RedDevil66 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Do you think a man/or woman has a right to fool around /cheat when their partner is always leaving them after a fight or makes them feel bad about themselves. Does this person owe it to the other person to tell them that they "cheated"?
JackJack Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 To me, cheating is no excuse, period. If a person is leaving after a fight, let them leave. If there are that many fights and a person is constantly making the other person feel bad about themselves, then there are things that need to be addressed! First off, both people need to sit down and figure out if they even want to salvage things.
2sunny Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 my exH used to pick a fight on purpose so he could justify in his mind going to see his gal. it wasn't until much later that i learned his method of operating. no wonder i could never figure out why we had fought... he would get mad about nothing and try to make it seem like something was my fault. it's very mean, and totally unacceptable. i would now never put up with the things i tolerated in my marriage.
jerseyboy Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 You are asking the wrong question Correct question> Why am I still with him
Selene Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 No matter how much your SO makes you feel bad, it does not give you any reason to cheat. You can leave him/her, if you want. But to cheat on him/her? No. It's never an excuse. Ever.
an hero Posted November 28, 2009 Posted November 28, 2009 You owe it to them to tell them. You both have a lot of thinking to do about the relationship. Obviously there has been alot of damage done to it and you need to decide if you want to call it quits or you want to work on it. Keep in mind that if you do want to fix a relationship after cheating it might be one of the longest and hardest things you will ever have to do, and it still might not work out. But if you think he/she is worth it then by all means go for it. Things can work out, I know from first hand experience.
Robin2000 Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 cheating is not ok and neither is looking for an excuse to cheat.
New Again Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Nope. If you feel your needs are better met outside your relationship, it's time to leave.
kis Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 my exH used to pick a fight on purpose so he could justify in his mind going to see his gal. it wasn't until much later that i learned his method of operating. no wonder i could never figure out why we had fought... he would get mad about nothing and try to make it seem like something was my fault. it's very mean, and totally unacceptable. i would now never put up with the things i tolerated in my marriage. My husband used to do the exact same thing. Might want to make sure that is not what is happening here.
2sunny Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 after a fight or makes them feel bad about themselves. i think this type of fighting also needs to be discussed... why would two people fight to make one feel bad about themselves? this seems destructive and mean spirited. what ever happened to a discussion just to make a point known or just to express an opinion? for words to be hurtful doesn't seem very loving.
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 (edited) thanks for all the replies. My BF and I have been on a long year road of recovery. He's been in AA and myself in Al Anon. We both attened a couples group as well. We've been together a little over 4 yrs. The relationship at the begining was very shakey. To say the least, I was not really the best GF since I was very indepedent when I met him and he was not used to a women doing her own thing. So needless to say, I didn't give this relationship a whole lot of attention I pretty much kept my same life when I met him, meaning, going out with friends (some guy friends), not spending every waking moment with him, and just doing my own thing. He was needy and clingy and insecure. He always thought I was cheating on him,. He just admitted to me (with my asking not him telling) that about 6 months into our relationship, he did call a girl he knew to meet her and they did have oral sex. He did it when after a fight we had and I told him it was over. He was sure I was seeing another guy (Which for anyone who really knows me, knows that is is ridiculous), so he saw this girl out of pain, insecurity and just fear of being alone. Many times I walked away from him telling him it was over, but for me this was out of anger and just after a fight. We never went more than 2 days without talking it out. I say this was cheating, he says it wasn't, I say he did it out of spite, he says he did it out of lonlinesss and says he always had a fear I had one foot out the door. Which I did! I struggle with "Was this cheating?" Or was it too soon in the relationship and we were not a strong couple yet? He still talks to this girl on FB and email and I am NOT crazy about that. We've had a rocky road, but we've both had rocky pasts and are now in recovery. For anyone here in AA and or Al Anon, you will understand what this sort of recovery is Edited November 30, 2009 by RedDevil66
Davey McG Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 He did it when after a fight we had and I told him it was over So you were broken up for a couple of days? Realistically, he probably didn't know if you would get back together. Its a bit of a gray area, but I don't think it is cheating. Can you get past it though?
Ross PK Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 If their partner is always making them feel bad about themselves, and they know they're doing this, then yes, of course cheating is acceptable, they don't deserve any better.
Boundary Problem Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 I'm not one to quickly change gears. 2 days on a break? No. If they do get together with someone else within 2 days, it sort of tells me that other person was being groomed. Which would upset me more than the actual cheating. It is one thing to do something impulsively and something else to plan it.
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 So you were broken up for a couple of days? Realistically, he probably didn't know if you would get back together. Its a bit of a gray area, but I don't think it is cheating. Can you get past it though? Well since it was (as he claims) was over 3 yrs ago, I cannot really recall how many days, but when we would fight and I would say "i'm done" it never really lasted for more than 2-3 days. I think he did it out of anger/spite and thinking I was out that same weekend probably with another man When he was drinking during this time. He's been sober 18 months now
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 If their partner is always making them feel bad about themselves, and they know they're doing this, then yes, of course cheating is acceptable, they don't deserve any better. I admit I always made him feel bad. I was not a good GF back in those days. The only excuse I have is I wasn't sure how to react in a relationship with a guy who drank and was seriously jealous. I still don't think this sort of "cheat" he did was acceptable, but I do understand why he did it
Author RedDevil66 Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 I'm not one to quickly change gears. 2 days on a break? No. If they do get together with someone else within 2 days, it sort of tells me that other person was being groomed. Which would upset me more than the actual cheating. It is one thing to do something impulsively and something else to plan it. Not sure he planned it, but it was a girl he was flirting with at work. He called her one Sat night when I was not around, asked to meet her at a bar, they got drunk and made out in his car. He said he felt bad, guilty and could not face her at work.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Do you think a man/or woman has a right to fool around /cheat when their partner is always leaving them after a fight or makes them feel bad about themselves. no Does this person owe it to the other person to tell them that they "cheated"? yes. and for those that don't think they owe a committed partner honesty, much less fidelity, then they don't need to be in committed relationships.
serialgf Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 reddevil: you misrepresented your situation in your original post. you said "if the person walks out after a fight" that is NOT what you did. you walked out and said, "it's over" or "i'm done"... that is very different... those are break-up words not to be tossed around lightly i have done it myself but have long since stopped throwing around break-up words and i don't tolerate my bf's tossing around those words... it's rash and kind of cruel however, i do understand how you feel in that a couple of days is kind of quick to "jump back in the saddle" as your bf did my advice to you is to either a) get past this and forgive your bf and don't toss around break-up words when you fight OR b) break up with him because your relationship sounds kind of difficult especially with the whole alcoholism thing
Author RedDevil66 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 thank you Serial: I've stopped long ago throwing around the "we're over" words. Not sure if it's my ego or what, but yeah, to go hook up right after a fight seems odd, but I know he did it out of being hurt. I was not a good GF, but I didn't understand the dynamics of his disease at the time My BF has been in AA and sober a long while now, I'm in Al Anon and we both go to couples therapy and a couples AA group.
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