sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Hi all, im usally not a fan of putting my info out there on-line like this but, i have no choice, im trying to save my marriage. And need some help. I love this girl, as of 2 weeksago she has turned into someone i dont know we had a little fight and now she acts like she cant recover, and dont even want to try....why...i have no idea...she tells me she dont need me and has always been this way. Independent and verry successful. Wich is fine. I also work and am successfull as well but not the bread winner in the house. We have 1 Kid thats our just about 2 years old and she's as happy as she can be andanother thats hers from a previous relationship thats about 6yrs. Anyway she tells me that i can stay as long as i need to untill i find a way out...ouch....im thinking are you serious ? Guys/Gals this is a shock to me i never saw this happening,everyting was fine..ive asked and i dont belive its someoneelse, her job has become more demanding and all the sudden she pulls a im independent and if it were between you or my job, my job comes first".. so im devestated, im willing to do just about anything to figure this out but no one is talking, not even here friends...they dont even understand whats happening she wont talk. what do i do?
JackJack Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 You all have been married for 2 months and she is now willing to call it quits over a fight? So how did she act before you all got married, how did she handle things like fights etc?
Author sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 she, wasnt verry good with fights, she's over emotional and usally starts tearing up then locks down and you wont get nothing from her. Before we were great un-seperable..so thats why im lost here now when i ask her "what would you do to save this relationship"? she say's "i dont think we can make it.... wow right
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Why didn't you get married two years ago when you had a child together?
Author sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 last time something like this happened i almost left and found out she was pregnate...so i asked her if that was the cas she said no. Everyone says leagaly i have to stay in the house and shouldnt leave although she would be better off, im just not leaving my daugter...it suks to be watching T.V with the girl you love and looking her in the eyes and nowing theres something wrong and she dont know how to say it without using a knife to my heart.
Author sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 Why didn't you get married two years ago when you had a child together? we were making sure its what we wanted, i didn want to get married because of a kid...i only planed on doing this once...everyone around us was getting married at the same time...all my friends litterly one month after another. of course she felt left out but i was going to anyway just wanted us to get some time in on our own.
JackJack Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I understand you don't want to leave for your daughter, BUT I believe two people can be civil and have a decent relationship for the sake of their child and still not be together in that relationship if, its just not working, or the one doesn't want to be in the relationship etc. Right now it doesn't sound very healthy.
Author sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 see im just lost here if she wants me out how do i do it....she's the girl i fell in love with but if i got to get over her i got to do it no matter how bad it hurts. We have a house and lots of stuff!!! our names are both on the house. But i couldnt afford it alone so i guess she needs to buy me out. Then can i get a appartment or another house since being attached to a mortgage before?
JackJack Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Sit her down and you both really talk this out. She owes you a good explaination for why she wants you out or doesn't want to work on things with you. Something doesn't sound quite right to me. After you both have talked if she still doesn't want to work on things and wants you out, you need to contact a lawyer.
sally4sara Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 What was the fight about? What is the thing she doesn't think she can get past? What things when you argue cause her to be upset enough to cry and shut down? Before everyone starts assessing her mental health, we might want to clearly define what kicked this off.......
PandorasBox Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 "She's over emotional and usually starts tearing up then locks down and you wont get nothing from her." So this is how she normally reacts to things even before you all were married? Doesn't sound like you'll get anywhere with her being like this. First thing is to figure out why or what causes her to react like this begin with.
Author sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 ok i know this is verry vague but hard to do this and have all the info without writting a book. I belive the fight first started about 2 weeks ago a letter had came to the house that was written in girls handwritting adressed to only me with no return address. Inside there was newspaper clipping of a dealership thats down the road from my house, along with a yellow sticky that said " im going are you" written in the same handwritting but no idea who it came from . I told her that ive never seen it before but since i work in the car dealership business i said this looks like one of those sales gimmics...she didnt belive me. I called the dealer and got a confirm that this was in fact something that they send out about 500 letters a month and get verry good reviews...I had told them to take me off there list and they are ruining my relationship ...now she dont trust me. anyway so she said she's done with that but durring that fight i had brough up everything that was bothering me about her job...that i belive its going to only get worse and at what point do you decide that you have a family and thats more important than the job. I guess the issue is she has an opertunity to continue to better her job but it means more time away and less time with me and our daugter. and see i dont need a ton of attention or anything i just feel like things have changed, we went from all over each other to just plain weird. so she belives she cant recover from this arguing (spelling) were doing. and she dont think were going to make it.
PandorasBox Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I have gotten those things in the mail before too, and yes they are a sales gimmick. You stated she was like this with things before you all got married. What were some things that set her off and caused her to shut down, back before you were married? Was she like this before she ever had kids etc?
