mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 This question is for both WS and the BS. how long did you wait after d-day to resume sex with your spouse? Was it good/bad, emotional? And then once you did was it more or less than before?
Gabriele Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 For me, might be different than most...as my H affairs were years before D-day, and things leading up to d-day had been great in our marriage. so as for the question It was about a month before we has sex again. about 2 weeks before I really wanted any physical contact. the fist time was good, i cried after. Sex since then has been better than before......I think because he does not have this secret which has held him back emotionally....at least that's my take. Now, i just had some trickle truths come about.....3months after d-day, so it takes me back to not wanting to be connected in that physical way. don't know how long it will last this time, I guess it will depend on how my H works to bring me emotionally close to him again (from a woman's perspective) I can't imagine finding out right in the midst......My stomach aches for those of you who have to feel that. Gabriele
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I am 2 years out since her affair. Actually, I don't remember....but it was probably a few months. After that, we hystericaly bonded for a few months. The sex was very physical, robust, frequent. From my side, it was anger sex.... At that point, I was not even triggering so much. After a while, as the sex became more intimate, the triggers started flaring up....so I stopped. She continued giving me oral for quite a while. After a while, that dynamic wears out. At this point, we have had sex twice in the last 6 months. The thought of having sex with her now turns me off more than the first 6 months after I found out. I think I was in shock. I can't stop think about her Vagina being contaminated. I could not imagine putting my mouth there. Sorry for the details, but the question warrented it.
hopeless4u Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 When I was a BS, my H cheated with a much younger woman, we had spent most of the night they were caught with her shoving herself in my face! I stayed with H and tried to get over it and the sex was the best we'd ever had but I think that was me trying to prove I was better than her. It was probably about a month or so after D Day that I finally let him get close but once I had it was mental, I'd ring him at lunchtimes and we'd both come home from work just for sex. Lasted a couple of months until I realised it wasn't helping, I even thought of having another child!!
an hero Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 What is a BS and WS? Sorry this thread really interests me so I'd like no know the terminology.
moaningmyrtle Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 This question is for both WS and the BS. how long did you wait after d-day to resume sex with your spouse? Was it good/bad, emotional? And then once you did was it more or less than before? We had a mini d-day first when I realised my H had been seeking out other women. He promised (ha) that he had been physically faithful and the "hysterical bonding" started the day after. I have no real explanation for my behaviour other than that I realised how close I might have come to losing him. Four days later was the true d-day when I found out literally everything. Of course I then realised that I had already lost him (an A lasting many years). He said he would end it with the OW but wanted me to commit to staying with him. I did this in total shock although a part of me was still saying to myself "he can't possibly expect me to be bound by this" (he didn't as it turned out). The active sex life had already been going for 5 days and just continued on as if nothing had happened - of course it was prompted by what had happened. Now more than a year later the active sex life continues. For a while we were averaging about 6 times a week! I'm in my early 50s and menopausal. It has dropped to about 5 times a week now. Yes the sex has been just wonderful for both of us. Better than when we first got together more than 20 years ago. This is partly because of the emotional crisis we have experienced and also because we are both older, more secure in ourselves and since d-day both more willing to be open about our sexual needs/wants. There's also an emotional element that is there since d-day that wasn't there before. I can't really explain the whys of this just that it has happened and so far appears to be something that's staying - it makes me happy. How is it for everyone else; as BEG has asked?
