Hopeless thoughts (caution: downer post)

[soheartbroken]

Been 4.5 months now and today is a particularly bad day. I mean, I've been sad every day since she left me, but today the hopeless thoughts are really getting to me.

 

Part of the problem is also that I uprooted my life following the split. I left law school (couldn't concentrate, did not have an enjoyable first year anyway) and moved home. So I'm mid-twenties and living at home, and am working at a coffee shop. I don't know where I want to go with my life, whether it be back to school or something.

 

I'm not spiritual so I can't find meaning in any of this. I don't honestly know what the point in being alive is. Every day is a struggle. Meanwhile, she's likely doing great. When she left she had just started her career and was making new friends. We haven't had contact for months (her decision), and it hurts like hell that she doesn't want to speak with me. We were together for 5 years and I haven't heard a word from her. The split wasn't even bad (didn't end in a blow-up or anything). I don't know what I did to deserve this; I made a lot of mistakes but I always showed her that I loved her. I wasn't emotionally distant or neglectful. She was everything to me.

 

Anyway, I just keep plodding along. I think I should try some volunteering soon, but everything seems pointless.

 

I hope the hopeless thoughts will go away eventually. If I've totally fallen apart because of this, what will I do when my parents die, or when I face my own mortality? All I can see in life is more pain and suffering for myself.

 

I've been doing lots of therapy, but clearly it hasn't stopped my hopeless thinking.

 

OK. Just needed to write this down. Thank you to anyone who listened.

[AliveAndKicking]

It must be the post-holiday blues or something because I crashed and burned today as well. Ugh.

 

I can't think of any reason other than the "holiday thing" so I'm attributing it to that...

 

It'll pass. This is NOT the norm.

 

Somewhere, somehow, there HAS to be reasons for all of this. I struggle with my faith in this regard frequently so I just keep falling back on blind faith and trust that it is all gonna be okay someday.

 

Hang in there- you're going great. One bad day does not a life make, right?

 

Right!

[hopesndreams]

I listened soheartbroken. Be thankful she wants no contact. That, in itself, is a gift. Keep plodding on, you will eventually get there, of that I have no doubt.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks AAK. I'm in Canada though, so there was no holiday here.

 

I've been dreaming about her a lot too, which is probably contributing to this. I want to call in sick for work tonight because I'm that out of it.

 

It's hard to brush it off as just a bad day, 'cause all my days have sadness in them. This one is just worse than others because of my thinking. I don't often start threads on here, but I felt compelled to write this out.

 

I hope other people who have been depressed like this have come out of it.

[soheartbroken]

Thanks H&D. I appreciate the support. Thank you for having hope for me when I don't have it for myself at the moment.

 

Should I be thankful that she wants No Contact? I dont' know, it gives her all the power, makes the rejection that much worse.

[USMCHokie]

We've all gone through it...and we've all had our ups and downs...but we're all still here, aren't we? The pain does eventually go away, rest assured...but sometimes it has to get worse before it gets better...don't give up and don't let it negatively affect your life...

[soheartbroken]

Well, I haven't given up yet USM. It's hard though.

 

I think I've had some pretty deep thoughts all my life, but she made it all better somehow. Also, being heartbroken AND having hopeless thoughts is a killer combination.

[hopesndreams]

Even if they stay in contact, you are still being rejected. At least this way, no contact from her side, and from yours, you can move on without her being in your inbox, your phone, etc. It does make it easier, you just don't know that because you are thinking those that hear from those that get dumped is better than nothing. I am living proof that it isn't.

[soheartbroken]

I guess I had some crazy idea that since we are two otherwise good people, that we could remain a part of eachother's lives.

 

But you're right, H&D, it would still be rejection.

[USMCHokie]

I guess I had some crazy idea that since we are two otherwise good people, that we could remain a part of eachother's lives.

 

 

I had this idea for the first couple months after the breakup...that we could still be in each other's lives...I think we both wanted it...but I soon realized that it doesn't work this way...and to lose someone that meant so much to me, I may never completely get over it...but I may feel different as more time passes...you never know...I just go with the flow and try my best to live in the present...

 

I've been NC with her for over 2 months now...I still think about her a lot...but at least I've gotten over those urges to contact her and plead my case...I've reached the point where I can keep my emotions contained...but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt...

[mickleb]

So I'm mid-twenties and living at home, and am working at a coffee shop. I don't know where I want to go with my life, whether it be back to school or something.

