RedDevil66 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I'm struggling with something here. My best friend of 25 yrs has been (and may still be) a serial cheater. She's had the same boyfriend for over 18 yrs. Her boyfriend is one of these nicest guys ever. He does everything for her and he was there for her all the way even when she was fighting leukemia and almost died. They are both highly functional alcoholics with good high paying jobs, a home etc. He has NO clue she cheated on him about 15-20 times. She is also a super control freak with him and belittles him constantly in front of others (it's actually painful to hear). Basically, she's the leader, he the puppet. Now she hits me with "We're getting married" It's all booked, it's going to happen. Our whole gang of friends (we've been the same gang for 25 yrs) is in shock and no one knows what to say or do. No one will ever tell this poor guy who he's really about to marry. I've had to cut some ties with her lately because I just cannot witness this. Not sure if I want advice, but more your thoughts.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 That's a tough one. Wow... 18 years with her cheating on him that many times? When I found out my XW had cheated on me during the engagement, shortly after the wedding, and again a few years later (those are the ones I know of), I felt as though she'd defrauded me, and the seven-year marriage had been a complete sham. I still consider it to have been a fraud, though it's been six years since we split and the fact doesn't bug me anymore. But 18 years... holy crap. That's basically a generation. A huge chunk of a person's life. Poor bastard. Has she been carrying on a long affair with the same guy, or does she just f**k various guys? In some senses that doesn't really matter, except for the fact that the woman he's in a relationship with (your friend) could be a bigger walking germ farm than that monkey in Outbreak. And she belittles him in front of others. Yup, I can hear the whip from here. To be blunt, your best friend sounds like a collossal bitch. You mentioned you didn't want advice, but I'll throw this out there: maybe somebody could send him an anonymous letter or email, with some evidence or some things he should check out. If he then decides to nonetheless go ahead with the wedding, then he's burying his head in the sand, but that's his problem.
Devil Inside Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 If after 18 years he is still willing to marry her, then he probably has some idea of what he is in for. Whether he knows about the cheating or not...he has resigned himself to the whipping boy role, so I don't know if even that would change his mind. Poor guy.
sally4sara Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I made friends with a guy in a relationship I thought was just awful. It really bothered me till I spoke up and found out that it was what they both liked. What if the guy in this relationship just gets off on being cuckholded and verbal public humiliation? And she gets off on getting spanked privately in their bedroom for being rude to him in public? 18 yeas is a long time and I'm sure they know each other well by now......
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 no, advice is cool. I'm so stumped with this! She has cheated with many different guys. When she worked at an office, she was sleeping or fooling around with 3 of the married guys there. One she still has "couples" night out with her BF and this guys wife. She also had a year long affair with a guy 12 yrs her junior and she fell in love with him, but would not leave her BF because like she said, she was safe with her BF. I know of 8 different guys she cheated with and I am suire there are more. She also once confided in me she's sexually attracted to young boys of 17-18 yrs old. She was sexually abused by her Dad, almost lost her life and had a very rough upbringing and never went to get help for it. She also got her PHD (at 42 yrs old) last summer and believed she is just the cat's meow. About 13 yrs ago, her BF attempted suicide and failed. She rushed him to the hospital and he made it. He was forced to stay in the hospital until he was evaluated by a psychiatrist but she checked him out before than could happen saying "She would guide him" Her BF opened up to my BF about his addictions (MY BF is in AA and in recovery) and this was the first time I ever heard him open up. When he did, she told her BF "you never told me you wanted to stop drinking. I can help you, you do not need AA" And once I suggested they both go to AA and she shot me an evil look at said "We are not addicts" He knows he's marrying a control freak, but has NOT A CLUE she is a serial cheater. There are many times our gang talked about how we can tell him, but no one seems to want to. If it comes anonymous, he won't believe it.
