onewillburn Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Day 43 NC. The past few days have been pretty bad. I can't understand why I'm getting so down again. I was getting better, but now I'm feeling terrible. I did something stupid. I checked an old e-mail account and looked up all of our old e-mails. It almost made me feel like I was still there, still in love. The e-mails were so nice and happy. I can't believe I'm still so suscepitible to falling right back in to that kind of thing. I feel like the first few months of the break up were the easiest for me. I don't know why it's been so hard lately. I've been having a lot of urges to break NC. I either want to write an e-mail or have even considered shooting a short text like "ugh, why did you have to leave me?". I know it's not wise, and I probably won't do it, but I can't stand this sometimes. I was getting stronger, but this past week has been awful. Usually it's easier because she would call me or something, which would boost my confidence a little when I ignored it, but she hasn't called at all within the 43 days. To be fair, I did tell her never to call me unless she wanted to reconcile, but it still hurts that she's so firm in her decision that she hasn't called. Look, I feel like I'm coming to my wit's end with this thing. I'm trying a lot of things and will continue to do them and will look for more things to keep busy. But I feel so low. I was a very confident man, but I feel worthless now. Why have I let this relationship define my worth? I've gone out, I've met other girls. It just isn't the same for some reason. I don't have that connection or that investment. And I just feel robbed. I feel like I gave her so much of myself. Showed her music, movies, taught her how to play guitar. Evidently, she still loves all of these things and goes to the shows at the places I introduced her to, plays songs that I helped her write. This situation is so maddening sometimes. More and more, I wake up and say "is this real? how did this happen?". Nightmare world. It feels like I'm in a nightmare world.
soheartbroken Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Right with you onewill. Sorry you're feeling this way.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I know the nightmare world feeling, I've felt like that for 4 months, not sure when I will wake up. Maybe you feel worse because you are letting go of hope of her getting in touch? And remember grief isn't a straight line, I had 2 weeks (2 weeks ago) where I actually felt ok and thought yeah I can handle this, then I came crashing down again. Lots of mountains to climb, but hopefully each one won't be so high to climb and not so far to fall. Hang in there, you're doing great
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