 

I don't know what I did to deserve this; I made a lot of mistakes but I always showed her that I loved her.

 

I think I should try some volunteering soon, but everything seems pointless.

 

I hope the hopeless thoughts will go away eventually. If I've totally fallen apart because of this, what will I do when my parents die, or when I face my own mortality? All I can see in life is more pain and suffering for myself.

 

I've been doing lots of therapy, but clearly it hasn't stopped my hopeless thinking.

 

Hey shb.

 

So sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. I think you have SO much to offer others and the world so, for me, it's difficult to understand that you are unaware of this. Except, I guess, if I think back to when I was about your age, having left a glitzy job working for a well-known publishing house, in order to work in a video shop, for no other reason than that I had no idea who I was.

 

I'd broken up with someone and hadn't, really, dealt with a more serious break-up that had happened three years, prior to that. I was depressed (quite seriously) and didn't even recognise that I was. I guess it seems like a long time ago, now. About 10 years.

 

If you care at all about law, you should definitely consider going back to school. Perhaps it's because you didn't care enough about it, or the exact course that you were doing, that you dropped out? (It was probably for a reason other than her alone.) Perhaps volunteering for a charity advice service, or something will be more fulfilling? Volunteering is a great way of getting a feeling for what you're about. So, I'd definitely recommend it.

 

When we're depressed, we don't see the joy around us, or before us. We can't. It's indescribable; the weight of every hour, the tedium of treading water.

 

There's no way we can hear when people tell us it's a temporary state, that it is cureable (or, at the very least, manageable).

 

If we could understand this, we would begin to lift. We could get out of bed, one morning and yawn and stretch our arms out and have hope that today might, *might* just be better. There *might* just be a glimmer of light that falls before our step as we trudge on to our day-job, to smile both blankly and falsely at the ars*hole giving us sh*t about the quite adequate service we just provided for them, for minimum wage. A glimmer that helps us to smile past them, to something worth the effort, something truly genuine, something that is ours.

 

So, it's kind-of understandable that you should think only of the further grief to come, the grief we all face in some form or another. Why set yourself up for further disappointment by imagining anything brighter than that? It's already too painful to bear. Why would you allow yourself to hold onto anything else could be taken away?

 

When you say 'lots' of therapy. How much is lots? How long have you taken anti-depressants for? How much time, during your whole life, have you felt like this?

 

I only recognised my depression about three years later, after spending a lot of money re-training and finding myself in an even worse job. Five years of therapy later, several misguided and some fairly successful decisions later, I found myself at rock bottom again. One final, back-breaking push to try again and one more year of therapy saw me happier than I had ever been. Finally strong. Through enough sh*t to know I would always find a way.

 

And I always have, since. And now, cliche-ridden, I will tell you I wouldn't change one day of the desolation and that I have, truly, never been happier. Even during the happiest times with [him]. I have never been more sure of my ability to bounce back and laugh as a I travel down this screw-shaped tunnel we all find ourselves in.

 

So, I can tell you nothing, really. Except that you did absolutely nothing to desrve to feel like this. I'm certain of that.

 

x

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw honey, you're one of the loveliest, most supportive people here and I feel so so sad for you.

I would feel terrible if my ex wanted no contact, but I don't know I'm lucky he wants contact, maybe it just keeps me from moving on if there's no hope for us. I like to think we can be part of each other's lives though no matter what happens. I am lucky I have the choice whether to see him or not, I'm so sorry you don't have that.

I still feel rejected though.

I dream a lot about him too, either sad dreams or bad dreams, so it feels like there's no escape sometimes.

With my hopeless thoughts sometimes I have to force myself to think about something else or to keep busy or chat to a friend online if there's no about IRL to talk to. I'm trying to learn that I have control over my thoughts, although it doesn't seem like it sometimes:laugh: I don't want to push the negativity/grief away all the time, it would be impossible anyway, we've got to go through a certain amount of this c*** before we come out the other side.

Have you got a therapist to talk to? I'm finding the relationship therapist I see helpful, but can't afford to see her weekly.

Hang in there sweetie, we're both going to get through this, ok?

 

 

 

>Should I be thankful that she wants No Contact? I dont' know, it gives her all the power, makes the rejection that much worse.<

 

 

 

Thanks AAK. I'm in Canada though, so there was no holiday here.

 

I've been dreaming about her a lot too, which is probably contributing to this. I want to call in sick for work tonight because I'm that out of it.