BUENG1 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 What is a BS and WS? Sorry this thread really interests me so I'd like no know the terminology. Betrayed spouse and Wayward(adulterous) spouse
smarterthanbefore Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 (edited) Me and my ex were not married, but we had been together many years. When our d-day came, i never wanted him to touch me again. I could not get past the sex he had with the ow. He claimed it was not good sex with her, and it was more for the attetion he got from her that made him weak, but all that fell on deaf ears. I know alot of people say it's the lying and the deciet that hurts the most, as well as the connection the WS had with the affair partner, but for me, it was the sex that was hard to get past as well. He was not emotionally attached to her at all, i have proof of this. I saw many e-mails where his ow asked him if he cared about her or loved her, and he stated that he did not, that he thought she was sweet, and really like her company, but he did not love her that way. But who cares, he gave his body, which was promised to only me to another woman. He took the chance of giving me and himself some horrible STD and possibly getting this chick pregnant. He claimed he used protection, but can you really trust what a lying cheater say. I just assumed he lied and no protection was used, got an STD test, and left. I could never understand how a person can have sex with their WS after they cheat. The images in my brain and the disgust I felt for him was to intense. He actually swapped bodily fluids with another person and came home and still had sex with me. Could not get past it. After d-day, we never had sex again. We broke up instead. Edited November 28, 2009 by smarterthanbefore
eeyore1981 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 My H and I had not had very good or very frequent sex for a long, long time. It was because of some things he did, which, surprise, surprise, he refused to acknowledge, much less fix. I tried for many years to overcome this, as I did not want it to be like this, but just like the A, it wasn't something I could fix on my own. When he decided he wanted a divorce, I started having sex with him, because I had been so lonely for so long, and didn't want to jump on the first thing that came along after we separated. At this point, we were sleeping in separate rooms. I found out about the affair a few days after this, and didn't want him to touch me at first. Then I decided nothing had really changed, so I planned to continue to have sex with him for the next 2 weeks until he moved out. When he told me he wanted to work things out (and how I wished I had understood back then what he thought working things out meant) I agreed, and asked him to move back into our bedroom. I don't consider what happened between us 'hysterical bonding', because had I found out about the A before I made a massive effort to put the past behind me and be intimate with him again, it would have never happened. As it is, we have a lot of sex, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, but I am still holding myself back because of all his lies, and I am not happy about how things stand. I'll probably step out and have some great sex with some other guy for a while, to put this all behind me. It would be nice if he would man up and deal with his crap and his affair, but I have given up on that, and I've run out of options on how to get past this. I know I could get a divorce, but I don't want to. So all you married people out there thinking you are so effing smart running around and cheating on your spouse, maybe you ought to think about how it would feel to have it done right back at you. Cheating is not rocket science, and if you can do it, so can your husband/wife.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 My H and I had not had very good or very frequent sex for a long, long time. It was because of some things he did, which, surprise, surprise, he refused to acknowledge, much less fix. I tried for many years to overcome this, as I did not want it to be like this, but just like the A, it wasn't something I could fix on my own. When he decided he wanted a divorce, I started having sex with him, because I had been so lonely for so long, and didn't want to jump on the first thing that came along after we separated. At this point, we were sleeping in separate rooms. I found out about the affair a few days after this, and didn't want him to touch me at first. Then I decided nothing had really changed, so I planned to continue to have sex with him for the next 2 weeks until he moved out. When he told me he wanted to work things out (and how I wished I had understood back then what he thought working things out meant) I agreed, and asked him to move back into our bedroom. I don't consider what happened between us 'hysterical bonding', because had I found out about the A before I made a massive effort to put the past behind me and be intimate with him again, it would have never happened. As it is, we have a lot of sex, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, but I am still holding myself back because of all his lies, and I am not happy about how things stand. I'll probably step out and have some great sex with some other guy for a while, to put this all behind me. It would be nice if he would man up and deal with his crap and his affair, but I have given up on that, and I've run out of options on how to get past this. I know I could get a divorce, but I don't want to. So all you married people out there thinking you are so effing smart running around and cheating on your spouse, maybe you ought to think about how it would feel to have it done right back at you. Cheating is not rocket science, and if you can do it, so can your husband/wife. You go from bad and infrequent sex to him wanting a divorce, so you start having sex, even though you sleep in separate rooms and he is about to move..... You then figure you may as well have sex for the two weeks prior to his move and he decides he doesn't want a divorce and you start having sex like bunnies (3-4X's a day), even though as always all the problems even before the affair (which I still don't know when you found out about it).... How does anyone go from a crawl to a sprint?????
eeyore1981 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 You go from bad and infrequent sex to him wanting a divorce, so you start having sex, even though you sleep in separate rooms and he is about to move..... You then figure you may as well have sex for the two weeks prior to his move and he decides he doesn't want a divorce and you start having sex like bunnies (3-4X's a day), even though as always all the problems even before the affair (which I still don't know when you found out about it).... How does anyone go from a crawl to a sprint????? Don't go looking for your answers in my situation, they have nothing in common.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Don't go looking for your answers in my situation, they have nothing in common. Hope however you find them for yourself and are happy..... I just am perplexed and taken aback by how people react....
