my situation im trying to break away from xmm. but we work together. many posters tell me to just quit my job - by keeping it im trying to keep him. its not the truth, i cannot give up my means of providing for my children, regardless of the torture it puts me through. sometimes advice on here isnt as sound as it seems. youre doing whats best for you and for your daughter. yes, it might be harder emotionally on you but at the moment you dont have options. in a way im sorry that you found the proof. before you had your proof you still had a sense of trust and optimism about him. it would have been easier to stay in the apartment with those feelings. keep your chin up. your are doing whats best here. i know its hard, im sending prayers that tomorrow will be easier.
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