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 I made friends with a guy in a relationship I thought was just awful. It really bothered me till I spoke up and found out that it was what they both liked. What if the guy in this relationship just gets off on being cuckholded and verbal public humiliation? And she gets off on getting spanked privately in their bedroom for being rude to him in public? 18 yeas is a long time and I'm sure they know each other well by now...... I can assure you, he doesn't get off on this. He now does dope every day and drinks excessively and is obese. You can tell he is not happy
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 oh and when she told us she was getting married she said it was more for tax reasons and so if he dies, she won't need to fight for widowers pension. She has also gotten them into hlad million $ debt For me, this is out of control and I've stepped back from this friendship. She's been my best friend since we were 12 yrs old
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 how does she try and justify her cheating? come to think of it, she never has.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 oh and when she told us she was getting married she said it was more for tax reasons and so if he dies, she won't need to fight for widowers pension. She has also gotten them into hlad million $ debt For me, this is out of control and I've stepped back from this friendship. She's been my best friend since we were 12 yrs old Sounds like she's quite a prize. Seriously... maybe you need a new best friend.
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 Sounds like she's quite a prize. Seriously... maybe you need a new best friend. I am detaching from her and when I used the term best friend, I mean oldest friend. I have many close friends who are not like her. It's hard to let go fully since it's been so long........my heart is broken ovet this actually
mark982 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 if you know all these things. why not step up to the plate and tell him yourself? and maybe drag a few of those other men with you.
Woggle Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 You could tell him but he will still marry her. Men like him have no concept whatsoever of self respect and will let a woman walk all over him. She probably thinks she is some empowered feminist by doing this and every time she hurts him she feels like she is getting justice against men in the name of all women. She is making him pay for what her father did. I know her type and it is really sad to see men get sucked into their web. His balls were removed a long time ago. I am also impressed that you are not cheering her on and condoning this the way most women would. Many women high five each other over this stuff.
reservoirdog1 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I am detaching from her and when I used the term best friend, I mean oldest friend. I have many close friends who are not like her. It's hard to let go fully since it's been so long........my heart is broken ovet this actually I'm sure it is. That's a crappy position to be in. You have my sympathy. I agree with the above poster, that he may refuse to believe it and marry her anyway. But since you're detaching from her, and since it sounds like most other people in your circle know about her and disapprove of her actions, that's more of a reason to find a way to tell him. At least that way he's been warned, and can do what he will with the info. And you won't be complicit. Good luck to you... I hope it works out. For you and for him.
Jerry18 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I'm struggling with something here. My best friend of 25 yrs has been (and may still be) a serial cheater. She's had the same boyfriend for over 18 yrs. Her boyfriend is one of these nicest guys ever. He does everything for her and he was there for her all the way even when she was fighting leukemia and almost died. They are both highly functional alcoholics with good high paying jobs, a home etc. He has NO clue she cheated on him about 15-20 times. She is also a super control freak with him and belittles him constantly in front of others (it's actually painful to hear). Basically, she's the leader, he the puppet. Now she hits me with "We're getting married" It's all booked, it's going to happen. Our whole gang of friends (we've been the same gang for 25 yrs) is in shock and no one knows what to say or do. No one will ever tell this poor guy who he's really about to marry. I've had to cut some ties with her lately because I just cannot witness this. Not sure if I want advice, but more your thoughts. sodomize her
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 if you know all these things. why not step up to the plate and tell him yourself? and maybe drag a few of those other men with you. I dream about it but not sure I can do it.