Author sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 lots of things...too many to list she's just an emotional kind of girl and i loved her for it didnt bother me i just had to over the years learn to watch how blunt i am about things.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 at what point do you decide that you have a family and thats more important than the job. Sadly, it's usually after the family has been lost. Sorry. Some people do have their priorities backwards on this; they believe that the family will suffer if they DON'T put everything into their job, but they're blind to the way the family is already suffering from the job. What is it specifically that bothers you about the job? Since you're making less, she may be discounting your complaints as jealousy, so be careful to not make a complaint about the WHOLE job, but the parts that really bother you. For some folks, it's usually stuff like OT, erratic schedule, canceling of plans due to 'work emergencies', overnight trips--those things can all be handled rationally. Stop arguing about it and ask for what you want.
Author sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 ok so if i do have to end this cuz as i pry more she will just hate me for it. She dont want to talk about it anymore..do i accept things and not try anymore. but how do i handle dealing with someone thats just done with me and i have to live their are we going to be like roommates.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I gotta say, too, she's probably hauling around a big old bag of resentment over you not marrying her when she was pregnant with your child and wanting to marry you. Stop justifying your decision there and apologize for hurting her already!
PandorasBox Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 lots of things...too many to list she's just an emotional kind of girl and i loved her for it didnt bother me i just had to over the years learn to watch how blunt i am about things. You keep adding things. Now its how blunt you are. I'm not saying you need to or should sugar coat things for her, but by blunt that could mean anything from what you say to how you say it. You have no control over how she might react, but you have control over how you go about saying things. And no you don't need to feel you have to walk on eggshells because you might not know how she is gonna react. Honestly, I'm not real sure how much you know about her, other than she is overly emotional. If she doesn't want to work on things, not sure what else you can do. It's one thing to get emotional because someone has said something to hurt your feelings but another if she gets this way ALL the time with ALL things said to her. Does she get overly emotional with just you or when other people say things to her as well?
Devil Inside Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Sierra have you taken responsibility for your part in this yet? I hear you saying a lot of the things that she has done, but not much on your side. If you are willing to do anything, then taking responsibility is your first step. It also sounds like you two could greatly benefit from some marriage counseling.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 ok so if i do have to end this cuz as i pry more she will just hate me for it. She dont want to talk about it anymore..do i accept things and not try anymore. but how do i handle dealing with someone thats just done with me and i have to live their are we going to be like roommates. Stay put in the house. Be pleasant, do what you can to entice her back in (doing nice things for her--fill her car with gas, pick up her dry cleaning, bring her coffee, whatever), and LET HER live with the consequences of her choices regarding work. I don't know yet what your problem is there, but if it's something like being late and she expects you to pick up the kids, tell her sorry, you can't. You're busy.
Author sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 i know i have a issue with her job, i dont want her to quit i just want her to realize that its pulling us further apart and not to do it cuz things will only get worse. I will without a blink of an eye do anything to fix this, if she needs me to understand i will. But i just think if she takes on too much she wont have time for me or the baby. I will gladley admit anything that i have done wrong and belive me i keep looking for it. This is like splinters in my head. But ive never had her just not want to even try for us.
TimH Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 (edited) It seems like your wife at one time wanted a husband and child,a family.But now that she has them and now finds there are sacrifices to be made by both of you,she doesnt want to commit to her end of them.Also too,it seems like she thinks her self interests,job advancement etc. is number 1 above the families well being and needs but also at the same time feels guilty for thinking like this.So in her feeling trapped by all of this,she is/will resort to finding "other" reasons and excuses like blaming you,saying things like,I dont know what I want,I'm confused to cover up the real problems.Only hope I see here is MC but of course that takes her cooperation which maybe impossible. Edited November 27, 2009 by TimH
Author sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 well she says she will do MC but im worried it will make things worse...so many people i work with are in a similar pinch said they put up thousands of dollars to find out they just piss their woman off.
PandorasBox Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 well she says she will do MC but im worried it will make things worse...so many people i work with are in a similar pinch said they put up thousands of dollars to find out they just piss their woman off. If they are spending thousands of dollars on a MC then sounds like they are getting ripped off. I would do a search for counselors in your area. Online or/and in the phone book etc. Check and see which ones are covered by insurance, alot are. Not sure what your religious views are, but my brother and his wife when they were having marriage issues went to their pastor and got counseled for free. Just check around and see.
Author sierra60 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 ill do that, try to make things work with the MC and see what happens ill keep you all up to date, and i greatly appriciate the replys this helps.
Recommended Posts