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 This question is for both WS and the BS. how long did you wait after d-day to resume sex with your spouse? Was it good/bad, emotional? And then once you did was it more or less than before? it was about 3 or 4 days after D-day. I feel it was hysterical bonding on my part. I thought I had something to prove I suppose(even though I had always wanted sex in the marriage, just didn't get it). It was bad. Instead of having sex with a wife whom I thought loved me...I treated her in bed like she was..a tramp. After the short few days of hysterical bonding, me feeling desperate about how my kids lives would be turned upside down if I decided to divorce, and how my life would suck if I decided to stay....I realized, I didn't want a tramp. So i divorced. So the sex after d-day just helped solidify why I needed to get rid of her.
seibert253 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 About 2 weeks after d day. HB lasted for 3 to 4 weeks. Two, three times a day. That was nice. Sex has been fairly regularly since, 2 or 3 times a week. Before A, maybe twice a month. Went one 4 month stint with nothing.
FreezorBurn Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 About 2 weeks after d day. HB lasted for 3 to 4 weeks. Two, three times a day. That was nice. Sex has been fairly regularly since, 2 or 3 times a week. Before A, maybe twice a month. Went one 4 month stint with nothing. Almost exactly the same for me. We are still trying to rebuild our marraige... I just wish I was capable of TRUST and FORGIVENESS not for her but for my own happiness.
ladydesigner Posted December 4, 2009 Posted December 4, 2009 (edited) Originally Posted by eeyore1981 My H and I had not had very good or very frequent sex for a long, long time. It was because of some things he did, which, surprise, surprise, he refused to acknowledge, much less fix. I tried for many years to overcome this, as I did not want it to be like this, but just like the A, it wasn't something I could fix on my own. When he decided he wanted a divorce, I started having sex with him, because I had been so lonely for so long, and didn't want to jump on the first thing that came along after we separated. At this point, we were sleeping in separate rooms. I found out about the affair a few days after this, and didn't want him to touch me at first. Then I decided nothing had really changed, so I planned to continue to have sex with him for the next 2 weeks until he moved out. When he told me he wanted to work things out (and how I wished I had understood back then what he thought working things out meant) I agreed, and asked him to move back into our bedroom. I don't consider what happened between us 'hysterical bonding', because had I found out about the A before I made a massive effort to put the past behind me and be intimate with him again, it would have never happened. As it is, we have a lot of sex, sometimes 3 or 4 times a day, but I am still holding myself back because of all his lies, and I am not happy about how things stand. I'll probably step out and have some great sex with some other guy for a while, to put this all behind me. It would be nice if he would man up and deal with his crap and his affair, but I have given up on that, and I've run out of options on how to get past this. I know I could get a divorce, but I don't want to. So all you married people out there thinking you are so effing smart running around and cheating on your spouse, maybe you ought to think about how it would feel to have it done right back at you. Cheating is not rocket science, and if you can do it, so can your husband/wife. Sorry I know this isn't the right answer, but I did just this and ended up falling in love with the XOM and him breaking my heart. I still do not regret it. It was the best revenge I have ever had since my H cheated. At least I feel we're even now and can move forward with repairing our marriage. I probably should just get a divorce since he is a serial cheater. Who knows maybe I will. Edited December 4, 2009 by ladydesigner
eeyore1981 Posted December 5, 2009 Posted December 5, 2009 Sorry I know this isn't the right answer, but I did just this and ended up falling in love with the XOM and him breaking my heart. I still do not regret it. It was the best revenge I have ever had since my H cheated. At least I feel we're even now and can move forward with repairing our marriage. I probably should just get a divorce since he is a serial cheater. Who knows maybe I will. Thanks for the response. I know it is not the right thing to do, but I am exhausted by this whole ordeal, and I have to do something. I need to feel some balance in this marriage.
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