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 You could tell him but he will still marry her. Men like him have no concept whatsoever of self respect and will let a woman walk all over him. She probably thinks she is some empowered feminist by doing this and every time she hurts him she feels like she is getting justice against men in the name of all women. She is making him pay for what her father did. I know her type and it is really sad to see men get sucked into their web. His balls were removed a long time ago. I am also impressed that you are not cheering her on and condoning this the way most women would. Many women high five each other over this stuff. I'm not the high fivin type ;-) No, I would never condone it. And you're right, the male friends in our group think he would marry her anyway. He has no balls, which is too bad cause he truly is a wonderful person
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 28, 2009 Author Posted November 28, 2009 I'm sure it is. That's a crappy position to be in. You have my sympathy. I agree with the above poster, that he may refuse to believe it and marry her anyway. But since you're detaching from her, and since it sounds like most other people in your circle know about her and disapprove of her actions, that's more of a reason to find a way to tell him. At least that way he's been warned, and can do what he will with the info. And you won't be complicit. Good luck to you... I hope it works out. For you and for him. Thank you, I hope the best for him as well. He would refuse to believe it at first and she would tell him something like "She's lying because she's jealous we're happy and getting married" She would spin this to her liking. And I think what concerns me is if one of us tells him, he would have no contact with our group and then won't have any friends to support him in other ways. Who knows, maybe I'm kidding myself. Maybe I'm more worried about me for telling than for him knowing. It's pretty confusing. They getting married in January. I pray his devine intervention comes into play. He's a computer genius and I used to secretly hope he would break into my email and read what my friends and I were saying about this
jerseyboy Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 I made friends with a guy in a relationship I thought was just awful. It really bothered me till I spoke up and found out that it was what they both liked. What if the guy in this relationship just gets off on being cuckholded and verbal public humiliation? And she gets off on getting spanked privately in their bedroom for being rude to him in public? 18 yeas is a long time and I'm sure they know each other well by now...... I think she may be right. Thats the first thing I thought of as well. Ive known a number of people liek that actually. I compare it to girls who cut themselves. The pain becomes addictive, especially in comparison to the underlying pain. Hes definitely a cuck, admittedly or not. He has esteem issues. Doesnt feel like hes good enough. That he deserves to be abused by her,a nd probablky another man. And he gets off on the pain she causes him. He may very well be the most clueless person on the face of the planet, but I doubt it. Any case you arent goingn to change him
reservoirdog1 Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 Thank you, I hope the best for him as well. He would refuse to believe it at first and she would tell him something like "She's lying because she's jealous we're happy and getting married" She would spin this to her liking. And I think what concerns me is if one of us tells him, he would have no contact with our group and then won't have any friends to support him in other ways. Who knows, maybe I'm kidding myself. Maybe I'm more worried about me for telling than for him knowing. It's pretty confusing. They getting married in January. I pray his devine intervention comes into play. He's a computer genius and I used to secretly hope he would break into my email and read what my friends and I were saying about this This is extreme, but it would solve the problem. Get several of the concerned friends together. Hire either a PI or a skilled computer hacker, and get some irrefutable evidence. Send that to him anonymously. If you all pool your resources, it probably wouldn't cost each of you very much. Just a thought, and like I said, it's extreme. Not for everybody.
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 I think she may be right. Thats the first thing I thought of as well. Ive known a number of people liek that actually. I compare it to girls who cut themselves. The pain becomes addictive, especially in comparison to the underlying pain. Hes definitely a cuck, admittedly or not. He has esteem issues. Doesnt feel like hes good enough. That he deserves to be abused by her,a nd probablky another man. And he gets off on the pain she causes him. He may very well be the most clueless person on the face of the planet, but I doubt it. Any case you arent goingn to change him He has MAJOR esteem issues. When I used to go there for dinner, I would bring desert and she would say "We don't eat sugar anymore" I'm thinking "huh, last week you both downed 4 huge chocolate bars" Then I would say "Well you don't have to eat it, but he can have some" Then she'll say in front of him "He a fat pig because of you" Man, the more I talk about this and see it in tect, I feel sick for this guy and for me for being so silly to stick around this friendship
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 This is extreme, but it would solve the problem. Get several of the concerned friends together. Hire either a PI or a skilled computer hacker, and get some irrefutable evidence. Send that to him anonymously. If you all pool your resources, it probably wouldn't cost each of you very much. Just a thought, and like I said, it's extreme. Not for everybody. Not one of us would do that. Why, well we're all in our mid late 40's. All really busy with our own lives/drama and I doubt anyone would want to do it. I do hope he does find out.
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