 

It's hard to brush it off as just a bad day, 'cause all my days have sadness in them. This one is just worse than others because of my thinking. I don't often start threads on here, but I felt compelled to write this out.

 

I hope other people who have been depressed like this have come out of it.

[soheartbroken]

Thank you everyone for your thoughts today. I only left the forum to go to work. I try not to post these hugely depressing threads too often, but I really needed some support today.

 

MickleB: Thank you for your long post. By "lots of therapy", I mean twice a week with my regular therapist, and once a week for free through a hospital (I'm a "volunteer" patient for new doctors. That gig ends soon). So it's been 3 sessions a week for awhile now. Every dime I make goes to therapy. I stay financially afloat because I live at home.

 

I'm not on anti-depressants. It's a choice that I've made for the time being. If I had to be totally functional I might very well go on them, but I decided to take the time off school in order to allow myself the time I need to go through this. I want to fully go through what I need to go through. I have a past that I have to come to terms with, and the pain is my motivation to get to the bottom of things I guess. I just hope I come out on top. My situation is such that I have managed to tolerate these thoughts without becoming suicidal, though I can't go on like this forever.

 

I've always been a bit pessimistic, but never depressed like this, so it's definitely the break-up triggering this.

 

If I was still with my ex I would have stuck-out law school, though I had become SERIOUSLY disillusioned with it by the end of first-year (my negativity probably contributed to the downfall of the relationship). Yet, I'm still thinking of going back for the two years it would take to get my degree. Sadly, one of my main motivations is just to put the great grades that I got to use. I've spent my whole life excelling academically, and to stop with an undergraduate degree would make everything seem pointless.

 

Also, the freedom that a little extra money can provide is a big motivation to continue with the degree. But I know that money shouldn't dictate what I do...I'm so f*cking confused with my life. I just want my ex back, and this would all go away, and everything would be okay. We could live in a trailer in the middle of nowhere and I wouldn't f*cking care. She was everything to me.

[McGrupp]

i will reitarate a story told to me by my cousin when i saw him when i recently broke up with my girl and i had the "what the **** shoud i do convo with him"

 

here goes.

 

in college he ****ing loved a girl. like loved her so much from his hometown. he wanted to go to community college to be with and near her. got dumped. did all the pleading going to the parents house. crying in front of her. he was a freshman in college at the time.

 

left for a semester.

 

lost a lot of weight. went back. busted his ass at school. transferred. went to a better school. went to law school. went to a better law school. met his wife, also a lawyer. got married. had a huge wedding. got a great lawyer job.

 

one day in his office he gets an email.

 

its the ex from 7 years ago. she says she is getting married. she ask him if he wants to get a drink. he says no.

 

he walks out of his office and feel like 1 million dollars. for 2 reasons that he told me:

 

1) he didnt care at all that she wanted to see him.

2) he won. and its all about winning.

 

 

Story #2:

 

also told to me whilst im looking for answer (funny thing is you never realize you loved ones are going through this much **** when they are)

 

my best friend. he is arab. going to college in the city. they are both arab. her family doesnt like him (important in the culture). one day he gets a call. she dumps him for a dr. (plastic surgeon 5+years above us).

 

he fails out of school. moves home. see's a pychiatrist. starts doing a lot of coke. goes on anti=depressents.

 

does this for about 1.5 years. goes back to community college. transfers to better state school. gets into law school. gets into a better law school. and now is kicking ass at one of the best law school in the country. oh and btw she called him last year after her arranged marriage didnt quite work out.

 

so as my cousin said, and he told me 2 things. that LS will prolly knock down.

 

1) bitter = better

2) leave as the boyfriend, return as the boyfriend.

 

now these stories arent even stretches. you can put these right to use. and im not lying on either. and IF you ever need a lawyer hook up in NYC, well i know a couple that both used their breakups (although it wasnt for years later) to kick some ass.

 

so do it. but, no rush

[soheartbroken]

Thank you McGupp. Your post means a lot to me. I'm also chuckling a bit because, judging from the other thread you started tonight, you might be a bit wasted, yet you still put all the effort and energy into that post.

 

P.S. Anger can be a good motivator for awhile.

[McGrupp]

you are welcome.

 

this is a weird place. you hurt, but when you can help others...well it feels good.

[soheartbroken]

Ya man. Just imagine years from now when we're all past this (so help us god!), and you'll be thinking about this crazy LS world that you literally lived in for months on end.

Soon we're gonna be dreaming about LS...